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How to be an Alien

GEORGE MIKES
Nicolas Bentley

drew the pictures Level 3 Retold by Karen Holmes
Series Editors: Andy Hopkins and Jocelyn Potter

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Biblioteca Pública de Valladolid[il ffi ilfr ilil ilil lil ffi lill ill 10000358186 'to!

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Pea¡son Education Limited Edinburgh Gatc, Harloq Esex CM20 2JE, England and Ass()ciated Co¡npanies thrcughout the world
ISBN 0 582 41686
8

First publishcd byAnclré l)cutsch l94tr Oopyright 194(r by (icorgc Mikcs ancl Nicolas llentlcy Tlris adaptatiorr fint published by Penguirr Books I 998 Publishcd byAddisonWeslcy Longruan Li¡nitcd aud Penguin llooks Lrd I998 New cdition 6rst Duhlished I 999
791086

Text copyright @ Itu¡en Holmes I998 All illustntioro copyriglrt @ Nicols Bentley 1946 All righs rerwed
Contents
The rnonl right of the adapter md of thc illustretor hs been rerted Chapter 8

page Introduction 1V Preface I

Part 1 The Most lrnportant Rules 3 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 AWarning to Beginners Introducing People 5
The Weather 7
Examples for Conversation 7
Soul: Not Quite Saying'WhatYou Mean 10
Tea

n

Sex I2
The Language 12

Chapter 9 How Not to Be Clever t4

Typeset by Diginl Type, Lorrdon Sct in 1 1/l4pt Bernbo P¡irrted in Cl¡ina s\xi.Tc/06

Chapter 10 How to Be Rude 1,5 Chapter 11 How to Compromise 77
Chapter 12 How to Be a Hypocrite 18
Chapter 13 Small Pleasures 18

All rghts rcserued; no po¡t o-l'th¡s lrublkotion nay lre reproduced, storetl

in o rctriilol syttüt, ot arousmitte¿ ín dny lomt or by My nreans, clettonic, uechontal, photüopyíng, rccoílíng or otheruise, wíthout lhe ptíor uriilen penilíssion of tlr Publíshus
Chapter 14 FavouriteThings 19
Chapter 15 Remember 2I

Part 2 Less lrnportant Rules and some Special Examples 21, Published by Pemon Educetion Limited iu a$ociarion wirh

Penguirr Books Ltd, both companies being subnidiaries of pcanon plcChapter 16 A Bloomsbury Intellectual 21, Chapter 17 Mayfair Playboy 22

Chapter 18 How to Be a Film-Maker 23
Chapter 19 Driving Cars 24
Chapter 20 Three Games for Bus Drivers 28
Chapter 21. How to Plan aTown 29
Chapter 22 Civll Servants 32
Chapter 23 British Newspapers 35

For a complete list of titles available in the penguin Readers series please wite to your local Peñon Education office or contact: penguin Readers Marketing Department,
Chapter 24 If Naturalized 37
Pearson Education, Edinbwgh Gate, Harlow, Essex, CVIZO Zn Activities 11

Introduction
PREFACE

The weather is the most important subject in. the land. In Europe, people say, 'He is the type of person who talks about the weather,' to show that somebody is uery boring. In England, the weather is always an ínteresting, excitíng subject and you must be good at talking about it.

George Mikes wrote this book to tell the English what he thought about thern. He is both funny and rude about the strange things English people do and say - the things that make them different from other Europeans. In this book you will learn r.nany useful rules about being English.You will learn how to talk about the weather, and what to say when somebody brings you a cup of tea at 5 o'clock in the morning.You will discover what the English really thtnk of clever people and doctors. This book will help you to be more like the English. As George Mikes says:
'If you are like the English, they think you are funny. If you are
not like thern, they think you are even funnier.'

George Mikes was born in Hungary in 1921. He studied law ar Budapest lJniversiry and then began to write for newspapers. He came to London for two weeks just before the SecondWorldWar began, and made England his home for the rest of his life. During the war he worked for the BBC, making radio programmes for Hungary.

FIe wrote Hout ttt be an Alíen ín 1946. He did not wanr to write an amusing book, but thousands of English people bought it and found it very funny. He wrote many orher books about foreigners and English people. The story of his life, How to be Seuenty, went on sale in bookshops on his seventieth birthday in 1982.He died in 1987. I wrote this book in 1946. Many people bought it and said kind things about it. I was surprised and pleased but I was also runhappy that they liked it. I will explain. It is very nice when a lot of people buy a book by a new writer. I'm sorry,'very nice' is not an English thing to say. It is not unpleasanl when a lot of readers like a new book.

Why was I unhappy? I wrote this book to tell the English what I thought about them, or'where to get off as they say. tlrought I was brave. I thought,'This book is going to make the English angry!'But no storm came! The English only said that ruy book was'quite amusing'.I was very unhappy.

Then, a few weeks later, I heard about a woman who gave this book to her husband because she thought it was'quite amusing'. The man sat down, put his feet up, and read the book. His face became darker and darker.'When he finished the book, he stood up and said,'Rude!Very, very rude !' He threw the book into the fire.

What a good Englishman! He said just the right thing, anrl I fc'lt much better. I hoped to meet more men like him, but I ncve r f<rund another Englishman who did not like the book.

I have written many more books since then but ¡ro[¡otlv rerrrembers them. Everybody thinks How to be an Alictt is tllc orrlv book that I have everwritten.This is a problenr. I unr norv rn tlrr' Iniddle of writing a very large and serious book,75( )l'.rg..'' l,'¡rN, about old Sumeria. I will win the Nobel Prizc firr it It rvrll nr.rLr' rro dift-erence;people will still think Hor, to ltc,ttt l/ir'rr rr tlrr' orrly book that I have ever written.

People ask me,''When are you goillg t() rrr¡tr' .ilr')tl¡r'1 ll¡1tl1t

be an Alien?'I am sure they mern t() [,,' krn,l, I'r¡t t]¡r'y (¡tttlatl
quite understand my quiet reply: 'Nt'r t'r. I lr, '¡',' '
1V
I think I anr the right person to wrire about .how to be an

alien'. I am an alien. I have been an alien all rny life. I first understood that I rvas an alien when I was twenry-six years oid. In my country, Hungary. everybody was an alien so I did not think I was very different or unusual. Then I came to England and learned that I was different.This was an unpleasant surprise.

I learned imrnediately that I was an alien. people learn all important thingp in a few seconds.A long time ago I spent a lot of time with a young woman who was very proud of being English.
One day, to nly great surprise, she asked me to marry her.
'No,' I replied,'I cannot marry you. My rnother does not want
nle to marry a foreigner.'
She looked surprised and replied, 'Me, a foreigner? Whar a

funny thing to say. I'm English. You are the foreigner! And your mother is a foreigner, tool' I did not agree.'Am I a foreigner in Budapest, too?, I asked.
'Ever1'where,'she said.'lf iti rrue that you're an alien in

PART 1 THE MOST IMPORTANT RULES Chapter 1 A'W'arning to Beginners In England everything is different. You must understand that
when people say'England', they sometimes urean 'Great Britain'
(England, Scotland and W'ales), sometimes 'the United Kingdom'
(England, Scotland,'W'ales and Northern Ireland), sometimes the
'British Isles' (England, Scotland,Wales, Northern lreland and the
l{epublic of Ireland) - but never just England.

On Sundays in Europe, the poorest person wears his best clothes and the life of the country becomes h.ppy, bright and colourful; on Sundays in England, the richest people wear their oldest clothes and the country becomes dark and sad. In Europe nobody talks about the weather; in England, you have to say

England, it'.s also true in Hungary and North Borneo and Venezuela and everywhere.'

She was right, of course, and I was quite unhappy about ir. There is no way out of it. Other people can change. A criminal can perhaps change his ways and become a better person but a foreigner cannot change. A foreigner is always a foreigner. He can beconre British, perhaps; he can never become truly Engtish.

So it is better to understand that you are always a foreigner. Maybe some English people will forgive you.They will be polite to you. They will ask you into their homes and they will be kind co you.The English keep dogs and cats and they are happy to keep a few foreigners, too.This book offers you some rules about being an alien in England. Study them carefully. They will help you to be more like the English.lf you are like the English, they think you are funny. If you are not like thenr, they think vou are even funnier.
G.M.

'Nice day, isn't it?'about two hundred times every day, or people think you are a bit boring. In Europe you get Sunday newspapcrs on Monday. In England, a strange country, you get Sr-ultl¡v ncwspapers on Sunday.

On a European bus the driver uses the bell if he wants to cirivc on past a bus-stop without stopping. In England you use thc lrcll when you want the bus to stop. In Europe people likc their trrts but in England they love their cats more than their frrrrrilr ln Europe, people eat good food. In England people thirrk tlr.rt sootl llranners at the table are nlore important than tltc firotl tott gt't lrr cat.The English eat bad food but they say it t:rstes g,',',1

In Europe irnportant people speak ltltrtlJt ,ut,l ,l.'.rtlt. trt England they learn to speak slowly lttttl clrrrt'tlr \() \()lt (.rtttl()l understand them. In Europe, clevcr pt'oplt' rlrrtrt tl¡.rl llrt'\ ,¡tr' clever by talking about Aristotle. Ilor',r, t .rrr,l Nl,)ill.rtf'rr(', rrl England only stupid people try to sltou lr,rr ,lt \( r tlrr'\ .rt,' Ilt.'
)
---l
l^! Á/ only people who talk about Latin and Greek writers are those

t,who have not read them.tl In Europe, almost every country, big or small, fights wars to

I
I
Ishow they are the best; the English fight wars against those

kpeople who think they are the best. The English already know
tl
which country is really the best. Europeans cry and quickly get

rngry; instead of this the English just laugh quietly at their grroblems. In Europe people are either honest with you or they

\ lie to you; in England people almost never lie, but they are almost rrever quite honest with you either. Many Europeans think that
lifb is a game;the English think cricket is a game.l\

P zChapter 2 Introducing People

This part of the book tells you how to introduce people to other pcople.

Most importantly, when you introduce strangers, do not say their name so that the other person is able to hear it. Usually thrs is not a problem because nobody can understand your accent.

If somebody introduces you to a stranger, there are t."vo irnportant rules to follow.

I If he puts out his hand to shake yours, do not take it. Snrilt' .rntl wait.When he stops trying to shake your hand,try to sh:rkt'/rii l\epeat this game all afternoon or evening. Qr-ritc ¡rossilrlr tlrrt
will be the most amusing part of your afternoon ()r L'\('r)rnll
2 The introductions are finished andyour new fiientl .rskr rl r,rr¡
¡re well:'How do you do? ' But do not forgct: lrt' ,l,tt r t¡ot tt'.¡llt

want to know.To him it does not matter if vou .rrt'rrt'll ,rr rl \o¡r lre dying of a terrible illness. Do not rlr)s\\('r Y,rr¡r , (rlr\('r\.rttotl Sundays ín England, the richest people wear theír oltlest clothes will be like this:
and the country becomes sad and dark. HE:'How do you do?'

Y()U:'Qr-rite good health. Not sleeping very well. Left foot hurts .r bit. One or two stomach problems.' A conversation like this is un-English, and unforgivable. When y()u lreet sor.nebody, never say, 'Pleased to nleet you.' English ¡rcople think this is very rude.

And one other thing: do not call foreign lawyers, teachers, (l()ctors, dentists or shopkeepers'Doctor'. Everybody knows that thc little word'doctor' means that you are a central European. It is not a good thing to be a central European in England, so Vorl do not want people to remenrber.
Chapter 3 The Weather

'f lris is the rnost important subject in the land. In Europe, people s:ry, 'He is the type of person who talks about the weather,' to

slrolv that somebody is very boring. In England, the rve¡ther is llwlys an interesting, exciting subject and you rnust be gooci :rt trrlkirre about it.
Chapter 4
Exarnples for Conversation
For CoodWeather
If he puts ttut his lnnd tct shake yours, dtt not takc it.When lrc stops
trying tu shake your hard, try to shake ltis.

'Nice day, isn't it? ' 'lsn't it bcauttful?' ' I'he sun . . .' 'lsn't it wonderful?'
'Ycs,'nvonderful, isn't it? '
'ltls so nice and hot ...'
'l think it's so nice when it's hot, isn't it ?
'l really love it, don't you? '
For Bad l4/eather

'Terrible day, isn't it?' 'Isn't it unpleasant?' 'The rain . . . I don't like the rain.' Just think - a day like this in July. It rains in the nrorning, then a
bit of sun and then rain, rain, rain, all day.'

'I renrember the sameJuly day in 1936 ...''Yes, I rernernber too.' 'Or was it 1928?'
'Yes, it was.'

'Or in 1939?' 'Yes, that's right.'

Now look at the last few sentences of this conversation.you can see a very inrportant rule: you must always agree with other
people when you talk about the weather. If it is raining ancl

/7J

snowing and the wind is knocking down trees, and sonreone says,'Nice day, isn't it?'answer inmrediately,'Isn't it wonderfll?' Learn these conversations by heart. you can use them again and again. Ifyou repeat these conversations every day for the rest of your life, it is possible that people will think you are clever, polite and amusing.
If it is raining and somcone sa1,¡ 'l/ice day, isn'f it?'
answer immedíately,' Isn' t it luonderful

Listen to the weather reports on the radio and you will hear dillerent weather reporrs for different people. There is always a different ."pó.t for farmers. For example, you hear,.Tomorrow it will be cloudy and cold.There will be a lot of rain.'

Then, in-rmediately after this you hear,.Weather report for
farrners. It will be bright and warm ancl there will be a lot of
sunshine.'
Farmers do important work for the country, so thev need
better weather, you see.
often the radio tells you rhat it is a nice day but then vou look

orrtside and see that it is raining or snowing. Sometirnes thc r:idio s:rys it is a rainy day and you see that the sun is shining brislrrlv I'his is not because the weather people have rrrade a nllst¡kt' It rr lrccause they have reported the right weather as they n'rrnt it to lrr
but then sorne troublesome weather from anothcr l).ltt ()l tl)(

rvorld moves in across Britain and changes the $,t':rtllt'l l)rr rrrrr lt llritish weather has to mix with foreign rvcutllt'r. tlrrrr,' r( rr,l kroking very good.

Chapter 5 Soul: Not Quite Saying What you Mean Foreigners have souls; the English do not have souls. In Europe you find many people who look sad.This is soul.The worst kind of soul belongs to the Slav people. Slavs are usually very deep thinkers. They say things like this:'sometimes I am so happy and sometimes I am so sad. Can you explain why?'(You cannot erplain, do not try.) Or perhaps they say,'I want to be in some other place, not here.' (Do not say,'I'd like you to be in some other place, too.')

All this is very deep. It is soul, just soul. But the English have no soul. Instead they say less than they mean. For example, if a European boy wants to tell a girl that he loves her, he goes down on his knees and tells her she is the sweetest, most beautiful and wonderfirl person in the world. She has something in her, something special, and he cannot live one more minute without her. Sometimes, to make all this quite clear, he shoots himself. This happens every day in European countries where people have soul.

In England the boy puts his hand on the girl's shoulder and says quietly,'You're all right, you know.' If he really loves her, he says,'I really quite like you, in fact.' If he wants to marry a girl, he says,'I say . . .would you . . .?' If he wants to sleep with her,'I say . . . shall we . . .?'
Chapter 6 Tea

was once a good drink; with lemon and sugar it tastes very

asant. But then the British decided to put cold milk and no r into it.They made it colourless and tasteless. In the hands of e English, tea became an unpleasant drink, like dirry water, but
still call it 'tea'

Tea is the most important drink in Great Britain and Ireland. must never say,'I do not want a cup of tea,'or people will k that you are very strange and very foreign. ln an English home, you get a cup of tea at five o'clock in the rning when you are still trying to sleep. If your friend brings u a cup of tea and you wake from your sweetest morning sleep, must not say,'I think you are most unkind to wake me up
In Europe

Id like to shoot you!'You must smile your best five o'clock ile and say,'Thank you so much. I do love a cup of tea at this of the morning.'When your friend leaves the room, you can

the tea down the toilet. Then you have tea for breakfast; you have tea at eleven o'clock
the morning; then after lunch; then you have tea at 'tea-time'

t four o'clock in the afternoon); then after supper; and in at eleven o'clock at nisht You must drink more cups of tea if the weather is hot; if it is
youfind many people who look sad. This ís soul ; if you are tired; if anybody thinks you are tired; if you are
10 1,r

afraid; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returnecl honre; if you want a cup; if you do not want a cup; if you have not had a cup for sone time; if you have just had a cup.

You must not follow my exarnple. I sleep at five o'clock in the nrorning; I have coffee for breakfast; I drink black coflee again and again during the day; I drink stran¡le and unusual teas (with
no nrilk) at tea-time.

I have these funny foreign ways . . . and my poor wife (who was once a good Englishwo'ran) now has thenr too, I''r sorrv tc¡ sav.
Chapter 7 Sex

It'r¡rn or rlse any other adjectives.You can say that the weather is nr(e, a restaltrant is nice, Mr So-and-so is nice, Mrs So-and-so'.s t lotl'res are nice, you had a nice cinie, and ail this will be very nice.

You must decide about your accent.You will have your foreign
.r( ('el1t all right bur nrany people like to nrix it with another
ir('('cnt. I knew a l)olish Jew who had a strong Yiddish-lrish

¡l('('cnt. I)eople tholrght he was very lnterestlng.

'lhe easiest way to shorv that you have a good accent (or no firrcign accent) is to hold a pipe or cigar in your n'routh, to speak tlrrough your teeth and finish all yor-rr senrences with the t¡rrcstion:'isn't it?'People will not nnclerstand you, but they will tl¡ink that you probably speak very good English.

European men and women have sex lives; English men and wonten have hot-water bottles.
Chapter 8 The Language

When I arrived in England I thought that I knew English. After I'd been here an hour I realized I did not understand one word. In rny first week I learned a little of the language,but after seven years I knew that I could never use it really well.This is sad, but
nobody speaks English perfectly.

Il.emember that those five hundred words the orrlinary Englishman uses nrost are not all the words in the la'guage.you can learn another five hundred and another five thousand and another fifry thousand words after thar and you will still find another fifty thousand you have never heard of. Nobody has
heard of them.

If you live in England for a long time you will be very surprised to find that the word nice is not the only ad¡ective in the English language. For the first three years you do not neecl to

Ilold a pipe in your nrLtuth, speak thruglt ),nut ttt tlt ,ttt,l ltttt lt ,tll y()uy seiltürces witlt fltc qu(\ltort 'r\tt I tl
12 I3

Many foreigners try hard to speak with an Oxford accent.The city of Oxford has a famous university. If you have an Oxford accent, people think that you mix with clever people and that you are very intelligent. But the Oxford accent hurts your throat and is hard to use all the time.

Sometimes you can forget to use it, speak with your foreign accent and then where are you? People will laugh at you. The best way to look clever is to use long words, of course. These words are often old Latin and Greek words, which the English language has taken in. Many foreigners have learned Latin and Greek in school and rhey find that (a) it is much easier ro learn these words than the much shorter English words; (b) these words are usually very long and make you seem very intelligent when you talk to shopkeepers and postmen. But be careful with

all these long words - they do not always have the same meaning as they once had in Latin or Greek.When you know all rhe long words, remember to learn some short ones, too. Finally there are two important things to remember:

1 Do not forget that it is much easier to write in English than to speak English, because you can write without a foreign accent. 2 On a bus or in the street it is better to speak quietly in good German than to shout loudly in bad English. Any,way, all this language business is not easy. After eight years in this country, a very kind woman told me the other day,,you speak with a very good accent, but without any English.'
Now I know that she was notbeinE kind.These words showed
she did not like foreigners. Look at the word'clever'in any
ish dictionary. These dictionaries say 'clever' means, 'quick,
igent'.These are nice adjectives but the dictionaries are all a
out of date. A modern Englishman uses the word 'clever' to

'possibly a bit dishonest, un-English, un-Scottish, un-Welsh'. In England it is bad manners to be clever or proud of your lligence. Perhaps you know that two and two make four, but must never say that two and two make four. The Englishman is shy and quiet. He does not show that he is . He uses few words but he savs a lot with them.A European. example, looks at a beautiful place and says,'This place looks (Jtrecht, where a war ended on the 1 1 th April, 17 1 3. The river

there is like the Guadalquivir in the Sierra de Cazorla and is kilometres long. It runs south-west to the Atlantic Ocean. rs ... what does So-and-so sav? . .. did I tell vou about . . .?' You cannot speak like this in England.An Englishman looks at same place. He is silent for two or three hours and then he
,'lt's pretry isn't it? '

An English girl, of course, understands it is not clever to know

pest is the capital city of Romania, Hungary or Bulgaria. is so much nicer to ask, when someone speaks of Barbados,
Bystrica or Fiji, 'Oh, those little islands ... are they
itish?' (Once, they usually were.)
Chapter 10 FIow to Be Rude
Chapter 9 How Not to Be Clever
'You foreigners are so clever,' a woman said to me some years
ago. I know many foreigners who are stupid. I thought she was

being kind but nor quite honest. is easy to be rude in Europe. You just shout and call people inlal names. To be very rude, you can make up terrible stories

them. lrr England people are rude in a very dilferent way. If rcbody tells you an untrue story, in Europe you say,'You are a
I4 15

rl

sir.' In England you just say,'Oh, is that so?' Or,'That's quite sual story, isn't it ?' few years ago, when I knew only about ten words of English used them all wrong, I went for a job.The man who saw me

quietly, 'I'm afraid your English is a bit unusual.' In any an language, this means,'Kick this man out of the ofEce ! '

hundred years ago, if somebody made the Sultan of Türkey the Czar of Russia angry, they cut off the persont head iately. But when somebody made the English queen she said, ''We are not amused,' and the English are still, to day, very proud oftheir queen for being so rude...." 'Howibly rude things to say are:'I'm afraid that
that ...' and 'I'm sorrv, but ...'You must look very

when you say these things. is true that sometimes you hear people shout,'Get out of !'or'Shut your big mouth!' or'Dirty pig!' etc.This is very

ish. Foreigners who lived in England hundreds of years probably introduced these things to the English language.
Chapter 11 FIow to Comprotnise

the British, compromise is very important. Compromise means you bring together everything that is bad. For example, English agree to go to a party but then do not speak to anyone. ln an English house you can see that the English compromise. all right for their houses to have walls and a roof, but they be as cold inside as the garden outside. It is all right to have in an English home, but if you sit in front of it, your face is but your back is cold. It is a compromise; it answers the n of how to burn and catch a cold at the same time. It is easy to be rude in Europe.You just shout and call people anímal names. f n an English pub, you can have a drink at five minutes after six you cannot have a drink at five minutes before six.This is a
t7

compromise. To drink too much between three o'clock and six o'clock in the afternoon, you must stay at home.

The English language is a compromise between sensible, easy words and words which nobody understands.

A visit to the cinema is a compromise: you must queue uncomfortably for three hours to get inside the cinema so that you can be comfortable for one hour during the film.

English weather is a compromise between rain and snow. In fact, almost everything about life in England is a compromise.
Chapter 12 How to Be a Hypocrite

ildish because they played football and children's games when y were not fighting. Boring and important foreigners cannot understand these ll oleasures. Thev ask: whv do important men in the British rnment stand up and sing childrent songs? Why do serious inessmen olav with children's trains while their children sit in next room learning their lessons? Why, more than anything , do grown-up people want to hit a little ball into a small

e? (This is a uery popular sport in England.) Why are the great in government who saved England in the war only called

uite good men'? Foreigners want to know: why do English Ie sing when nobody is in the room? If somebody ls in the

, the English will stay silent for months. If you want to be really and truly British, you must become a
hypocrite.

Now, how do you become a hypocrite? As some people say an example explains things best, I,ll try

this way.

I was having a drink with an English friend in a pub. W'e were sitting on high chairs near the bar when suddenly there was a fight and some shooting in the street. I was truly and honestly frightened. A few seconds later I looked for my friend but I couldn't see him anl"uvhere. At last I saw that he was lying on the floor.When he realized we were safe in the pub, he stood up. F{e
turned to me and smiled. 'Good God!' he said. .you were
frightenedlYou didn't even move!'
Chapter 13 Srnall Pleasures

It is important to learn to enjoy small pleasures because that is terribly English. All serious Englishmen play cricket and other games. During the war, the French thought the English were
Chapter 14 Favourite Things

England, people do not often get excited.They do not enjoy

things but they love to queue. In Europe, if people are waiting at a bus-stop they look bored

half asleep.When the bus arrives they light to get on it. Most them leave on the bus and some are very lucky and leave in an lance. One Englishman waits at a bus-stop and, even if there no other people there, he starts a qüeue. The biggest and best queues are in front of cinemas. These ues have large cards that say: Queue here for 4s 6d; Queue for 9s 3d; Queue here for 16s Bd. Nobody goes to a clnema it does not have cards telling customers to queue. At weekends, an Englishman queues up at the bus-stop, travels

to Richmond, queues up for a boat, then queues up for tea, n queues up fbr ice cream, then queues up some more

use it is fun, then queues up at the bus-stop when he wants go home. He has a very good time.
18
1,9
Many English families spend pleasant evenings at home just by
queuing fo, " fe* hours. The parents are very sad when the
children leave them and queue up to go to bed'
ChaPter 15 Rernernber

If you go for a walk with a friend in England' don't say a single word for hours; if you go for a walk with your dog' talk to it all

the time.

PART 2LESS IMPORTANT RULES AND SOME
SPECIAL EXAMPLES
/
One Englishman waits at a bus-stop and, euen if there are no other
people there, he stayts a queue.
Chapter 16 A Bloornsbury Intellectual*
Bloomsbury intellectuals do not want to look like each other so

they all wear the same clothes: brown trousers' yellow shirt' green and blue jacket.They also like purple shoes' They choose these clothes very carefully to show that they do
not think clothes are imPortant'

It is terribly important that the B'I' always has a three-day beard ause shaving is only for ordinary people' (Some B'I's think

is only for ordinary people, too') At first it is quite diffrcult shave a four-day beard so that it looks like a three-day beard t, with practice, a B.I. can always have a perfect three-day beard' To be a Bloomsbury Intellectual you must be rude' because have to show day and night that the silly little rules of the country are not meant for you' If you find it is too difficult to Itop being polite, to stop sayrng'Hello', and'How do you do?'
r Bloomsbury is a part of Central London, near London University. An
intcllectual is somebody who ¡ftírks he is very clever'
21

and'Thank you'etc., then go to a Bloomsbury school for bad manners. There you can learn to be rude. After two weeks, you will not feel bad if, on purpose, you stand on the foot of somebody you do not like as you get on the bus. Finally, remember the ntost important rule. Always be differenrl Only think and talk about new ideas. This is not difficult; just think and talk about the same new ideas rhat other Bloomsbury Intellectuals rhink and talk abouc.
Chapter 17 Mayfair playboy*
Chapter 18 FIow to Be A Filrn-Maker

To become a really great British film-maker, you need to have a little foreign blood in you.

The first thing a British film-maker wants to do is to teach Hollywood how to make good films.To do this you must not try to make films about American subjects. Here is the subject for an American film. Do not use it.

A young man from Carthage (Kentucky), who can sing beautifully, goes to town.After many difficulties he becomes New York's most famous sinser.At che same time he falls in love with a r girl who works in a local shop. She is very beautiful but y knows that she also has the best voice in the city. She helps

her lover when she sings a song in his theatre in front of six million .The young and very famous singer marries the girl.

lmportant thing in liG is to have a nice time, go to nice places and meet nlce people. (Now: to have a nice time you must drink too much; nice places are great hotels and large houses with a lot of Here is an example of a serious and ldeep'American film: a

py but very poor young man in New Golders Green ma) becomes verv rich selling thousands of machines to poor people.The richer he becomes, the more unhappy he
- everybody knows that money cannot make you happy; it is

tter to be poor and have no job.The young man buys seven big rs and three aeroplanes and becomes more unhappy. He builds large and beautiful house and is very, very unhappy. When the woman he has loved for fifteen years linally says she will marry Always laugh if someone says something amusing. Be polite, but do not be serious. Laugh at everything that you are not intelligent enough to understand. Don't forget that your clothes
- your trousers' tres and shirts - are the most important things in

your life.Always be drunk after 6.30 p.m. him, he cries for three days.

This story is very deep; it has soul.To show the film has soul, the cameraman takes interesting and surprising pictures of the filmstars. He takes photographs of the bottom of their Get and the tops of their heads. Everybody is happy with this new way of making films and thinks that the film-maker is very clever. English film-makers are different. They know that not all the
* Mayfair is part of London where very rich people live.A playboy is a man _
usually young and unmarried - who enjoys life all the trme.
people who watch fi.lms are stupid and some of them can enjoy
intelligent films.
zz
23
Here are some important rules you must remember if you
want to make a really and truly British film:

1 The famous writer, Mr Noel Coward, says that he met a r.rran who once saw a Cockney. Cockneys are people who were born in the east of London.They cannot speak good English and they cannot say the letter'h', but they are kind and have big hearts. Now all good people in films are Cockneys and every British film must have a Cockney. 2 Nothing is too good for a British film-maker - he must have the best. I have heard of a man (I do not know if this story is true, but it shows how British film-makers work) who made a film about Égypt. He built a sphinx in England. He sailed to Egypt (where there is a real sphinx) and he took his own sphinx. He was quite right to do this, because the Egyptian sphinx is very old and great film-makers do not use anything old. Secondly, the old

sphinx is good enough for the Egyptians bur the Egyptians are foreigners; British film-makers need something better. 3 To make a good film, change the story and the people a little. Make Peter Pan (a famous childrent story) into a murder story. Make the Concise Oxford Dictíonary into a funny film and sing all the words!
a,a;i
Chapter 19 Driving Cars

It is the same to drive a car in England as any other country. To change a car wheel in the wind and rain is as pleasant outside London as outside Rio de Janeiro. It is no more funny to try to start your car in Moscow than in Manchester. If your car stops moving anywhere - in Sydney or in Edinburgh - you will still
have to push it.
But the English car driver is different from the European car

/i;,;
.tt 2 /
a. ?1, a tt
Thefamous writer, Mr Noel CowanJ, says that he met a man who
onrc saw a CockneY.
.A
driver so there are some things you must remember when you (c) you can read the word POLICE in large letters on the front
drive in England. and back ofthese cars.
2 I think England is the only country in the world where you

1 In English towns you must drive at thirty miles an hour. The must leave your car lights on when you park your car at night in police watch carefully for drivers who go too fasr. The fight a busy street with lom of street lights'Then, when you come back
against bad drivers is very clever and very English. It is difiicult to to the car, you cannot start 1t again' The car will not work; it is
know if a police car is following you but if you are very inteiligent dead. But this is wonderful! There are fewer cars on the road and
and have very good eyes, you will see these cars. Remember: the number of road crashes goes down'This makes the roads safe!

(a) the police always drive blue cars 3 Only car drivers know the answer to this difficult question: (b) three policemen sit in each car What are taxis for? A person who is walking and looking for a

taxi knows they are not there to carry passengers'

Taxis are on the road to teach good manners to car drivers' They teach us never to be too brave; they make us remember that we do not know what the next minute will bring for us, if
we can drive down the road or if a taxi will hit us from the back

or the side . . . 4 Car drivers are at war with other people'
Three cars can park there for half an hour on Sunday morrung
betweenTand8a.m.'

It ís no more funny to try to st6rt your car in Moscow than ín Manchester.

2627 C}:'apter 20 Three Garnes for Bus Drivers
If you become a bus driver in England, play these three very
amusing games.
2 Drive up to a bus-stop. Hide behind a large lorry or another
bus. Then, when you get to the bus_stop, do not stop but drive
away fast. It is very amusing to see the faces of the feople who
wanted to get on your bus. They are angry - they will have to

wait all day for another bus. 3 If you stop the bus at a bus-stop, drive away again quickly and suddenly. If you are lucky, people will try to get on your bus and they will fall off when you drive away' It is very amusing for the driver ro see these people fall off the bus. (Sometimes people fall down and get dirty or sometimes they break their leg' And they always get angry. Some people are very boring.They won't laugh
at anything.)
ChLapter 2l FIow to Plan a Town

The English like to be uncomfortable.They think that this makes them strong. Only weak people from Europe live in comfortable,
pleasant towns.

People who build English towns want to make everything difficult. In Europe, doctors, lawyers and people who sell books have their houses and shops together in different parts of the town so you can always find a good (or a bad but expensive) doctor an)'where. In England, your address is important' In London, all the doctors live and work in Harley Street, all the Iawyers are in Lincoln's Inn Fields and all the book-sellers are in the charing cross Road. The newspaper ofTices are all in Fleet Street, the people who make men's clothes are all in Saville Row and the car salesmen are in Great Portland Street. Theatres are near Piccadilly Circus and cinemas are in Leicester Square' Soon all the fruit and vegetable shops will move to Hornsey Lane, all the butchers ro the Mile End Road and all the men's toilets to
Bloomsbury.

It is uery amusing to see the faces of the people who wanted to get on your bus. Now I want to tell you about how to build an English town'
you must understand that an English town is built to make life as
difÉcult as possible for foreigners'

28

29 make it harder for them. Call the street by another name' Don't
iust call it a'street', call it a 'road','way','park"'garden', etc'
Now try this:

1 First of all, never build a straight street. The English do not like to be able to see two ends of a street.Make bends in the streets or make them S-shaped.The letters L,T,VY'W, and O also make good shapes for streets. It would please the Greeks if you built a few a or B-shaped streets. Maybe you could build streets like Russian or Chinese letters, too. 2 Never build all the houses in a street in a straight line. The British are free people so they are free to build their houses in circles. 3 Make sure that nobody can find the houses. European people put the numbers I,3,5,7 on one side of the street and 2,4,6,8 on the other side of the street. The small numbers always starr from the north or west. In England they start the numbers at one end of the street, then suddenly stop and continue the numbers on the opposite side going back the other way.

You can leave out some numbers and you can continue the numbers in a side street; you can also give the same number to two or three houses.

7 To really worry foreigners, make four streets into squares like

this (see the picture below). In this way it is possible to build a street which has two different names - one name for each side And you can do more! Many people do not have numbers on their houses; instead they give their houses names. It is very amusing to go to a street with three hundred and fifty houses and to look for a house called'The House'. Or you can visit a house called'Orange Tree House'and find that there are three apple trees in the garden. 4 If the road bends, give a different name to the second part of it but, if it bends a lot so it is really two different streets, you can keep the same name. If the street is long and straight, give it many different names (High Holborn, New Oxford Street, Oxford Street, Bayswater Road, Notting Hill Gate, Holland Park, etc.* ) 5 Some clever foreigners will find the street that they want, so (a) Put all the streets with the same name in the same part of town: Belsize Park, Belsize Street, Belsize Gardens, Belsize'Way,
etc.

(b) Put a number of streets with the same name in dffirent parts of the town. If you have twenty Princes Squares and rwenty Warwick Roads, nobody will be able to find the right place' 6 Paint the street name in large letters on a piece of wood' Hide this piece of wood carefully. Put it very high on the wall or very low behind the flowers in someone's garden, or in a shadow

an),'where where people cannot see it. Even better, take the street name to your bank and ask the bank to keep it for you' If you don't, somebody will find out where they are'
U)
l¡
of it!
Princes Square Leinster Square
c.,¡ tr!o_6
ñ F.

o.
U)u)o D (t) ;!
o
o ¡
*These are all parts ofone very long, straight street in the centre ofLondon

E H

F C)
30
Princes Square Leinster Square
3I
Claapter 22 Civil Servants*

English Civil Servants are very diflerent from European Civil Servants.

In Europe (but not in Scandinavian countriet, Civll Servants seem to think that they are soldrers.They shout and give you orders. 'When they speak, you hear the sound of guns.They cannot lose wars so they lose their papers instead. They think the most important thing in the world is to make more jobs for more Civil Servants.
A few Difficult People (who are not Civil servants) make life
hard for them.They "'k too many questions or they have terrible
Servant always smiles happily and says no'
Sometimes European Civil Servants
play this clever little
Servant's office on the
same: a Difficult Person goes to a Civil
third floor and asks a questlon'
'I don't know,'the Civil Servant says''Go and ask the Civil
Servant in the oflice on the fifth floor''
The Difficult Person goes to the oflice on the fifth floor and
asks the question again''I don't know" the Civil Servant on the
fifth floor says.'Go to the office on the second floor''
The Difficult Person goes to the office on the second floor
and asks the question "gait'''Go to the third floorl' the Civil
Servant on the second floor saYs'back to the office on the third floorSo the DifÍcult Person goes in the same office again''Butand speaks to the same Ci"il Stt"""t
t toliyot, to go to the fifth floor!'the first Civil Servant shouts'

The Difiicult Person goes to the fifth floor and another Civil Servant sends him back á the second floor ' ' ' Round and round
and round.
European CiviL Servants play this game all day until the Difficult
Person is tired and goes home or goes mad and asks someone to
take him to a hospital for mad people' If this happens' the Civrl
Servant says,'Not here! Go to the office on the second floor ' ' ''
In Europe, Civil Seruants seem to fhink that they are soldiers. Soon the DifEcult Person does not want to go to hospital and
They shout and giue you orders.
goes home.
But in England, Civil Servants are different'They do not think
* A Civil Servant is a man or woman who works for the government. that they are soldiers, they think that they are businessmen'They
33JZ

are polite and kind and always smile and say yes when somebody asks a question. So everybody leaves British Civil Servants in their offices and they are able to spend all day quietly reading murder stories.

Why, you ask, do Difiicult People in Britain leave British Civil Servants in their offices without asking them to do any work? I will tell you.
and family are Civil Servants' they do nothing for you'This is the
beautiful thing about England'
ClnaPter 23 Btitish NewsPaPers
The Fact
There was some rouble on the Pacific Island of Charamak' A
group of ten English and two American soldiers went to the
island with Captain R'L'A'T'W' Tilbury' After a short flght
"g"irrrt the Buburuk people they took 217 Buburuk prrsoners'
burned two large oil-refineries and put an end to the trouble'
They then returned to their shiPnewspapers tell this story? EveryHow do the tsritish

1 British Civil Servants write and speak a language that nobody understands.
2 CivlI Servants never decide anything. They say that they will
'think about'something or'think about it again'.

3 You can never find a British Civil Servanr.Their job is to help people but if you try to find a Civil Servant, in fact he is never there. He is out on business, he is out for lunch, he is somewhere

newspaPer tells it differentlY' having tea or he is just out. Some Civil Servants are clever: they

go for tea before they come back from lunch. TheTimes
(one of Britain's greatest' most famous newspapers)British Civil Servants are always polite. Before the war, British
Civil Servants ordered an alien to leave the country. He asked to . . .It is important to understand that this fight was important butstay a few more weeks but they told him no, he had to leave. He it was not very important'The Buburuk people were not easy tostayed, and a short time later he got this letter: fight but, at the same time' they were not difficult to fight'-We are

Dear Sir, notSureofthenumberofBuburukprisonersbutwethinkitis We are uery sony to tell you that the Gouernment has lool<ed through more than 2l6,butnot more than2IS' all your papers again and has decided that you cannot stay in this country.We are terribly sorry to tell you that you must leaue in the next ln Pailiament twenty-four hours. IJ you do not, we will haue to make you leaue.
Your'*o*'*t) A man from the government said:

In Europe, rich and important people have friends, cousins and brothers that they know who are Civil Servants and who help them to get everything that they want. In England, if your friends
35_34

seven and a half times more than the two-fifths that they burned two years ago and three-quarters more than twelve times onesixth that they burned three years ago.

Someone jumped to his feet and asked if the Government knew that the British people were worried and angry because the Army went into Charamak but not into Ragamak.

The government speaker said,'I have nothing to say about that, sir. I said everything when I spoke on 2ndAugust, 1892.'
Euening Standard
(a London evening newspaper)

The most interesting thing about the fight on Charamak is Reggie Tilbury. He is the fifth son of the Earl of Bayswater. He went to Oxford lJniversiry and is good at several sports.'W.hen talked to his wife (Lady Clarisse, the daughter of Lord Elasson) today, she wore a black suit and a small black and yellow hat. She said,'Reggie was always very interested in war.'Later she said,'It was very clever of him, wasnt it?' 'Reggie was always uery interested in wtr''
If you write for an American newspaper, you just say this:

Perhaps you decide to write a letter to TheTimes about all this: The Oklahoma Sun

Sir - About the jght on Charamak.We great English writer John Flat liued on Charamak in 1693.When he was there, he wrote his famous book,'The Fish'.
Yours, etc.
'Americans win the war in the Pacific Ocean"
CllraPter 24 If Naturalized

The next day you will see this answer: Sir, I am uery pleased Mr . . .wrote aboutJohn Flat,s book,,The Fish,. I write to tell you that many people, like Mr . . ., thinkJohn Flat wrote'The Fish' in 1693. He started the book. in 1693, but he only finished
The verb to naturalize shows that you must become Britlsh to be
a natural Person.

Look at the word'natural'in a dictionary' It means'real'' So if you are not naturalized, you are not a real person' To become a real person, you must become British'You must ask the British

it in 1694. 36

37

government to make you British.The government can say yes or rt can say no.

If the government says yes and you become British, you musr change the way that you think and live. You must not say the thinp that you think and you musr look down on everything that you really are (an alien).

You must be like my English friend, Gregory Baker. He is an English lawyer. He looks down on these people: foreigners, Americans, Frenchmen, Irishmen, Scotsmen, Welshmen, Jews, workers, poor people, businessmen, writers, women, lawyers who
are too rich, lawyers who are too poor. He does not like his
TheSamenaturalizedBritishmanwaslisteningto^
conversation between two Englishwomen' 'The Japanese have
shot down twenty-t\'vo aeroplanes in the last few days" one of
them said.

'What, ours?'the man asked the fwo women' The Englishwoman looked at him coldly' 'No - ours,'she said.

mother because she is a good businesswoman; he does not like his wife because he does not like her family, and he does not like his brother because he is a soldier. Gregory does like his sevenyear-old son because their noses are the same shape. If you are naturalized, remember:

1 You must eat porridge for breakfast and say that you like it.
2 Speak English all the time, even with other'aliens'. Do not speak the language of the country you came fiom. It is very un-English to understand or speak another language. If you must speak French, which is not too bad, then only speak it with a very bad accenr. 3 Change your library ar home. Only read books by English writers.Throw out famous Russian writers and buy books about
English birds. Throw out famous French writers and read 'The
Life of a Scottish Fish' instead.
4 'When you talk about the English, always say'we'.
But be careful. I know a naturalized British man who repeated
'\Ve Englishmen'when he was talking to another young man.

The young man looked ar him, took his pipe out of his mouth and said quietly,'Sorry sir, but I'm a W'elshman.'Then he turned his back and walked away.
38
ACTIVITIES

Preface-ChaPter 8 Before you read 1 Look at the front cover of this book. what does this picture tell you

aboutEnglishmen?Canyoustillseepeoplelikethistoday?Are there people like this in your country? 2 Find these words in your dictionary.
accent alien belt lawyer manners preface soul warning

Now put the words in the right spaces. a . .. .. muslc e health ... . . b door ..... f book's . .. . . c criminal ..... g .....spaceshiP d bad ..... h foreign .. . ..

After you read 3 Choose the correct answer.

a English people think you are clever (i) you talk about foreign writers. (ii) you're a doctor' (iii) you talk about the weather every day' b lt's better (i) to drink tea in hot weather than in cold weather' (ii) to have good manners than to have good food' (iii) to speak loudly than to speak quietly' c The English are usuallY (i) Polite to foreigners'

(ii) friendlY to foreigners. (iii) rude to foreigners. 4 Finish these sentences. An Englishman will a smile and wait if You . '. b not forgive You if You . '. c think you are clever, polite and amusing if you ' " d say he quite likes You if he ' '. e think you are very foreign and strange if you ' "
f think you probably speak good English if you " '
4T
5 What does George Mikes find strange about
a hot water bottles? b cats? c radio weather reports?

Chapters 9-18 Before you read
6 Think oI three ways to be rude in your country. Are these things

also rude in England, do you think?
7 Find these words in your dictionary. compromise hypocrite pleasure queue sphinx Which of these words is a something made of stone? b something you enjoy? c something you do at a bus-stop? d something you do to end a disagreement? e someone who says one thing and does another? Student A:
11 lmagine that you can change the driving rules in your country.
What rules will you change, and why?

After you read 12 How do the English a make roads safe? b enjoy an afternoon's holiday? c make sure nobody can find their house? d How do bus drivers make passengers angry? e How do civil servants succeed in having an easy life?

13 Work in oairs. Act out this conversation between a civil servant and someone who wants to be naturalized. You want to be naturalized. Tell the civil servant why you like the English, and why you want to live here for the rest of your life. You are a civil servant. Ask a lot of difficult questions, After you read

Student B: then politely explain to the person why his or her

8 Some of these sentences are not true. Which ones, and why? reouest is not possible. a English people think clever people are dishonest. b Pubs are open at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Writing c The English don't like fires in their houses. d The English like singing when nobody can hear them. e English families practise queueing at home. f Intellectuals like big beards.

9 Which of these things do the English like? good books / good hotels / good food / good clothes intelligent conversation / playing with toys / golf

14 'This book tells foreigners everything they need to know about the English.' Do you agree? Or are there other strange things about the English that are not in this book? Write about it for a student magazrne.

15 Write a letter to an English friend who is visiting your country for the first time. Describe some of the strange things that he or she will find in your country. 16 What is the funniest or strangest thing that has happened to you in Chapters 19-24 Before you read 10 Find these words in your dictionary.

bend mad naturalized park porridge refinery another country? Write a story about it. Describe your feelings at the time.

17 You work for the government of your country. Write a report saying what things about the English way of life are a good idea for your country. Say why.

Now put the words in the right spaces. a a sharp ..... cgo b cold..... d oil
e . .. .. dangerously
f .....Englishman
Answers for the activities in this book are available from your local
A'

Pearsoh Education office or contact: Penguin Readers Marketing Department, Pearson Education, Edinburgh Gate, Harlow, Essex, CM20 2JE.