by Jeff Kinney

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

by Jeff Kinney

PUFFIN BOOKS

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India | New Zealand | South Africa

Puffin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose

addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

puffinbooks.com

First published in the USA in the English language in 2012

by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS

Original English title: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel

(All rights reserved in all countries by Harry N. Abrams, Inc.)

Published simultaneously in Great Britain by Puffin Books 2012

Digital edition published 2012

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © Wimpy Kid Inc., 2012

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ are

trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc.

All rights reserved

Book design by Jeff Kinney

Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

ISBN: 978–0–141–34766–0

to GRAM

JANUARY

Sunday

I wish I’d started keeping a journal a lot earlier

on, because whoever ends up writing my biography

is gonna have a lot of questions about my life in

the years leading up to middle school.

Luckily, I remember just about everything that’s

happened to me since I was born. In fact, I

can even remember stuff that happened to me

BEFORE I was born.

Back in those days it was just me swimming around

in the dark, doing backflips and taking naps

whenever I wanted.

1

2

Then one day, when I was in the middle of

a really good nap, I got woken up by these

strange noises coming from the outside.

At the time I didn’t know what the heck I was

hearing, but later on I found out it was Mom

piping in music through these speakers she put on

her belly.

I guess Mom thought if she played classical music

for me every day before I was born it would turn

me into some kind of genius.

3

Those speakers came with a microphone, and

when Mom wasn’t playing music she was telling me

everything that was going on in her life.

And when Dad came home from work Mom would

have him give me a blow-by-blow of HIS day.

4

But that wasn’t the end of it. Every night, Mom

would read to me for a half hour before she went

to bed.

The problem was my sleep schedule didn’t line up

with Mom’s. So when she was sleeping I’d be wide

awake.

I actually wish I’d paid more attention when Mom

was reading to me, though.

5

Last week in school we had a pop quiz on a book,

and I hadn’t read it yet. I was pretty sure Mom

read that one to me before I was born, but I

couldn’t remember any of the details.

I guess the week Mom was reading that book I

was busy doing something else.

The crazy thing was Mom didn’t NEED to use the

microphone for me to hear her.

6

I mean, I was INSIDE her, so I could hear

every word she said whether I wanted to or not.

I could also hear just about EVERYTHING

that was happening on the outside. So when Mom

and Dad got all mushy I had to listen to THAT,

too.

7

I’ve never really felt comfortable when people are

acting affectionate around me, ESPECIALLY

when it’s my parents. I tried to get them to

stop, but they never got the message.

In fact, everything I tried just seemed to

make things WORSE.

8

After a few months of living like this, I had to

get out of there, and that’s why I was born

three weeks early. But, after being hit by the

cold air and the blinding lights of the delivery

room, I wished I’d just stayed put.

By the time I came into the world, I was totally

sleep deprived and in a really lousy mood. So, if

you ever see a picture of a newborn, now you know

why they always look ticked off.

9

In fact, I STILL haven’t caught up on the

sleep I missed and, believe me, I’ve been trying.

Ever since I was born, I’ve tried to re-create

the feeling I had way back when I was floating

around in the dark, happy as could be.

10

But, when you’re living in a house with four other

people, some fool is always gonna come along and

ruin things for you.

I met my older brother, Rodrick, a few days after

I was born. Up to that point I thought I was

an only child, so I was pretty disappointed to

find out I wasn’t.

11

My family was living in a really small apartment

back then, and I had to share a room with

Rodrick. He got the crib, so for the first few

months of my life I had to sleep in the top

dresser drawer, which I’m pretty sure isn’t

even legal.

Eventually, Dad moved his work stuff out of the

room he was using as an office and made it into a

nursery. I got Rodrick’s old crib, and he got a

new bed.

Almost EVERYTHING I had back in those days

was a hand-me-down from Rodrick.

12

By the time something came to me, it was either

worn-out or covered in slobber.

Even my DUMMY was a hand-me-down from

Rodrick. I don’t think he was ready to give it

up, though, which might explain why he’s never

really liked me.

13

It was just the four of us for a long time,

and then one day Mom told me she was gonna

have another baby. I was glad she gave me the

heads-up so I could be ready.

When my little brother, Manny, came along,

everybody thought he was so cute. But what

they don’t tell you about babies is that after

they’re born they have this black stub on their

belly button where the umbilical cord was tied off.

14

Eventually, the stub dries up and falls off, and

the baby has a regular-looking belly button. The

thing is nobody ever FOUND Manny’s stub. And

to this day I’m still paranoid it’s gonna show up

somewhere.

When I was a newborn, Mom put me in front of the

TV for an hour a day to watch educational videos.

15

I don’t know if those videos actually made me

any smarter, but at least I was smart enough to

figure out how to put on something I WANTED

to watch.

I ALSO figured out how to remove the batteries

from the remote so no one could turn the

educational videos back ON.

16

But when you’re a baby you can’t really get around

a lot, so there was only one place I could hide

the batteries.

I think Mom should’ve let me crawl around on the

floor more when I was little, because I was WAY

behind the other kids in my playgroup when it

came to the physical stuff. While the others were

sitting up and couch surfing, I was still working

on lifting my head off the ground.

17

Then one day Mom bought me this thing called a

“Baby Adventures Action Walker”, which was the

first thing I ever got that Rodrick didn’t have

before me.

The Action Walker was AWESOME. It had a

million little gadgets you could entertain yourself

with, plus a cup holder.

But the best thing about it was I could get

anywhere I needed to go without actually having

to WALK.

18

I could tell that when I was in my Baby Adventures

Action Walker all my little playgroup friends felt

like chumps.

But then Mom read in some parenting magazine

that it wasn’t a good idea to use baby walkers,

because kids wouldn’t develop the right muscles

to walk on their own. So Mom returned the

Action Walker to the store, and I was back

to square one.

It took a long time, but eventually I DID

learn to walk. And, before I knew it, I was in

pre-school.

19

I was hoping I’d have a head start over the

other kids because of all the work Mom had put

in with the classical music and the educational

DVDs, but the other moms must’ve done that

stuff, too, because the competition in pre-school

was pretty stiff.

I mean, you had kids in there who knew how

to use buttons and zippers, when I could barely

figure out how to pull off my mittens without help

from a grown-up.

A few of my classmates could write their own names,

and one or two could count all the way to fifty.

20

I knew I couldn’t keep up, so I decided to

try and slow everyone else down by feeding them

bad information.

My plan kind of backfired, though, and my

pre-school teacher told Mom I wasn’t learning my

colours and shapes like the other kids. But Mom

said I was smart and that maybe the problem was

I wasn’t being CHALLENGED enough.

So Mom actually took me out of pre-school and

had me SKIP a grade, to kindergarten. But that

decision was a total disaster.

21

The kids in kindergarten seemed like GIANTS to

me, and they knew how to do stuff like cut with

scissors and colour inside the lines.

I didn’t even make it a whole day in kindergarten

before the teacher had to call Mom to come get me.

The next day Mom brought me back to pre-school

and asked the teacher if I could have my cubby

back. I just hope your academic record doesn’t

follow you around, because it might be tough for

me to get a good job later on if people find out

I was a kindergarten dropout.

22

Monday

I’m pretty sure Mom decided that whatever she

tried with me when I was little didn’t work out,

because she’s taking a totally different approach

with Manny.

For starters, Mom pretty much lets Manny watch

whatever he wants on TV. So he keeps it on

this show called “The Snurples” twenty-four

hours a day.

I tried to watch “The Snurples” a few times, but

I had NO idea what was going on. The Snurples

have their own language that I guess only three-

year-olds can understand.

23

After Manny watches the show, he gets

frustrated when no one in our family can

understand him.

But the other day Mom read an article in the

newspaper that said watching “The Snurples”

actually sets kids back about a year with their

language development and messes up their social

skills, too.

24

Well, that explains a lot. Manny doesn’t have any

real friends, and whenever Mom holds playgroup

at our house Manny is the only one who doesn’t

interact with the other kids.

I think part of the issue is that Manny doesn’t

like to share his toys. So, when kids come over,

Manny locks himself inside our old dog Sweetie’s

exercise pen and keeps his toys all to himself.

And whenever Mom tries to get Manny to play

with other kids on his OWN it backfires.

25

At our church they have this new thing where

they send all the little kids down to the basement

during the service so they can play and colour.

But, the first time Mom dropped Manny off

downstairs, there was only one other kid in the

play area, and he told Manny he was a vampire.

I felt a little bad for Manny because I had to

deal with a scary kid when I was his age, too.

I was stuck in pre-school with this boy named

Bradley who terrorized me every chance he got.

26

I told Mom about Bradley every day when I came

home, and said I didn’t want to go to school any

more. But that summer Bradley and his family

moved away, so the problem took care of itself.

After Bradley moved, Mom wrote a story called

“Bad Bradley”, about a kid who always misbehaves.

Bradley was a bad kid in real life, but in Mom’s

version he was pretty much the devil.

I think Mom was actually gonna try to get her

story published, but Bradley and his family moved

BACK into our neighbourhood the next spring, so

she had to scrap it.

27

Even though Mom never got her Bad Bradley

story published, she used it to teach Manny about

how you’re supposed to behave in pre-school. And

I think that’s one of the reasons Manny is so

afraid of other kids his age.

28

Manny may not have any REAL friends, but

he has a bunch of IMAGINARY ones. I’ve

kind of lost count of them all, but the names I

can remember are Joey, Petey, Danny, Charles

Tribble, The Other Charles Tribble, Tiny Jim and

Johnny Cheddar.

I don’t know how Manny came up with all those

fake friends, but, believe me, to him they’re

REAL. One time Manny took all his imaginary

friends to the grocery store and had a total

meltdown when Mom supposedly left Charles

Tribble behind in the frozen-foods aisle.

Sometimes I wonder if Manny made up his

imaginary friends so he could get stuff like extra

dessert after dinner.

29

Mom says if we tell Manny his so-called friends

aren’t real he could be “traumatized”. So we just

have to go along with it.

I hope he grows out of this soon, because it’s

getting kind of ridiculous. Sometimes I have to

wait until all of Manny’s imaginary friends are done

using the bathroom before I can get in.

30

Lately, Manny has been blaming things he does

on his imaginary friends. The other day he

smashed a plate on the floor and then told Mom

it was Johnny Cheddar, who seems to be the

troublemaker of the pack.

Instead of punishing Manny for breaking a

plate and then lying about it, Mom gave a time-

out to Johnny Cheddar. What really stinks is

that the time-out chair is the brand-new recliner

in the family room, so I couldn’t sit in it to

watch television.

31

Like I said, I know this whole imaginary-friend

thing is a bunch of baloney, but Manny acts so

serious about it that it’s kind of spooky. Whenever

I go to sit down somewhere in the house, I make

sure none of Manny’s friends are around.

The last thing I need to do is plop down on the

sofa to watch TV and squish Tiny Jim.

It’s not like I’m watching a lot of television

these days anyway. Mom is pretty worried about

Manny and his social skills, so she doesn’t like the

TV to be on when Manny’s around.

Recently, Mom came up with this idea called

“Family Night”, where we play a board game or go

out to dinner together instead of watching TV.

32

I guess the idea is to get us to interact with one

another more so it rubs off on Manny.

When we go out to dinner, we usually end up at

this place called Corny’s Family-Style Restaurant.

They have a rule at Corny’s that you’re not

allowed to wear a tie, and the first time we went

there Dad found that out the hard way.

There are a few different seating sections at

Corny’s, but since we always have Manny with

us they put our family in the section called

“Children’s Alley”.

33

In Children’s Alley, I don’t think they even

bother cleaning up when one family leaves and a

new one comes in. So, when you get to your table,

there’s always crumpled-up napkins on the floor

and half-eaten french fries on the seats.

The first time we went to Corny’s, I didn’t check

my seat, and I ended up sitting on an open-faced

peanut butter and jam sandwich.

34

Another thing I hate about Children’s Alley is

that you’re right next to the bathrooms, and the

doors are always swinging open, so you can see in

there when you’re trying to eat.

Also, the service is TERRIBLE at Corny’s, so we

always just get the buffet and serve ourselves. The

food is in these metal trays, and there’s always

stuff from one tray mixed in with the others.

35

At the dessert bar, they have an ice-cream

dispenser where you can make your own sundae.

I know that sounds great, but there’s a reason

most restaurants don’t let customers operate the

soft-serve machines.

One of the reasons Mom likes to go to Corny’s is

that they have a ball pit, and she’s hoping Manny

will learn to play with other kids his age.

36

But Manny usually just buries himself in a pile of

balls to hide from the other kids and then waits

it out until it’s time to go home.

Last Thursday we went to Corny’s, and Mom

actually made Manny go in the plastic tubes so he

couldn’t hide in the ball pit. Manny got freaked

out up there, though, and he was too scared to

come down on his own.

37

So Mom told me I had to go up there and get

him since I was the only one in the family who

was small enough to crawl in the tubes.

I tried climbing up through the area Manny had

used to get to the tubes, but it was too tight a

squeeze and I had to bail out.

That meant the only way I could get to Manny

was to climb up the spiral plastic slide that empties

into the ball pit. I am not a fan of dark,

enclosed spaces to begin with, so I wasn’t looking

forward to crawling up that thing.

38

I yelled into the bottom to make sure the coast

was clear, but kids ignored me and came sliding

down anyway.

Once I made it past the traffic jam and got all

the way to the top, I started crawling around

through the maze of tubes to try and find

Manny. There was no ventilation up there, and it

REEKED of dirty socks.

39

I realized I was the wrong person to go looking

for Manny, though, because I’ve always been

bad at mazes. This autumn me and Mom went in

the corn maze at Reynold’s Farm, and Mom was

counting on me to find the way out.

But I got us so lost that Mom had to call 911

for someone to come rescue us.

This time I didn’t have Mom’s mobile phone to bail

me out. And when some kid threw up at one end

of the tunnel all the other kids came rushing my

way to get to the slide.

40

Eventually, I found Manny in one of the

tunnels, but by then I was ready to crack up.

So one of the waiters had to climb up and rescue

Manny AND me.

The worst part of the whole experience was that

I had to throw out my favourite pair of jeans

because I couldn’t get rid of the smell of feet,

even after washing them with bleach three times.

Saturday

I woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn’t

get back to sleep, which was pretty frustrating.

But that’s been happening to me ever since the

beginning of the year.

41

On New Year’s Eve, Mom wanted Manny to feel

what it’s like to be up at midnight without actually

letting him stay up that late. So she set the

clocks in the house ahead by three hours.

She didn’t tell ME, though. So, when Mom and

Dad did the countdown with Manny, I thought

it was midnight for REAL.

42

I ended up going to bed at 10:30 that night

thinking it was 1:30 in the morning. So my whole

schedule has been off by three hours this year.

I don’t usually wake up on weekends until Dad

literally drags me out of bed, ESPECIALLY

during the winter, when it’s cold outside and it’s

nice and warm under the covers.

I remember a time last winter when Dad woke me

at 8:00 on a Saturday morning and told me to go

outside and shovel snow off the walkway.

I’d been in the middle of a really good dream, but

I was able to get out of bed, shovel the walkway

and get right back into my dream without missing

a beat.

44

This morning after I woke up, I lay in bed for

a while trying to get back to sleep. Eventually,

I just went downstairs and made myself some

breakfast. There’s nothing good on TV before

8:00 on a Saturday morning, so I decided to get

some of my chores over with.

Me and Rodrick never have enough money to buy

anything, so Mom has been paying us an allowance to

do chores. One of my chores is dusting the dining-

room furniture, and that’s what I was doing this

morning when I heard a knock at the front door.

I opened the door and was surprised to see Uncle

Gary standing on the front steps.

45

Dad came downstairs a minute later, and he didn’t

seem too happy to see his younger brother.

A few weeks back Uncle Gary called Dad and said

he had a “once-in-a-lifetime” business opportunity

and needed a loan.

Dad didn’t want to give Uncle Gary any money,

because Uncle Gary has a bad track record when it

comes to paying people back.

46

But Mom told Dad he should do it because Uncle

Gary is his brother and family members should

always help each other out. Mom’s always saying

the same sort of thing to me and Rodrick. I just

hope I never need a kidney or something like

that because if Rodrick is the guy I’m counting on

to give it to me I could be in trouble.

Dad sent Uncle Gary the money, and we hadn’t

heard from him until today. After Uncle Gary came

inside the house, he told us what had happened.

He said he met a guy in Boston who sold T-shirts

on a street corner, and this guy told him that if

he wanted to take over his business he could make

a bundle.

47

So, after he got the money from Dad, Uncle

Gary bought up the guy’s T-shirts. But what

Uncle Gary didn’t know was that the T-shirts

had a typo on them and, by the time he noticed

the problem, the guy was already gone.

Uncle Gary told Dad he needs a place to stay

until he can get on his feet again. Dad didn’t

seem too happy about that, but by then Mom was

downstairs, and she told Uncle Gary he can stay

as long as he needs.

48

But when Mom saw the moving van in the driveway

she told Uncle Gary we didn’t really have any

room in our house for extra furniture.

He said she didn’t need to worry, because he didn’t

HAVE any furniture. The moving van was filled

with boxes of T-shirts, which we spent the rest

of the morning loading into our garage.

I don’t think Uncle Gary is giving up on selling

them, either. He unloaded one on Rodrick for

three bucks, and I think Rodrick feels like he

got a steal.

49

Monday

Living with Uncle Gary hasn’t been easy. On his

first few nights in the house, he slept on an air

mattress in Manny’s room. But Uncle Gary has

these nightmares that wake him up in the middle

of the night, and last Monday he had a really

bad one.

50

So now Uncle Gary is sleeping on the couch in the

family room, and Manny’s bed is in the middle of

his room, away from the walls.

It’s really inconvenient with Uncle Gary sleeping

on our couch. His bad dreams keep him up all

night, and then he sleeps through most of the

day. That really stinks when you just want to

relax after school and watch some TV.

The person who’s been affected the most by Uncle

Gary is RODRICK, though.

51

Before Uncle Gary moved in, Rodrick practically

LIVED on the couch in the family room, especially

on the weekends.

Now Rodrick doesn’t have anywhere to go when

Dad kicks him out of bed in the basement on

Saturday mornings.

The other day Rodrick came upstairs, and when

he saw Uncle Gary in his spot he just slept on

another part of the couch.

52

Dad has really been nagging Uncle Gary about

finding a job, but Uncle Gary says he’s tried and

no one is hiring.

Uncle Gary has never held down a job for more

than a few days. The last one he had was over the

summer, when he worked as a test subject for a

company that made pepper spray. I’m pretty sure

he quit before lunch.

Dad wants Uncle Gary to get a job like HE has,

where you work in an office and have regular hours.

53

But I don’t think Uncle Gary is cut out for an

office job, and I’m not so sure I am, either. Dad

has to dress up for work every day in a shirt and

tie, and he has to wear dress shoes and dress

socks, too.

I’ve already decided that when I grow up I’m

gonna have to find a job where you don’t need to

wear those socks that go up to your knees.

Last summer Dad brought me to “Bring Your Child

to Work Day” at his office. But the people at

Dad’s work must’ve realized their jobs would be

boring to their kids, so they brought in all sorts

of entertainment.

54

For most of the day, us kids stayed in the

cafeteria while the grown-ups got some work done

in their offices.

Towards the end of the day, Dad brought me

into his office while he tried to finish up an

important project, so I sat there next to him

and waited. But I think it was hard for him to

concentrate while someone was looking over his

shoulder.

55

Dad gave me money to buy something from the

vending machine. He was probably just trying to

get rid of me for a little while, so he wasn’t too

happy when I came back a minute later with a

box of jawbreakers.

Dad told me he really needed to finish what he

was doing, so he asked me to find somewhere else

to sit while he wrapped things up. He must’ve

been really distracted that day, though, because

he went home and left me behind. I might’ve

been stuck there all night if the janitor hadn’t

found me.

56

Anyway, Dad is pretty annoyed that Uncle Gary

doesn’t have any money and has been mooching off

him. Mom has actually started giving Uncle Gary

an allowance even though he doesn’t have to do

any chores for it, which feels wrong to me.

I just hope Uncle Gary uses some of his allowance

to pay for his own bubble bath. He used up all of

mine on the second day he was here, and it’s really

not the same when the water is crystal clear.

57

Tuesday

I really wish I didn’t have to throw my jeans out

a few weeks ago, because today at school I needed

to look sharp. We’re starting a ballroom dancing

unit in Phys Ed, and Mrs Moretta said each of us

needed to find a partner.

So it wasn’t a good day to be wearing corduroy

trousers that are three inches too short.

Mrs Moretta said we were gonna choose partners

by writing down the name of the person we

wanted to dance with on a little slip of paper.

Then she’d go through the pieces of paper and

pair us up the best she could. That was the same

system she used LAST year for the square dancing

unit, though, and I totally got burned.

58

I wrote down the name of the prettiest girl in

my class, Baylee Anthony.

But she didn’t write down MY name. She wrote

down Bryce Anderson, just like every other girl

in the class. Bryce ended up picking McKenzie

Pollard, and Mrs Moretta assigned Baylee to be

my dance partner because I’d picked her.

At first I was really excited I got Baylee as a

partner. But then I had to deal with THIS

kind of nonsense for three weeks –

59

I guess Baylee didn’t want a repeat of last year,

either, because today she went around to all the

guys who didn’t have a chance with her and let

them know.

To be honest with you, I don’t really care who I

get paired up with as long as it isn’t Ruby Bird.

As far as I know, Ruby is the only girl who has

ever been suspended from our school, and that was

for biting a teacher.

60

In fact, the reason Ruby only has one front

tooth is because the other one ended up in Mr

Underwood’s elbow.

I try to be pretty nice to Ruby whenever I

come across her in the hallway, because she

terrifies me.

61

But today I got worried that maybe I’ve been

TOO nice and she might think I actually LIKE

her. The last thing I need is for Ruby to

write my name down on that little slip of paper,

because I know if she’s my dance partner I’ll do

SOMETHING to make her mad and end up with

her other tooth in MY arm.

So I used my little slip of paper to try to make

sure that doesn’t happen.

I even threw in a half-eaten candy bar I was

saving for later on to make sure Mrs Moretta

comes through for me.

Wednesday

Last night I prayed extra hard that I wouldn’t

end up with Ruby as my dance partner.

62

Then I started worrying that maybe you only

get a certain number of prayers answered in your

lifetime and I’m burning through mine too fast.

I’d hate to find out later on that I used up all

my chits, because I’ve been acting like I’ve got an

unlimited supply.

I probably need to be more careful about that.

This weekend the toilet in the upstairs bathroom

got clogged, and I prayed that the plumber

wouldn’t use our bathroom after he fixed it.

For the record, I have about a 75% success

rate with my prayers. I don’t know if that’s

good or bad, but one thing I’m pretty sure of

is that I’m never gonna get a lightsabre for my

birthday, no matter how badly I want it.

63

Anyway, I think I’ve got to be a lot more

specific when I pray for something, because today

in Phys Ed my wish was granted, but I’m not

happy about the way things turned out.

At the beginning of class, Mrs Moretta called out

names for dance partners, and I held my breath

when she got to Ruby Bird.

64

But Ruby got paired up with Fregley and, if you

ask me, that’s a match made in heaven.

Eventually, Mrs Moretta read out the last

girl’s name, and there were still a bunch of boys

left over, including me. There are a lot more

boys in my class this year than girls, so it made

sense that not everyone got a partner.

But, still, I was a little disappointed that no

one wrote my name on one of those little slips

of paper.

65

Then us guys realized we weren’t gonna have to do

the ballroom-dancing unit and that we could just

play kickball on the other side of the gym for

three weeks.

But we celebrated a little too soon. Mrs Moretta

said that EVERYONE had to dance, and she

started pairing us boys up with ONE ANOTHER.

So,the next thing I knew, I was dancing a

waltz with Carlos Escalera.

66

Monday

Today at school, Phys Ed was cancelled because

we had a general assembly during fourth period.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed

when I found out, because, believe it or not, me

and Carlos have actually been getting the hang

of the merengue.

Most people were pretty excited, though,

because we haven’t had a general assembly since

November. That’s when this hypnotist called the

Amazing Andrew came to our school.

In the grand finale of his show, the Amazing

Andrew hypnotized a line of eighth-graders into

thinking their arms were superglued together.

67

Then he told the guys he’d unglue them with a

magic word, and when he said it they came apart

just like that.

After school some kids got into an argument

over whether the hypnotist was for real or if

those eighth-graders were in on the act and

just faking it.

68

Two of the kids who thought the Amazing Andrew

was a fake linked their arms, and then Martin

Ford tried to hypnotize them into thinking they

were superglued together.

Believe it or not, it WORKED. The two kids

couldn’t separate their arms, and they totally

panicked. Martin tried saying the magic word, but

he couldn’t unstick them.

69

The kids went back to the school, and one of

the teachers had to track down the Amazing

Andrew at his job so he could say the magic

word and separate them.

I have no idea how the school chooses the people

who come in and do our assemblies. One person

they brought in last year was a guy called Strong

Steve. He gave a speech about how we needed to

stay off drugs, and then for his grand finale he

ripped a phone book in half with his bare hands.

70

Don’t ask me what ripping a phone book has to

do with staying off drugs, but the kids at my

school went crazy for this guy. In fact, the

librarian had to replace half the reference books

on our shelves after Strong Steve’s visit.

The person I’m really hoping they DON’T bring

back is this singer named Krisstina. I think the

school likes to bring in Krisstina for assemblies

because her lyrics are really positive.

71

Krisstina calls herself an “international pop

sensation”, but I don’t know how she gets away

with that. As far as I can tell, she’s never even

been out of the STATE.

One of my favourite assemblies was the one where

a police officer came to our school and told us

about being a “narc”. He said his job was to pose

as a high-school student and then report on the

kids who were up to no good.

72

I thought that sounded like an AWESOME

job. If I can get paid to go to school without

doing homework or taking tests AND send all

the jerks to jail, then that’s the career for me.

After the police officer came to our school, me

and my friend Rowley decided to start our own

detective agency.

73

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of demand for

private detectives in our neighbourhood, and

nobody wanted to hire us. But we decided to

start spying on people ANYWAY.

It was actually a lot of fun. The great thing

about being a private investigator is that you

can poke around in other people’s lives and it’s

just part of your job.

74

We mostly focused our investigations on Mr Millis,

who lives a few doors up the street from me. It’s

not like he was doing anything suspicious. It’s

just that we knew he had all the movie channels

on cable.

Our detective agency fell apart, though, after

we started investigating Scotty Douglas. I’d let

him borrow a video game over the summer and he

said he lost it, but I knew he was lying. So I

sent Rowley down to Scotty’s house to get him

to cough it up.

I taught Rowley how to act really tough and

crack his knuckles a lot so Scotty would get the

message that we weren’t fooling around.

75

But when Rowley didn’t come back right away I

started to wonder what had happened. I went

down to Scotty’s house myself to investigate,

and I caught Rowley red-handed playing my video

game with Scotty.

I had to fire Rowley on the spot, and if I ever

start another detective agency the first thing

I’m gonna do is hire a more intimidating enforcer.

Anyway, like I said, everyone was excited to find

out who the guest was for today’s assembly.

76

But it turned out there WASN’T a guest. After

we sat down in the gym, Vice Principal Roy got up

on the stage and said the reason he gathered us

all together was to announce that there was gonna

be a special election to replace the student council.

We had student council elections in the autumn.

But the class officers were skipping the meetings

because they’re held during recess, and I guess

the advisors got fed up.

Vice Principal Roy said there are two conditions

for running for office. One, you have to be willing

to attend all the student council meetings. And,

two, you can’t have three detentions or more.

77

I felt like that second rule was directed at ME,

because I just picked up my third detention.

In my first year of middle school, an eighth-

grader told me there was a secret elevator that

went to the second floor, and that he could sell

me a special pass for five bucks.

That sounded like a good deal to ME, so I

gave him five dollars for the pass, which looked

pretty official.

78

But it turned out the whole thing was a scam and

there was no such thing as a secret elevator.

I’d been holding on to that elevator pass ever

since. But a few weeks ago I sold it to a kid

who’s new to our school.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t careful enough, and I

got busted by Vice Principal Roy, who made me

return the money.

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He even gave me a detention, which really stunk,

because I’d given the kid a deal by selling him the

pass at half price.

After the assembly I realized something: Rowley

has never had a detention, so he’d be the

PERFECT candidate for student council. I told

him he should run, but he said he wouldn’t know

what he’d do if he got elected.

But that’s where I come in. I told him if he gets

elected I’ll make all the tough decisions and all

he’ll have to do is show up for the meetings and

do what I tell him. I think it’s a GENIUS idea,

because I’ll get to be in power but I won’t have

to miss any recess.

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I volunteered to be his campaign manager so he

won’t even have to lift a finger to get elected. So

we went to the bulletin board in the front hallway

to sign Rowley up.

I told him he should run for one of the juicy

spots like President or Vice President, but he

wanted to run for “Social Chairperson”. I have no

idea what a Social Chairperson does, but as long

as Rowley gets to vote on the important decisions

I’m fine with it.

Wednesday

Yesterday some of the other candidates were

hanging posters up in the hallways and handing

out buttons and candy to get themselves elected.

So we were ALREADY behind.

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I knew I was gonna have to dream up something

big to make sure Rowley gets elected, so here’s

what I came up with.

When the candidates give their speeches in the

gym, the seats will be full of students. At sports

games I’ve seen on TV, people in the stadium

paint their chests to spell out messages.

82

Last night I got a bunch of Uncle Gary’s

T-shirts from the garage, turned them inside out

and wrote a letter on each one so they spelled

out “VOTE ROWLEY JEFFERSON FOR

SOCIAL CHAIRPERSON”. It took all night,

and I went through about twenty markers, but

I knew it was gonna make a big splash at the

assembly.

I got to school early today and gave each kid who

was willing to wear a shirt a piece of bubble gum.

But, when we got into the gym, getting the kids

to stand in the right order was like trying to

herd cats.

83

The only candidates who got to give speeches were

the ones who were running for President. I was

pretty relieved to hear that, because when I had

Rowley rehearse his speech for Social Chairperson

he was a nervous wreck.

84

The first candidate to give a speech was a girl

named Sydney Greene who is a straight-A student

and has never missed a day of school. She said

that if she’s elected President she’ll get better

equipment for the music room and will organize a

project to put new protective covers on the books

in the library.

Next up was Bryan Buttsy. As soon as Vice

Principal Roy called Bryan up to the podium,

everyone in the gym started making all sorts of

obnoxious noises.

I’m sure Bryan said a lot of interesting things

during his speech, but you couldn’t hear a word

with all that racket.

85

I just hope Bryan doesn’t run for President

when he’s a grown-up because, if he does, his

campaign rallies are gonna be RIDICULOUS.

The last candidate to go was a kid named Eugene

Ellis. Eugene is the only person running for

President who didn’t put up posters or hand out

lollipops or anything like that, so nobody really

took him seriously.

Eugene’s campaign speech was only about thirty

seconds long. He said that if he’s elected

President he’ll get the school to replace the

cheap toilet paper in the bathrooms with the

expensive quilted kind.

When Eugene finished his speech, the whole place

went berserk. Kids are ALWAYS complaining

about the toilet-paper situation because the type

the school uses is like sandpaper.

86

And, from the reaction Eugene got, I don’t

think Sydney or Bryan has a prayer.

Thursday

Just like I predicted, Eugene Ellis won student

council President by a landslide. Rowley won, too,

because he was the only person who actually signed

up for Social Chairperson. I wish I’d known

that, because I could’ve saved myself a lot of

hassle with those T-shirts.

The student council had their first meeting today,

and Mrs Birch, the teacher who works with the

council, told Eugene the school couldn’t afford to

stock the bathrooms with quilted toilet paper, so

he might as well forget about it.

87

Word got around school fast, and people were

pretty mad. The whole reason everyone voted for

Eugene was because of his campaign promise. Plus,

we do fundraisers for the school every year, and

you would think they could take some of the money

we make and spend it on some quality toilet paper.

I thought the school would be rolling in dough

after the LAST fundraiser we had a few weeks

ago, when we sold candy bars. I have to give

credit to whoever came up with the idea. The

school sent each student home with fifty Chocolate

Crunch candy bars, and we were supposed to go

out and sell them to our neighbours.

88

But I don’t know a single kid who didn’t eat at

least three or four candy bars before they even

got home. In fact, I ate fifteen by the time

Mom found out and put a stop to it.

So a lot of families like mine had to write a cheque

to the school just to cover the cost of the candy

bars their children ate. It’s possible that nobody

sold a single candy bar during that fundraiser.

Saturday

Speaking of money, Uncle Gary spent all his

allowance this week and asked me if he could

borrow some of MINE. When Dad found out, he

was pretty mad.

89

It turns out Uncle Gary spent his money on

scratch cards at the convenience store. Dad told

Uncle Gary he’s got a better chance of getting

struck by lightning than winning the lottery

and that he’s just wasting his money.

Dad probably should’ve chosen his words more

carefully, because now Manny won’t step foot

outside if it’s raining.

90

Scratch cards are a sore subject for Dad anyway.

A few years ago Dad bought Uncle Gary a nice

winter jacket for Christmas, and Uncle Gary gave

Dad a scratch card. Dad seemed a little annoyed

that he’d spent all that money on Uncle Gary

and Uncle Gary just gave him a gift that only

cost a buck.

Dad scratched off the little squares on the card

with a coin and he got three cherries, which

meant he’d just won a hundred thousand dollars.

But it turned out the card was just a gag gift,

and it was a fake.

91

We still can’t mention that Christmas to Dad,

because it just puts him in a bad mood for the

rest of the day.

What Dad REALLY wants is for Uncle Gary

to get a job so he can move out of our house. I’m

starting to wish Uncle Gary would get a job, too,

because lately he’s been spending a lot of time in

my room playing on the computer.

He’s addicted to this virtual-world game where you

can be anything you want, like a policeman or a

construction worker or a rock star.

92

But in the game Uncle Gary is just a guy who

doesn’t have a job and buys a bunch of scratch

cards every day.

FEBRUARY

Thursday

There have been some pretty big developments at

school this week.

It all started on Monday at the last student

council meeting. The meetings are held in the

teachers’ lounge, and after the Treasurer, Javan

Hill, went to use the bathroom he came out with a

roll of Pillow-Soft Ultra toilet paper.

93

That means the teachers have been treating

themselves to good toilet paper while us kids are

stuck with the cheap stuff.

When Eugene Ellis confronted Mrs Birch, she

knew the teachers were totally busted.

Mrs Birch said that even though the teachers

use Pillow-Soft Ultra there’s not enough money in

the budget to stock all the kids’ bathrooms with

expensive toilet paper, but she could agree to a

compromise.

94

She said the school could allow kids to bring in

their OWN rolls from home. And, when the

announcement came over the loudspeaker, it was a

huge victory for Eugene Ellis and the rest of the

student council.

Tuesday was the first day kids were allowed to

bring in their own toilet paper, and I think some

people went a little overboard.

95

In fact, some kids brought in so much toilet

paper that there wasn’t enough room to fit it in

their lockers, so they carried their supply around

with them.

Everything probably would’ve been just fine, but

at lunch someone threw a roll of toilet paper at

somebody else, and within about fifteen seconds it

was a total madhouse.

96

Later that afternoon the principal got on the

loudspeaker and said that from now on we’re only

allowed to bring five squares of toilet paper to

school a day. That seems like a pretty ridiculous

rule, because I don’t know ANYONE who can

get by on five squares.

Yesterday a few kids got caught bringing in more

than they were supposed to, so now the teachers

are checking our bags when we come in through

the front doors in the morning.

Thursday

By the time the principal set that five-square

limit last week, I’d already stocked my locker with

about twenty rolls.

97

The teachers do random checks on kids’ lockers

now, and I knew sooner or later they were gonna

find my secret stash.

I wanted to make sure my supply lasted to the

end of the school year, so I needed to figure out

how to protect it.

I decided the only way to do THAT was to have

a stall in the bathroom all to myself, and to keep

my toilet paper hidden in there.

So on Monday I picked a stall that was pretty

clean and locked the door. Then I crawled

underneath it to get out.

98

Next I slipped some old trainers I’d brought

from home on the floor in front of the toilet to

make it look like the stall was occupied.

Every time I needed to use the bathroom this

week, I waited to make sure no one was around,

then I crawled underneath my stall door. It

was like I had a tiny little apartment in there.

In fact, I wish I’d thought of this idea a

long time ago.

99

For a few days my system worked great. No one

even TRIED to use my private stall.

But then I forgot to pick one of the spare

shoes up off the ground, and I guess that

must’ve looked pretty suspicious from the outside.

100

It wasn’t long before people figured out I was

hoarding quality toilet paper, and things fell

apart pretty quickly after that.

Friday

I think what the students learned from the

toilet-paper experience is that if we want something

we’re gonna have to raise the money on our own.

So last week the student council brainstormed ideas

for a class fundraiser. The Vice President, Hillary

Pine, said we should have a car wash, and the

Secretary, Olivia Davis, said we should do a giant

yard sale.

101

I thought we should sell caramel popcorn, but

either Rowley didn’t have his walkie-talkie up loud

enough or everybody was just ignoring me.

Eugene Ellis suggested a pro wrestling match in

the gym, and Javan Hill came up with the idea of

a motocross stunt show. But they couldn’t decide

which idea they liked better, so they settled on a

mixed motocross/wrestling event.

102

I think Eugene realized it was gonna take a lot

of work to pull something like that off, so he

assigned it to his Vice President. Hillary formed a

Fundraising Committee and got her friends on the

student council to join it.

On Monday, Hillary reported back to the student

council and said that everything for the event was

planned but that the Fundraising Committee had

made a few “small changes” to the original idea.

Somehow the motocross/wrestling event morphed

into a VALENTINE’S DAY dance. Eugene and

the other guys wanted to change it back, but

Mrs Birch said they had to respect the decision

of the Fundraising Committee. I’m sure the truth

is that she wasn’t really crazy about the idea of

motorized vehicles in the gym to begin with.

103

Ever since word got out about the Valentine’s Day

dance, it’s all anyone can talk about at school.

The girls seem really excited, and they’re treating

it like some sort of middle-school prom.

There’s already a Dance Committee, which

Rowley got invited to be on since he’s the Social

Chairperson. I’m just glad there’s some male

representation on that committee, because if

the girls have their way Krisstina will be the

entertainment for the night.

Most of the boys couldn’t care less about the

dance. I’ve heard a bunch of guys saying there’s

no way they’re gonna pay three bucks to go to

a dance in the school gymnasium. But that all

changed earlier this week when the first Candy

Grams got handed out in homeroom.

104

The Candy Grams are invitations to the Valentine’s

Day dance, and the Dance Committee started

selling them at lunch the other day. If you pay

twenty-five cents, you can send a Candy Gram to

anyone you want, and Bryce Anderson got ones

from at least five different girls right off the bat.

105

After the first wave of Candy Grams got

delivered, some of the boys who didn’t get one got

jealous of the guys who DID. Now all of a sudden

EVERYONE wants to go to the dance because

no one wants to be left out. So yesterday at

lunch there was a big rush on Candy Grams.

Like I said before, there are more boys than

girls in my grade this year, and I think a lot of

guys are nervous they’re not gonna end up with a

date to the dance. So most of the boys are acting

really different whenever a girl is around.

At lunch, guys usually take spoonfuls of mashed

potatoes and flick them up at the ceiling to try

to get them to stick.

106

Don’t even ask me WHAT they put in the

potatoes that makes them stick like that.

Sometimes I forget to look up before I find a

place to sit.

The girls really hate the mashed-potato thing,

and that’s why they sit on the other side of the

cafeteria. But now the boys know they’re not

gonna get one of the girls to go with them to

the dance if they act like jerks.

107

I can tell it’s hard for a lot of the boys to be

mature in front of the girls. So some guys are

acting out when there aren’t any girls around.

We’re in the middle of a basketball unit in Phys

Ed, with the girls playing on one side of the gym

and the boys on the other. The other day this

kid named Anthony Renfrew thought it would be

pretty funny if he pantsed Daniel Revis when he

was shooting free throws.

Everybody laughed except for Daniel, but later on

Daniel got Anthony back when he was going for

a layup. After that it was a free-for-all, with

everyone pantsing everyone else. So things have

been AWFUL since then.

108

Now everyone’s so paranoid about getting pantsed

that no one will even stand up during our

basketball scrimmages.

I’ve even started wearing two pairs of shorts

under my sweatpants for extra insurance.

Things have got so bad that Vice Principal

Roy came into the gym today to lecture the boys.

He said this was no laughing matter and that

anyone caught pantsing another student would

be suspended.

109

But Vice Principal Roy should’ve watched where he

was standing, because some kid sneaked under the

seats and got him pretty good.

Whoever did it escaped before Vice Principal Roy

could catch him. No one knows for sure who it

was, but the name they’re using for the guy is

the Mad Pantser.

Tuesday

It’s been about a week since they introduced these

Candy Grams, and I’m getting a little concerned

that I haven’t got one yet. I’ve never flung

potatoes on the ceiling and I’ve never pantsed

anyone in my life, so I don’t know what a guy

needs to do to impress a girl these days.

110

It seems like every guy in my homeroom has got

a Candy Gram. Even Travis Hickey got one, and

he’ll eat a crust of pizza out of a trash can if you

give him a quarter.

Uncle Gary was playing his computer game in my

room the other night, and I told him about the

Valentine’s Day dance and the Candy Grams. Believe

it or not, he gave me some really good advice.

Uncle Gary told me the best way to get a girl’s

attention is by making yourself look “unavailable”.

He said what I should do is buy a bunch of

Candy Grams and have them all delivered to

MYSELF so the girls would think I was a really

hot property.

111

I probably should’ve thought about talking to

Uncle Gary a lot earlier. He’s been married

something like four times already, so he’s an

EXPERT on relationships.

Yesterday I bought two dollars’ worth of Candy

Grams, and today in homeroom they were delivered

to me.

I just hope this works, because that two bucks

was my lunch money.

112

Friday

By Wednesday I’d blown through five dollars,

and I realized if I kept buying Candy Grams

for myself I was gonna starve to death. So

I decided to actually buy a Candy Gram for a

GIRL and see how that went.

Yesterday at lunch I bought a Candy Gram and

sent it to Adrianne Simpson, who sits three rows

away from me in English. But I didn’t want to

risk my whole quarter on one person, so I made

sure I got my money’s worth.

113

Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks

when I walked into class today, so I’m assuming

it’s a no from both of them.

I realized a Candy Gram isn’t the ONLY way

to ask a girl to a dance, though. There’s a girl

named Leighann Marlow who sits in the same chair

for homeroom that I sit in for History class. So

I wrote her a note on my desk, and it didn’t

cost me a cent.

Unfortunately, I forgot that after-school

detention is held in the same room as History,

so some moron jumped in with an answer before

Leighann even had a chance to read my note.

114

I’m pretty nervous, because it seems like there

aren’t really a lot of girls left to choose from at

this point.

One girl who doesn’t have a date yet is Erika

Hernandez. She just broke up with her boyfriend,

this kid named Jamar Law, who is famous in our

school for getting his head stuck in a chair. The

janitor even had to cut him free with a hacksaw.

It’s in the yearbook and everything.

Erika is really pretty and nice, so don’t ask me

what she was thinking when she started going out

with a doofus like Jamar.

115

She WOULD be at the top of my list for the

dance. But I’m worried that, if things worked

out between me and her, I’d always be thinking

about her ex-boyfriend and I wouldn’t be able to

get past it.

The Erika Hernandez situation has made me

wonder which other girls might have a Jamar Law

in their past. It’s hard to keep track of who

has gone out with whom in my school, and that’s

important information when you’re looking for a

date to the dance. So I drew up a chart to see

how everyone in my grade is connected.

116

I’ve still got a long way to go, but here’s the

incomplete version.

The person I’m worried about is a boy named

Evan Whitehead. I’ve heard him bragging that

he’s kissed a bunch of different girls in my grade.

117

But last week he got sent home from school

because he had the chicken pox, which I didn’t

even know you could still GET any more. So who

knows HOW many girls Evan’s infected.

One girl I’m pretty sure Evan never kissed is

Julie Webber, because she’s been going out with

Ed Norwell since the fifth grade. But I’ve

heard their relationship is a little shaky these

days, so I’m gonna do what I can to help speed

things along.

118

Tuesday

Uncle Gary told me that if I want a girl to go

to the dance with me, I’m gonna have to ask her

face to face. I’ve been trying to avoid that, but

I think he’s probably right.

There’s a girl named Peyton Ellis who I’ve always

kind of had a crush on, and when I saw her

drinking from the water fountain yesterday I

stood there and waited patiently for her to

finish. But Peyton must’ve seen me out of the

corner of her eye and realized I was gonna ask

her to the dance, so she just kept drinking and

drinking while I stood there like a dope.

Eventually, the bell rang and we both had to go

to class.

119

I barely know Peyton, so maybe it was a bad idea

to try to ask her anyway. I realized I should

probably stick with girls who I’ve got some kind of

a connection with. The first person to come to mind

was Bethany Breen, my lab partner in Science.

But I don’t think I’ve made such a good

impression on Bethany. We’re in the middle of our

anatomy unit, and for the past few days we’ve

been dissecting frogs. I’m really squeamish when

it comes to that sort of thing, so I just let

Bethany do the dissecting while I stand on the

other side of the room trying not to throw up.

Seriously, though, in this day and age I don’t

know why we’re still cutting open frogs to see

what’s inside them.

120

If somebody tells me there’s a heart and intestines

inside a frog, I’m willing to take their word for it.

I was pretty happy I got paired up with

Bethany as lab partners. I remember back in

elementary school, whenever a teacher picked a boy

and a girl to do something together, all the other

kids would go CRAZY.

When I got picked to be lab partners with

Bethany, I was hoping for some kind of reaction

from the rest of the class. But I guess everyone’s

outgrown that stuff.

121

Even though I haven’t impressed Bethany with

my dissection skills, I still thought I might

have a shot with her. I don’t want to brag or

anything, but I HAVE been a pretty hilarious

lab partner.

At the end of the day yesterday, I walked up

to Bethany when she was getting her coat out

of her locker.

122

I admit I was a little nervous talking to her

even though we spend forty-five minutes every

day as lab partners. But before I got a single

word out I started thinking about the frogs.

So I don’t think it’s gonna work out between me

and her.

Last night, when I was telling Uncle Gary about

what happened at school, he said my problem

is that I’m trying to do this on my own and I

need a “wingman” to help me look good in front of

the girls so it’s easier to ask one out.

Well, I think Rowley would be a PERFECT

wingman for me, because he makes me look good

just by being himself.

123

Today I asked Rowley to be my wingman, but he

didn’t really understand the concept. So I told

him it’s just like being my campaign manager, but

for the dance.

Rowley said maybe we could be each OTHER’s

wingman and help each other get a date to the

dance, but I said we should do this one person

at a time. I feel like we need to get my

situation taken care of first, because getting

Rowley a date to the dance could end up being

a long-term project.

124

We gave the wingman thing a trial run at lunch, but

I think there’s still a lot of room for improvement.

Thursday

On the walk home from school today, Rowley told

me he heard from a girl on the Dance Committee

that Alyssa Grove just broke up with her

boyfriend and is looking for a date to the dance.

See, that’s EXACTLY why I made Rowley my

wingman. Alyssa is one of the most popular girls

in my school, so I was gonna have to act quick

before one of the other goobers in my class got

to her.

125

When I got home, I called Alyssa’s number right

away, but no one was there. The answering machine

picked up really fast, and the next thing I knew

I was leaving a message.

I hit the hash key on the phone so I could

delete my message and start over. But my second

message wasn’t that great, either.

126

I must’ve recorded twenty messages, because I

wanted to get it just right. But Rowley was in

the room with me trying to stay completely silent,

and whenever I looked at him I just completely

lost it.

After a while me and Rowley were just totally

having fun and goofing around.

127

I knew there was no way I could leave a serious

message while Rowley was at my house, so I

deleted the last one and hung up the phone. I

figured I might as well just wait until tomorrow

morning and talk to Alyssa in person.

But what I didn’t know was that hitting the

hash key didn’t delete my messages on the Groves’

voice-mail system the way it does on ours. So after

dinner tonight there was a knock on the door,

and it was Alyssa’s father.

Mr Grove told Dad that me and my friend had

left twenty prank messages on his machine and

that he’d appreciate it if we never called his

house again.

So I guess I’m gonna have to scratch Alyssa

off my list.

128

Monday

Uncle Gary told me if I really want to send the

right signals to girls at school, I might consider

updating my wardrobe. He said that wearing a

new shirt or new shoes always makes him feel more

confident, and it might work for me, too.

The thing is I really don’t HAVE a lot of new

clothes. I’d say about 90% of everything I wear

is a hand-me-down from Rodrick. Mom would say

that’s an exaggeration, but all you have to do is

check the tags in my underwear for proof.

I never really cared much about what I wore, but

now Uncle Gary has me wondering if my wardrobe

is holding me back.

129

This weekend I asked Mom if we could go out and

get me some new jeans and shoes so I could really

look sharp at school, but the minute I said it I

wished I could take it back.

Mom gave me a long speech about how kids in middle

school focus too much on appearances and how, if

we spent half the time on academics that we do

on deciding what to wear, our country wouldn’t be

ranked twenty-fifth in the world in maths.

I should’ve known Mom wouldn’t run right out

and buy me a whole bunch of new clothes. In

fact, when Mom was on the PTA, she started a

petition pushing for school uniforms because she’d

read some article that said kids who wear uniforms

do better in academics.

130

Luckily, she didn’t get enough signatures, but

word got around that my mom was the one who

started the school-uniform petition, and there was

a stretch of a few weeks where I had to wait a

half hour at the end of each day before it was

safe to walk home.

Since Mom wouldn’t take me out clothes shopping,

I decided to start poking around the house to

see if there was anything cool I could wear.

I started by going through Rodrick’s dresser

drawers, but I don’t think we have the same

taste when it comes to clothes.

131

Uncle Gary told me I should look in Dad’s closet,

because sometimes grown-ups have “vintage”

stuff that looks cool. I’ve never seen Dad wear

anything cool in my whole life, but I was willing

to give it a try.

I’m glad Uncle Gary gave me that tip because,

believe it or not, I found EXACTLY what I was

looking for in the back of Dad’s closet.

132

It was a BLACK LEATHER JACKET. I’ve

never seen Dad wear it, so I figured he must’ve

bought it before I was born.

I had no idea Dad owned anything that cool, and

it kind of made me see him in a whole new light.

I put it on and went downstairs. Dad seemed

pretty surprised to see his old leather jacket,

and he said he’d bought it back when he was first

dating Mom.

133

I asked Dad if I could borrow it, and he said he

didn’t need it any more so it was OK by him.

Unfortunately, Mom wasn’t on board with the

idea. She said the jacket was way too expensive

for a middle-school student to wear and that I

might damage it or lose it.

I told her that wasn’t fair, because it was just

sitting in the closet gathering dust, so it didn’t

really matter if something happened to it. But

Mom said the jacket sent the “wrong message” and

that, besides, it wasn’t a winter coat. So she told

me to put it back in the upstairs closet.

134

But when I was in the shower this morning I

just couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it

would be to wear that thing to school. I knew I

could probably sneak it out of the house and put it

back in the closet later without Mom even noticing.

So, while she was feeding Manny breakfast, I

went upstairs, grabbed the jacket and slipped out

of the front door.

The first thing I have to say is Mom was right

about the jacket not being a winter coat.

135

That thing didn’t have any sort of lining, and

halfway to school I was starting to really regret

my decision.

My gloves were in my winter coat at home, and

my hands were FREEZING. So I shoved them

in the pockets of the jacket, but there was

something in each one.

There was a really cool pair of aviator sunglasses

in one of the pockets, so that was a bonus. In

the other there was one of those picture strips

you get at a photo booth in the mall.

136

At first I didn’t recognize the people in the

picture, but then I realized it was Mom and Dad.

I really wish I hadn’t seen that right after

eating breakfast.

137

When I got to school, every head turned in my

direction as I walked down the hallway.

In fact, I got so much attention that I

decided to keep the jacket on the rest of the

day. I felt like a whole new person in homeroom.

A few minutes before the bell rang to start the

day, there was a loud knocking on the little

window in the door.

138

I just about had a heart attack when I saw who

it was.

When the teacher opened the door, Mom walked

straight to my desk and made me hand over Dad’s

leather jacket in front of everyone.

I told Mom it was too cold outside for me to

walk home without a jacket, so she gave me HER

winter coat to wear.

139

I wasn’t too happy about the situation, but at

least I was warm on the way home.

Wednesday

By now everybody at school has heard about the

guy whose mom made him wear her winter coat. So

this is gonna make it a lot harder for me to find

a date to the dance.

140

That’s why I’ve decided my best shot is to take

someone who DOESN’T go to my school to the

dance. And I think I’ve found the perfect place

to look: church.

I’ve heard that the students at the church school

think the kids who go to public school are pretty

tough. So whenever I run into one of my friends

at church I make sure to play it real cool in front

of the church kids.

Recently, Mom has become friends with Mrs

Stringer at church because they both worked on

the Autumn Fair Committee.

141

The Stringers have two kids who go to the church

school, a boy named Wesley and a girl named

Laurel. I’ve never actually seen Wesley, so he must

be down in the basement with the other little kids

during church.

A few nights ago Mom invited the whole Stringer

family over to our house for dinner this Friday.

I think she’s hoping Manny and Wesley will click

and Manny can be friends with a real live person

for once.

But I can see a real opportunity here for ME.

Laurel is in my grade, and she’s better looking

than most of the girls in my class. So this dinner

could really change my fortunes.

142

Friday

Mom spent a long time getting the house ready

before the Stringers came over, and when I took

a look around I realized I’d better pitch in, too.

There were embarrassing things all over the

place. For starters, we still had our Christmas

tree up in the living room. It was too much work

to dismantle it, so me and Dad just shoved it in

the garage.

There were diapers taped on all the corners of

our family-room furniture that were left over from

when Mom baby-proofed the house after Manny

started crawling.

143

She used packing tape to hold the diapers in

place, and THAT wasn’t easy to get off.

Uncle Gary was on the couch in the family room

taking a nap, so we just covered him with a sheet

and hoped nobody would want to sit there.

Next was the kitchen. There’s a bulletin board on

the wall with different certificates and ribbons

that Mom has given us kids over the years.

144

Everything with my name on it is really lame, so

I took it off the wall and hid it in the pantry.

By the time the Stringers showed up, we’d taken

care of all the major stuff. But the visit got off

to a really shaky start. You remember how I said

Manny was afraid of some kid at church who acted

like a vampire? Well, it turns out that kid was

Wesley Stringer.

145

So any hope Mom had of Manny making a new

friend was completely out the window. Manny

skipped dinner and spent the rest of the night

hiding in his bedroom, which I wish I could’ve

done, because Mom made a fancy meal to impress

our guests.

It was cream of mushroom chicken with asparagus

on top. I know asparagus is supposed to be really

good for you, but to me it’s like kryptonite.

I didn’t want to look unsophisticated in front

of Laurel, though, so I decided to just close my

eyes, plug my nose and choke it down.

The grown-ups talked about politics and stuff

that wasn’t all that interesting, and me and

Laurel just had to sit there and listen.

146

Mom told Mrs Stringer about some fancy

restaurant she goes to with Dad when they have

a “date night”, and Mrs Stringer said that she

and her husband can never go out for dinner

on weekends because Laurel is always off doing

something with friends and they can’t find a

reliable babysitter for Wesley.

I told Mrs Stringer that if they ever need a

babysitter they should call ME.

I figured it’s a way to get in good with the

Stringers and get paid doing it. Mom liked the

idea, too, and she said babysitting would be a

great experience for me. Mrs Stringer seemed

pretty impressed, and she asked if I was free

tomorrow, so I told her I was.

147

I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself

here, but I’m sure one day I’ll be sitting around

with the Stringers on Thanksgiving and we’ll all be

laughing about how I used to babysit my brother-

in-law, Wesley, when I was in middle school.

Saturday

Tonight Mom dropped me off at the Stringers’

house at 6:30.

Mrs Stringer said Laurel had already gone to a

friend’s house, which kind of stunk, because I was

hoping I might get to see her for a few minutes

and talk to her about the dance.

148

Mrs Stringer said I should put Wesley to bed at

8:00 and that they’d be home around 9:00. She

told me I could watch TV until they got home

and to help myself to anything in the fridge.

After Mr and Mrs Stringer left, it was just

me and Wesley. I asked Wesley if he wanted to

play a board game or something like that, but he

said he wanted to go out in the garage and get

his bike.

149

I told him it was too cold to ride his bike outside,

but he said he wanted to ride it INSIDE. The

Stringers have a really nice house, and I was

pretty sure they didn’t want Wesley scratching up

their hardwood floors. So I told him we needed to

find something else to do.

Wesley had a huge fit. After he calmed down he

told me he wanted to colour instead. I asked him

where his colouring stuff was, and he said it was

in the laundry room. But when I went to get it

I heard the latch on the door lock behind me.

Then I heard the garage door open, and the

next thing I knew Wesley was riding around the

kitchen on his bike.

150

I pounded on the door for him to let me out, but

he just ignored me.

Next I heard the basement door open, and then

a rumbling sound followed by a HUGE crash. I

could hear Wesley crying at the bottom of the

stairs, and I started to panic because it sounded

like he was really hurt.

151

But then Wesley calmed down, and I could hear

him dragging his bike back up to the top of the

stairs. Then he rode down the stairs and crashed

at the bottom AGAIN, followed by MORE tears.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you this went

on for an hour and a half. I thought Wesley

would wear himself out, but he never did. I

remembered that the Stringers said they couldn’t

find a babysitter for Wesley, and now that was

starting to make a lot of sense.

I figured I was gonna have to punish Wesley

for locking me in the laundry room once I got

out of there. What he DESERVED was a good

spanking, but I figured that probably wouldn’t

fly with the Stringers.

152

I decided I’d give Wesley a time-out, because

that’s what my parents always did when I

misbehaved as a little kid. In fact, when I was

little I even got time-outs from RODRICK.

The thing is I had no idea Rodrick didn’t

actually have the AUTHORITY to give me

time-outs. And I can’t tell you how many hours I

logged in that time-out chair when Rodrick was

babysitting me.

153

One time I was throwing a ball in the house

while I was home alone with Rodrick, and I

accidentally knocked over a wedding photo of Mom

and Dad. Rodrick gave me a half-hour time-out

for THAT one.

When Mom and Dad got home, they saw the

broken picture and asked which one of us had

done it. I told them it was me but that they

didn’t need to give me a punishment, because I’d

already got a time-out from RODRICK.

154

But Mom said the only people who could hand

out punishments were her and Dad, so I ended

up serving a double time-out for breaking

that picture.

I figured Wesley deserved a TRIPLE time-out

for locking me in the laundry room. But it was

getting pretty late, and I knew it would look

bad if the Stringers came home and I was still

locked inside.

So I started looking for another way out. There

was a spare freezer blocking a door to the back

deck, so I pushed with all my might and gave

myself just enough room to squeeze through and

open the door.

155

It was really cold outside, and I was only

wearing a T-shirt and jeans. I tried to open

the front door, but it was locked.

I decided if I was gonna catch this kid off

guard I’d need the element of surprise. So

I walked round the house and tried all the

windows on the ground floor until I found one

that was unlocked. I then pushed it open and

crawled inside.

156

I landed headfirst in someone’s bedroom, and after

I looked around I realized it must be Laurel’s.

Like I said, it was freezing cold outside, so I

needed to warm up before going after Wesley.

But I really regret taking a few minutes to do

that, because during the time I was in Laurel’s

room Mr and Mrs Stringer came home.

157

Hopefully, we can all have a good chuckle about

this story at some future Thanksgiving, too. But

I think it’s gonna be a while before Mr Stringer

is ready to laugh about this one.

Wednesday

After blowing my chances with Laurel Stringer,

I pretty much gave up on finding someone to

take to the dance. It’s only three days away,

and by now everyone who’s going is already

paired up with someone else. So I figured I’d be

spending Saturday night at home playing video

games by myself.

But yesterday Rowley gave me some news after

one of his Dance Committee meetings that

changed EVERYTHING.

158

He said Abigail Brown was upset during the

meeting because the boy she was going with,

Michael Sampson, has a family obligation and had

to cancel on her. So now Abigail has a dress and

no one to go to the dance with.

So the stage is set for me to swoop in and be

the hero. I told Rowley this was his big chance

to come through as my wingman and hook me up

with Abigail.

The thing is Abigail doesn’t really know me, and

I kind of doubted she’d go to the dance with a

person she doesn’t know. So I told Rowley he

should tell Abigail the three of us could go to the

dance TOGETHER as a “group of friends”.

Rowley seemed to like that idea because he’s been

doing all this work on the Dance Committee and

didn’t have anyone to go with, either.

159

I figured the three of us could go out to dinner,

and at the restaurant Abigail would get to see

what a great guy I was. By the time we got to

the dance, we’d walk in as a couple.

The only problem was that we’d need a RIDE. I

wasn’t about to ask Mom for one, because the

seats in our minivan are crusted with old Cheerios

and God knows what else. Plus, having Mom along

on my date could be a total disaster.

I knew if I really wanted to impress Abigail,

I’d need to rent a limo, but those things cost a

FORTUNE. Then I had an idea.

160

Rowley’s dad has a really nice car, so I figured we

could get HIM to drive us. Abigail wouldn’t even

have to know Mr Jefferson was Rowley’s dad. If

we didn’t say anything, she’d just think he was a

professional driver. Maybe I’ll even get him one of

those hats chauffeurs wear, to really sell the idea.

Of course, we wouldn’t be able to say anything to

Mr JEFFERSON, either. Me and him kind of

have a bad history, and I’m sure he wouldn’t be

looking to do me any extra favours.

Things started falling into place today. Rowley

talked to Abigail, and she likes the whole “group

of friends” idea. And, on top of that, Mr

Jefferson agreed to drive us to the dance.

161

So now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that

nothing will happen between now and Saturday

night to screw things up.

Friday

I told Uncle Gary about the dance, and he seems

even more excited about it than I am. He wanted

to know all the details, like how many people were

gonna be there and if they’d hired a DJ. But I

didn’t know the answers to his questions, because

Rowley’s the one on the Dance Committee and

that stuff is kind of in his department.

I was more focused on finding something to

WEAR. Uncle Gary told me if I really want to

impress my date I should wear a suit. I went in

Rodrick’s closet and found a suit that he actually

wore to one of Uncle Gary’s weddings.

162

I couldn’t find any cologne in Rodrick’s junk

drawer, but I DID find a bottle of that body

spray they’re always advertising on TV. I was

a little nervous about using it, though, because if

that stuff really works like they say in the ads

then tomorrow night could be a nightmare.

My Great Uncle Bruce passed away a few years

ago, and I knew we had a box with some of his

personal stuff in the garage. I found a bottle of

his cologne and tried a little on my wrist.

It made me smell exactly like Great Uncle Bruce,

but I figure it’s safer than using that body spray.

163

I even asked Dad to take me to the grocery

store, where I bought a box of those Valentine’s

chocolates for Abigail. I never should’ve taken

the cellophane off the box, though, because I’ve

already helped myself to the buttercreams, peanut

clusters and caramels.

Hopefully, Abigail likes the coconut chocolates

and the ones that taste like toothpaste, because

that’s all that’s really left at this point.

Saturday

Tonight was the night of the big Valentine’s Day

dance, and it got off to a REALLY rough start.

164

When I went over to Rowley’s house to get

ready, I noticed he had little red bumps on his

face that looked like mosquito bites. But then I

realized what those spots were: CHICKEN POX.

Ever since Evan Whitehead showed up at school

with chicken pox a few weeks ago, it’s been

spreading like wildfire in my class.

This past week four boys were sent home by the

school nurse. I’m pretty sure one of those guys

was the Mad Pantser, because there haven’t been

any pantsing incidents since Tuesday.

165

I’ve heard chicken pox is SUPER contagious, and

whenever a kid gets it they’re not allowed to come

back to school for a week. But I couldn’t afford

to have Rowley out of commission for even one

NIGHT. He was my ride to the dance, and I

knew that if his mom and dad didn’t let him go

then I couldn’t go, either.

I told Rowley he had the chicken pox, but I

probably should’ve broken the news to him slowly

instead of all at once.

Rowley was gonna go straight downstairs and tell

his parents, but I told him to calm down and we’d

figure this out together.

166

I said if he could just get through the night

without telling anyone I’d owe him for the rest

of my life. All he needed to do was cover up his

chicken pox and not make a big stink to his

parents. We’d both go to the dance and have a

great time, and no one would even have to know.

But Rowley was too freaked out to think

straight, and I had to give him two coconut

chocolates to quiet him down.

Now that Rowley knew he had the chicken pox,

he was going CRAZY with the itching. So I

got some socks out of his dresser and put them

on his hands.

167

I figured Rowley’s mom and dad probably knew

what chicken pox looked like and we had to find

a way to cover them up. So we went into his

parents’ bathroom and looked through his mom’s

make-up kit to see if there was anything we could

use. I found some stuff called “concealer”, and

that sounded about right to me.

I used a little brush I found in a drawer and

then tried to cover up the problem areas on

Rowley’s face.

But you could totally tell that Rowley was wearing

make-up. So I grabbed a silk scarf from the

top of Mrs Jefferson’s dresser and told Rowley

to put it on and cover up around his mouth.

Then I noticed he had a few chicken pox on his

FOREHEAD, so I found a beach hat in his mom’s

closet and had him put that on, too.

168

I’m not gonna say Rowley looked totally normal,

but at least you couldn’t tell he had the chicken pox.

I kind of held my breath when we got into the

car, but I think Mr Jefferson just thought

Rowley’s get-up was some kind of middle-school

fashion thing, and he didn’t say a word.

When I opened the back door to get in, I was

pretty surprised to find Rowley’s old booster seat

taking up one of the spots.

169

I asked Rowley why he still had a booster seat in

his dad’s car, and he said they just never took it

out once he got big enough for the regular seat.

But, come to think of it, I’ve always thought

Rowley seemed a little too tall whenever he drove

by with his family.

I knew we had to take that thing out before we

went to pick up Abigail, because a limo company

would never have a booster seat in one of its cars.

170

But you needed to be some kind of an engineer to

figure out how to undo the clasp on that thing.

By that point we were already late picking up

Abigail, so we had to just leave it.

When we pulled into Abigail’s driveway, I asked

Mr Jefferson to honk the horn to let her know

we were there.

But Mr Jefferson wouldn’t honk the horn, because

he said that’s no way to treat a “lady”. He said

one of us was gonna have to go to her front door

and “escort” her.

Rowley started to get out, but I realized this

was my big chance to make a good first impression

on Abigail. So I walked up to the house and

knocked on the door.

171

But Abigail didn’t come to the front door – her

DAD did. Apparently, Mr Brown is a state

trooper, or he just likes dressing up like one.

Mr Brown said Abigail was upstairs getting ready

and she’d be down in a minute.

172

He told me to come inside and have a seat while

I waited. It felt like we were sitting there an

HOUR waiting for Abigail to come downstairs,

and I really didn’t like the look of the handcuffs

Mr Brown had on his belt.

I finally decided this was way too much stress for

a Valentine’s Day dance and was ready to bail out.

But, right as I went to leave, Abigail came down

the stairs.

173

The first thing I noticed was that Abigail was

wearing a really poofy dress, and I knew there

was no way the three of us were gonna fit in

the back seat of Mr Jefferson’s car. But there

was no way I was sitting in Rowley’s booster

seat, either, so I volunteered to ride up front.

Besides, I knew Mr Jefferson had heated

front seats, so I figured I might as well take

advantage of that.

Mr Jefferson had a pile of papers in the

passenger seat because I guess he was planning on

doing his taxes or something while he was waiting

for us at the dance.

It was too much of a hassle to move all that

stuff, so I decided to just hop in the very back

of the car so we could get on with the night.

174

Abigail didn’t seem too bothered by the fact that

Rowley was sitting in a booster seat, and I’m

pretty sure she thought he was just doing it as

a joke.

But humour is kind of MY thing, and I wasn’t

about to let Rowley steal my thunder.

It got kind of quiet in the car, so I asked

Mr Jefferson if he could turn on the radio. But,

instead of putting on some music, he tuned in to

some boring talk-radio station, and that’s what

we had to listen to for the rest of the ride.

175

I’m pretty sure he just did that because he was

annoyed I’d called him “Driver”.

Rowley and Abigail got into a conversation, but

I was right next to the speakers in the back

and I couldn’t really hear what they were saying.

176

When Mr Jefferson pulled over, I thought we were

at the restaurant. But we’d stopped at a repair

shop to pick up Mr Jefferson’s vacuum cleaner.

At that point I wished I’d just coughed up

the money for a limo, because a professional

driver wouldn’t have run errands on the way to

the restaurant.

I’d made a reservation at Spriggo’s, which is that

fancy restaurant Mom and Dad are always talking

about. I knew it might be a little pricey, but I’d

saved up a lot of money from chores and I really

wanted to impress Abigail by looking like a big shot.

177

When we pulled into the parking lot, Mr

Jefferson opened the back for me. But, when

I got out, my suit was covered in all these

greasy smears from the vacuum cleaner.

I didn’t want to look like a slob, so I just left my

jacket in the car, and we went into the restaurant

together. I was hoping Rowley would take a hint

and stay back with his dad, but he came right

along with us.

178

Spriggo’s was a LOT fancier than I thought

it would be. When we walked in, the host told

us this was an “upscale establishment” and that

gentlemen were required to wear sports jackets.

But there was no way I was gonna wear my dirty

suit jacket, so I asked the host if he could

just make an exception this one time. He said he

couldn’t but that the restaurant had spare sports

jackets I could borrow. The one he gave me was a

little big, but I put it on anyway.

179

When we sat down, I noticed a terrible smell

and tried to figure out where it was coming from.

Then I realized it was coming from ME. I guess

that loaner jacket had been used by a hundred

different people without ever being washed.

I didn’t want to smell like somebody else’s body

odour during dinner, so I excused myself to go

to the bathroom and scrubbed the sports jacket’s

underarms with soap and water, then dried them

with the hand dryer.

180

Well, that just made it WORSE, because the

heat activated the BO and it spread.

That was it for me. I told Abigail and Rowley

this place was for phonies and we should just

take off.

I left my jacket with the host at the front,

and the three of us walked out of the door. I

said maybe we should just skip dinner and go

right to the dance, but Abigail said she was really

hungry, and Rowley said HE was starving, too.

181

The only other restaurant in the area was Corny’s,

and I told them there was no way I was going

THERE. But Rowley said he really likes the

dessert bar at Corny’s, and Abigail said that

sounded good to her.

I was really starting to regret having Rowley

along on this date, because if all he was gonna

do was take Abigail’s side I’d get outvoted every

single time. But I didn’t want to make a big deal

about it in the middle of my date, so I just bit

my lip and we walked three blocks to Corny’s.

Luckily, I remembered about the tie issue before

we walked in the front door, and I stuffed mine

in my back pocket at the last second.

182

But I didn’t have time to warn Rowley, so now

his tie is a permanent part of the Wall of Shame.

Corny’s was a total ZOO. My family usually goes

on a weeknight, but it’s a whole different scene on

a Saturday.

183

The good news was that since we didn’t have any

little kids with us they didn’t seat us in Children’s

Alley. But the “adult” section of Corny’s wasn’t a

whole lot better. All that separates the two sides

is some glass, and we got seated right next to a

family with a bunch of wild kids.

I asked our waitress if we could move, and she

made a sour face and took our stuff to another

table. But I wish we had just stayed where

we were, because our new situation wasn’t an

improvement.

184

I didn’t want to ask the waitress to move us a

SECOND time, because the last person you want

to make mad is the person who’s serving you your

food. So I put a couple of menus up against the

window to block my view.

Our waitress brought us corn chips, and Rowley

took the socks off his hands so he could eat. I

didn’t think it was such a great idea for all of us

to be grabbing chips out of the same basket while

Rowley had the chicken pox, so I kept it near me.

Every time Rowley looked like he wanted a chip, I

pushed one to him with a straw.

185

I couldn’t remember if the chicken pox is airborne,

so whenever Rowley talked I held my breath just

to be sure.

At one point he told us a really long story about

something that happened to him last summer, and

by the end I almost passed out.

I told Abigail and Rowley that I was paying for

dinner so they should get whatever they wanted.

I was trying to show off a little for Abigail by

throwing my money around.

186

But, when the waitress came back, Abigail ordered

TWO appetizers, and so did Rowley.

The waitress couldn’t understand what Rowley was

saying because of his scarf, though, and he pulled

it down to speak. But, when he did, a single

molecule of spit flew in the air and landed on my

bottom lip.

I let my jaw go totally slack so the molecule

wouldn’t get into my mouth. I tried to stay calm

on the outside, but on the inside I was totally

freaking out.

187

I wanted to wipe my lip with my napkin, but I’d

dropped it on the floor and couldn’t reach it. So

I waited until Abigail was distracted and then

wiped my lip on her sleeve.

We placed our order, and I asked for a plain

hamburger to save money. Abigail ordered the

T-bone steak, which is the most expensive item on

the menu, and Rowley got the same thing even

though I was trying to signal for him to order

something cheap.

188

When our food came out, my hamburger had

lettuce and tomato on it, because at Corny’s they

ALWAYS get your order wrong. I took off the

lettuce and tomato, but there was mayonnaise on

my burger, too.

When our waitress came around again, I told

her I’d ordered a burger with nothing on it. So

she took a napkin and just wiped the mayonnaise

off, then left the napkin right in the middle of

the table.

I lost my appetite after that. But even if I

WAS hungry I probably wouldn’t have finished my

meal anyway. If you clean your plate at Corny’s,

there’s a picture at the bottom that I really

can’t stand.

189

I just sat there and waited while Abigail and

Rowley ate their steaks, and when they’d finished

I signalled for the waitress to come over so I

could pay the bill.

But then Rowley and Abigail said they wanted

dessert. The whole reason we came to Corny’s in

the first place was for the dessert bar, which

comes free with your meal. But of course Rowley

and Abigail each wanted to order a SPECIAL

dessert off the menu, which costs extra.

190

I got up and found our waitress to tell her it was

Rowley’s birthday, because I knew then he’d get

a free dessert. So a few minutes later the waiters

and waitresses all came out and sang “Happy

Birthday” to Rowley and gave him his free cake.

Abigail still ordered a triple-layer chocolate

cheesecake, which she only took two bites out of.

When the bill came, I couldn’t BELIEVE how

much it was. I had to use all the money in my

wallet, and I even had to pull out the five dollars

I was keeping in my sock in case of an emergency.

191

The waitress wouldn’t take the money I had in my

sock because it was a little wet, so I had to go

out to the car and ask Mr Jefferson if he had a

five-dollar bill he could trade.

When I got back to the table, Rowley and

Abigail were in the middle of a conversation, and

it seemed to me like they were sitting a little

closer than when I’d left.

192

I thought about giving Abigail a heads-up that

she might want to keep her distance from Rowley,

but I was afraid she’d bail on the date if she

found out about the chicken pox.

The three of us got back in the car, and Mr

Jefferson drove us to school and dropped us off

at the front door. He gave Rowley a big hug,

which I’m sure seemed pretty weird to Abigail if

she thought he really was a professional driver.

193

The theme of the dance was “Midnight in Paris”,

and I have to admit the Dance Committee did a

pretty good job. The gym was decked out to look

like a street in France. There was a long table set

up with punch and snacks, and there was even a

chocolate fountain with strawberries for dipping.

We handed over our tickets and then got in line

for photos. Each couple had their picture taken in

front of a backdrop of Paris.

194

When it was our turn, I stood with Abigail and

the photographer snapped our photo. But I wish

I’d known Rowley was gonna get in the picture

WITH us, because I would’ve just skipped it.

Something about the DJ looked familiar to me,

and when I got closer I realized it was Uncle

Gary. Don’t even ask me how HE got the job.

195

Uncle Gary must’ve seen it as an opportunity to

unload his T-shirts on my classmates. It was dark

in the gym, so kids didn’t know they were getting

ripped off.

One minute Abigail was standing right next to me,

and the next she was gone. I finally spotted her on

the other side of the gym talking with her friends.

I walked over to them, but before I got there

they all went into the girls’ bathroom together.

196

I have no idea what it is about girls that makes

them go to the bathroom in groups, but something

about it happening NOW really made me nervous.

I didn’t know what Abigail thought of me, but I

figured she was probably telling her friends right

at that moment. The boys’ bathroom is right next

to the girls’ in the gym, so I went in there and

pressed my ear to the wall.

I could hear a lot of giggling, but I couldn’t

really make out the conversation because of all the

racket in the boys’ bathroom.

197

I tried to get people to stop making noise, but

it was no use.

It got quiet on the other side of the wall, so I

walked back into the gym, and Abigail and her

friends were over by the punch.

At 7:50, Uncle Gary turned up the music, and it

looked like the dance was gonna get started for

real. But that’s when some people my gramma’s age

started trickling in.

198

By 8:00 there must have been a hundred of them

crowded around the entrance. There was some sort

of commotion between one of the teachers and a

few of the senior citizens, so I got closer to see

what was going on.

The senior citizens claimed they’d booked the gym

for a town meeting about the new Senior Centre.

Mrs Sheer told them she reserved the gym for

the dance two weeks ago.

But the seniors said they reserved it two MONTHS

ago, and they had the paperwork to prove it.

The Senior Centre people said us kids were gonna

have to clear out of the gym so they could have

their meeting.

199

But then some of the girls on the Dance

Committee got in on the conversation, and it

looked like it was about to get ugly.

Just when it seemed like a fight was gonna break

out, Mrs Sheer suggested a compromise. She said we

could put up the partition in the middle of the gym

and the seniors could have their meeting on one half

and us kids could have our dance on the other.

200

Everybody seemed to be able to live with that

idea, and the janitor put up the partition.

Losing half of the gym was kind of a bummer, but

what killed the mood was the LIGHTS. There’s

only one switch for the overhead lights in the

gym, and they had to be either all on or all off.

The senior citizens wanted them on for their

meeting, so that was the end of the “Midnight in

Paris” vibe over on our side of the gym.

201

The bright lights were bad for Uncle Gary, too,

because now all the kids who bought shirts from

him could see they’d been ripped off, and they

started demanding their money back.

Uncle Gary tried to distract everyone by turning

the music up, and a lot of people hit the dance

floor.

202

The girls danced in a big group in the middle of

the gym. Every once in a while a guy would try to

dance his way into the group, but the girls had

formed a kind of wall that kept the boys out.

I didn’t really understand that until I tried

to make a move to break into the circle and got

totally blocked.

One of the seniors came over to our side of the

gym and complained that the music was too loud

and it needed to be turned way down.

203

So Uncle Gary lowered the volume by about 80%,

and then we could hear every word of the Senior

Centre meeting.

That didn’t seem to bother the girls, though. A

lot of them took out their personal music players

and just kept dancing.

204

By that point most of the boys had had enough.

All that time being on their best behaviour around

the girls had taken its toll, and a lot of the guys

just totally cut loose.

Mrs Sheer and the rest of the chaperones tried

to calm the boys down, but it was hopeless. It

was a really wild scene, and it was actually getting

a little dangerous.

I thought about going over to the seats to get

out of everyone’s way, but at that moment the

Mad Pantser struck again and I decided I was

better off where I was.

205

Every once in a while, a few latecomers would walk

in and turn right back around when they saw

what was happening in the gym. But, at around

9:00, Michael Sampson walked in holding hands

with Cherie Bellanger.

Michael was the boy Abigail was SUPPOSED to

go to the dance with, but I guess his “family

obligation” story was just a lie.

206

And, judging from the look on his face, I don’t

think he was expecting Abigail to be there, either.

After that, it was just a whole lot of drama.

Michael took off and left his date behind, and

Abigail spent the next half hour bawling her eyes

out in the corner of the gym.

I did what I could to help make Abigail feel

better, but she kind of had a crowd around her,

so I’m not sure she actually noticed.

207

Right about that time, the Senior Centre meeting

wrapped up, and a few of the seniors started

drifting over to our side of the gym and helping

themselves to the refreshments.

They went through the strawberries pretty quick,

and then there was nothing for people to dip in

the chocolate fountain.

208

So kids started sticking their fingers directly in

the fountain, and it was Corny’s all over again.

One kid lost a contact lens in the chocolate

fountain, and Mrs Sheer had everyone stand back

so she could fish it out when it cycled back through.

Since the meeting was over, Uncle Gary turned

the music back up.

209

But the old folks started making song requests

and, the next thing you knew, our Valentine’s Day

dance was overrun by senior citizens.

I just watched everything play out from my spot

against the back wall, wondering why I’d even

wanted to go to the dance in the first place. I

was also starting to regret not wearing the body

spray I’d found in Rodrick’s junk drawer, because

Great Uncle Bruce’s cologne was attracting people

outside my age group.

210

It was almost 10:00, and Uncle Gary announced

that the next song would be the last one of the

night. When the music started playing, a few

kids paired up and walked out on the dance floor

as couples, which was the first time that had

happened all night.

I couldn’t wait for the song to end, because this

dance was a total disaster, and I just wanted

to go home and play some video games so I could

erase the whole experience from my brain.

But, just when I thought things couldn’t get

any worse, I saw Ruby Bird and she was coming

right for me.

211

I didn’t know if she was gonna ask me to dance

or if I’d somehow done something to make her

mad, but I did not want to end up getting

bitten at a middle-school dance.

I looked for some way to escape, but I was

trapped. Luckily, Abigail walked right out of the

bathroom at that exact moment, and I grabbed

her hand just before Ruby got to me.

212

Abigail’s make-up was a mess from all the crying,

but I didn’t really care. I was just happy to

have an excuse to get away from Ruby. And, to

be honest with you, I think Abigail was happy

to see me, too, so I led her to an empty spot on

the dance floor.

I’d never slow-danced with a girl before, so I

didn’t know where I was supposed to put my

hands. She put hers on my shoulders, and I

put mine in my pockets, but that felt kind of

dumb. So we met in the middle, and that seemed

about right.

Then I noticed something on Abigail’s chin. It

was a little red bump that looked EXACTLY like

one of Rowley’s chicken pox.

213

Now, before I say what happened next, let me

just explain in my defence that I was already on

edge about the whole chicken-pox thing.

But, I admit, I MAY have overreacted a little.

It turns out it WASN’T chicken pox, though. It

was just a pimple. When Abigail was crying, her

make-up must’ve washed off her chin.

Anyway, I know that NOW, but anyone in my

shoes probably would’ve reacted the same exact way

I did.

214

But I don’t think Abigail saw it that way, because

on the ride home she wasn’t real chatty with me.

When we pulled up to Abigail’s house, Rowley

walked her to the front door. That was fine with

me, because it gave me a chance to finish off the

rest of the chocolates. And, after the night I’d

just had, I was totally STARVING.

215

Wednesday

A lot has happened since the Valentine’s Day dance.

A few days ago Uncle Gary bought a bunch of

scratch cards with the money he made selling

T-shirts, and one of his cards was a forty-

thousand-dollar winner. So he paid Dad the money

he owed him, wished me luck with the “ladies” and

moved out of the house.

The other big news is that I got a full-blown

case of the chicken pox.

216

I can’t say for sure how I got them, but I

really hope it wasn’t from Rowley, because I’m not

that crazy about the idea of a bunch of Rowley’s

virus cells attacking my immune system.

I’m pretty sure I DIDN’T get the chicken pox

from Rowley, though. I’ve seen him walking to

school the past few days and, from what I can

tell, he’s been wearing his mom’s make-up on his

chin. So I think those red bumps might’ve been

pimples, just like Abigail’s.

And, speaking of Rowley and Abigail, I heard

that the two of them are a couple now. All I can

say is if that’s true it makes Rowley the worst

wingman in history.

217

I’m supposed to stay home from school for at

least a week. The good news is that with everyone

out of the house I can take long baths without

anyone bothering me.

But I will admit all that floating around isn’t as

great as I remember it, and after just an hour

your skin gets all wrinkly. So don’t ask me how I

lived that way for nine months.

Plus, I get a little lonely being by myself all day.

Or at least I THINK I’m alone. Today I had a

fresh towel next to the tub, and when I opened

my eyes it was gone.

So either somebody’s messing with me or Johnny

Cheddar is at it again.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to my wonderful family for all your encouragement and for

all the laughs. A lot of our stories are laced in these books, and it’s

been great fun to share this adventure with all of you.

Thanks to everyone at Abrams for publishing these books and for

putting so much care into making them as good as they can be.

Thanks to Charlie Kochman for treating every book like it’s the first.

Thanks to Michael Jacobs for everything you’ve done to make

Greg Heffley reach his full potential. Thanks to Jason Wells, Veronica

Wasserman, Scott Auerbach, Chad W. Beckerman and Susan Van

Metre for your dedication and for your fellowship. We’ve had lots of

good times, and there are many more to come.

Thanks to everyone at my job – Jess Brallier and the entire team

at Poptropica – for your support, camaraderie and dedication to

creating great stories for kids.

Thanks to Sylvie Rabineau, my terrific agent, for your encourage-

ment and guidance. Thanks to Elizabeth Gabler, Carla Hacken, Nick

D’Angelo, Nina Jacobson, Brad Simpson and David Bowers for

bringing Greg Heffley and his family to life on the big screen.

Thanks to Shaelyn Germain for making things run smoothly behind

the scenes and for helping in so many ways.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is an online game developer and designer, and a #1

New York Times bestselling author. Jeff has been named one of Time

magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World. Jeff is also the

creator of Poptropica.com, which was named one of Time magazine’s

50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C.,

area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern

Massachusetts with his wife and their two sons.

MARCH

Monday

Mom’s always saying that friends will come and go

but family is forever. Well, if that’s true, I could

be in for a rough ride.

I mean, I love my family and all, but I’m just

not sure we were meant to LIVE together. Maybe

it’ll be better later on when we’re all in different

houses and only see each other on holidays, but

right now things are just a little dicey.

I’m surprised Mom’s always pushing the “family”

message, since she and her sisters don’t really

get along. Maybe she thinks if she keeps

repeating it to me and my brothers, then

we’ll come out different. But, if I was her, I

wouldn’t hold my breath.

I think Mom is just trying to make me feel better

about my situation with Rowley anyway. Rowley’s

been my best friend ever since he moved into my

neighbourhood, but things have really changed

between us recently.

And it’s all because of a GIRL.

Believe me, the last person in the world I ever

thought would get a girlfriend was ROWLEY.

I always thought I’D be the one in a relationship

and Rowley would be the guy everyone kind of

felt sorry for.

I guess I’ve got to give Rowley some credit for

actually finding a girl who likes him. But I don’t

have to be HAPPY about it.

Back in the good old days, it was just me and

Rowley, and we hung out and did whatever we

wanted. If we felt like blowing bubbles in our

chocolate milk at lunch, then that’s exactly what

we did.

But now that there’s a girl in the picture things

are TOTALLY different.

Wherever Rowley is, his girlfriend Abigail is, too.

And even if she ISN’T there it SEEMS like she

is. I invited Rowley to my house for a sleepover

last weekend so the two of us could spend some

time together, but after about two hours I gave

up trying to have any fun.

And when the two of them are in the same place

it’s even WORSE. Ever since Rowley and Abigail

got together, it’s like Rowley doesn’t even have his

own OPINIONS any more.

I was hoping this would’ve all blown over by now

and things would be back to normal, but there’s

no sign of this ending anytime soon.

If you ask me, it’s ALREADY gone too far.

I’ve started noticing little changes in Rowley,

like the way he combs his hair and the clothes he

wears. And, I GUARANTEE you, Abigail is

behind all of it.

But I’M the one who’s been best friends with Rowley

all these years, so if anyone has the right to

change him it’s ME.

I just don’t get how you can go from being

someone’s best friend to getting kicked to the

kerb. But that’s exactly what happened.

During the winter, me and Rowley stored up some

snowballs in my freezer so we could have a snowball

fight when the weather got warm.

Well, yesterday was the first nice day we’ve had in

forever, but when I went over to Rowley’s house

he acted like he was too good for me.

The thing is , I can honestly say I’ve been nice

to Abigail, but SHE doesn’t like ME. She’s been

trying to drive a wedge between me and Rowley

ever since the two of them became a couple.

But whenever I try to bring the topic up with

Rowley I get the same thing every time.

I wish I could give Rowley a piece of my mind,

but I CAN’T because I’m depending on him to

get me through the school year.

I have Mr Blakely for English, and he makes

us turn in all our assignments in cursive. But it

really hurts my hand when I write in cursive

for too long, so I’ve been paying Rowley one

peanut-butter cracker for every page that he

transcribes for me.

But if I have to start writing my OWN

assignments the handwriting on my homework

won’t be the same as before, and Mr Blakely will

know.

So I’m stuck with Rowley, at least until I can

find someone who can write exactly like him and

who also likes peanut-butter crackers.

But the biggest problem with this Abigail

situation isn’t the English homework, it’s the

walk to school. Me and Rowley used to head in

together every morning, but now Rowley goes

over to Abigail’s neighbourhood and walks to

school with HER.

This is an issue for a COUPLE of reasons. For

one, me and Rowley have a deal where he’s in

charge of scouting ahead for dog poop on the

pavement. And that arrangement has saved me a

BUNCH of times.

There’s this one dog that really has it in for me

and Rowley, and we have to keep our guard up

whenever we pass by his house. He’s this really

mean Rottweiler named Rebel, and he used to get

out of his yard and chase us on our way to school.

Rebel’s owner had to install an electric fence to

make sure he couldn’t get loose. Now Rebel can’t

chase us, because if he takes one step out of his

yard he’ll get a shock from his collar.

Ever since me and Rowley found out about Rebel’s

electric collar, we’ve been having some fun with him.

But Rebel figured out that as long as his

COLLAR doesn’t cross over the property line

he won’t get shocked.

And if I didn’t have Rowley watching out for me

I definitely would’ve stepped on one of Rebel’s

land mines by now.

The other reason it stinks that Rowley isn’t

walking with me is because, with the school year

winding down, the teachers have really been

loading us up with homework lately.

That means I have to take almost all my books

home with me every day.

My body’s not built to carry that kind of weight,

but Rowley is practically like a pack animal, so it’s

no problem for HIM.

Love is in the air – but what does that mean

for Greg Heffley?

A Valentine’s Day dance

at Greg’s middle school

has turned his world

upside down. As Greg

scrambles to find a

date, he’s worried he’ll

be left out in the cold on the big night. His best

friend, Rowley, doesn’t have any prospects either,

but that’s a small consolation.

Then an unexpected twist gives Greg a partner for

the dance and leaves Rowley the odd man out. But

a lot can happen in one night, and in the end you

never know who’s going to be lucky in love . . .

“HILARIOUS” – Sunday Telegraph

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