I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

breakfast staining the pages.

Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

much fun reading it as I did writing it.

Jeff Kinney

september

Monday

I guess Mom was pretty proud of herself for

making me write in that journal last year, because

now she went and bought me another one.

But remember how I said that if some jerk

caught me carrying a book with “diary” on the

cover they were gonna get the wrong idea?

Well, that’s exactly what happened today.

Now that Rodrick knows I have another journal,

I better remember to keep this one locked up.

Rodrick actually got ahold of my last journal

a few weeks back, and it was a disaster. But

don’t even get me started on that story.

Sissy!

Punch

My brother Rodrick

Even without my Rodrick problems, my summer

was pretty lousy.

Our family didn’t go anywhere or do anything

fun, and that’s Dad’s fault. Dad made me join

the swim team again, and he wanted to make sure

I didn’t miss any meets this year.

Dad’s got this idea that I’m destined to be a

great swimmer or something, so that’s why he

makes me join the team every summer.

Kill 'em

Brandon!

No

mercy,

Todd!

Stop

shivering,

Greg!

chatter

chatter

2

At my first swim meet a couple of years ago,

Dad told me that when the umpire shot off the

starter pistol, I was supposed to dive in and

start swimming.

But what he didn’t tell me was that the starter

gun only fired blanks.

So I was a whole lot more worried about where the

bullet was gonna land than I was about getting

myself to the other end of the pool.

3

Even after Dad explained the whole “starter

pistol” concept to me, I was still the worst

swimmer on the team.

But I did end up winning “Most Improved” at

the awards banquet at the end of the summer.

That’s only because there was a ten-minute

difference between my first race and my last one.

So I guess Dad’s still waiting for me to live up

to my potential.

In a lot of ways, being on the swim team was

worse than being in middle school.

First of all, we had to be at the pool by 7:30

every morning, and the water was always

freezing cold.

pat

pat

4

And second of all, we were all crammed into two

lanes, so I always had somebody on my tail trying

to get around me.

The reason we had to use two lanes was because

swim practice was at the same time as the Water

Jazz class.

I actually tried to convince Dad to let me do

Water Jazz instead of swim team, but he wouldn't

go for it.

splish

tap

tap

Come on,

ladies! Get

those arms up!

5

This was the first summer the coach let us boys

wear swim trunks instead of those skimpy racing

trunks. But Mom said Rodrick’s hand-me-down

bathing suit was “perfectly fine.”

After swim practice, Rodrick would pick me up in

his band’s van. Mom had this crazy idea that if

me and Rodrick spent “quality time” on the ride

home every day, we wouldn’t fight as much. But

all it did was make things a lot worse.

Rodrick was always a half hour late picking me up.

Ha ha

ha!

Your friends

will be

jealous

because

you'll be

so fast!

Ha ha

ha!

6

And he wouldn’t let me sit up front. He said the

chlorine would ruin his seat, even though the van is

something like fifteen years old.

Rodrick’s van doesn’t actually have any seats in

the back, so I had to squeeze in with all the

band equipment. And every time the van came to

a stop, I had to pray I didn’t get my head

taken off by one of Rodrick’s drums.

Get in

the back.

GAAAH!

slide

7

I ended up walking home every day instead of

getting a ride from Rodrick. I figured it was

better to just walk the two miles than to get

brain damage riding in the back of that van.

Halfway through the summer, I decided I was

pretty much done with swim team. So I came up

with a trick to get out of practice.

I’d swim a few laps, and then I’d ask the coach

if I could use the bathroom. Then I’d just hide

out in the locker room until practice was over.

The only problem with my plan was that it was

something like forty degrees in the boys’ bathroom.

So it was even colder in there than it was in

the pool.

8

I had to wrap myself up in toilet paper so I

didn't get hypothermia.

That’s how I spent a pretty big chunk of my

summer vacation. And that’s why I’m actually looking

forward to going back to school tomorrow.

Tuesday

When I got to school today, everybody was

acting all strange around me, and at first I

didn’t know what was up.

scream!

scream!

9

Then I remembered: I still had the Cheese Touch

from last year. I got the Cheese Touch in

the last week of school, and over the summer I

completely forgot about it.

The problem with the Cheese Touch is that you’ve

got it until you can pass it on to someone else.

But nobody would even get within thirty feet of

me, so I knew I was gonna be stuck with the

Cheese Touch for the whole school year.

Luckily, there was a new kid named Jeremy Pindle

in homeroom, so that took care of that problem.

My first class was Pre-Algebra, and the teacher

put me right next to Alex Aruda, the smartest

kid in the whole class.

Welcome to our

school, Jeremy!

slap

10

Alex is super easy to copy off of, because he

always finishes his test early and puts his paper

down on the floor next to him. So if I ever

get in a pinch, it’s nice to know I can count

on Alex to bail me out.

Kids whose last names start with the first few

letters of the alphabet get called on the most

by the teacher, and that's why they end up

being the smartest.

Some people think that’s not true, but if you

want to come down to my school, I can prove it.

I can only think of one kid who broke the

last-name rule, and that's Peter Uteger. Peter

was the smartest kid in the class all the way up

until the fifth grade.

11

That's when a bunch of us started giving him a

hard time about how his initials sounded when you

said them out loud.

These days, Peter doesn't raise his hand at all,

and he’s pretty much a C student.

I guess I feel a little bad about the whole P.U.

thing and what happened to Peter. But it's hard

not to take credit whenever it comes up.

Teacher,

the answer

to that

question

is...

P.U.!

P.U.!

Yeah!

P.U.! P.U.!

I started

that.

12

Anyway, today I got pretty decent seats in all

my classes except seventh-period History. My

teacher is Mr. Huff, and something tells me he

had Rodrick as a student a few years back.

Wednesday

Mom has been making me and Rodrick help out

more around the house, and now the two of us

are responsible for doing the dishes every night.

The rule is that we're not allowed to watch any

tv or play video games until all the dishes are

done. But let me just say that Rodrick is the

worst dishes partner in the world.

Mr. Heffley, you'll be

sitting in this chair

next to my desk.

13

As soon as dinner is over, he goes upstairs to the

bathroom and camps out there for an hour. And

by the time he comes back downstairs, I'm

already done.

But if I ever complain to Mom and Dad, Rodrick

always pulls out the same lame excuse:

I think Mom and Dad are too worried about my

little brother, Manny, to get involved in a fight

between me and Rodrick right now anyway.

I'm ready

to start!

My body

is on a

schedule.

14

Yesterday, Manny drew a picture at day care,

and Mom and Dad got really upset when they

found it in his backpack.

Mom and Dad thought the picture was supposed

to be of them, so now they’re acting all lovey

in front of Manny.

I knew who it was really supposed to be in

the picture: me and Rodrick.

I love

you

soooo

much!

And I

love

you

so much!

15

We got into a big blowout over the remote control

the other night, and Manny was there to witness

the whole thing. But Mom and Dad don’t need to

find out about that.

Thursday

Another reason my summer was kind of lame was

because my best friend, Rowley, was on vacation

pretty much the whole time. I think he went to

South America or something, but to be honest

with you, I'm not really sure.

I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or

whatever, but it’s hard for me to get interested

in other people’s vacations.

And then we're

gonna get on a

boat and cruise

down this river

mm hmm ... Hey,

have you ever

noticed this

freckle before?

16

Besides, it seems like Rowley's family is always

traveling to some crazy place in the world, and

I can never keep their trips straight.

The other reason I don’t care about Rowley’s trips

is because whenever Rowley comes back from one of

his vacations, he always crams it down my throat.

Last year, Rowley and his family went to Australia

for ten days, but from the way he acted when he

got back, you'd think he lived there his whole life.

Another thing that's really annoying is that

whenever Rowley goes to some new country, he

gets into whatever fad is going on over there.

G'day,

mate!

17

Like when Rowley got back from Europe two

years ago, he got hooked on this pop singer

named “Joshie,” who I guess is some huge star

or something. So Rowley came back with his bags

full of Joshie cds and posters and stuff.

I took one look at the picture on the cd and

told Rowley that Joshie was supposed to be for

six-year-old girls, but he didn’t believe me.

Rowley said I was just jealous because he was

the one who “discovered” Joshie.

And what made it really irritating was that now

this guy was Rowley’s new hero. So if I ever

tried to say anything critical at all, Rowley didn’t

want to hear it.

wild

animal

heart

18

Speaking of foreign countries, today in French

class, Madame Lefrere told us we’re going to be

choosing pen pals this year.

When Rodrick was in middle school, he had a

seventeen-year-old girl from Holland as his pen

pal. I know because I’ve seen the letters in his

junk drawer.

Joshie says you

should respect your

parents and follow

your dreams!

I like the

sunshiny

days &

ice cream.

Do you, too?

19

When Madame Lefrere handed out the forms, I

made sure I checked off the boxes that would

get me a pen pal just like Rodrick's.

But after Madame Lefrere read over my form, she

made me start over and pick again. She said I

had to choose a boy who is my age, and he has

to be French. So I don't exactly have high

hopes for my pen-pal experience.

Friday

Mom decided to start making Rodrick pick me up

after school, just like he picked me up after swim

practice. I guess that means she didn’t learn

from that experience. But I did. So when

Rodrick picked me up today, I asked him to

please take it easy on the brakes.

Je m'appelle

"Philippe."

20

Rodrick said ok, but then he went out of his

way to find every speed bump in town.

When I got out of the van, I called Rodrick a

big jerk, and then it got physical. Mom saw the

whole thing unfold from the living room window.

slow

crash

ouch

bump

21

Mom made us come inside, and she sat us down at

the kitchen table. Then she said me and Rodrick

were going to have to settle our differences in a

“civil manner.”

Mom told me and Rodrick we each had to write

down what we did wrong, and then we had to

draw a picture to go along with it. And I knew

exactly where Mom was going with that idea.

Mom used to be a preschool teacher, and whenever

a kid would do something wrong, she’d make him

draw a picture of it. I guess the idea was to

make the kid feel ashamed of what he did so he

wouldn’t do it again.

I will not break the

crayons because that

makes the other children

very sad.

22

Well, Mom’s idea might have worked great on a

bunch of four-year-olds, but she’s going to have

to think of something better if she wants me

and Rodrick to get along.

I will not call Rodrick names.

bunny

rabbit!

WAAAAH!

I will not push Gregory.

AIEEE!

23

The truth is, Rodrick can pretty much treat me

any way he wants, because he knows there’s nothing

I can do about it.

See, Rodrick is the only one who knows about this

really embarrassing thing that happened to me

over the summer, and he’s been holding it over my

head ever since. So if I ever tell on him for any-
thing,
he’ll spill my secret to the whole world.

I just wish I had some dirt on him to even

things out.

I do know one embarrassing thing about Rodrick,

but I don’t think it’s gonna do me any good.

When Rodrick was a sophomore, he was sick the day

they did school photos. So Mom told Dad to mail in

Rodrick’s freshman picture for the school to use

in the yearbook.

Don’t ask me how Dad screwed this up, but he

sent in Rodrick’s second-grade picture.

24

And believe it or not, it actually got printed.

Unfortunately, Rodrick was smart enough to rip

that page out of his yearbook. So if I’m ever

gonna find something to use against him, I

guess I have to keep digging.

Wednesday

Ever since Mom assigned the dishes to me and

Rodrick, Dad’s been going down to the furnace

room after dinner to work on this miniature Civil

War battlefield of his.

25

Dad spends at least three hours a night down

there working on that thing. I think Dad

would be happy to spend the whole weekend

working on his battlefield, but Mom has

other plans for him.

Mom likes to rent these romantic comedies, and

she makes Dad watch them with her. But I

know Dad is just waiting for the first chance to

break away and go back down to the basement.

Whenever Dad can’t be down in the furnace

room, he makes sure us kids keep away from it.

kiss

smooch

26

Dad won't let me or Rodrick go near his

battlefield, because he thinks we're gonna mess

something up.

And earlier today I overheard Dad say something

to Manny to make sure he doesn’t go poking

around back there, either.

Saturday

Rowley came over to my house today. Dad doesn’t

like it when Rowley comes over, because Dad

always says Rowley is “accident prone.” I think

it’s because this one time Rowley was eating dinner

here, and he dropped a plate and broke it.

I think I just

heard some

grunting noises

coming from the

furnace room.

27

So now Dad has this idea that Rowley is going

to ruin his whole Civil War battlefield in one

klutzy move.

Whenever Rowley comes over to my house these

days, he gets the same greeting:

Duh.

bounce

The basement

is off limits.

Yes,

sir.

28

Rowley’s dad doesn’t like me, either. That’s why

I don’t go over to his house much anymore.

The last time I spent the night at Rowley's,

we watched this movie where some kids taught

themselves a secret language that no grown-ups

could understand.

Me and Rowley thought that was pretty cool,

and we tried to figure out how to talk in the

same language the kids were using in the movie.

But we couldn't really get the hang of it, so we

made up our own secret language.

Beegle boddle

brup bop!

Bork!

Translation: at exactly 2:30 P.M., let's

all drop our books on the floor.

29

Then we tried it out at dinner.

But Rowley's dad must have cracked our code,

because I ended up getting sent home before

dessert. And I haven’t been invited to spend

the night at Rowley’s ever since.

Your-pa dad-pa

smells-pa

like-pa a

woman-pa!

hee hee

hee!

30

When Rowley came over to my house today, he

brought a bunch of pictures from his trip with

him. He said the best part of his vacation was

when they went on a river safari, and he showed

me all these blurry pictures of birds and stuff.

Now, I've been to the Wild Kingdom amusement

park a bunch of times, and they have this River

Rapids ride where they have these awesome robot

animals like gorillas and dinosaurs.

If you ask me, Rowley's parents should have just

saved their money and taken him there instead.

Did you see any

sharks fighting

giant tarantulas

on your safari?

No. And sharks

don't fight

tarantulas.

Well, at

wild kingdom

they do.

31

But of course Rowley didn’t want to hear about

my experiences, so he just gathered up his pictures

and went back home.

Tonight after dinner, Mom made Dad watch one

of the movies she rented, but Dad really wanted

to work on his Civil War battlefield.

When Mom got up to go to the bathroom, Dad

stuffed a bunch of pillows under the blanket on his

side of the bed to make it look like he was asleep.

Mom didn't find out about Dad's decoy until after

the movie was over.

She made Dad come to bed, even though it was

only 8:30.

32

And now Manny sleeps in Mom and Dad’s bed,

because he’s afraid of the monster that lives in

the furnace room.

Tuesday

I thought I was done hearing about Rowley's

trip, but I was wrong. Yesterday, our Social

Studies teacher asked Rowley to tell the class all

about his vacation, and today he came to school

wearing this ridiculous costume. But what was even

worse was when some girls came up to Rowley

at lunch and started kissing his butt.

Will you

tell us more

about your

trip?

"Si!" heh,

heh

33

But then I realized maybe that wasn’t such a

bad thing after all. So I started parading

Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all,

he is my best friend.

Saturday

Dad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday

for the past few weeks. At first, I thought it

was because he wanted to spend more time with me.

But then I realized he's just making sure he's out

of the house for Rodrick's band practices, which I

can totally understand.

Rodrick and his heavy-metal band practice in the

basement on weekends.

Rowley here

just got back

from South

Dakota!

South

America!

Whatever!

34

The lead singer of the band is this guy named

Bill Walter, and me and Dad bumped into Bill on

the way out the door today.

Bill doesn't have a job, and he still lives with his

parents, even though he’s thirty-five years old.

I’m pretty sure Dad’s worst fear is that

Rodrick is going to see Bill as some kind of role

model, and that Rodrick will want to follow in

Bill’s footsteps.

So whenever Dad sees Bill, it just puts him in a

bad mood for the rest of the day.

Mornin'

Mr. Heffley!

35

The reason Rodrick invited Bill to be in his band

was because Bill got voted “Most Likely to Be a

Rock Star” when he was in high school.

That hasn't really worked out for Bill yet. And

I think I heard Anna Wrentham is in prison.

Anyway, me and Dad went to the mall for a few

hours today, but when we got back, Rodrick’s

band practice wasn’t over yet. You could hear the

guitars and drums from a block away, and there

were a bunch of random teenagers hanging out in

our driveway.

Most likely to be a rock star

36

I guess they must have heard the music coming

out of the basement and got drawn to it, sort

of like how moths get drawn to a light.

When Dad saw all those teenagers in the driveway,

he totally freaked out.

Dad ran inside to call the cops, but Mom

stopped him before he could dial 911.

Mom said those teenagers weren’t doing any harm,

and that they were just “appreciating” Rodrick's

music. But I don't even know how she could say

that with a straight face. And if you ever heard

Rodrick's band, you'd know what I mean.

37

Dad couldn't relax with all those teenagers out in

our driveway.

So Dad went upstairs and got his boom box.

Then he put in a classical music cd and let it

play. And you would not believe how quickly

the driveway cleared out after that.

38

Dad was pretty proud of himself for thinking up

that one. But Mom accused him of getting rid of

Rodrick's “fans” on purpose.

Sunday

Today, on the car ride to church, I was making

faces at Manny, trying to get him to laugh. I

made this one face that made Manny laugh so

hard that apple juice came out of his nose.

What? I can't

enjoy my

music, too?

Bwah

ha ha!

39

But then Mom said:

Well, once Mom put that thought in Manny’s

head, it was all over.

See? This is the reason I keep my distance from

Manny. Every time I try to have a little fun

with him, I end up regretting it.

I remember when I was younger, and Mom and

Dad told me I was getting a little brother. I

was really excited.

You could

have killed

him!

40

After all those years of getting pushed around

by Rodrick, I was definitely ready to move up a

notch on the totem pole.

But Mom and Dad have always been super

protective of Manny, and they won’t let me lay a

finger on him, even if he totally deserves it.

Like the other day, I plugged in my video game

system, and it wouldn’t start. I opened it up

and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate-

chip cookie in the disc drive.

YAAH!

kick

YAAH!

kick

41

And of course Manny used the same excuse he

always uses when he breaks my stuff.

I really wanted to let Manny have it, but I

couldn’t do anything with Mom standing right there.

Mom said she would have a “talk” with Manny, and

they went downstairs. A half hour later, they

came back up to my room, and Manny was holding

something in his hands.

I'm ownwy

thwee!

I'm

sowwy,

Bubby.

42

It was a ball of tinfoil with a bunch of toothpicks

sticking out of it.

Don’t ask me how that was supposed to make up

for my broken video game system. I went to

throw the stupid thing away, but Mom wouldn’t

even let me do that.

The first chance I get, that thing’s going in the

trash. Because mark my words, if I don’t get rid

of it, I’m gonna end up sitting on it.

Your brother

made that

for you!

43

Even though Manny drives me totally nuts, there is

one reason I like having him around. Ever since

Manny started talking, Rodrick has stopped making

me sell chocolate bars for his school fund-raisers.

And believe me, I’m grateful for that.

Before

Um ... Hello,

sir ... would

you like

to help

support

Not

interested!

Now

Wood you

wike some

chokwits?

How

precious!

44

Monday

Madame Lefrere made us write our first pen-pal

letters today. I got assigned to this kid named

Mamadou Montpierre, and I guess he lives

someplace in France.

I know I'm supposed to write in French and

Mamadou is supposed to write in English, but to

be honest with you, writing in a foreign language

is pretty hard.

So I really don't see the need for both of us to

stress out over this whole pen-pal thing.

By the way, remember how I said I was gonna

end up sitting on Manny’s spiky tinfoil ball thing?

Well, I was half right.

Dear Mamadou,

First of all, I think we should both just

write in English to keep things simple.

45

Rowley came over today to play video games, and

he ended up sitting on it.

I’m actually kind of relieved, to be honest with

you. I lost track of that thing a couple of days

ago, and I’m just glad it finally turned up.

And in all the commotion, I threw Manny’s

“gift” in the garbage. But something tells me

Mom wouldn’t have stopped me this time.

Wednesday

Rodrick has an English paper due tomorrow, and

Mom's actually making him do it himself for once.

Rodrick doesn't know how to type, so he usually

writes his papers out on notebook paper and then

hands them off to Dad.

dab

dab

46

But when Dad reads over Rodrick's work, he

finds all sorts of factual errors.

Rodrick doesn’t really care about the mistakes, so

he tells Dad to just go ahead and type the

paper like it is.

But Dad can’t stand typing a paper with errors

in it, so he just rewrites Rodrick's paper from

scratch. And then a couple days later, Rodrick

brings his graded paper home and acts like he did

it himself.

Well, for starters,

Abraham Lincoln

didn't write "To Kill

A Mockingbird".

47

This has been going on for a few years, and I

guess Mom decided she’s going to put an end to

it. So tonight she told Dad that Rodrick was

going to have to do his own work this time

around, and that Dad wasn't allowed to help out.

Rodrick went in the computer room after dinner,

and you could hear him typing about one letter

a minute.

I could tell the sound of Rodrick typing was

driving Dad totally bananas. On top of that,

Rodrick would come out of the computer room

every ten minutes and ask Dad some dumb question.

Where's the

space bar

again?

48

After a couple of hours, Dad finally cracked.

Dad waited for Mom to go to bed, and then he

typed Rodrick's whole paper for him. So I

guess this means Rodrick’s system is safe, at

least for now.

I have a book report due tomorrow, but I’m

really not sweating it.

I found the secret to doing book reports a long

time ago. I’ve been milking the same book for the

past five years: “Sherlock Sammy Does It Again.”

type

type

type

49

There are about twenty short stories in

“Sherlock Sammy Does It Again,” but I just

treat each story like it's a whole book, and the

teacher never notices.

These Sherlock Sammy stories are all the same.

Some grown-up commits a crime, and then

Sherlock Sammy figures it out and makes the

person look stupid.

I'm kind of an expert at writing book reports

by now. All you have to do is write exactly what

the teacher wants to hear, and you’re all set.

Your first mistake,

Mr. Beasley, was

when you forgot to

convert celsius to

fahrenheit!

geek!

50

Man, Sherlock Sammy is

so smart, and I'll bet that's

cause he reads so many

books.

I'll

bet

you're

right!

There were a bunch of

hard words in this book,

but I looked them up in

the dictionary so now I

know what they mean.

I guess

you're a

bit of a

"sleuth"

yourself!

51

october

Monday

There was a kid named Chirag Gupta who was

one of my friends last year, but he moved away in

June. His family had a big going-away party, and

the whole neighborhood came. But I guess Chirag’s

family must have changed their mind, because today

Chirag was back in school.

Everyone was happy to see Chirag again, but a

couple of us decided to have a little fun with him

before officially welcoming him back.

So we basically pretended he was still gone.

Boy, I sure

do miss

Chirag.

yeah...I

wonder

how he's

doing?

Hey, guys!

I'm right

here!

52

I have to admit, it was pretty funny.

At lunch, Chirag sat next to me. I had an

extra chocolate-chip cookie in my lunch bag, and

I made a big deal about it.

Did you

just hear

something?

Nope...

must have

been the

wind!

I wish Chirag was

here. Oh, how he

loved chocolate-

chip cookies.

But I'm sitting

right next

to you!

I'm not

even that

hungry

53

OK, so maybe that one was a little cruel.

I guess we’ll probably let Chirag off the hook

tomorrow. But then again, this Invisible Chirag

thing could turn into the next “P.U.”

Tuesday

OK, so the Invisible Chirag joke is still going,

and the whole class is in on it now. I don't

want to get too far ahead of myself or anything,

but I think I might have Class Clown in the

bag for dreaming this one up.

In Science, the teacher asked me to count the

number of kids in the classroom so she'd know

how many pairs of safety goggles to get out of

the closet.

Gobble gobble

smack smack

54

So I made a big show of counting everyone in

the room except Chirag.

Well, that really set Chirag off. He got up

and started yelling, and it was really hard to

stare straight ahead and act like he wasn't there.

...33...34!

There are 34

people in

this class.

I ... am ... a...

human...

being ... too!

55

I wanted to tell him that we never said he wasn't

a human being, it’s just that he’s an invisible

human being. But I managed to keep my mouth shut.

Before you go and say I’m a bad friend for teasing

Chirag, let me just say this in my own defense:

I’m smaller than about 95% of the kids at my

school, so when it comes to finding someone I can

actually pick on, my options are pretty limited.

And besides, I’m not 100% to blame for dreaming

up this idea. Believe it or not, I got the idea

from Mom. This one time when I was a kid, I

was playing under the kitchen table, and Mom

came looking for me.

Has anyone

seen Gregory?

56

I don’t know what made me do it, but I decided

to play a joke on Mom and stay hidden.

Mom went all around the house calling my name.

I think she must have finally seen me under the

kitchen table, but she still pretended she didn't

know where I was.

I thought it was pretty funny, and I probably

would’ve stayed hidden under there for a little

while more. But Mom finally got me to crack when

she said she was gonna give my gum-ball machine

to Rodrick.

Poor Gregory, all

alone in the snow.

oh, boo hoo hoo.

57

So if you want to point fingers on the Invisible

Chirag joke, now you know who’s really to blame.

Thursday

Well, yesterday, Chirag pretty much gave up on

trying to get anyone in our class to talk to him.

But today he found our weakness.

Rowley,

do you

think I

exist?

Nope! I

can't even

hear you

or see you!

58

I forgot all about Rowley. When the joke

first started up, I made sure to keep him away

from Chirag, because I had a feeling Rowley

would blow the joke.

But I guess I kind of got too cocky and let my

guard down.

Chirag started working on Rowley at lunch, and he

came really close to getting him to crack.

I could tell Rowley was about to say something,

so I had to act quick. I told everyone there

was a floating corn dog hovering above our lunch

table, and then I plucked it out of the air and

ate it in two bites.

If you say I

exist, this

corn dog is

yours!

59

So thanks to my quick thinking, we were able to

keep the joke going.

But that really made Chirag mad. He started

punching my arm, but of course I had to pretend

like I didn't notice.

And let me tell you, that wasn't easy to do.

Chirag might be small, but that kid can really punch.

(gobble, smack.)

Not as good as

the regular

kind, though.

Is there a flea breathing

on me? Because it feels

like a tiny little flea is

breathing on me.

punch

punch

60

Friday

Well, I guess Chirag must have complained to a

teacher about my little joke, because today I got

called down to the front office.

When I got to Vice Principal Roy's room, he was

pretty mad. He knew all about how I started the

joke, and he gave me a speech about “respect”

and “decency” and all that.

But luckily, Mr. Roy got one crucial fact wrong,

and that was the identity of the person we

were playing the joke on. So that made the

apology part a whole lot easier.

I am deeply sorry,

and now I do

indeed admit that

you exist, Sharif.

61

Mr. Roy seemed pretty satisfied with my apology,

and he let me go without even tacking on any

detention.

I've always heard that when Mr. Roy is done

chewing a kid out, he sends them off with a pat

on the back and a lollipop. And now I can tell

you firsthand that it's true.

Saturday

Rowley's birthday party is tomorrow, so Mom

took me to the mall to get him a gift. I picked

out this cool video game that just came out, and I

handed it to Mom so she could pay for it. But Mom

said I had to buy it with my own money.

lick

62

I told Mom that first of all, I have zero money.

And second of all, if I did have any money, I

wouldn’t be wasting it on Rowley.

Mom didn’t seem too happy with what I said,

but it’s not my fault I’m broke. I actually had

a job this summer, but the people I worked for

stiffed me, so I didn’t earn a single penny.

We have these neighbors named the Fullers who

live a few doors up, and they go away on vacation

every summer.

They usually leave their dog, Princess, in the

kennel, but this year, they told me they'd pay me

five bucks a day to feed Princess and take her

out. I figured I’d earn enough to buy a whole

pile of video games with that kind of money.

63

But I guess Princess is gun-shy about going to

the bathroom in front of strangers, so I

ended up spending a lot of time standing

around in the hot sun waiting for this dumb dog

to hurry up and go.

I'd wait and wait and nothing would happen,

and then I'd just take Princess back inside.

But every time I’d leave, Princess would make a

big mess in the foyer, and I’d have to clean it up

the next day. Toward the end of the summer I

got smart and realized it would be a whole lot

easier to just clean up all of Princess's messes at

once instead of doing it every single day.

Come

on!

64

So I fed her and let her do her business on the

foyer floor for about two weeks.

Then, the day before the Fullers were due back,

I headed up the hill with all my cleaning supplies.

But guess what? The Fullers cut their trip short

and got home a day early.

I guess they didn’t know it’s polite to call ahead

and let people know when your plans have changed.

65

Tonight, Mom called a house meeting with me and

Rodrick. She said that the two of us are always

complaining that we don’t have any money, so she

came up with a way for us to earn some cash.

Then she pulled out some play money she must've

dug up out of a board game, and she called the

money “Mom Bucks.” Mom said we could earn Mom

Bucks by doing chores and good deeds and stuff

like that, and we could trade them in for

real money.

Mom handed us $1,000 each to get us started.

I thought I had struck it rich. But then she

explained that each Mom Buck was only worth a

penny of real money.

Mom told us how we should save up our Mom Bucks,

and if we were patient, we could buy something we

really wanted.

66

But Rodrick cashed in his whole stash before Mom

was even done talking.

Then he went down to the convenience store and

blew his money on some heavy-metal magazines.

If Rodrick wants to waste his money like that,

he can go right ahead. But I'm gonna be smart

with my Mom Bucks.

Sunday

Today was Rowley’s birthday party, and he had it

at the mall. I’m sure I would have thought it was

a lot of fun if I was about seven years old.

67

That was the average age of the kids at Rowley’s

party. Rowley invited his whole karate team, and

most of those kids are still in elementary school. I

just wish I would have known what the party

was gonna be like so I could have skipped it.

We started off playing these dopey party

games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey and

stuff like that. The last game we played was

Hide-and-Seek.

My plan was to just hide in the ball pit and stay

there until the party was over. But some

other kid was already in there.

It turned out this kid wasn't from Rowley's

party. He was from the last birthday party

that happened an hour earlier.

68

I guess he must have hid in there during Hide-and-

Seek, and nobody ever found him.

So Rowley’s party had to be put on hold while

the staff tried to track down this kid’s parents.

After that situation got cleared up, we had cake

and watched Rowley open his gifts. He mostly

got a bunch of kids’ toys, but he seemed pretty

happy about it.

YAAAY!

69

Then Rowley's parents gave him their present.

And guess what? It was a diary.

It kind of ticked me off, because I knew

Rowley asked his parents for a diary so he could

be just like me. After Rowley opened his present

he said:

I let him know exactly what I thought of that

idea by slugging him in the arm. And I really

don’t care that it was his birthday, either.

We can call

ourselves the

"diary twins"!

Owww...

rub

rub

70

One thing I will say, though. I used to be mad

at Mom for getting me a journal that looked too

girly. But after seeing Rowley’s diary, I’m not

so mad anymore.

Lately, Rowley has been totally riding me.

He reads the same comic books I read, drinks

the same kind of soda I drink, you name it.

Mom says I should be “flattered,” but to be

honest with you, it’s totally creeping me out.

A couple days ago, I did an experiment to see

just how far Rowley would go.

sweet

secrets

diary

71

I rolled up one of my pant legs and tied a bandanna

around my ankle and went to school that way.

Sure enough, the next day Rowley came to school

wearing the same exact thing.

And that's how I ended up in Vice Principal

Roy's office for the second time in a week.

Monday

I thought I was totally in the clear for the

Invisible Chirag thing. But, boy, was I wrong.

There are some

thugs outside my

house sporting

"gang colors."

72

Tonight, Mom got a call from Chirag's dad.

Mr. Gupta told Mom all about the prank we

were playing on his son, and how I was the

ringleader.

When Mom questioned me, I told her I didn’t

even know what Chirag’s dad was talking about.

Then Mom marched me up to Rowley's house to

hear what he had to say.

Luckily, I was prepared for this kind of thing.

I had already drilled Rowley on what to do if

we ever got busted, and that if we both just

denied everything, we’d be ok.

73

But the second Mom started asking Rowley

questions, he broke down.

So after our visit to Rowley’s house, Mom drove

me over to Chirag’s to apologize. And let me tell

you, that wasn’t a whole lot of fun.

Mr. Gupta didn’t seem too impressed with my

apology, but believe it or not, Chirag was actually

pretty cool about it.

74

After I apologized, Chirag invited me inside to

play video games. I think he was so relieved to

finally have one of his classmates talking to him

again that he just decided to forgive me for the

whole incident.

So I guess I forgive him, too.

Tuesday

Even though Chirag let me off the hook last

night, Mom wasn’t done with me yet.

She wasn’t really that mad about the joke or how

I treated Chirag. She was just mad that I

lied about it.

So Mom told me she’ll ground me for a month

if she catches me lying again.

75

And that means I better watch my step,

because Mom’s not gonna forget what she said.

When it comes to my screwups, Mom has a memory

like an elephant.

Last year Mom caught me lying, and I paid the

price for it.

Mom made a gingerbread house a week before

Christmas, and she put it on top of the

refrigerator. She said nobody was allowed to

touch it until Christmas Eve dinner.

That's the second

time you tracked

mud into the

kitchen!

first time: six years ago

76

But I couldn’t help myself. So every night, I’d

sneak downstairs and pick off a little piece of the

gingerbread house. I tried to only eat a tiny

piece each time so Mom wouldn’t notice.

It was really hard to limit myself to one gumdrop

or one little crumb of gingerbread each night, but

I managed to do it anyway.

77

I didn’t know how much I had actually eaten until

Mom took it down off the fridge on Christmas Eve.

When Mom accused me of eating all the candy, I

denied it. But I wish I just fessed up right away,

because that fib totally backfired on me.

Mom had just gotten hired to write a parenting

column for the local newspaper, and she was always

looking for material. So that incident pretty much

made me into a local celebrity.

When your child

is being deceptive

The weeks leading up to Christmas

can be a source of stress for a child

and can harbor unforeseen temp-

tations. My son Gregory found that

78

You know, now that I think about it, Mom isn’t

exactly squeaky clean when it comes to being

honest herself.

I remember when I was a kid, and she found out

I wasn’t brushing my teeth every night. She faked

a call to the dentist’s office. And that call is the

reason why I still brush my teeth four times a day.

Friday

Well, it’s been three days and I’ve kept my promise

to Mom. I’ve been 100% honest the whole time,

and believe it or not, it’s not that hard.

Dr. Kratz, do you have

dentures for little

boys? Oh, only wooden

ones? I guess that will

have to do, then.

79

In fact, it’s kind of liberating. I’ve been in a

couple of situations already where I was a lot

more honest than I would have been a week ago.

For example, the other day I had a conversation

with this neighborhood kid named Shawn Snella.

When I grow up,

I'm gonna be a

professional

basketball

player!

Think again, Shawn!

Neither one of your

parents is taller

than five-foot-two,

and you're the only

200-pound six-year-

old I know!

Waaah!

I cannot

tell a lie.

80

And yesterday, Rowley’s family had a birthday

party for his grandfather.

Most people don’t seem to appreciate a person as

honest as me. So don’t ask me how George

Washington ever got to be president.

Next year,

I want a

chocolate

cake!

That is if

you're

alive

next year!

Hey, I'm just

trying to be

realistic!

81

Saturday

Today I answered the phone, and it was Mrs.

Gillman from the pta, looking for Mom. I tried

to hand her the phone, but she whispered for me

to tell Mrs. Gillman that she wasn’t home.

I couldn’t tell if Mom was trying to trick me

into lying or what, but there was no way I

was going to break my honesty streak over

something as dumb as this.

So I made Mom go out on the front porch before

I said a word to Mrs. Gillman.

My mother is

not inside

the house

right now.

82

And from the look Mom gave me when she came back

in the house, I kind of get the feeling she’s not

gonna hold me to that honesty pledge anymore.

Monday

Today was Career Day at school. They have

Career Day every year to get us kids to start

thinking about our future.

They brought in a bunch of adults who had all

these different jobs. I think the idea is that us

kids will find out about a job we like, and then

we’ ll know what we want to be when we grow up.

But what really happens is that you just

find out which jobs to rule out.

And that's

why I love

being an

electrical

engineer!

electrical

engineer

formulate concept

of operations

write plans and

procedures

integrate plans

and procedures

83

After the presentations, we had to fill out

these questionnaires. The first question was,

“Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?”

I know exactly where I’ll be in fifteen years:

in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But

there weren’t any check boxes for that option.

The questionnaires are supposed to predict what

kind of job you’re going to have when you grow

up. When I was finished, I looked up my job on

the chart, and I got “Clerk.”

Well, there must be something wrong with the way

they set these forms up or something, because I

don’t know any clerks who are billionaires.

84

Some other kids were unhappy with the jobs

they ended up with, too. But the teacher said

we shouldn’t take these things too seriously.

Well, try telling that to Edward Mealey. Last

year, he got “Sanitation Worker” on his job

chart, and the teachers have been treating him

different ever since.

Rowley got “Nurse” on his job chart, and he

seemed pretty happy about it. A couple of girls

got Nurse, too, and they were chatting away

with Rowley after class.

Edward, could

you please

clean up this

juice spill?

scoot

scoot

85

Next year I have to remember to sit next to

Rowley and copy his job form so I can get in on

some of that action.

Saturday

Me and Rodrick were just sitting around the

house today, so Mom sent us over to Gramma’s to

rake her leaves.

Mom said she’d pay us $100 in Mom Bucks for

each bag we filled. Plus, Gramma said she’d give us

hot chocolate after we were finished.

I really didn’t feel like working on a Saturday,

but I needed the cash. Besides, Gramma makes

really awesome hot chocolate. So we got some

rakes and plastic bags from our garage and

headed down to Gramma’s house.

86

I took one side of the yard, and Rodrick took

the other. But ten minutes into the job,

Rodrick came over and told me I was doing

everything all wrong.

Rodrick said I was putting way too many leaves

in each bag, and that if I just tied the bag closer

to the bottom, I could get done a lot quicker.

No, no

no!

87

See, now this is the kind of advice you’re

supposed to get from your older brother.

After Rodrick showed me that trick, we went

through bags like nobody’s business. In fact, we

ran out in half an hour.

Gramma didn’t seem too happy about forking over

the hot chocolate when we came inside. But like

they say, a deal’s a deal.

Monday

Ever since Career Day, Rowley has been spending

lunch with a bunch of girls who sit at the corner

table in the cafeteria. I guess the group of them

is like the Future Nurses of America or something.

Ahhhh!

88

Don’t ask me what they talk about over there.

They just whisper and giggle like a bunch of

first-graders.

All I can say is, they better not be talking

about me.

You remember how I said Rodrick is the only one

who knows about that really embarrassing thing

that happened to me over the summer? Well,

Rowley knows the second most embarrassing

thing that ever happened to me, and I really

don’t need him digging it back up.

Back in fifth grade, we had a project in Spanish

where we had to do a skit in front of the class,

and my partner was Rowley.

Psst psst

psst!

Hee hee

hee!

89

We had to do the whole skit in Spanish. Rowley

asked me what I would do for a candy bar, and

I said I’d stand on my head.

But when I tried to do a headstand, I tipped

over, and my rear end went right through the wall.

Well, the school never bothered to fix the hole, so

for the rest of my time in elementary school, my

butt-print was on display in Mrs. Gonzales’s room.

And if Rowley’s spreading that story around,

believe me I’m gonna tell the whole world who ate

the Cheese.

Estario

parado

en mi

ay-ay-ay!

90

Wednesday

Today I realized that if I wanted to know what

Rowley and those girls are talking about at lunch,

all I have to do is read his diary. I’ll bet he’s

writing down all sorts of juicy gossip in that thing.

The problem is, Rowley’s diary is locked. So even

if I got ahold of it, I wouldn’t have any way to

open it. But then I thought of something. All I

had to do was buy the same exact diary he has,

and then I’d have a key.

So I went to the bookstore tonight and got

the last one on the shelf. I just hope buying

this thing was worth it, because I had to cash

in half of my Mom Bucks to pay for it. And I

don’t think Dad was too thrilled with the idea of

me buying a Sweet Secrets Diary, either.

91

Thursday

After Phys Ed today, I saw that Rowley

accidentally left his diary on the bench. So when

the coast was clear, I used my new key on his

diary, and sure enough, it worked.

I opened it up and started reading.

Dear Diary,

Today I played with

my Dinoblazer action

figures again. It was

Mecharex vs. Triceraclops

and Mecharex bited Tri-

ceraclops in the tail.

Ow!

Darn.

92

I flipped through the rest of the book to see if

my name was in there anywhere, but it was just

page after page of this garbage.

After seeing what’s going on in Rowley’s head,

I’m kind of starting to wonder why I’m even

friends with him in the first place.

Saturday

Things at home have been really good for about a

week. Rodrick has the flu, so he doesn’t have

the energy to bother me. And Manny has been

at Gramma’s, so I’ve had the TV all to myself.

And then Triceraclops

turned around and

said oh yeah well how

do you like that and

he shot Mecharex right

in the heinie.

Ow

no

fair.

93

Yesterday, Mom and Dad made a surprise

announcement. They said they were going away

for the night, and that me and Rodrick were in

charge of the house.

That was some pretty big news, because Mom and

Dad have never left me and Rodrick on our

own before.

I think they’ve always been afraid that if they

go away, Rodrick is gonna have a huge party

and trash the house.

But with Rodrick knocked out with the flu, they

must’ve seen their big chance. So after Mom gave

us a speech about “responsibility” and “trust” and

all that, they took off.

94

The second Mom and Dad walked out the

door, Rodrick jumped up off of the couch and

picked up the phone. Then he called every friend

he knew and told them he was having a party.

I thought about calling Mom and Dad to tell

them what Rodrick was up to, but I’ve never

actually been to a high school party before, so

I was curious. I decided to just keep my mouth

shut and soak it all in.

Rodrick told me to get some folding tables out of

the basement and bring a couple of bags of ice out

of the downstairs freezer. Rodrick’s friends started

to show up around 7:00, and before you knew it,

there were cars parked up and down the street.

95

The first person to walk through the door was

Rodrick’s friend Ward. A bunch more people

started showing up after that, and Rodrick told

me we were gonna need more tables. So I went

downstairs to get them.

But as soon as I stepped foot in the basement,

I heard the door lock behind me.

I pounded on the door, but Rodrick just

cranked up the music to drown me out. So I was

stuck down there.

Man, I should’ve known Rodrick would go and

pull something like that.

click

96

I guess it was pretty dumb of me to think

Rodrick was gonna let me in on the action.

It sounded like it was a pretty wild party. I

think some girls even showed up at one

point, but I couldn’t be too sure, because it was

hard to keep track of what was going on from

just looking at the bottoms of people’s shoes.

The party was still going strong at 2:00 a.m.,

but that’s when I gave up. I spent the night on

one of the spare beds in the basement, even

though there were no blankets on it. I practically

froze to death, but there was no way I was

gonna use a blanket from Rodrick’s bed.

97

Somebody must’ve unlocked the basement door

overnight, because when I woke up this morning, it

was open. And when I walked upstairs, it looked

like a tornado had touched down in the family room.

The last of Rodrick’s friends wasn’t gone until

3:00 in the afternoon. And once everyone left,

Rodrick told me I had to help him clean up.

I told Rodrick he was out of his mind if he

thought I was helping. But then Rodrick said

that if he got busted for the party, he was

taking me down with him.

98

He said if I didn’t help him clean up the mess,

he would tell all my friends about the thing that

happened to me this summer.

I couldn’t believe Rodrick would play dirty like

that. But I could tell he was serious, so I just

got to work.

Mom and Dad were supposed to be back by

7:00, and we still had a ton of work to do.

It wasn’t easy to erase all the evidence of the

party, because Rodrick’s friends had left trash in

all these crazy places. At one point, when I

went to make myself a bowl of cereal, a half-eaten

piece of pizza fell out of the box.

99

By 6:45, we had things pretty well wrapped

up. I went upstairs to take a shower, and

that’s when I saw the message written on the

inside of the bathroom door.

I tried scrubbing the writing off with soap and

water, but whoever wrote that thing must’ve used a

permanent marker.

Mom and Dad were gonna be home any minute, so

I thought we were doomed. But then Rodrick

had a genius idea. He said we could switch the

door out and replace it with a closet door

from the basement.

So we got some screwdrivers and went to work.

100

We finally managed to get the door off its

hinges, and then we carried it downstairs.

Then we got the closet door from Rodrick’s room

in the basement and brought it upstairs.

101

We made it with no time to spare. Mom and

Dad’s car rolled into the driveway right when we

were tightening the last screw.

You could tell they were pretty relieved the house

hadn’t burned down while they were away.

I don’t think we’re totally out of the woods just

yet. Because with the way Dad was poking

around tonight, I’m sure it won’t be long before

he figures out about the party.

Well, Rodrick might have lucked out this time,

but all I can say is, he should be glad manny

wasn’t there to see the party. Manny is a

huge tattletale. In fact, he’s been telling on

me ever since he could talk. He’s even told on me

for stuff I did before he could talk.

sniff

sniff

102

When I was a kid, I broke the sliding glass door

in the family room. Mom and Dad didn’t have any

evidence that I was the one who did it, so they

couldn’t peg it on me, and I was in the clear.

But Manny was there when it happened, and two

years later, he squealed on me.

So after Manny started talking, I had to

worry about all the bad things he saw me do

when he was a baby.

Bubby thowed

wock at big

window.

squirt

squirt

103

I used to be a big tattletale myself until I learned

my lesson. One time, I told on Rodrick for saying

a bad word. Mom asked me which word he said, so

I spelled it out. And it was a long one, too.

Well, I ended up getting a bar of soap in my

mouth for knowing how to spell a bad word, and

Rodrick got off scot-free.

Monday

Tomorrow, I have an English assignment due where

I have to write an “allegory.”

That’s basically a story that says one thing but

means something else. I was having trouble getting

inspired, but then I saw Rodrick outside working

on his van, and I got an idea.

104

Rory Screws Up
by Greg Heffley

Once upon a time there was this monkey named Rory.

The family he lived with loved him very much, even

though he was constantly screwing things up.

One day Rory accidentally rang the doorbell, and

everybody thought he did it on purpose. So they

gave him some bananas as a reward.

Rory

You are so

smart, Rory!

eee!

eee!

105

Well, now Rory was going around thinking he was

some sort of monkey genius or something. And one

day, he heard his owner say —

So Rory’s primitive mind raced to formulate a plan.

And here is what he eventually came up with:

Rory worked all day and all night, and to make a long

story short, the end result was not a fixed car.

My dang car

is broke!

Rory... fix...

kar!

Rory

106

After it was all over, Rory had learned a very

valuable lesson: Rory is a monkey. And monkeys

don’t fix cars.

After I finished my paper, I showed it to

Rodrick. I figured he wouldn’t get it, and sure

enough, I was right.

Like I said before, Rodrick knows he’s got me

under his thumb with this “secret” thing. So I

have to get my licks in any way I can.

The End

Monkeys don't

understand

English, stupid.

107

Wednesday

Today was Manny’s first day of preschool, and

apparently it didn’t go so great.

All the other kids in Manny’s school started back

in September. But Manny wasn’t potty trained

until last week, so that’s why he had to wait

until now to make the jump from day care.

Manny’s preschool was having their Halloween

party today, so it wasn’t the greatest way to

introduce him to his classmates.

Manny’s teachers had to call Mom at work and

have her come get him.

108

I remember my first day of preschool. I didn’t

really know anyone, so I was pretty scared

about being around a bunch of new kids. But this

boy named Quinn came right over and started

talking to me.

I didn’t get that it was a joke, so it really

freaked me out.

Do you like

ice cream?

yeah!

then why don't

you marry it?

109

I told Mom I didn’t want to go back to preschool,

and I told her all about Quinn and what he said.

But Mom told me Quinn was just being silly, and

I didn’t need to listen to him.

After Mom explained the joke, I actually thought

it was pretty funny. I couldn’t wait to go back to

school the next day and try it out myself.

But it didn’t really have the same effect.

You're gonna

grow up and get

married to some

ice cream! Ha!

110

november

Monday

It’s been over a week since Rodrick’s party, and

I stopped worrying that Mom and Dad were

gonna bust us for it. But remember that bathroom

door we switched out? Well, I forgot all about it

until tonight.

Rodrick was upstairs in my room bugging me, and

Dad went into the bathroom. A couple seconds later,

he said something that made Rodrick stop cold.

I thought it was over. If Dad knew about the

door, it was just a matter of time before he

found out about the party.

Hey...didn't

this door

used to lock?

111

But Dad didn’t put two and two together.

You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Mom

and Dad found out about the party. Rodrick

would get grounded, which would be awesome.

So if I can figure out a way to spill the beans

without Rodrick finding out, I’m gonna go for it.

Tuesday

I got my first letter from my French pen pal,

Mamadou, today. I decided to adjust my attitude

and give this whole pen-pal thing my best effort.

So when I wrote back to Mamadou today, I tried

to be as helpful as possible.

I must be

losing my

marbles.

Ahhhhh...

112

I think it’s dumb that Madame Lefrere won’t let

us use e-mail with our pen pals. Albert Murphy

has already written back and forth with his pen

pal a bunch of times, and it’s costing them a lot

of money in stamps.

Dear Gregory,

I am very privileged

to make your acquaintance.

Mamadou

Dear Mamadou,
I'm pretty sure "aquaintance"
doesn't have a "c" in it.
I really think you need to work

on your English.

Sincerely, Greg

Dear Jacques

How old are you?

Dear Albert,

12.

Dear Jacques

oh.

Cost: $14

113

Friday

Tonight, Rowley’s parents went out to dinner,

so they got him a babysitter.

I don’t know why Rowley can’t just watch himself

for a few hours, but believe me I’m not complaining.

Rowley’s babysitter is Heather Hills, and she’s the

prettiest girl at Crossland High School.

So whenever the Jeffersons go out, I always make

sure to be up at Rowley’s for “story time.”

I went up to Rowley’s at about 8:00 tonight. I

even splashed on some of Rodrick’s cologne to make

sure I made a good impression on Heather.

Can you

scooch

over a

little

bit?

sorry...there's

really not

enough room.

114

I knocked on the door and waited for Heather

to answer. But I was caught a little off guard

when Rowley’s next-door neighbor Leland

answered instead.

I can’t believe Rowley’s parents switched

babysitters from Heather to leland. They

should’ve at least checked with me before doing

something stupid like that.

Once I realized Heather wasn’t there, I turned

around to go back home. But Rowley asked me if

I wanted to hang out and play Magick and

Monsters with him and Leland.

Hello!

Scream!

115

The only reason I said “yes” was because I

thought it was some kind of video game. But

then I found out that you play it with pencils

and paper and these special dice, and that you’re

supposed to use your “imagination” or whatever.

It actually turned out to be pretty fun, mostly

because in Magick and Monsters you can do all

sorts of stuff you could never do in real life.

When I got home, I told Mom all about Magick

and Monsters and how Leland was a really awesome

Dungeon Keeper. Rodrick overheard me talking

about Leland, and he said that Leland is the

biggest nerd at his high school.

I light Rowley's

eyebrows with

a torch.

Ouuuchhh

116

But this is coming from a guy who spends his

Saturday nights putting fake throw-up on people’s

cars in the Home Depot parking lot. So I think

I’ ll just take Rodrick’s opinion with a grain of salt.

Wednesday

I’ve been going up to Leland’s house every day

after school to play Magick and Monsters. I was

headed up there again today when Mom stopped

me at the door.

Mom has been acting real suspicious of this whole

Magick and Monsters thing.

What the

heck?

har har har!

117

And from the questions she’s been asking me, I

guess she must think Leland is teaching me and

Rowley witchcraft or something. So today,

Mom said she wanted to go with me to

Leland’s to watch us play.

I begged Mom not to come, because first of

all I knew she would never approve of all the

violence in the game.

And second of all, I knew that having her in

the room would totally ruin the whole experience

for everyone.

118

When I begged Mom not to join us, it made her

even more suspicious. So now there was no

changing her mind.

Rowley and Leland couldn’t have cared less that

Mom came with me. But I couldn’t enjoy myself,

because I felt like a total dork playing in

front of her.

I figured Mom would eventually get bored and

just go home, but she stuck around. And right

when I thought she was finally gonna leave,

Mom said that she wanted to join in the game.

So Leland started setting up a character for

Mom, even though I was trying to signal to him

that it was a big mistake.

Uh ... my wizard

Talroc utters the

spell of Talrune.

119

When Leland created a character for Mom, Mom

told Leland she wanted her character to be my

character’s mother in the game.

I did some quick thinking and told Mom that all

the characters in Magick and Monsters are orphans,

so she couldn’t be my mother.

And Mom believed me. But then she asked Leland

if she could name her character “Mom,” and he

said “yes.”

I have to give Mom credit for figuring out that

loophole, but it totally ruined the rest of the

game for me.

I hand a

turkey

leg to...

"Mom."

Thank you,

sweetie!

120

Even though Mom wasn’t technically my mother in

the game, she sure acted like she was.

At this one point, our characters were hanging out

in a tavern waiting for a spy to arrive, and my

dwarf, Grimlon, ordered a pint of mead. Mead is

sort of like beer in Magick and Monsters, and I

guess Mom didn’t approve of that.

The worst part of the game was when we got

into a battle situation. See, the whole point of

Magick and Monsters is that you’re supposed to

kill as many monsters as possible so you can get

points and move up in levels.

Mom accidentally

bumps Grimlon's

arm and spills

his drink.

121

But I don’t really think Mom got that concept.

After about an hour of things going like this, I

decided to quit. So I gathered up my stuff, and

me and Mom headed home.

You run into a

pack of orcs...

and they look

hungry!

We give them

all of our

food!

122

On the way back, Mom was really talking up

Magick and Monsters, saying how it could help me

with my “math skills” and stuff like that. All I

can say is, I hope she isn’t planning on becoming

a regular at these games. Because the first

chance I get, “Mom” is getting handed over to

a pack of Orcs.

Thursday

After school today, Mom took me to the bookstore

and bought just about every Magick and Monsters

book on the shelf. She must’ve dropped about

$200, and she didn’t even make me cash in a

single Mom Buck.

I realized maybe I judged Mom a little too quick,

and maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing having her

in our group after all.

123

I was all set to take my new books up to Leland’s,

but that’s when I found out there was a catch.

Mom actually bought all those books so me and

Rodrick could play Magick and Monsters

together. She said it was a good way for the

two of us to work out our differences.

Mom told Rodrick she wanted him to be the

Dungeon Keeper, just like Leland. Then she

dumped the pile of books on Rodrick’s bed and

told him to start studying up.

It was bad enough playing in front of Mom at

Leland’s house, but I knew playing with Rodrick

would be about ten times worse.

124

Mom was serious about me and Rodrick playing

together, so I knew I was gonna have to go

through with it. I spent about an hour up in my

room making up characters with names Rodrick

couldn’t make fun of, like “Joe” and “Bob.”

Once I was finished, I met Rodrick in the

kitchen, and we started our game.

I guess I should be grateful that it was over

with quickly. And I just hope Mom saved her

receipts on those books.

You and your group of

nerds fall into a pit and

it's full of dynamite and

you blow up. The end.

125

Friday

The teachers have really been cracking down on

kids copying off of each other this year.

Remember how I said I was glad I got put

next to Alex Aruda in Pre-Algebra? Well, that

hasn’t done me any good.

Mrs. Lee is my Pre-Algebra teacher, and I’m

guessing she also had Rodrick when he was in middle

school. Because that woman watches me like a hawk.

Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I

had a glass eye or something like that. First of

all, I could use it to play all sorts of wacky

tricks on my friends.

But the main thing I’d use it for is to help me

get better grades.

here,

catch!

Ok! What

is it?

126

On the first day of school, I’d aim my glass eye

down like this:

Then I’d go up to the teacher and say, “Listen, I

just wanted to tell you I have a glass eye. So don’t

go thinking I’m looking at other people’s papers.”

Then, during a test, I’d aim my glass eye down

at my own paper, and I’d look at some brainy

kid’s paper with my real eye.

glass

eye

real

eye

Okee doke.

Thanks for

letting

me know.

127

I could copy away! And the teacher would be

too dumb to notice.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a glass eye. So if

Mom asks me why I flunked my pop quiz in

Pre-Algebra today, that’s my excuse.

Sunday

Rodrick has been hitting Mom and Dad up for

cash lately, so I guess the Mom Bucks program

isn’t really working out for him. Mom has tried to

make Rodrick do more chores to earn some money,

but that hasn’t been going too well.

That poor

glass eye

kid.

Is this

how you

do it?

You need

to be using

a clean

rag, son!

128

But tonight, Mom figured out a way Rodrick

could earn some cash. My school sent home a

newsletter saying that Music Education has been

cancelled because of budget cuts, so parents

should get their kids private music lessons.

Mom told Rodrick he could give me private drum

lessons, and that she would pay him for it.

I think Mom came up with the idea because

lately Rodrick’s been telling everyone he’s a

“professional drummer.”

There’s this local show called the “Community

Follies” where all the neighborhood parents do a

bunch of comedy skits, and it’s been running in our

local theater for about two weeks.

129

The other night, the regular drummer got sick,

so Rodrick filled in, and he got paid five bucks.

I don’t know if that really makes Rodrick a

“professional drummer,” but that didn’t stop me

from using it to score points with the girls at school.

Corny joke,

corny joke

yuk yuk

yuk!

ba-dum

crash

My brother's a

professional

drummer!

130

When Mom told Rodrick he should start giving

me drum lessons, he wasn’t too hot on the idea.

But then Mom said she’d pay him ten dollars a

lesson, and that I could get a bunch of my

friends to sign up, too.

So now I’ve gotta recruit some people for

Rodrick’s Drum Academy. And I can already

tell, this isn’t gonna be a lot of fun.

Monday

I couldn’t get any of my friends to sign up for

Rodrick’s drum school except Rowley, and I kind

of had to trick him into doing it. Rowley is

always saying he wants to learn how to play the

drums, but he wants to play the kind they use

in marching bands.

crash

131

I told Rowley I knew for a fact that

Rodrick was going to cover all that stuff in week

four, and that got Rowley pretty excited.

I was just glad I wasn’t gonna have to take

drum lessons all by myself.

Rowley came over after school, and we went down

to the basement to start our first lesson. Rodrick

started us off with some pretty basic drum drills.

There was only one practice pad and two drum-
sticks,
so Rowley had to use a paper plate and

some plastic utensils. But I guess that’s what

happens when you’re the last person to sign up

for a class.

tappity

tap

tap

doink

132

After about fifteen minutes, Rodrick got a call from

Ward, and that put an end to our first lesson.

Mom wasn’t too happy to see me and Rowley

upstairs so soon, and she sent us back down to

the basement. She said not to come up until

Rodrick had at least given us a practice assignment.

So he did.

Class is

dismissed

early today.

Your homework

is to listen to

some music with

drums in it.

133

Tuesday

Me and Rowley had drum lessons with Rodrick

again today.

Well, Rodrick might be a good drummer, but he’s

not a good teacher. Me and Rowley tried our best

to do the drills Rodrick taught us, but every time

we messed up, Rodrick would get frustrated.

Eventually, he got so fed up that he took our

drumsticks away. Rodrick sat down at his drum

set and told us to “watch and learn.” Then he

started doing this really long drum solo that

didn’t have anything to do with the drills he

was teaching us.

Wrong

wrong

wrong!

oops.

tip

tappity

doink

134

Rodrick didn’t even look up from his drum set

when me and Rowley left and went upstairs.

I’m not complaining, though. Because the way I

see it, this way everyone wins.

Thursday

We’ve got a History paper due the day before

Thanksgiving, and I’d better start getting serious

about it.

crash

smash

ba-

dum

thump

bidi

bum

bop

whomp

ba-dum bum

crash bam

135

The teachers are getting a lot stricter about the

quality of work we turn in, and the way I usually

do things isn’t working so good anymore.

Last week we had a paper due in Science, and

Mrs. Breckman said we had to choose an animal

to write about. So I picked the moose. I know

I should have gone to the library and done

research, but I just decided to wing it.

The Amazing Moose

by Greg Heffley

Diet:

The moose eats many, many things, but

the list would be way too long to put in

this paper. So I will save us all some

time by just listing the things that the

moose does NOT eat.

BUBBLE GUM

METAL PIZZA

your

pizza, sir.

No, really...

I couldn't.

Even though there are moose habitats set up all

over the place, the moose is almost extinct.

Everybody knows the moose evolved from birds,

just like people did. But somewhere along the

line people got arms, and the moose got stuck

with those useless horns.

the end

But we smell a

heck of a lot

better than

antelopes.

I said

extinct!

oh.

yay!

rats.

I actually thought I did a pretty good job. But

I guess Mrs. Breckman must be an expert on

mooses or something, because she made me go to

the library and start the paper over from scratch.

And my next paper isn’t gonna be any easier.

I have to write a poem about the 1900s for

Mr. Huff’s class, and I don’t know the first

thing about History or poetry. So I guess I’d

better start hitting the books.

Monday

I was up at Rowley’s playing board games

yesterday, and the craziest thing happened.

When Rowley was in the bathroom, I noticed

that there was some play money sticking out of

the box of one of the other games.

138

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Because the play

money inside that game was the exact same

kind of money Mom uses for Mom Bucks.

When I counted it up, there was something like

$100,000 in cash in that box.

It only took me about two seconds to figure out

what to do next.

When I got home, I ran upstairs and stuffed

the money under my mattress. I tossed and

turned all night trying to figure out what to do

with my new Mom Bucks.

What

should we

play now?

Gotta

go!

139

I realized Mom would probably have some way of

knowing the difference between phony Mom Bucks

and the real thing. So this morning, I decided

to try a little experiment.

I asked Mom if I could cash in some Mom Bucks

so I could buy stamps to write my pen pal. I

was really nervous when I handed Mom the money.

But she took it without even blinking.

I can’t believe my luck! I figure I can make

this $100,000 last all the way through high

school, and maybe even farther. I might not

even have to get a real job later on.

The trick will be to not cash in too much at one

time, or Mom will know something’s up.

140

And I have to remember to earn a few Mom

Bucks for real here and there so she doesn’t get

too suspicious.

I will say one thing for sure, though, and it’s

that I won’t be using the money Mom gave me

to buy stamps.

I got a picture from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in

the mail yesterday, and that pretty much killed

any chance of me writing him back.

super

cool

141

Tuesday

My big History paper is due tomorrow, but

they’ve been saying all week that it’s gonna snow

about a foot tonight.

So I haven’t really been sweating it all that much.

At around 10:00, I peeked out the window to

see how many inches of snow were on the ground

so far. But I couldn’t believe my eyes when I

pulled back the curtain.

Man, I was counting on school being cancelled

tomorrow. I turned on the news to see what

happened, but the weather guy was telling a

totally different story than he was three

hours ago.

That meant I had to get cracking on my

History paper. The problem was, it was too late

to go to the library, and we don’t have any

books in our house that are about the 1900s.

So I knew I had to think of something quick.

Then I had a great idea.

We really

dodged a

bullet this

time, Bob!

You can say

that again,

Barbara!

Ha ha ha!

143

Dad has bailed Rodrick out a million times

on his school papers. So I figured he could help

me, too.

I told Dad about my situation, thinking he’d

jump right in and help. But I guess Dad has

learned his lesson in that department.

Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Dad,

because he told me I should follow him downstairs.

You know how Rodrick had Mr. Huff, my History

teacher, in middle school? Well, it turns out Mr.

Huff gave Rodrick’s class the exact same

assignment when he was in my grade.

Good luck

with that!

144

Rodrick dug around in his junk drawer and found

his old paper. And then he told me he’d sell it

to me for five bucks.

I told him there was no way I’d do that.

I’ll admit, it was pretty tempting. Because

number one, since all of Rodrick’s assignments

have gone through Dad, I knew Rodrick got a

good grade on his paper. And number two, it

was in one of those clear plastic binders that

teachers go crazy for.

Plus, I had a huge stash of Mom Bucks under

my mattress upstairs, and I knew I could pay

Rodrick with that.

145

But I couldn’t do it. I mean, I’ve copied off

of people’s papers on quizzes and stuff before,

but buying a paper off of someone would be

taking it to a whole nother level.

So I decided I was gonna just have to suck it

up and do the paper myself.

I started doing some research on the computer,

but at about midnight, the worst possible thing

happened: The power went out.

That’s when I knew I was in some serious trouble.

I knew I’d flunk History if I didn’t turn in a

paper. So even though I didn’t want to, I decided

to take Rodrick up on his offer.

pop

blink

146

I scraped together $500 in Mom Bucks and

went down to the basement. But Rodrick didn’t

let me off that easy.

Rodrick told me his new price was $20,000 in

Mom Bucks. I told him I didn’t have it, so he

just rolled over and went back to sleep.

At that point, I was really desperate. So I

went upstairs and grabbed a big handful of

thousand dollar bills and brought them down to

Rodrick’s room. I gave him the money, and he

turned over the paper. I felt really bad about

what I did, but I just tried not to think

about it and went to sleep.

My fee has

gone up.

147

Wednesday

On the bus ride to school, I took Rodrick’s paper

out of my bag. But I took one look at it and

knew something was seriously wrong.

First of all, the poem wasn’t typed out. It was

in Rodrick’s own handwriting.

That’s when it hit me: Dad only started doing

Rodrick’s papers for him once he got to high

school. So that meant this paper was Rodrick’s

own work.

I started reading Rodrick’s paper to see if I

could still use it. But apparently, Rodrick was

even worse about doing his research than me.

uh oh.

148

A hundred years ago

by Rodrick Heffley

Sometimes I sit and wonder

About stuff I don't know

Like what the heck the earth was like

a hundred years ago.

Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?

Did flowers even grow?

Well we could guess but that was back

A hundred years ago.

I wish they built a time machine

And they picked me to go

To check out what the scene was like

A hundred years ago.

Did giant spiders rule the earth?

Were deserts filled with snow?

I wonder what the story was

A hundred years ago.

See me!

I guess I learned my lesson about buying a

paper off someone. Or at least off of rodrick.

When third period rolled around, I didn’t have

anything to turn in to Mr. Huff. I guess that

means I’ ll be taking summer school for History.

And my day got a whole lot worse after that.

When I got home from school, Mom was waiting

for me at the front door.

You know that stack of bills I paid Rodrick

with? Well, he tried to cash them all in at

once to get money for a used motorcycle. I’m sure

Mom knew something was fishy, since Rodrick has

never earned a single Mom Buck on his own.

150

Rodrick told Mom where he got the money, and

she dug around my room until she found my stash

under the mattress. Mom knew she never put

$100,000 into circulation, so she confiscated all

my cash, even the ones I earned for real. I guess

that’s the end of the Mom Bucks program.

To be honest with you, I’m kind of relieved.

Sleeping on that pile of cash every night was

really stressing me out.

Mom was mad that I tried to put one over on

her like that, so she gave me a punishment. But

I got that out of the way before dinner.

Mom says we

have to clean

the whole

garage.

shoot.

151

Thursday

Today was Thanksgiving, and it started off like

it always does: with Aunt Loretta showing up

two hours early.

Mom always makes me and Rodrick “entertain”

Aunt Loretta, and that means talk to her until

the rest of the family shows up.

The biggest fights me and Rodrick have ever had

were over who has to greet her first.

152

The rest of the family started trickling in around

11:00. Dad’s brother, Uncle Joe, and his kids

were the last ones to show up around 12:30.

Uncle Joe’s kids all call Dad the same thing.

Mom thinks it’s really cute, but Dad swears that

Uncle Joe tells his kids to do it on purpose.

Things are pretty tense between Dad and Uncle

Joe, because Dad is still mad at Uncle Joe for

something he did last Thanksgiving. Back then,

Manny had just started potty training, and he

was doing pretty good. In fact, he was probably

about two weeks from being out of diapers.

Hi Aunt

Fwank!

153

But Uncle Joe said something to Manny that

changed everything.

It was six months before Manny would even step

foot in the bathroom again.

Every time Dad changed a dirty diaper after that,

I heard him cursing Uncle Joe under his breath.

We had dinner around 2:00, and then people

went into the living room to talk. I didn’t feel

like talking, so I went in the family room to play

video games.

Better look out for

the "potty monster,"

little fella!

154

Eventually, I guess Dad had enough of the

family, too, so he went downstairs to work on his

Civil War battlefield. But he forgot to lock the

door to the furnace room, and Uncle Joe walked

in after him.

Uncle Joe seemed pretty interested in what Dad

was working on, so Dad told him all about it.

Dad gave Uncle Joe this big speech about the

150th Regiment and the role it played at

Gettysburg, and spent about a half hour describing

the whole battle.

But I don’t think Uncle Joe was really listening

to Dad’s speech.

nice

toys,

big

brother!

155

Thanksgiving didn’t last too much longer after that.

Dad went upstairs and turned up the thermostat

until it got stuffy and everyone cleared out. And

that’s pretty much how Thanksgiving ends every

year at our house.

december

Saturday

You remember how I said Mom and Dad were

going to eventually find out about Rodrick’s

party? Well, it finally happened today.

Mom sent Dad out to pick up the pictures from

Thanksgiving, and when Dad got back, you could

tell he wasn’t happy about something.

156

The picture in Dad’s hand was from Rodrick’s party.

It looked like one of Rodrick’s friends accidentally

took a picture with Mom’s camera, which she keeps

on the shelf above the stereo. And when he took

the picture, it captured the whole scene.

157

Rodrick tried to deny that he had a party. But

everything was right there in the picture, so

there really wasn’t any point.

Mom and Dad took away Rodrick’s car keys and

told him his punishment is that he’s not allowed

to leave the house for a whole month.

They were even mad at me, because they said I

was Rodrick’s “accomplice.” So I got hit with a

two-week video game ban.

Sunday

Mom and Dad have been all over Rodrick’s case

ever since they found out about his party.

Rodrick usually sleeps until 2:00 in the afternoon

on weekends, but today Dad made Rodrick get

out of bed by 8:00 A.M.

Making Rodrick get out of bed early is a pretty

big blow to him, because Rodrick loves to

sleep. One time last fall, Rodrick slept for thirty-

six hours straight.

158

He slept all the way from Sunday night until

Tuesday morning, and he didn’t even realize he

missed a whole day of his life until Tuesday night.

But it looks like Rodrick has found a way around

the new 8:00 rule. Now, when Dad tells Rodrick

to get out of bed, Rodrick just drags his stuff

upstairs with him and he sleeps on the couch

until it’s time for dinner. So I guess you gotta

give this round to Rodrick.

Hey ... where's

Monday night

football?

159

Tuesday

Mom and Dad are going away again this weekend,

and they’re dropping me and Rodrick off at

Grandpa’s. They said they were gonna let us

stay home, but we proved we can’t be trusted on

our own.

Grandpa lives over in Leisure Towers, which is

this old folks’ home. I had to spend a week

there with Rodrick a few months ago, and it was

the low point of my whole summer.

Manny is staying with Gramma this weekend, and

I’d give anything to trade places with him.

Gramma always has her fridge stocked with soda

and cake and stuff like that, and she has cable

tv with all the movie channels.

160

The reason Manny is going to Gramma’s is because

Manny is Gramma’s favorite. And all you need to do

is take one look at her refrigerator for the proof.

But if anyone ever accuses Gramma of showing

favorites, she gets all defensive.

I love all my

grandchildren

the same.

161

And it’s not just the pictures on the fridge,

either. Gramma has Manny’s drawings and stuff

hanging up all over the house.

The only thing that Gramma has from me is

this note I wrote her when I was six. I was

mad at her because she wouldn’t give me any ice

cream before dinner, so here’s what I wrote:

Gramma has kept that note all these years, and

she’s still holding it over my head.

I hate

you Gram-

ma

And this is what my

wonderful grandson

Gregory made for me!

162

I guess every grandparent has their favorite,

and I can understand that. But at least

Grandpa is up front about it.

Saturday

Well, Mom and Dad dumped me and Rodrick off

at Grandpa’s today, just like they said they

were gonna do.

I started looking for ways to entertain myself,

but there’s nothing in Grandpa’s condo that’s

fun to do, so I just sat down with him and

watched tv. But Grandpa doesn’t even watch

real shows. He just keeps his tv tuned to the

security camera that’s in the front lobby of his

building.

Gregory

is my

favorite!

163

And after a few hours of that, you start to

go a little nuts.

At about 5:00, Grandpa made us dinner. Grandpa

makes this awful thing called “watercress salad,”

and it’s the worst thing you ever tasted.

It’s basically a bunch of cold green beans and

cucumbers floating in a pool of vinegar.

Oh, sure! Barry Grossman

has time to go out for a

three-hour walk, but he

doesn't have time to

return my vacuum!

164

Rodrick knows I hate watercress salad more than

anything, so the last time we stayed at

Grandpa’s, Rodrick made sure to pile it on my plate.

I had to sit there and choke down every bite so

Grandpa’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt.

And guess what I got as a reward for cleaning

my plate?

Greg loves

watercress

salad!

here

you go!

plop

165

Tonight, Grandpa gave us our salad, and I

acted like I was gonna eat it. But then I

just stuffed it all in my pocket when no one

was looking.

It felt pretty disgusting when the cold vinegar

started running down my leg, but believe me it

was about a thousand times better than having

to eat it.

After dinner, the three of us went into the living

room. Grandpa has all these really old board

games, and he always makes me and Rodrick play

them with him.

He has this one game called “Gutbusters,” where

one player reads a card, and the other player

tries not to laugh.

drip

166

I always beat Grandpa, mostly because the jokes

don’t make any sense to me.

I always beat Rodrick, too, but that’s because

Rodrick loses on purpose. Whenever it’s my turn

to read a card, he makes sure he has a big

mouthful of milk.

Putting economic

policy before fiscal

responsibility

is like putting

the cart before

the horse.

haw, haw,

haw!

bwahahaha!

167

At 10:00, I was ready for bed. But Rodrick

called the couch, and that meant I had to sleep

with Grandpa again.

All I can say is, if Mom and Dad were trying

to teach me a lesson for covering for Rodrick,

well, mission accomplished.

Sunday

Rodrick has a big Science Fair project due

right before Christmas break, and it looks like

Mom and Dad are making Rodrick do this one all

by himself.

Could you put

my teeth in

that glass?

168

Last year, Rodrick’s science project was called

“Does Watching Violent Movies Make People Think

Violent Thoughts?”

I guess the idea was to have people watch horror

movies and then draw pictures afterward to show

how the movies affected them.

But it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and

his friends to watch a bunch of horror movies on

school nights.

Rodrick’s friends got the movie-watching part

done, but they didn’t draw a single picture. And

the night before the Science Fair, Rodrick didn’t

have anything to show for himself.

Scream!

Chomp!

169

So me, Mom, and Dad had to bail Rodrick out. Dad

typed up the paper, Mom made the poster board

stuff, and I had to draw a bunch of pictures.

I did my best to imagine what teenagers would

draw after watching violent movies.

The thing that really stinks is that I

caught heat from Mom when she saw my drawings,

because she said they were “disturbing.” And

that’s why I was only allowed to watch G-rated

movies for the rest of the year.

But if you want to talk about “disturbing,” you

should’ve seen some of the stuff Manny was

coming up with those days.

170

One night, Rodrick accidentally left one of his

horror movies in the dvd player, and when

Manny went to turn on cartoons the next day,

he got Rodrick’s movie instead.

I came across a couple of Manny’s drawings

after that, and some of them were enough to

give me nightmares.

Scream!

Chomp!

171

Tuesday

Mom and Dad set up due dates for Rodrick on his

Science Fair project, and by 6:00 tonight, he was

supposed to tell them the theme of his experiment.

But at 6:45, things weren’t looking so good.

Rodrick was watching a show about astronauts,

and what happens to them after they’ve been up

in space for a long time. The show said that

when the astronauts get back to Earth, they’re

actually taller than when they left.

And the reason is because there’s no gravity in

space, so their spines decompress or something.

Well, that gave Rodrick the idea he was looking for.

172

Rodrick told Mom and Dad he was going to do

his science experiment on the effect of “zero

gravity” on the human spine. And from the way

Rodrick was talking it up, you’d think the results

of his experiment were gonna benefit mankind.

Dad seemed pretty impressed. Or maybe he was

just relieved that Rodrick actually came through on

his first task. But I think Dad started to see

things a little different later on when he told

Rodrick to take the trash out to the curb.

I can't. I'm

doing my

research.

173

Wednesday

Yesterday at school, they announced tryouts for

the big Winter Talent Show.

As soon as I found out about it, I came up

with this awesome idea for a comedy skit

that me and Rowley could do. But I admit the

real reason I wrote it was to give myself an

excuse to talk to Holly Hills, who is Heather Hills’s

sister and the most popular girl in my grade.

The boy whose

family thinks

he's a dog

look, honey!

our dog is

standing on

its hind legs!

I am a

person

not a

dog!

Hey, you're not

supposed to be

up on the couch,

you dumb mutt!

But I'm not

a dog, I'm

your son!

Don't you

growl at

me!

We're off on a

romantic vacation.

I guess we'll have

to put you in

the kennel!

But I want

to go

with you

guys!

Well,

woof

woof

woof to

you, too!

The End

I showed Rowley the script, but he wasn’t too

enthusiastic about the idea.

You’d think Rowley would be grateful that I

was gonna make him a big star. But like Mom

always says, there are some people you just

can’t please.

Credits

writer - Greg Heffley

Director - Greg Heffley

Dad - Greg Heffley

Mom - Holly Hills

Dog-boy - Rowley Jefferson

shove

176

Thursday

Rowley went and found someone else to partner

with for the Talent Show. He’s gonna do a magic

act with this kid from his karate class named

Scotty Douglas.

And if you want to know if I’m jealous, let me

put it to you this way: Scotty Douglas is in the

first grade. So Rowley will be lucky if he

doesn’t get beat up at school for this.

They’re having one big Talent Show for the

elementary school, the middle school, and the

high school. So that means Rodrick and his

band are gonna be in the same competition as

Rowley and Scotty Douglas.

Rodrick’s all fired up about the Talent Show.

His band has never played in front of a crowd,

so they see this as their big chance to get noticed.

177

Rodrick is still grounded, but the rule is that he’s

not allowed to leave the house. So his band just

comes over every day and practices down in the

basement. I think Dad’s starting to wish he had

worded Rodrick’s punishment a little differently.

But if Rodrick’s band really thinks they can win

this Talent Show, they better get serious and

play some actual music. Because they spent their

last two practices fooling around with a new echo

pedal they got over the weekend.

Ba-dum bum

crash bam

somebody

farted farted

farted farted

farted

178

Friday

Dad ended Rodrick’s punishment two weeks early,

because he was going bonkers listening to Löded

Diper practice every day. So tonight, Rodrick

went to his friend Ward’s for the weekend.

With Rodrick out of the house, that meant the

basement was free. So I invited Rowley over to

spend the night.

Me and Rowley bought a bunch of candy and

soda, and Rowley brought over his portable tv.

We even managed to get our hands on a couple of

Rodrick’s horror movies, so we were all set. But

then Mom came downstairs with Manny.

look who

came to

join

you!

179

The only reason Mom dumped Manny on us was

so he could spy and tell her if we were doing

anything wrong.

Every single time I’ve had a sleepover, Manny

has ruined it. The last time Rowley slept over

was the worst.

Manny must’ve gotten cold in the middle of the

night, so he crawled into Rowley’s sleeping bag

to get warm.

That freaked Rowley out enough to make him go

home early. And he hasn’t been back to spend

the night ever since.

scream

180

It looked like Manny was gonna ruin another

sleepover. Me and Rowley couldn’t watch our horror

movies with Manny around, so we decided to just

play board games instead.

But I’m a little sick of board games, and

besides, Rowley was kind of driving me crazy.

He needed to go to the bathroom every five

minutes, and whenever he’d come back downstairs,

he’d kick a pillow across the room.

It might have been funny the first couple of times,

but then it really started getting on my nerves. So

the next time Rowley went upstairs to use the

bathroom, I played a prank on him.

booh-yah!

kick

181

I put one of Dad’s dumbbells underneath a pillow.

And sure enough, the next time Rowley came

downstairs, he gave it a big kick.

Well, that did it. Rowley started blubbering like

a baby, and I couldn’t quiet him down.

And with all the racket Rowley was making, Mom

came downstairs.

Mom took a look at Rowley’s big toe, and she

seemed pretty concerned. I think Mom’s

sensitive about Rowley getting injured in our

house after the tinfoil ball incident, so she

drove him right home.

I was just glad she didn’t ask us how it happened.

182

As soon as Mom and Rowley walked out the door,

I knew I’d better start working on Manny.

Manny saw me put that dumbbell under the pillow,

and I knew he would tell Mom what I did. So I

came up with an idea to keep him from snitching.

I packed some bags and told Manny I was

gonna run away from home so I didn’t have to

face Mom for what I did.

Then I walked out the door and acted like I

was leaving for good.

Good-bye,

oh, family.

good-bye

good-bye

good-bye!

183

I got that idea from Rodrick. He used to pull

the same kind of thing on me when he did

something bad and he knew I was gonna tell on

him. He would act like he was running away,

and then five minutes later, he would just walk

back inside.

And by that time, I was ready to forgive him

for whatever he did.

So after I told Manny I was leaving home, I

shut the door and waited outside for a few minutes.

And when I opened the door, I expected to find

him crying in the foyer. But Manny wasn’t where

I left him. I started walking around the house

looking for him, and guess where he was?

184

Down in the basement, eating my candy.

Anyway, if letting Manny eat my candy is the

price I have to pay to keep him quiet, I can live

with it.

Saturday

After I woke up this morning, I went down to

the kitchen. But one look at Mom’s face told me

that Manny sold me out.

gobble

smack

185

Manny told Mom everything. He even told her

about our horror movies. Don’t even ask me how

he knew about that.

Mom made me call Rowley to apologize, but then

she made me talk to his parents and apologize to

them, too. So I don’t think I’m going to get

invited back over to Rowley’s house any time soon.

Then Mom got on the phone with Mrs. Jefferson.

Mrs. Jefferson said Rowley’s big toe was broken,

and that he had to stay off it for a week.

Then Mrs. Jefferson said Rowley is “heartbroken,”

because this means he’ ll have to miss the Talent

Show tryouts. And he’s been practicing his magic

act with Scotty Douglas all week.

186

So Mom told Mrs. Jefferson that I would be

happy to fill in for Rowley at the tryouts. I

started tugging at Mom’s sleeve to let her know

this was a terrible idea, but of course she

just ignored me.

After Mom got off the phone, I told her the

last thing I needed at school is to be onstage

doing magic tricks with a kid who was in pull-ups

a year ago.

But Mom made me go through with it anyway.

She took me down to Scotty’s house and

explained the situation to his mother. So now

there was no getting out of it.

187

Mrs. Douglas invited me inside, and me and

Scotty went up to his room to start practicing.

Well, the first thing I found out was that

Rowley and Scotty were not equal partners in this

act. Rowley was actually Scotty’s assistant.

I told Scotty there was no way I was gonna

be a magician’s assistant to a first-grader. But

Scotty said it was his magic set, and he started

throwing a big tantrum.

So I just went along with the idea to keep

Scotty quiet, because believe me, I did not need

any more trouble.

Then Scotty handed me this shirt that was covered

with all these sparkly sequins, and he told me

that it was my costume.

188

It looked like something Gramma would wear to

Bingo. I told Scotty maybe I could wear something

cooler, like a leather jacket, but he said that

wouldn’t be “magic” enough.

Anyway, it turns out all I have to do for the

act is hand Scotty a prop every once in a while,

so maybe it really isn’t going to be all that bad.

But ask me how I feel again if we get in and

have to perform onstage in front of five hundred

people instead of Scotty’s baby sister.

Sunday

I’ll tell you one good thing that’s come out of

practicing this magic act with Scotty Douglas:

It’s given me a bunch of good ideas for more

Creighton the Cretin comics.

And for my

next twick

189

Rowley quit doing his comic strip “Zoo-Wee

Mama!” for the school paper a few months ago,

because he said he wanted to have more time to

play with his Dinoblazer action figures. That

means the cartoonist job is open again, and

maybe I have a shot.

I'm gonna make this

apple disappear

oh

boy!

ta da!

You didn't

make it

disappear, you

just ate it!

uh oh, you

figured out

my trick.

You didn't

even eat the

whole thing!

Ok, watch this,

Now ain't

that

magic

flick

That's not

magic, it's

just a

lighter!

Oops. I

thought it

was magic.

Boo! You're

not a

magician,

you're an

idiot!

Plus, that's

not even a

magician's

hat. It's an

Abraham

Lincoln

hat!

Oops.

The

End.

190

Monday

Well, good news on the Talent Show. The tryouts

were today, and me and Scotty didn’t make it in.

OK, so maybe I could have done a better job as

Scotty’s assistant. But I didn’t blow it on

purpose. I just forgot to hand him his

props once or twice.

We were the only ones who didn’t make the

cut, and that actually is kind of embarrassing.

I know we weren’t exactly the best act trying

out today, but we weren’t the worst, either.

Some of the acts that got in were a lot lamer

than our magic act.

191

This kindergartner named Harry Gilbertson made

the cut, and all he did was roller-skate figure

eights around a boom box that was playing

“Yankee Doodle Dandy.”

Rodrick’s band made it in, too, and he’s acting

like that’s some huge accomplishment.

Like I said before, Rodrick is really excited

about the Winter Talent Show. In fact, he

actually got his Science Fair project done a day

early so he could squeeze in some extra band

practices before the big night.

But when Rodrick turned in his project, his

Science teacher told him he was gonna have to

start over and come up with a whole new idea. He

said that Rodrick didn’t use the “scientific method”

with a hypothesis and a conclusion and all that.

192

Rodrick told the teacher he actually grew a

sixteenth of an inch during his “zero gravity”

experiment, so that proved he was on to something.

But his teacher said that’s a normal amount for a

boy Rodrick’s age to grow in a month.

Well, this really stinks for me, because I had decided

to do my Science Fair project on “zero gravity,” too.

And now it looks like all the research I did was

just a big waste of time.

193

Dad told Rodrick he’s going to have to just skip

the Talent Show so he can do a new experiment,

but Rodrick says he’s not going to do it.

Rodrick told Dad he doesn’t care about school

anymore. He said his plan is to win the talent

show and use the tape of the performance to

get signed to a record label. Then he’ll quit

school and just do the band full-time.

It sounds like a terrible plan to me, but I

think Dad is pretty open to the idea.

194

Wednesday

Tonight was the big Winter Talent Show. I didn’t

want to go, and neither did Dad. But Mom made

us both go to show our support for Rodrick.

Rodrick and Mom went to the school early to

bring some stuff that Rodrick’s band needed, so

Dad had to ride in the band’s van with Bill. And

Dad wasn’t too thrilled when he ran into his boss

in the school parking lot.

The show kicked off at 7:00, and let me just

say, I think it was a really bad idea to combine

the three schools for this thing.

Hiya,

Frank!

195

They ended up having kindergartners singing

songs to their teddy bears followed by eighteen-

year-olds doing speed metal guitar solos.

I don’t think Dad approved of Larry Larkin

and all his piercings. Halfway through Larry’s

guitar solo, Dad leaned over and whispered to

the man sitting next to him.

And now for

Larry Larkin's

performance of

"carnage."

scoot

scoot

What's the worst

thing that kid up

there could say

to you?

What?

196

I wish I had time to warn Dad that the guy

he was talking to was Larry’s father.

Another problem with combining the schools was

that there were too many acts, and the show

went on forever.

At 9:30 they decided to start running two acts

at the same time to keep the show moving along.

Sometimes it worked out all right, like when they

had Patty Farrell tap-dancing while Spencer Kitt

was juggling. But other times it didn’t work out

too good, like when Terrence James played a

harmonica on a unicycle while Charise Kline read

her poem about global warming.

Rodrick’s band was the last act to take the stage.

"Hi, Dad!"

197

Before the show, Rodrick asked me to videotape his

band during their act, but I told him no way.

He’s been such a jerk to me lately that I can’t

believe he was trying to hit me up for a favor. So

Mom volunteered for camera duty.

Rodrick’s band got paired up with Harry Gilbertson,

the roller-skating kid. And I’m sure Rodrick wasn’t

too happy about that.

I noticed Dad wasn’t sitting next to me while

Rodrick’s band played, so I looked around for him.

Who's ready to

rrrrrocccckkkkk?

I am!

198

Dad was standing in the back of the gym with

cotton balls sticking out of his ears, and he stayed

there until the song was over.

After Rodrick’s band performed, they handed out

the awards. Rodrick’s band didn’t win anything,

but Harry Gilbertson walked away with the prize

for “Best Musical Act.”

199

But you’ll never guess who the Grand Prize Winner

was: Rowley’s babysitter, Leland.

He won for his ventriloquist act, because the judges

said it was “wholesome.”

I never thought I’d agree with Rodrick on

anything, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe

he was right about Leland being a nerd after all.

After the show, Rodrick’s band came back to our

house to watch the videotape of their performance.

They were all grumbling about how they got

“robbed,” and how the judges don’t know the first

thing about rock and roll.

Hey, who's

the dummy

here?

200

So their plan was to just mail the videotape off

to some record labels and let their performance

speak for itself.

They all sat down in front of the tv and

Rodrick put the tape in the machine. But it took

about thirty seconds for everyone to realize the

tape was worthless.

You know how Rodrick asked Mom to videotape the

show? Well, she did a pretty good job of filming, but

she talked nonstop during the first two minutes. And

the camera picked up every little comment she made.

That shirt makes

Rodrick's arms look

so skinny!

201

Every time Bill stuck out his tongue and flicked it

up and down like a rock star, you could hear Mom

ring in with her opinion.

In fact, the only time Mom stopped talking was

when Rodrick did his drum solo. But during that

part, the camera was shaking around so much that

you couldn’t even see anything.

At first, Rodrick and his bandmates were really

mad. But then one of them remembered that the

school taped the Talent Show, and it’s supposed to

be on the local cable channel tomorrow night.

I guess that means they’ll all be coming back over

to watch that.

I don't

like that!

202

Thursday

Well, things have gotten really bad for me in

the last few hours.

Rodrick and his bandmates came over around 7:00

tonight to watch the Talent Show on tv. They

sat through the whole three-hour show until their

band came on.

The school actually did a decent job of taping the

performance, and things were looking pretty good

up until Rodrick’s drum solo.

That’s when Mom started dancing. And whoever was

doing the filming zoomed right in on Mom, and kept

the camera pointed at her for the rest of the song.

snap

snap

203

That meant Rodrick didn’t have anything he

could send to record companies. And he was really

mad about it, too.

At first he was mad at Mom for messing things up.

But Mom said that if Rodrick didn’t want people to

dance, he shouldn’t play music.

Then Rodrick turned on me. He said this was all

my fault, because if I just taped the show like he

asked me to, none of this would’ve happened.

But I told him that maybe if he wasn’t such a

jerk, I would have done it for him.

We started to yell at each other. Mom and Dad

broke us up, and then they sent Rodrick down to

his room and me up to mine.

204

But a couple of hours later I went downstairs,

and I ran into Rodrick in the kitchen. He was

smiling, so I knew something was up.

Rodrick told me my “secret was out.”

At first, I didn’t know what he was talking

about. But then I got it: He was talking about

the thing that happened to me this summer.

I ran down to the basement, and I picked up

Rodrick’s phone to see if he had made any

calls. And sure enough, it looked like he had

called every friend of his who had a brother

or sister my age.

By tomorrow morning, everyone at my

school will know the story. And I’m sure Rodrick

exaggerated the facts to make the story sound

even worse.

205

Now that my secret’s out there, I want to put

on record what really happened, and not

Rodrick’s twisted version.

So here it goes.

Over the summer, me and Rodrick had to stay

with Grandpa at his condo in Leisure Towers for

a few days. But there was nothing to do,

and I was going bonkers.

I was so bored, I broke out my old journal and

started to write in it. But taking out a book

that said “diary” on the cover in front of

Rodrick was a huge mistake.

ha!

swipe

206

Rodrick stole my journal and made a run for it.

He probably would have made it into the bathroom

and locked the door if someone hadn’t left

Gutbusters sitting out.

I scooped the book off the floor and ran out

into the hallway and down the stairwell. Then,

I ducked into the bathroom in the main lobby

and locked myself in a stall.

I kept my feet off the floor so that if Rodrick

came in, he wouldn’t know I was in there.

I knew that if Rodrick got ahold of my journal, it

would be a nightmare. So I decided to just rip the

whole thing into tiny little pieces and flush them

down the toilet. It was better to just destroy the

thing than risk Rodrick getting his hands on it.

GAAAH!

trip

207

But as soon as I started ripping pages out of the

book, I heard the bathroom door open. I thought

it was Rodrick, so I just stayed completely still.

I didn’t hear anything, so I peeked over the top

of the stall to see what was going on. That’s when

I saw a woman standing in front of the mirror,

putting on makeup.

I figured the lady just accidentally wandered into

the men’s room, because people at Leisure Towers are

always doing stuff like that.

208

I was about to speak up and tell this lady she

was in the wrong bathroom, but right then

someone else walked in. And guess what? It was

another woman.

That’s when I realized that I was the one who

messed up, and I was in the women’s bathroom.

I prayed that those ladies would just wash their

hands and leave so I could make a run for it.

But they sat down in the stalls on either side of me.

And every time one woman would leave the bathroom,

someone else would come in and take their place.

So I couldn’t leave.

209

If Rowley thinks he had it bad when those kids

made him eat the Cheese, he should try being

stuck in the Leisure Towers ladies’ room for an

hour and a half.

I guess someone eventually heard me in there, and

they reported me to the front desk. Within a few

minutes, word got around the building that there

was a “Peeping Tom” in the women’s room.

By the time security came in and got me out of

there, everyone who lived in Leisure Towers was

down in the lobby. And Rodrick saw the whole

thing unfold upstairs on Grandpa’s tv.

210

Now that the story was out, I knew I couldn’t

show my face at school. So I told Mom she was

gonna have to transfer me somewhere else, and

I told her why.

Mom said I shouldn’t worry about what other

people think. She told me that my classmates

would understand that I had just made an

“honest mistake.”

So that just proves once and for all that Mom

doesn’t understand a thing about kids my age.

Now I’m kicking myself for not keeping up my

pen-pal relationship with Mamadou. Because if me

and him had stayed in touch, maybe I could have

gone to France as an exchange student and hid

out there for a few years.

211

All I know is, the one place I don’t want to

go tomorrow is school. And it looks like that’s

exactly where I’m headed.

Friday

The craziest thing happened today. When I

walked in the door at school, a bunch of guys cornered

me, and I braced myself for the teasing to start.

But instead of harassing me, they started

congratulating me.

comment

allez-

vous?

yeah,

whatever!

Everyone was shaking my hand and patting me on

the back, and I didn’t know what was going on.

With all those guys talking to me at the same

time, it took me a while to make sense of anything.

But here’s what must have happened.

The story Rodrick told his friends got passed on

to their brothers and sisters, and then they

told their friends.

But by the time word spread around, all the

details got totally messed up.

So the story went from me accidentally walking

into the women’s bathroom at Leisure Towers to

me infiltrating the girls’ locker room at Crossland

high school.

213

I couldn’t believe everything got twisted like

that, but I wasn’t about to set the record

straight, either.

All of the sudden, I was the hero at school. I

even got a nickname. People were calling me the

“Stealthinator.”

Someone even made me a Stealthinator headband,

and you better believe I wore it. Things like this

never happen to me, so I wasn’t gonna pass

up my moment of glory.

snap

214

And for the first time ever, I knew what it

felt like to be the most popular kid at school.

Unfortunately, the girls weren’t as impressed

with me as the guys were. In fact, I think I

might have a little trouble getting someone to go

to the Valentine’s Dance with me.

smack

you're

disgusting!

215

Monday

You know how Rodrick wanted his band to get

noticed? Well, he kind of got his wish, because

everybody knows who Löded Diper is now.

I guess somebody must have thought the tape of

Mom cutting loose at the Talent Show was pretty

funny, because it’s all over the Internet. And

now everyone knows Rodrick Heffley as the drummer

from the “Dancing Mom” video.

Ever since, Rodrick’s been hiding out in the

basement, waiting for the whole thing to blow

over. And I have to admit, I do feel kind of

sorry for him.

I’m getting teased about the video at school,

too, but at least I’m not in it.

216

And even though Rodrick can be a huge jerk

sometimes, he is my brother.

Tomorrow is the Science Fair, and if Rodrick doesn’t

turn in a project, he’s gonna flunk out of school.

So that’s why I offered to help him out with his

project, but just this one last time. We worked

together all night, and I don’t mean to brag,

but we did a really good job.

Anyway, when Rodrick gets First Prize tomorrow

and passes Science, I just hope he realizes how

lucky he is to have a brother like me.

Do plants sneeze?

hypothesis

experiment

conclusion

plants

probably

sneeze.

feathers

pepper

feet

Plants

don't

sneeze.