Hard Luck

The Long Haul

Old School

Double Down

The Getaway

The Meltdown

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The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary: The Next Chapter

THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID SERIES

MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID BOOKS

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Rodrick Rules

The Last Straw

Dog Days

The Ugly Truth

Cabin Fever

The Third Wheel

by Jeff Kinney

AMULET BOOKS

New York

DIARY

PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and

incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously,

and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments,

events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may

be obtained from the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2743-6
eISBN: 978-1-68335-387-4

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2018 Wimpy Kid, Inc.

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™

are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc., and the design of this book’s jacket

is trade dress of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.

Book design by Jeff Kinney

Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

Published in 2018 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS.

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ABRAMS The Art of Books
195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007
abramsbooks.com

to DEB

january

Monday

Everybody in my neighborhood is outside today

enjoying the warm weather and sunshine. Well,

everyone except ME. It’s kind of hard to enjoy a

heat wave when it’s the middle of the WINTER.

People are calling this “wacky weather,” but it

just doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’m old-fashioned,

but I think it should be cold in the winter and

hot in the SUMMER.

I’ve heard the whole PLANET is warming up, and

that human beings are the reason. But don’t blame

ME, because I just GOT here.

2

If the world IS getting hotter, I just hope it

doesn’t happen too FAST. Because if things keep up

at THIS rate, I’ll be riding a camel to high school.

They say the ice caps are melting and the sea is

rising, so I’ve been trying to convince Mom and

Dad to buy a house higher up on our hill. But

they just don’t seem all that concerned.

3

It kind of makes me nervous that I’m the only

one in my family worried about this stuff. Because

if we don’t do something about the situation

SOON, we’re gonna wish we DID.

It’s not just the rising sea levels I’m nervous

about. Those ice caps have been around for millions

of years, and there could be things buried inside

of them that should STAY that way.

4

I saw a movie about a caveman who got frozen in

ice, and when it melted thousands of years later

he was still ALIVE. I don’t know if that kind

of thing could actually happen in real life, but if

there ARE unfrozen cavemen walking around these

days, the night janitor at my school might be one

of them.

If we DO figure a way out of this climate

mess, it’s probably gonna be someone from MY

generation who solves it. That’s why I’m always

nice to the SMART kids, because THEY’RE

the

ones who are gonna save our butts.

5

Whatever the answer is, I guarantee you

TECHNOLOGY is gonna be the key.

Grown-ups are always saying that too much

technology is BAD for kids, but I say the more

the BETTER.

In fact, as soon as I can afford one of those

high-tech toilets that learns all your habits, I’m

gonna get the most expensive model.

Some people worry that one day we’ll lose control of

our technology and robots will take OVER.

Well, if that happens, I’m gonna make sure I’m

on THEIR side.

6

I’ve actually been PREPARING for when the

robots take over by sucking up to the appliances

in my house.

So when there’s a giant robot

/

human war in the

future, I’ll be patting myself on the back for

thinking ahead.

7

My brother Rodrick says that in the future,

people will have robot body parts, and we’ll all be

CYBORGS.

Well, I hope I don’t have to wait too long for

that, because if I could buy myself a pair of

robot legs, I could get a half hour of extra sleep

each morning.

I guess we don’t really know what’s gonna happen

in the future. And you could drive yourself CRAZY

worrying about it.

Even if we solve all the problems we have right

now, some NEW thing will come along, and then

we’ll have to deal with THAT.

8

I’ve read that’s what happened with the

DINOSAURS. They were riding high for

a couple hundred million years, and then an

asteroid came and wiped them out.

What’s really crazy is that cockroaches were around

back then, and somehow THEY survived. And

they’ll probably be here long after we’re gone, too.

Personally, I think cockroaches are disgusting. But

they must be doing SOMETHING right.

9

Speaking of SURVIVAL, right now, I’m just

trying to get through middle school. And the last

few days haven’t been all that great.

Even though it’s warm outside, the thermostat at

school still thinks it’s WINTER. So the furnace

is on full blast all day, which makes it hard to

concentrate in class.

And it’s worse in the CAFETERIA, because there

aren’t any windows you can open to get fresh air.

10

The heat has been frying my brain, and I’ve been

forgetting when my school assignments are due.

I forgot a really BIG one today, which was my

country project for the International Showcase.

Back in November, everyone had to choose a

country to do a report on. I picked Italy,

because I’m a HUGE pizza fan.

But it turns out Italy was a really popular

choice, so my Social Studies teacher had to do a

random drawing to decide who got it. And she

chose Dennis Tracton, which isn’t fair because he’s

lactose intolerant and can’t even eat cheese.

So the teacher assigned me Malta, which I didn’t

even know was a country.

11

Anyway, that was two months back, and I didn’t

give my country project a second thought until

TODAY. And the only reason I remembered

was because when I got to school, everybody was

wearing weird clothes.

I probably should’ve realized it was International

Showcase day when my friend Rowley came by to

get me for school wearing a crazy getup. But he’s

ALWAYS doing strange stuff, so I barely even

noticed.

12

In homeroom, I took a look at Rowley’s project

to see how much work was involved, and that’s

when I started to panic.

His report looked like it took a TON of time, and

it was pretty obvious his parents helped him with

it. Of course Rowley had actually BEEN to the

country he got assigned, so I’m sure that made it

a lot EASIER for him.

I asked Rowley to be a pal and switch countries

with me, but he’s kind of selfish, so he wouldn’t

go for it. That meant I was on my own, and I

only had a few hours to do my whole project from

SCRATCH. And I didn’t know WHERE I was

gonna find a tri-fold this late in the game.

13

That’s when I remembered that I had a tri-fold in

my LOCKER. I had started my country project

the day after it was assigned so I could get ahead

of things for once. But when I pulled it out to see

how FAR I’d gotten, I was pretty disappointed.

This project was 50% of my Social Studies grade,

so I was pretty desperate. I tried getting help

from my CLASSMATES, but all THAT did was

remind me I need to get some smarter friends.

14

I stayed indoors for recess to work on my

project. I didn’t have time to go down to the

library for research, so I had to do a lot of

GUESSING. The only thing I felt pretty sure

about was that Malta was near Russia, but I was

pretty shaky on everything ELSE.

Once I finished filling out my tri-fold, I started

working on the OTHER stuff.

We were supposed to wear our country’s “traditional

dress” for the International Showcase, so on the

way to lunch I picked out some clothes from the

Lost and Found in front of the principal’s office.

15

Luckily, there were a few decent items in the

box, and I put together an outfit that looked

pretty convincing.

Everyone was supposed to bring in a traditional

MEAL, too. At lunch, I bought as many items as

I could afford, and threw something together that

seemed like it might’ve come from another country.

16

The International Showcase was during the last

period, and when I set up my project in the gym,

I was actually feeling pretty good about things.

But I wish I’d gotten assigned a country where

they wore lighter clothes, because the furnace was

still on full blast.

The heat was getting to some OTHER kids, too,

and tempers were starting to flare. At one point,

Brazil and Bulgaria got in a fight over table

space, and a teacher had to come break it up.

17

Kids came in from the elementary school to check

out our projects and ask questions. But all I had

to do to get them to move along was to pretend

I only spoke Maltese.

After that, the PARENTS started to arrive.

Luckily, MINE couldn’t come, because Dad was

at work and Mom was at her college. But some

kid in my grade has a mom and dad who are

actually FROM Malta, which was really bad luck

for ME.

18

I thought they were gonna report me to my

teacher, and I was ready to make a run for it.

But then something happened that got me off

the hook.

The fight that started between Brazil and

Bulgaria flared back up and spilled over to the

“C” and “D” countries. And before long, the

whole GYM was at war.

Luckily the bell rang, and school got dismissed before

anyone got seriously hurt. But the whole situation

doesn’t exactly give me a lot of hope for world peace.

19

Tuesday

Well, I THOUGHT I was in the clear, but I

was wrong. My Social Studies teacher sent a note

home to my parents that said I have to do my

International Showcase project AGAIN.

So Mom said I can’t watch TV or play video

games until I finish. I figure I can probably get

this thing done by Saturday, but it won’t matter

anyway. That’s because Mom is making me and my

brothers have “Screen-Free Weekends.”

Mom thinks us kids are addicted to electronics,

and they’re the reason we misbehave. So she

started this new policy where we’re not allowed to

use any electronics on Saturdays and Sundays, and

we have to find other ways to entertain ourselves.

20

What really stinks is that when Mom catches us

BEHAVING on the weekends, she thinks it’s

PROOF that Screen-Free Weekends are working.

So lately, me and Rodrick have been remembering to

MISBEHAVE on Saturdays and Sundays so Mom

doesn’t think her no-electronics policy is working.

And MANNY joins in, too, because I guess he

likes to do whatever his big brothers are doing.

21

Mom says kids these days don’t know how to

interact with one another, because we’re always

staring at our screens. So she’s been working with

me and Rodrick on our “social skills.”

One thing Mom’s always trying to get me to do is

to look her in the eye when I’m talking to her.

I can do that for a LITTLE while, but after a

few seconds it just gets too weird.

The latest thing Mom’s been making me do is

practice shaking hands with Dad. But that’s

awkward for BOTH of us.

22

Mom wants me to “branch out” and make more

friends in the neighborhood. But I’m already

friends with ROWLEY, and he’s all I can really

handle right now.

Even though there are a ton of kids on my

street, I really can’t see being friends with any

of them. I ALREADY feel like I’m making an

exception for Rowley, and the options go downhill

from there.

Our house is halfway up Surrey Street, and

Rowley’s house is near the top. Sometimes it’s a pain

to even go see HIM, because I have to pass by

FREGLEY’S house to do it. And nine times out of

ten, Fregley is hanging out in his front yard.

23

Across the street from Fregley is Jacob Hoff, but

he almost never comes outside because his parents

are always making him practice the clarinet. And

on either side of Jacob are Ernesto Gutierrez and

Gabriel Johns, who are in my grade.

Ernesto and Gabriel are nice kids and all, but

they BOTH have bad breath, so those two are

perfect for each other.

24

Two doors down from me is David Marsh, who’s

really into karate. He’s best friends with Joseph

O’Rourke, who’s always doing something to get

himself injured.

Next door to Joseph is Mitchell Pickett, who makes

a killing selling premade snowballs in the winter.

And mark my words, one day that kid’s gonna be

a MILLIONAIRE.

25

Mitchell lives next to a boy one year younger than

me who everybody calls Speed Bump. But people

steer clear of him because his two older brothers

are already in jail.

There’s a kid named Pervis Gentry who has a tree

house in his backyard, and he spends his summers

solving neighborhood crimes. But most of the time

the person responsible is Speed Bump.

26

There’s a duplex three-quarters of the way down

the hill, and the two families who live in it HATE

each other.

I can never keep the kids in that house straight,

but I know one of them is named Gino because he

has a tattoo on his arm, even though he’s only

something like seven years old.

There’s a boy who lives with his grandmother a few

doors down, and his name is Gibson.

27

Everyone calls him Baby Gibson, because no matter

how much time goes by he never seems to get any

OLDER. For all I know, Baby Gibson is thirty-

two years old and he’s got kids of his OWN.

There’s a playgroup of preschoolers that gets

together twice a week at Mrs. Jimenez’s house. I

don’t know which kids are HERS and which ones

are her FRIENDS’. What I DO know is that

those kids are totally out of control, and the

moms don’t really seem to care.

28

There are some older kids on our street, too.

Anthony Denard is a sophomore in high school,

and he just started shaving. But he got carried

away with the razor blade and accidentally shaved

off one of his eyebrows.

Anthony drew it back on with a brown marker,

but he didn’t do a good job, and now one half of

his face always looks surprised.

Anthony’s best friend is Sheldon Reyes, who tried

to make money plowing the neighbors’ driveways

the first time it snowed this winter.

But Sheldon doesn’t have his license yet, and he

did a lot of damage in our neighborhood before his

dad found out his son was using his truck.

29

A few doors down from me are the Garza twins,

Jeremy and Jameson, who made up their own

language when they were toddlers. And when

those two are together, no one can understand a

word they say.

There are a bunch of GIRLS on my street, too,

but they’re just as bad as the GUYS.

30

The Marlee sisters live across from Rowley’s house,

and all five of them were born within a few years

of each other. I don’t know what their deal is,

but those girls will just randomly attack people

who come into their yard.

Emilia Greenwall lives a few doors down from the

Marlee sisters. Emilia always dresses like a princess,

and I think she’s seen too many Disney movies.

31

Latricia Hooks lives in the one-story house across

from the duplex, and she’s a six-foot-two high

school junior. Rodrick won’t go anywhere NEAR

Latricia, because she used to bully him when he was

MY age.

Latricia’s sister Victoria is in love with Ernesto

Gutierrez for some reason, and Victoria’s best

friend, Evelyn Trimble, dresses like a vampire.

In fact, I’m pretty sure Evelyn thinks she IS a

vampire, which is one reason I’m glad I don’t ride

the bus anymore.

32

I haven’t even mentioned HALF the kids who live

on my hill. But if I went down the whole list, it’d

take FOREVER.

Mom always asks me why I’m not friends with any

kids at the BOTTOM of the hill, even though

I’ve told her a million times why that’ll never

HAPPEN.

Surrey Street is divided into two halves. There’s

UPPER Surrey Street, which is the hill, and

LOWER Surrey Street, which is the flat part at

the bottom.

And even though we all live on the same street,

the hill kids and the non-hill kids can’t STAND

one another.

33

Living on the hill is no fun. First of all, it’s really

far from the school, and that last stretch at the

end of the day is no joke. ESPECIALLY when

it’s hot like it has been lately.

The worst thing about living on a hill is that there’s

not a lot you can DO on it. And if you want to

play with a ball, you can forget about it.

34

But the kids who live at the BOTTOM of the hill

have it MADE. Their part of the street is FLAT,

so they can do anything they want down there.

That’s why all the athletes come from LOWER

Surrey Street.

The thing is, the kids who live at the bottom of

our street think they OWN it. And if any of us

hill people come down there to PLAY, the Lower

Surrey Street kids won’t LET us.

35

In fact, the reason it took me four years to

learn to ride a bike was because I had to do it

in five-second spurts.

But when it SNOWS, the tables are turned. All

of a sudden the Lower Surrey Street kids want to

use our hill for SLEDDING, but that’s when we

give those guys a taste of their own medicine.

Most of the time we can keep the Lower Surrey

Street kids off the hill. But they’re SNEAKY,

and sometimes they slip past us.

Last winter, a bunch of the Lower Surrey

Street kids bought the same winter gear as the

hill kids, and it was WEEKS before any of us

caught on.

37

If you live on Surrey Street, you’re either a

HILL kid or a NON-hill kid, and there’s no

switching sides.

There’s a kid named Trevor Nix who lived on the hill

until last summer, which is when his family moved to

a bigger house at the bottom of the street.

But the kids down there still consider Trevor a

HILL person, so they won’t let him play on the

street. Us hill kids think of him as a traitor for

moving, and we won’t let him sled in the winter.

So now Trevor is basically stuck indoors year-round.

38

There’s a lot of bad blood between the Upper

Surrey Street kids and the Lower Surrey Street

kids, which is why we can’t be friends. But

whenever I try to explain the situation to Mom,

she just doesn’t get it.

In fact, NONE of the moms on our street do.

They’re all friends with each other, and they have

no CLUE about what’s REALLY going on.

Lately, though, things have been pretty calm on

our street. Us hill kids keep to OUR side, and the

other guys keep to THEIRS. But if someone does

something stupid, this whole place is gonna BLOW.

39

Sunday

The temperature dropped about fifteen degrees

over the weekend, so today my family was out

looking for our pet pig.

For Christmas vacation, my family went away and

we left the pig in a kennel. But I guess the pig

thought it should’ve come WITH us, and it wasn’t

too happy about being left behind.

40

When we got back HOME, the pig let us know

how it felt about not being included on our family

vacation.

After a few days of the pig acting out, Dad

decided enough was enough, and he sent it to

“obedience school.” But the next morning we got

a call from the lady who runs the place, and she

said our pig ESCAPED.

41

We’ve been putting up signs asking for help

finding our lost pig ever since. But that thing is

SMART, so I don’t think it’s LOST. It just

doesn’t want to be FOUND.

I figure the pig is probably off HIBERNATING

somewhere. Mom says pigs don’t do that, but if

you ask me, I think they SHOULD.

If I was an animal, that’s EXACTLY what I’D

be doing right now. On the last day of the fall,

I think everyone should get in their pajamas and

check out until the spring.

When I was younger, I actually TRIED to

hibernate, but it didn’t work.

42

I used to get SUPER excited for Christmas,

and once December rolled around it was really

hard for me to wait until the big day.

So one year on December 1st, I told my parents

I was gonna go to sleep, and that they shouldn’t

wake me up until Christmas morning. I was pretty

surprised when they didn’t put up a fight.

I went to bed that night, but I only slept until

1:30 p.m. the next day. Then my sleep schedule

was screwed up for the next two weeks.

43

Mom says it’s IMPOSSIBLE for human beings

to hibernate, but I’m not 100% convinced

that’s TRUE.

There’s this group of wild kids who live in the

woods, and everyone calls them the Mingos. You

never see the Mingos in the WINTER, and

when they make their first appearance in the

SPRING, they look like they just woke up.

So if they’re not HIBERNATING, I don’t know

WHAT they’re doing all winter.

The rest of us NORMAL people have to grind it

out and deal with the cold weather.

44

And the only way to do THAT is to stay inside

as much as possible and keep warm.

When we got back from our trip a few weeks

ago, there was a package on our front step.

It was a Christmas gift from Aunt Dorothy,

and when we opened it, there was a giant

BLANKET inside.

That thing was AMAZING. It was really soft,

but it was also HEAVY, which is exactly how I

like my blankets. The only problem was that the

gift was for all three of us boys, and we started

fighting over it right away.

We wanted to use the blanket at the same time,

so Mom told us we were gonna have to take

TURNS with it.

45

But the three of us have never been any good

at SHARING, so Mom had to make a blanket

schedule that spelled out who got to use it when.

But that wasn’t really FAIR. Manny has his

OWN blanket, so he was double-dipping.

When it was MY turn to use the blanket, I tried

to make the most of it.

But it was really hard to enjoy myself, because

Rodrick would start hovering over me when I still

had fifteen minutes left on my shift.

We each got three half-hour shifts a night, but

Rodrick would cheat Manny out of HIS turn by

taking the blanket into the bathroom right before

Manny’s shift was supposed to START. Then

Rodrick would sit in there for an HOUR, which

cut into MY shift.

46

47

So Mom made a rule that we can’t take the

blanket into the bathroom.

One night I slept with the blanket in my room,

and Rodrick complained because he wanted to use

it while he ate breakfast. Mom made a NEW rule

that said if you slept with the blanket, it had to

be returned downstairs by 8:00 a.m.

By the end of the first week, there were so

many rules that Mom had to put them all in a

MANUAL, which ended up being something like

twenty-five pages long.

48

But THAT didn’t solve our problems, and

eventually Mom took the blanket away to give it

to someone who “deserved” it. She said it was our

fault we couldn’t have something nice, because we

didn’t know how to SHARE.

Grown-ups are always talking about how great

sharing is, but personally, I think it’s overrated.

And if I ever get enough money, I’m gonna

build a big castle all for myself, and there’s gonna

be a big heavy blanket in every room.

49

Monday

When I woke up this morning, it was below

freezing outside. I was relieved it actually felt like

WINTER again, but when Mom told me I had to

wear thermal underwear to school, I thought maybe

global warming isn’t such a bad thing after all.

I HATE wearing thermal underwear, because it’s

uncomfortable, and I feel RIDICULOUS wearing

it. Thermal underwear looks cool when it’s on the

mannequin at the mall, but when I put it on, I

just look like a retired superhero.

The mannequins at the mall are always super buff,

and they make guys like me who can’t spend three

hours in the gym every day look bad.

50

If I ever get in really good shape, I’m gonna

sign up to be a mannequin model. Because that would

be an awesome thing to brag about on a date.

The mannequins you see at the sports store are

always in athletic poses, and it looks like it would

be HARD to stay in that position while someone

sculpts you. And that’s just too much effort for a

job that should be EASY.

So when I apply for the job, I’m gonna do it at

the bed and bath store.

Mom says I’m LUCKY to have thermal underwear,

because our ANCESTORS didn’t have this kind of

stuff to keep them warm.

Sometimes I WONDER about my ancestors,

though. I have no idea why they chose to live

HERE when they could’ve picked somewhere a

whole lot warmer.

52

But I can’t complain, because they SURVIVED,

and everything they did led directly to ME. I

just wish they could see how I turned out so

they’d know all their sacrifices were WORTH it.

I guess we’re ALL lucky to be here, because

human beings have had to go through a LOT to

get to where we are now.

At school, we learned that 10,000 years ago a

big sheet of ice covered half the planet. And if

people made it through THAT, I guess we can

get through ANYTHING.

My teacher said that one day the Earth is

gonna be in another ice age and the glaciers will

come back, but I hope it doesn’t happen anytime

SOON.

53

I’ve heard glaciers move SLOWLY, which is a

good thing. Because maybe we’ll have a chance to

DO something about it.

I don’t know which is worse, a planet that’s too

HOT or one that’s too COLD. All I know is

that today it was cold, and it wasn’t fun walking

to school in the morning.

I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of things

I LIKE about the winter, but I came up with a

really short list. Christmas is great and all, but

after that it’s just a long slog to the spring.

54

I’ve decided the only thing that actually makes

winter worth it is the HOT CHOCOLATE. I

used to be on the Safety Patrols, and I’d get free

hot chocolate at school. But after I got kicked

off, I had to start bringing my OWN.

Lately, I’ve been filling a thermos with hot

chocolate every morning, and that keeps me warm

on the walk to school.

But today, Dad must’ve grabbed MY thermos

and left me with HIS. And I didn’t realize what

happened until I took a giant gulp of cream of

mushroom soup.

I wish Mom and Dad would drive me to school in the

morning, but they leave a half hour before I do.

55

There are some kids on my hill whose parents drive

them in on cold days like today. But when me and

Rowley try to flag them down to hitch a ride,

they won’t even make eye contact. And that

really stinks, because us hill kids are supposed to

have each other’s BACKS.

It was so cold out today, the teachers decided

to keep us indoors for recess, which was perfectly

fine with ME.

The LAST time we had outdoor recess on a day like

today, Albert Sandy was saying it was so cold that

your spit would freeze before it hit the GROUND.

56

Well, it turns out he was WRONG, and recess

that day was a total NIGHTMARE.

Usually, indoor recess isn’t very fun. We’re

supposed to play board games and do arts and

crafts, but kids always get restless and find ways

to liven things up.

So today, our teacher said we were gonna try

something NEW.

57

She taught us how to play a game called

“Museum,” where everyone has to freeze like a

statue and hold still for as long as possible.

It was actually pretty FUN, but when recess

ended, I realized it was just an easy way to get

us to BEHAVE for a half hour.

The thing I don’t like about being indoors at

school in the winter is that a lot of kids are

SICK, and I really don’t want someone getting

ME sick.

Our school is FULL of germs, and NOBODY

covers their mouth when they cough or sneeze.

58

Walking down the hallway between classes is like

walking through a war zone.

Nobody remembers to sneeze into the crook of

their arm, and kids like Albert Sandy aren’t

HELPING things. Today at lunch, Albert told

a story about a guy who covered his sneeze, and

when he did, he blew his head clean OFF.

59

I told Albert his story wasn’t true, but he swore

it WAS. He said the guy actually SURVIVED,

and now he works as a grocery bagger at the local

Shop-n-Dash.

Albert’s ALWAYS spreading bad information like

that, and the kids at my table believe every word

he says. So now there’s ZERO chance any of

these guys will cover their mouths the next time

they have to sneeze.

A couple of weeks ago, Albert said that when

someone’s pet dies in the winter, they have to wait

until the ground thaws in the spring before it can

be buried. He said they need somewhere to KEEP

their pets in the meantime.

60

Albert said the people in our town use the school

cafeteria’s walk-in freezer to store their pets

for the winter, and that right now it’s full to

CAPACITY

.

I’m almost POSITIVE this is just another one

of Albert’s stupid made-up stories. But until we

find our PIG, I’m not gonna order the Pork

Barbecue Special, just in case.

I’m seriously thinking of changing lunch tables,

because I’m tired of sitting with Albert Sandy

and all these other idiots every day. One kid I

won’t miss is Teddy Silvetti, who wears the same

sweater all winter long.

61

Teddy’s sweater has NEVER been cleaned, and

there are food stains all over it. Sometimes the

kids at my table try to guess what each stain

IS, which is what they were doing today.

See, this is the reason girls at my school have

pictures of pop singers in their lockers. The guys

in my grade just aren’t giving them any good

OPTIONS.

I can’t even IMAGINE how many germs are on

Teddy’s sweater, which is why I sit at least two

seats away from him.

62

Most of my brain power at school goes to keeping

tabs on whose germs are WHERE. And I’ve

already filled up two notebooks this winter.

The times it gets tricky is when you have TWINS

like Jeremy and Jameson Garza. I can’t tell them

apart, and today it looked to me like one was

sick, but the other one WASN’T.

63

So I shot a spitball in the sick one’s hair to make

it easier to keep track of him.

The only GOOD thing about being sick is the

cherry lozenges Mom gives me when I have a sore

throat. I know you’re supposed to suck on them

real slow, but I chew those things like CANDY,

and I go through a few packs a day.

The girls in my grade LOVE the smell of cherry

lozenges, which almost makes being sick WORTH it.

64

Unfortunately, the GUYS in my grade like the

smell, too. And they’re always trying to get me

to GIVE them some.

A few weeks ago, I thought I felt a sore throat

coming on, and I brought three packs of cherry

lozenges to school with me. I kept one pack in my

pocket and the OTHER two in my locker.

But Jake McGough sniffed out the packs I was

keeping in my locker, and by the time I found

out, Speed Bump had already picked the lock.

I wish I didn’t have to go to school at ALL

during cold and flu season. Maybe one day I’ll buy

one of those big plastic bubbles so I’m not exposed

to other kids’ germs.

65

But I’m sure my bubble wouldn’t last a DAY before

some jerk popped it.

Even though I hate being sick, I’m kind of glad

they haven’t come up with a cure for the cold yet.

Because if they DID, I wouldn’t be able to fake

being sick and stay home from school to play

video games.

66

It was even colder today on the walk HOME

than it was on the walk to school. And this time

me and Rowley were facing the WIND, which made

it ten times WORSE.

It was so bad that we had to make a few pit

stops on the way home. The first place we ducked

in was the pizza shop, because there’s a big oven

in there, so it’s always warm inside. But when the

guy who owns the place realized we weren’t gonna

BUY anything, he kicked us out.

67

Our next stop was the town library. That’s a

public building, and I knew they couldn’t tell us

to leave. But when the librarians started getting

pushy with the books, we left on our OWN.

I wish we’d used the bathroom in the library before

we headed back outside, though, because when we

got halfway home, Rowley really needed to go. We

knocked on a few doors, but when people saw us,

they pretended they weren’t home.

68

We finally got someone to ANSWER, but by that

point Rowley’s face was so frozen, he couldn’t

even form WORDS.

By the time we got to Surrey Street, I thought

Rowley was gonna have a medical emergency. But

I knew none of the Lower Surrey Street people

were gonna let us inside their houses.

There’s a big ROCK in Mr. Yee’s front yard,

and I told Rowley he should duck behind it to do

his business. Personally, I wouldn’t pee outside in

THIS kind of cold, because Albert Sandy told us a

story about what happened to a guy who DID.

69

But I didn’t feel like it was the right time to

mention that to Rowley, and I’m not really sure he

had to go number ONE, anyway.

Whatever he was doing back there, he was taking

FOREVER. Some of the Lower Surrey Street

kids came out of their houses to play, and before

long Rowley had drawn a crowd. I just backed

off, because I really didn’t want people to know

I was WITH him.

Thankfully, Rowley wrapped things up and we

got out of there before anyone realized what he

was DOING. Because this is just the sort of

stupid thing that could end up sparking a WAR.

70

Tuesday

It was seriously cold again this morning, so I

dug my scarf and a pair of old gloves out of

the closet. Mom said I should wear the mittens

Gramma knitted for me last winter, but when

she made those things, she forgot to add the

THUMBS

.

So whenever I put them on, it’s basically like

wearing SOCKS on my hands. And they’re

totally USELESS in a snowball fight.

71

Mom said I should wear earmuffs, too, but the

thing I’ve learned is that if kids know you can’t

hear them COMING, you’re just ASKING for it.

The reason I get so cold is because I’m SKINNY,

and I don’t have any insulation. Every winter, I

try to eat a lot to give myself an extra layer of

blubber. But I guess I’ve got a fast metabolism,

because nothing I do ever seems to WORK.

I think it was something like ten degrees outside

this morning, and on the walk to school I started

wondering if a person’s BLOOD could freeze.

72

I’ve heard people are something like 60% WATER,

so I guess it’s POSSIBLE. But it kind of feels

like something Albert Sandy would make up.

What I was worried about the MOST was

FROSTBITE. By the time I was halfway to

school, my ears were STINGING, and I really

wished I had listened to Mom about the earmuffs.

I thought one of my ears might actually fall OFF,

and that I wouldn’t notice until I was in class.

It wasn’t just my EARS I was worried about,

though. Apparently there are a LOT of body

parts where you can get frostbite.

73

I wouldn’t want to lose my NOSE, because I’d

look a little freaky without one. Then again,

my desk in Social Studies is right next to the

BATHROOM, so at least THAT situation would

get a little better.

Plus, my nose ALWAYS runs on cold days, and I

never realize I’ve got frozen snot on my face until

it’s too late.

74

I’d like to hang on to my LIPS, too, because if

I didn’t have them it would always look like I was

SMILING. And in certain situations, that could

be a real problem.

I was lucky I found those GLOVES, because

I wouldn’t want to lose any FINGERS, either.

The only thing I’d be willing to give up would be my

pinky toes, because I hardly EVER use mine. The

last time I can remember using them was when I

was in preschool and I needed to count to twenty.

But other than that, I’m drawing a blank.

75

I guess a lot of OTHER kids were worried about

frostbite, too, because when I got to school,

there was a whole line of boys in the bathroom

waiting to use the hand dryer. And that made me

five minutes late for first period.

It wasn’t as windy on the walk home today, but

it was just as COLD. Me and Rowley stopped at

the pizza place again to warm up, because Rowley

found a coupon for two free meatball subs in his

coat pocket.

76

After we left the pizza shop, we still had a long

way to walk. But that’s when I had an idea.

My Gramma’s house is halfway between our school

and Surrey Street, and I knew there was no one

home. That’s because Gramma goes down south

each winter and doesn’t come back until the spring.

During the winter, Gramma sends us pictures of

herself and her friends in their bathing suits to

let us know that she’s having a good time.

Gramma takes her dog, Sweetie, with her, too. So

while I’m freezing my butt off up here, it’s great

to know Sweetie is lying on a beach down south

soaking up the sun.

77

Gramma usually keeps a key inside her garden

gnome right next to the front door. And sure

enough, that’s EXACTLY where it was today.

I figured we could use Gramma’s house to warm

up before the last push home. Rowley was nervous

about us going inside with no adults home, but I

told him Gramma was FAMILY, and she’d WANT

me to use her house while she was away.

When we walked in, I was pretty surprised. It

was like an ICEBOX in there, so I guess Gramma

turns down the thermostat for the winter.

78

Usually, Gramma CRANKS the heat. When she’s

home, it’s so warm that you have to eat your ice

cream sandwich with the freezer drawer open or

the ice cream will melt in your hands.

The first thing I did when we got inside

Gramma’s was turn up the thermostat. It was

taking a while for the house to heat up, though,

so I turned on the oven and we warmed up in a

HURRY

.

79

Gramma had a bunch of snacks in her refrigerator,

and me and Rowley helped ourselves. But while we

were eating, we saw some MOVEMENT out the

front window.

It was Mrs. McNeil, Gramma’s snoopy next-door

neighbor. She must’ve noticed the light from the

fridge, and now she was trying to see inside.

We stayed out of sight, and eventually Mrs.

McNeil went away. But now I knew we had to be

CAREFUL, because I really didn’t need her calling

the COPS. So we got down low and went into the

living room, where Gramma has her TV.

80

Gramma has ALL the cable channels, and luckily

she didn’t shut THOSE down for the winter. But

we couldn’t risk attracting Mrs. McNeil again,

so we put a blanket over ourselves AND the

television, and watched it THAT way.

I guess we kind of lost track of time, because

when we shut off the TV, it was DARK out. By

now it was nice and toasty in Gramma’s house, and

I really didn’t wanna go back out there in the

cold. So I had an idea for how to make the walk

home a little more COMFORTABLE.

I figured if we warmed up our clothes in Gramma’s

dryer before we headed back out, it would take

the edge off for the rest of the trip. So we went

down to the basement where Gramma keeps her

laundry machines and put in a load of clothes.

81

We set the timer to thirty minutes and waited.

But it was a little awkward hanging out in our

underwear while the dryer did its thing.

Plus, it was COLD in the basement, so we looked

around for something to WEAR. Rowley found

a sweatshirt I gave Gramma for her birthday,

and he put THAT on. But I didn’t feel RIGHT

wearing Gramma’s clothes.

82

I found a sweater that Gramma knitted for

Sweetie, and it fit better than I expected. But

it was a little ITCHY, and I couldn’t remember if

Sweetie ever had FLEAS.

But while I was looking around for something to

swap it with, we heard NOISES upstairs.

My FIRST thought was that Gramma gave Mrs.

McNeil a key to the house, and now she was inside.

But Rowley said it might be a BURGLAR who

knew no one was home, and I thought maybe he

was right.

83

We heard some more stomping around upstairs, and

when the door to the basement opened, we both

freaked out.

I looked around for something to use to

DEFEND myself, but the best I could come up

with was a toilet plunger.

Rowley grabbed a can of lemon dust spray and one

of Gramma’s purses. And when we heard footsteps

coming down the stairs, we braced ourselves.

The footsteps PAUSED when they got near the

bottom, and that’s when we made our MOVE.

84

It turned out it wasn’t Mrs. McNeil, and it

wasn’t a BURGLAR, either. It was MOM.

She was there to do a load of laundry, since our

washing machine at home is broken.

Mom didn’t say much. She just told us to get our

winter clothes back on and to get in the car.

And she was totally silent on the ride back to our

neighborhood, which was really AWKWARD.

85

I figured as soon as Rowley was out of the car,

Mom was gonna yell at me for being at Gramma’s

house without permission. But she didn’t say

ANYTHING, and she didn’t mention it to Dad

during dinner, either.

After I finished doing the dishes, Mom told me

she wanted to have a talk in my room. She said

it was “perfectly normal” for boys my age to play

“make believe,” and that there was nothing to

feel ashamed of. Then she said she was glad me

and Rowley were using our imaginations instead of

playing video games.

I have no IDEA what Mom thought we

were doing in Gramma’s basement. But to be

honest with you, I kind of wish she had just

GROUNDED me instead.

86

FEBRUARY

Wednesday

It’s been snowing for the past few days, and

last night we got another inch and a half.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to close school,

and even if it snowed MORE than that, I don’t

think they would’ve given us the day off.

We only get a certain amount of snow days each

year, and if we use them all, then we have to

make up for them during summer vacation. And

we’ve already burned through most of our snow

days for this winter, even though SOME of them

technically weren’t used because of SNOW.

In December, the school shut down for three

days because of a LICE epidemic.

87

What happened was that Lily Bodner came to

school with head lice, but I guess she didn’t know

it. And it SPREAD when she took pictures with

her friends.

So if we’re sitting in a hot classroom in July, I

guess we can all thank Lily for taking selfies.

Sometimes, when it snows in the morning, they’ll

give us a HALF day. But I’m not a big fan of

half days, because we still have to walk all that

way just to put in a few hours at school.

What REALLY stinks is when the school looks at

the weather forecast and decides in advance that

the NEXT day is gonna be a half day.

88

On a half day, the school schedule is the same,

but everything takes half the time. That goes

for DETENTION, too. And all the bullies in our

school know that if they do something bad the

day BEFORE a half day, they’ll only get half

the PUNISHMENT.

Sometimes school gets canceled because it’s

SUPPOSED to snow, and then it DOESN’T.

That’s because the school relies on our local TV

weatherman for the forecast, and he’s wrong at

least 50% of the time.

On New Year’s Eve, he said it was gonna be

“T-shirts and shorts weather” the next day, but

then it snowed three inches. And when people

saw him at the grocery store, they let him know

they weren’t happy.

Honestly, I don’t see how this guy still has a JOB.

But I guess as long as people like my parents tune

in every night, he’s not going ANYWHERE.

90

I couldn’t find one of my gloves this morning,

so I looked for a replacement. I was already

running late, so the best I could come up with

was a puppet Mom bought to try and get me to

eat healthy food when I was younger.

I guess Mom thought that if Mr. Morsels liked

vegetables, then I would, too. But I used Mr.

Morsels to eat MY vegetables, and when I found

him today in the closet, he still had stains on

his face from the peas I wouldn’t touch in the

second grade.

91

I know it’s kind of ridiculous to wear a puppet

as a glove, and I MOSTLY remembered to keep

that thing tucked in my coat pocket on the walk

to school.

But when Cassie Drench rode by in her mom’s

car, I TOTALLY forgot Mr. Morsels was still

on my hand.

Speaking of GIRLS, there’s been a BIG change

to the Safety Patrols in the past few weeks.

There used to be a lot of BOYS on the Patrols,

but most of them quit or got kicked off before

the start of the new year.

92

The last two boys on the Patrols were Eric

Reynolds and Dougie Finch, who were both

captains. But they had their badges taken away

in the first week of January when they got into

a snowball fight in front of the kindergarten

classroom at the elementary school.

So now the Safety Patrols are 100% GIRLS.

And I’ll bet they’ve been planning a takeover for

a WHILE.

The reason is because the guys at my school can

be real JERKS. And when it snows, they’re

REALLY bad.

93

After a while, I’m sure the girls got SICK of it,

and that’s why they put themselves in charge.

Now that the girls are in power, they’re not messing

around. If you throw a single snowball on a school

day, the Safety Patrols will report you to the

principal, and it’ll get you an automatic suspension.

So the girls are just PRAYING one of us guys

will step out of line.

Today the road was cleared, but the sidewalk

WASN’T. Whenever that happens, me and

Rowley just walk in the road. But these new

Safety Patrols are sticklers for the rules, and

they won’t let us walk in the street, even though

THEY do it.

But it’s practically IMPOSSIBLE to walk on the

sidewalk when it hasn’t been plowed, ESPECIALLY

when people are clearing their driveways.

95

In fact, it’s hard to even know where the sidewalk

IS, and this morning I almost busted a kneecap on

a fire hydrant that was buried in a snowdrift.

The thing that REALLY stinks is that the Safety

Patrols make all us guys walk on the SIDEWALK,

but they let all the GIRLS walk on the ROAD.

96

When me and Rowley got to school today, we were

totally wiped out from the trip in. But the girls in

our class were fresh and ready to go. And if one

of them goes on to be president, it’s because they

got an unfair advantage back in middle school.

I don’t really blame the Safety Patrols for

sticking it to the guys in my grade. Most boys are

basically SAVAGES, and they make civilized guys

like ME look bad.

But with this new Safety Patrol situation, I’ve

been thinking there might be a way for me to

separate myself from those fools.

97

If I can work FOR the Safety Patrols, I can

stay on their GOOD side. And if I report the

troublemakers to the girls, then they’ll OWE me.

For some reason, though, snitching is really frowned

on in my school. If you tell on a kid for doing

something WRONG, then everyone says you’re a

tattletale, and it’s hard to recover from that.

But from what I can tell, the only people the

“no snitching” thing helps are the BULLIES. I’m

sure they’re the ones who came up with the idea in

the FIRST place.

98

Personally, I don’t have ANY problem with

snitching. And apparently, you can make MONEY

off of being a tattletale.

Rodrick told me about a guy in his high school who

turned out to be a “narc,” which means the guy

PRETENDED to be a high-schooler, but he was

actually a cop in DISGUISE.

I’ve heard about this kind of thing before,

and sometimes I wonder if there are narcs in

MIDDLE school, too.

There’s a new kid named Shane Browning who

came to our school in the middle of the year, and

he looks a lot older than the rest of us. I’m

starting to wonder if maybe HE’S a narc.

99

So I’ve been giving him the inside scoop on my

classmates, just in case he is.

Anyway, the snow situation is causing a LOT of

problems.

For the past few days, kids have been

wearing their boots in school, and everyone tracks

snow through the hallways.

So today, the teachers made everyone take off

their boots in the entryway. But the snow on the

boots MELTED and made a giant PUDDLE.

100

Then kids WALKED through the puddle on their

way to class, and before long everyone’s socks were

SOAKED. One thing led to another, and by third

period it was just complete CHAOS in the hallways.

It got so bad the teachers had to collect all of

our socks and keep them in the front office.

But a bunch of barefoot middle schoolers isn’t such

a great thing, either.

101

At the end of the day, we all went to the front

office to get our socks. But most socks look the

SAME, so no one could tell which ones belonged

to who.

Luckily, Jake McGough has a really good sense

of smell, and he paired each kid up with their

correct socks.

102

He even got the socks right for the Garza twins,

which you have to admit is pretty IMPRESSIVE.

I was glad it was a little warmer on the way home

today, since me and Rowley didn’t have Gramma’s

house to use as a pit stop. But that didn’t mean

the walk home was EASY.

You’re not allowed to throw snowballs on the way

home from school. But AFTER you get home, you

can do anything you WANT.

So kids who live close to school have figured out that

if they drop their bags off at their houses, that

counts as being HOME. Then they come after the

kids like me and Rowley who still have a long way to

WALK.

103

The SAFETY PATROLS get ambushed, too.

But rules are rules, and they’re not allowed to

fight BACK.

And they get attacked from both SIDES. Some

of the kids on my hill who get rides home walk

halfway back to school just to get their licks in.

104

It’s supposed to snow another few inches tomorrow.

I told my parents that I’m saving up for a

SNOWMOBILE so getting to school isn’t such a

hassle on days like today.

But Mom and Dad started listing all the reasons

why a middle school kid can’t have a snowmobile,

and after a while I kind of tuned them out.

Any time I come up with a good idea, my parents

shoot it down. They did the same exact thing

when I had my dogsled idea LAST winter.

I figured if I bought a few dogs and trained

them to pull a sled, getting to school in the

morning would be a SNAP.

105

I guess my parents thought I was JOKING,

though, because they told me I should go for it.

But when I used my Christmas money to buy a

litter of puppies from the lady up the street,

Mom and Dad made me return every last one.

106

Thursday

Today reminded me why the winter is my least

favorite time of year.

It was another snowy day, but this morning I

decided to do some extra preparation to stay warm

on the way to school. Dad lit a fire before he left

for work, and I figured I could use it to warm

up my coat and boots before I put them on.

But I put my boots too close to the fire, and

the rubber soles melted into the bricks. So when it

was time to go, they wouldn’t BUDGE.

Rowley was coming by to get me at any minute, so

I had to figure out something ELSE to wear on

my feet.

107

I knew the Safety Patrols wouldn’t let us walk

in the street, and my sneakers were gonna get

SOAKED if I had to walk through the snow.

So I created my own SNOWSHOES out of pizza

boxes and duct tape. And by the time Rowley

knocked on the door, I was ready to go.

I’ve gotta say, my snowshoes worked even better

than I EXPECTED. In fact, I was moving

along so fast that Rowley had trouble keeping up

with me.

108

But once we got to the bottom of Surrey Street,

things fell apart.

The boxes got SOGGY, and I started sinking

into the snow. And then it was even WORSE

than having sneakers on, because now I was

dragging these wet BOXES along with me.

I knew this wasn’t working, so I had Rowley try

to help me pull the boxes off my sneakers. But it

was practically IMPOSSIBLE, because they were

double-wrapped in duct tape.

109

Unfortunately, we were right at the edge of the

Guzmans’ yard, and they’ve got about eleven dogs.

The dogs were curious about what we were doing,

and that wasn’t helping things.

Then the dogs got AGGRESSIVE and started

fighting over the pizza boxes. That’s when I

remembered there were a few slices of pizza still

in them.

110

The dogs chewed up the pizza boxes, and thankfully

didn’t take off my FEET. We got out of there

as quick as we could, but my sneakers were getting

soaked in the snow.

The second I stepped onto the street, though,

the Safety Patrols were right there with their

whistles. So I had to just suck it up and walk on

the sidewalk.

It didn’t take long for the COLD to set in.

I was worried I could lose my TOES if I

didn’t find a way to warm them up. But the

school was still a long way off, and I was

desperate.

111

So we stopped every few houses, and I’d shove

my feet into a dryer vent until I got the feeling

back in my toes.

We finally made it to school. But it took me a

minute to realize it was almost as cold in THERE

as it was OUTSIDE.

Apparently what happened was that the sock

smell from yesterday was so strong that it was

too much for the night janitor.

112

So he went around and opened all the windows to

let some fresh air circulate.

But then I guess he forgot to CLOSE the

windows at the end of his shift. And the furnace

couldn’t keep up, so it shut down. That meant we

had a whole day of school with NO HEAT.

At first the teachers let us wear our winter stuff

in class. But I guess that was too weird, so they

changed their minds and made us put our gear in

the lockers.

113

In History we were FREEZING, but our teacher

was just FINE. Mrs. Willey keeps a space heater

next to her desk, and she had that thing

cranked up to the MAX.

Halfway through class, a girl named Becky

Cosgrove tipped over her desk and started

yelling, which was totally random.

As punishment, Mrs. Willey made Becky sit in a chair

next to her desk. And it took a minute for the

REST of us to figure out what Becky’s game was.

114

But kids in middle school are idiots, and within

thirty seconds EVERYONE was trying to get a

seat next to Mrs. Willey.

For the rest of the day, everybody did whatever

they could to keep WARM. And some kids got

pretty CREATIVE about it.

We had a school play a few weeks ago, and

somebody had the bright idea to get one of the

costumes

from behind the stage.

115

While most of us were freezing our butts

off INSIDE, the snow was really piling up

OUTSIDE. And by fourth period, people were

freaking out that we were gonna be stuck at

school OVERNIGHT.

At lunch, kids bought up everything in the cafeteria

so they’d have something to eat if we got snowed in.

That sent everyone ELSE into a panic, so kids made

a run on the vending machines in the hallways.

At that point, people were just trying to get their

hands on anything that was EDIBLE. A rumor

spread that there was food in the SCIENCE lab,

so a bunch of kids ran down THERE.

116

And from what I heard, they picked that place

CLEAN.

I think the principal could see that she was about

to have a RIOT on her hands, so she announced

an early dismissal.

Well that was great news for everyone who rode

the BUS home, but us kids who had to WALK

didn’t have it so easy. I really wasn’t looking

forward to walking home in a snowstorm, so I

came up with an IDEA. Whirley Street isn’t too

far from OUR neighborhood, so I figured me and

Rowley could ride on THEIR bus and then WALK

the rest of the way.

117

So after we got dismissed, we headed straight for

the bus line. And we were so bundled up, nobody

even NOTICED when we got on board.

I’ve gotta say, it was kind of WEIRD being on

the bus with the Whirley Street kids, because

those guys are our ENEMIES. They used to sled

on our hill every winter until they discovered the

13th hole at the golf course.

The 13th hole is LEGENDARY, and everyone

knows it’s the best sledding hill in our town.

But the problem is that the golf course is part

of the country club, so if you sled there, you’re

TRESPASSING.

118

Last year I wanted to see what the fuss over the

13th hole was all about, so I got Rowley to come

with me. But Rowley was SUPER nervous about

the trespassing thing, so he didn’t want to go.

I had to remind Rowley that he and his family

are MEMBERS of the country club, so technically

he WOULDN’T be trespassing.

But I guess Rowley was worried his family might

lose their membership if he got caught sledding. So

to disguise himself, he shook his face really fast,

and kept that up the whole time we were there.

I’ve gotta admit, the 13th hole was everything

people SAID it was.

It was really STEEP, and someone built up a

mound of snow near the bottom where kids were

catching some SERIOUS air.

We got in a few good runs, but that’s when the

WHIRLEY Street kids came and kicked everyone

ELSE off the golf course so they could have it to

THEMSELVES.

120

But I was OK with it. As long as those guys

aren’t causing trouble on OUR street, they can

have the whole GOLF COURSE for all I care.

The bus ride with the Whirley Street kids wasn’t a

lot of fun, but me and Rowley just tried to keep

a low profile so no one would notice us.

We were almost to Whirley Street when one of the

kids in the back did something really DUMB. Some

fool actually threw a snowball ON THE BUS.

121

The second it happened, the driver pulled over.

She said she wasn’t moving until the person who

threw the snowball turned themself in.

Like I said before, there’s a “no snitching” rule in

middle school, so no one from the back of the bus

made a PEEP. I wish I knew who did it, because

I would’ve given them up in a HEARTBEAT.

I was pretty sure the bus driver was just

BLUFFING about not moving, and that we’d be

on our way within a few minutes.

But then she broke out a BOOK, and started on

page ONE. So we just sat there and waited for

an HOUR while she read.

The worst part about the whole thing was that

the bus driver turned off the ENGINE, so there

was no HEAT.

There was some conversation going on in the back

of the bus, and I think a few kids were trying

to get the one who threw the snowball to give

himself up.

But I really wish I hadn’t turned around to

look, because when I DID, some eighth grader

realized I wasn’t from Whirley Street.

123

That was all it took. These guys needed someone

to take the BLAME for the snowball, and since I

was an OUTSIDER, it was a no-brainer for them.

The bus driver said I needed to get off the

bus IMMEDIATELY. That was fine with ME,

because now that my cover was blown, I didn’t

wanna stick around any longer than I HAD to.

So I got off the bus, and Rowley was two steps

behind me.

124

I was pretty sure we were about a mile from

Surrey Street. The road we were on didn’t have

sidewalks, but there weren’t any Safety Patrols

this far out, so we walked on the street.

Five minutes later, we heard angry voices. It was

a bunch of Whirley Street kids, and they were

coming straight FOR us.

First, those idiots LIED about me throwing the

snowball on the bus. Then they BELIEVED their

lie, and now they were MAD.

Me and Rowley had to make a choice. We could

either deal with the mob, or RUN. We decided

to run, and the only place to go was into the

WOODS.

125

Believe me, that was the LAST thing I wanted

to do. Everyone knows the woods along that road

are where the GOAT MAN lives, which is why

nobody ever goes in there.

Rodrick was the first one to tell me about the

Goat Man, who he said was a half man, half goat.

I wasn’t sure if he meant the top half was a

GOAT and the bottom part was a MAN, or if

it was the other way around. But either way, the

Goat Man seemed pretty scary to ME.

Me and Rowley have argued for YEARS over

which version is right. Rowley thinks the Goat

Man is split down the MIDDLE.

126

I guess Rowley could be RIGHT, but if you ask

me, I think his version sounds kind of STUPID.

It’s kind of fun talking about this stuff when

we’re on a sleepover and safe in our sleeping

bags. But now that we were in the woods where

the Goat Man actually LIVES, it was no

laughing matter.

The Whirley Street kids must’ve known about the

Goat Man, too, because when we went into the

woods, they didn’t follow us. I figured we’d stay

in there just long enough for the Whirley Street

kids to LEAVE, because we didn’t want to be in

there any longer than we HAD to.

127

But those guys must’ve known we were too

chicken to stay in there for long, and we could

see them waiting for us on the road at the edge

of the woods.

So our only choice was to go deeper in, and

that’s what we did.

What was WEIRD was how QUIET it was in

there. After a while, I realized we couldn’t hear

the cars on the road, and that’s when I knew we

went in TOO deep.

We followed our footsteps back to the road, but

the sun was going down, and it was getting hard

to find our tracks.

128

We picked up the pace, because we didn’t wanna get

stuck in the woods in the DARK. But when we came

across a set of tracks, we FROZE.

At first we thought it was the GOAT MAN.

But then we realized there were TWO sets of

footprints, and they were OURS. That meant

we’d spent the past ten minutes walking in a

giant CIRCLE.

So we turned around and headed in the OTHER

direction. But then we ran into a CREEK, and

I knew we were lost.

129

Rowley was PANICKED, but I wasn’t. I knew

that if you get lost in the wilderness, as long as

you have WATER, you’re FINE.

I saw a movie where these explorers got trapped

in the mountains, but they found a spring and it

kept them alive.

But then I remembered that when they got

DESPERATE, they had to eat their pack

animals. I just hoped things didn’t reach that

point for US.

I figured if we followed the creek, it might

LEAD us somewhere, and at least we wouldn’t get

lost again. But when we came across a beaver dam,

Rowley started freaking out.

130

Rowley said beavers are DANGEROUS, and that

he saw a show on TV where a beaver attacked a

PERSON.

But Rowley’s an idiot. The show he was talking

about was a CARTOON, and I was actually

WITH him when he watched it.

Still, I couldn’t convince Rowley to stay near the

creek, so we had to turn around AGAIN. And by

now it was REALLY dark. After walking a few

more minutes, something bright caught my eye. I

thought maybe it was the headlights from a car,

and we ran toward it.

131

It turned out the light WAS coming from a car,

but it was just a rusted-out piece of junk in the

middle of the woods. And what caught my eye was

the reflection of the MOON on the bumper.

When my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized

there were a LOT of abandoned cars and trucks

all around us.

132

I saw something shiny sitting on a stump and I

picked it up. The thing was cold and metal, and

when I held it up to my face to take a closer

look, I knew EXACTLY what it was.

It was a BELT BUCKLE, and it belonged to

MECKLEY MINGO.

That meant me and Rowley were smack in the

middle of the Mingos’ CAMP.

People in my town have always wondered where the

Mingos live, and now me and Rowley had stumbled

into their HEADQUARTERS.

133

I thought we were LUCKY, because at least

there was no one THERE. But when I turned to

LEAVE, something grabbed my HAND.

Well, technically, something grabbed Mr. Morsels.

I thought for SURE it was Meckley Mingo and he

was gonna KILL me for touching his belt buckle.

Thankfully, I was WRONG. The puppet was

snagged on a truck’s door handle, so I tried to

pull it free.

134

That’s when we heard noises coming from INSIDE

THE TRUCK. I realized I had to choose

between saving MYSELF and saving a PUPPET,

and it was no contest.

Me and Rowley tore out of there. But when we

were a good distance away from the Mingos’ camp,

we heard a sound that made my blood run cold.

I didn’t know if it was the GOAT MAN or the

MINGO KIDS.

135

All I knew for sure was that if we stopped

RUNNING, we’d be DEAD.

I could hear shouting behind us, and it was

getting CLOSER. But just when it felt like the

voices were right on TOP of us, we broke through

the trees and into the open.

Luckily, Dad was paying ATTENTION, or me

and Rowley would’ve been ROADKILL.

But at least it would’ve been over QUICK. Because

if the MINGOS caught us, I’m sure they would’ve

taken their TIME.

136

Friday

When I woke up this morning, I was totally

EXHAUSTED. My legs felt like rubber from all

that running yesterday, and I barely got any

rest because I had a nightmare the Mingos were

chasing me.

I was gonna tell Mom I couldn’t go to school

today, but when I looked out the window, I

realized I didn’t HAVE to.

137

It snowed at least five inches overnight, which

meant school was CLOSED. So I was looking

forward to a nice, relaxing day of doing absolutely

NOTHING.

Mom and Dad were already gone, and Manny was

at daycare. Rodrick usually sleeps past 1:00 p.m.

on snow days, so I more or less had the whole

house to MYSELF.

I went downstairs to make a bowl of cereal and

turn on the TV. But there was something wrong

with the REMOTE.

I noticed it felt a little LIGHT, so I opened

up the back of the remote to see if there was a

missing battery.

138

It turns out there weren’t ANY batteries inside,

but there was a note from MOM.

I really didn’t feel like doing chores on a SNOW

DAY, so I looked around the house for some

batteries I could put in the remote. But Mom

must’ve KNOWN I’d do that, because there

wasn’t a spare battery ANYWHERE.

I couldn’t figure out how Mom was gonna know

I loaded the dishwasher, since she wasn’t even

HOME. But when I put in the last plate and

shut the door, I found something.

139

It was another NOTE with a BATTERY taped

to it.

I didn’t like where this was heading. The TV

remote takes FOUR batteries, and at this rate I

was gonna burn through my whole DAY doing chores.

But then I realized I didn’t HAVE to. The

remote in Mom and Dad’s bedroom is really

SKINNY, and I was pretty sure it only took

ONE battery.

140

And it turned out I was RIGHT. I knew I was

gonna have to finish all the chores before Mom

and Dad got home, but I figured I had plenty

of time and I deserved to enjoy myself for a

little while. So I made myself comfortable on their

bed and turned on the TV.

Ordinarily I get a little weirded out being in

Mom and Dad’s bed, but today I decided to make

an exception. ESPECIALLY when I realized one

of their blankets was the one we got from Aunt

Dorothy for Christmas.

Watching TV in bed was AWESOME, or at least

for a WHILE. I was comfortable for the FIRST

two hours, but after that my neck started

hurting from lying in that position.

141

I’ve already decided that when I get a place

of my own, I’m gonna attach my TV to the

CEILING so I can look straight UP at it. But

I’m gonna have someone install the TV who knows

what they’re DOING, because I don’t need to

be the next Flat Stanley.

I must’ve dozed off for a while, because when the

phone rang it startled me. It was MOM, and

I figured she was checking in on me to see if I’d

finished my chores.

But the reason she was calling was to tell me she

couldn’t make it home in time to pick up Manny at

daycare, so she was gonna have Mrs. Drummond

drop Manny off at the HOUSE.

142

That meant I had to BABYSIT, which was

gonna really mess up the rest of my day.

When Mrs. Drummond dropped off Manny a half

hour later, I didn’t know what to DO with

him. I put Manny in Mom and Dad’s room and

turned on some cartoons, but he followed me back

downstairs. So I guess Manny just wanted to be

with ME.

I tried to remember what Rodrick used to do

with me when I was little. But all I could think

of was the time he gave me lemon juice and told me

it was SODA.

143

Then I remembered a game me and Rodrick used

to play that was actually FUN. We pretended

the floor was LAVA, and we had to stay OFF of

it by using cushions and pillows from the couch.

Me and Rodrick used to play that game for

HOURS. I figured if I got Manny started, he

could keep himself entertained while I wrapped up

my chores. But when I told Manny how the game

WORKED, he totally freaked out.

144

So now Manny wouldn’t go anywhere near the

FLOOR. And that made things really inconvenient

for me.

But I still had to do my chores, or I’d be in

trouble when Mom and Dad got home. And I had

a BIG one in front of me, which was shoveling

the driveway.

I knew Manny would have a total meltdown if I

left him inside with all that lava, so I got him

dressed in his snow gear, which wasn’t easy.

I figured Manny could play on the back deck

while I shoveled the driveway, and he’d be safe

because the deck is closed in.

The snow in the driveway was wet and heavy, and

it was hard to make any progress. After a half

hour, I decided to take a break and soak my

hands in some warm water.

While I was inside, I figured I’d check and see

how Manny was doing out on the back deck. But

Manny was GONE. He had built a little staircase

out of snow to escape.

146

Thankfully, he didn’t get FAR. But I realized I

couldn’t leave him ALONE anymore.

I took Manny to the front yard with me. It

was getting late, and Dad gets REALLY mad

when the driveway’s not cleared when he comes

home from work.

So I shoveled as fast as I could, and Manny

pitched in to help.

147

But there was just too much snow, and not

enough TIME. I was ready to give up when some

girls from a different neighborhood walked by and

offered to clear our driveway for ten bucks.

These kids looked YOUNG, and I didn’t see how

they could do any better than me and Manny. But

we could use all the help we could get, so I was

willing to give them a CHANCE.

I had five dollars in the drawer next to my bed,

and I got the other five from the big jar of

change Manny has in his room. But what I didn’t

realize when I agreed to the deal with those girls

was that they had a SNOWBLOWER.

So they were done clearing the whole driveway

inside of five minutes.

I felt like I was getting ripped off, so I told

them I’d pay them three bucks instead of ten.

But I guess this wasn’t the FIRST time someone

tried to stiff them on payment. They moved all

the snow BACK into the driveway and added the

snow from the front lawn just to make a point.

149

By the time my PARENTS got home, things

were worse off than when I STARTED.

After dinner, Mom and Dad lectured me until

about eight o’clock for not finishing my chores.

And that’s when Rodrick got out of bed to

start his day.

150

Saturday

I usually sleep IN on weekends, but this morning

Mom had OTHER plans for me.

She said I was going to spend the whole day

OUTSIDE. I told her I’d go out in the

snow after I played some video games, but she

reminded me about Screen-Free Weekends, and I

knew she wasn’t gonna budge.

When I was younger, I could spend HOURS

playing in the snow. But nowadays, after about

ten minutes, I’m ready to come inside.

Grown-ups act like being in the snow is the most

fun you can ever have. But you never see THEM

out there rolling around in it.

151

I can only remember one time Dad played

with us out in the snow. But THAT ended the

second Rodrick dumped snow down the back of

Dad’s NECK.

Mom’s ALWAYS making us kids go outside,

because she says we need our vitamin D, which you

get from the sun. I tell Mom I get PLENTY

of vitamin D from the sun in my video games, but

that kind of reasoning never works on her.

152

When I went outside today, Manny was

already in the front yard making snowmen, or

WHATEVER you’d call those things.

We never finished raking the lawn in the fall,

so Manny used the leaves we didn’t pick up to

decorate his snow friends.

153

Manny had used up most of the snow in the yard,

so there wasn’t a whole lot I could even DO

outside. I decided to head up to Rowley’s, which

meant I had to pass by FREGLEY’S house.

And sure enough, he was out in his front yard.

The reason I went to Rowley’s was because his family

just got heated floors. So on cold days, I try to

spend as much time at his house as POSSIBLE.

154

But Mom must’ve KNOWN I was gonna go to

Rowley’s, because she called his parents and he was

outside when I got there.

As long as we both had to be outdoors, I figured

we should make the most of it. Since I’d already

done all the hard work of getting up the hill, I

told Rowley we should get in a little sledding.

The plow usually comes through by late morning,

so we can only get in a few good runs before the

street is cleared. But the regular plow guy was

on VACATION, and the kids at the top of the

hill told the SUBSTITUTE driver that Surrey

Street was two miles down the road. So that

bought us some extra time.

155

I don’t actually think it’s a good idea to mess

around with substitutes, because it ALWAYS comes

back to bite you. Last year we had a long-term

sub in Algebra, and on his first day, me and

my classmates all switched seats with each other

because we knew the sub would be relying on the

seating chart.

156

I’ve gotta say, it was pretty hilarious having him

call us by the wrong names every day. But when

the kid pretending to be ME started acting like a

total JERK, it wasn’t so funny anymore.

And when our REAL teacher got back, the sub

gave her a write-up on the FAKE Greg Heffley,

which landed ME in detention for two weeks.

157

Rowley only has one sled, but there’s just enough

room on it for two people. We squeezed on board

and pointed it down the hill, but with all that

weight, we couldn’t really get any momentum.

When we got close to the bottom of the hill, we

came to a dead stop. But that was probably a

GOOD thing, because the kids who made it all the

way down got nailed by the Lower Surrey Street

kids when they crossed into their territory.

158

Things could’ve gotten a lot uglier, but then the

substitute snowplow driver figured out where Surrey

Street was, and that was the end of THAT.

By then I figured we had been outside long enough,

and we tried to go inside. But Mom had locked the

door, and I could tell she wasn’t messing around.

159

Since we couldn’t SLED anymore, we needed to

figure out something ELSE to do. So me and

Rowley went to the empty lot a few doors up from

my house to decide what to do NEXT.

I figured as long as we had to be outside, we

might as well stay WARM. At school, we watched

a movie about people in the Arctic who build

IGLOOS to survive in the cold weather, and I

thought maybe we could give it a try.

We made some snow bricks and stacked them the

way the people in the movie did. It was hard at

first, but then we started getting the HANG of

it. The main thing was getting the shape of the

dome just right so it didn’t COLLAPSE.

160

We were really careful, and everything held

together. But when we put in the last brick at

the top, we realized we forgot to build a DOOR.

Rowley started hyperventilating, and I knew if

I didn’t DO something, he was gonna suck up

all the oxygen in there. So I busted through the

top and took a big gulp of fresh air.

Some neighborhood kids had been watching us

build our igloo, and with my head sticking up, I

must’ve looked like an easy target.

161

After those idiots ran out of snowballs, they

climbed on top of the igloo. But it wasn’t meant

to support any extra weight, and within a few

seconds the whole thing came crashing down.

Me and Rowley were lucky to crawl out of there

ALIVE. Once we pulled ourselves out of our ruined

igloo, I decided that we’d had enough fun for one

day. So we went back to the house, and this time

Mom let us IN.

162

I told Mom what happened at the empty lot,

and how she needed to go out there and yell at

those stupid kids for us.

But Mom said that learning to deal with “conflict”

is part of growing up, and that me and Rowley

were gonna have to deal with this on our OWN.

I didn’t like the sound of THAT. I thought the

whole POINT of having parents is that you’ve

got someone to solve your problems FOR you.

Dad was listening from the other room, and he

had a TOTALLY different take. He said that

the neighborhood kids had just declared WAR on

me and Rowley, and if we didn’t fight BACK,

they’d think it was OK to attack us whenever

they WANTED.

163

Dad said that when HE was growing up, his

neighborhood turned into a BATTLEFIELD every

time it snowed. Kids built giant snow forts and

had epic snowball fights, and everyone was part of

a different “clan.”

Dad said each clan had its own FLAG, and when

you captured somebody else’s fort, you planted a

flag to mark your territory.

Well, Rowley thought WE should form a clan,

and he really liked this FLAG idea. I thought

it seemed kind of DUMB, but as long as making

a flag gave us an excuse to be INDOORS for a

while, I was all for it.

164

We found an old pillowcase in the laundry room,

and got some markers out of the junk drawer

in the kitchen. We started by trying to come up

with a NAME for our clan.

Rowley said he wanted us to be “Hufflepuff,” but

I said if we were gonna do this, I wanted our

name to be something ORIGINAL.

We argued back and forth for a while about our

name, and I realized we weren’t gonna agree on

one. So we talked about how our flag should LOOK.

Rowley wanted our symbol to be a WOLF, but

I wanted something even fiercer than THAT, so

we’d scare kids off. I thought a bloody battle-axe

would do the trick, but of course Rowley didn’t

like that idea. So we compromised and put the two

things TOGETHER.

But when you add an axe and a wolf, you just get a

dead wolf, which isn’t gonna scare ANYONE.

We were going to start over and make a new

flag, but when I got another pillowcase, Mom

told us we needed to go back outside. So we got

on our snow gear and went to the empty lot.

The kids who wrecked our igloo had moved on to

other things, so me and Rowley had the empty

lot all to ourselves. We used the snow from the

igloo as a starting point, and made a fort that

could hold up to an attack.

166

After we were finished, we planted our flag on

top of the wall and WAITED.

I figured our fort might attract some attention,

but I didn’t realize just how MUCH. Within a

few minutes we had kids coming at us from every

DIRECTION.

We were COMPLETELY outgunned, and when

the kids rushed our fort, we had to ABANDON it.

167

When we got back to the house, we told Dad

what happened. But after we described our fort

to him, he said we did everything all WRONG.

He said we needed to build our fort on HIGH

ground so we could drive back our enemies.

Then Dad launched into a big history lesson on

castle warfare and all the things that people did

to defend themselves back in medieval times.

168

The stuff they did in the old days was totally

BRUTAL, and here’s just one example. When

invaders tried to climb the walls of a castle, the

people inside would pour boiling OIL on them.

I hope it doesn’t get to that level in our

neighborhood battles. But tonight, I added an

item to Mom’s grocery list just in case it DOES.

169

Sunday

It must’ve snowed another seven inches last

night, and the street was totally COVERED

when I woke up. I couldn’t even see the line

between our YARD and the ROAD.

I was kind of surprised the plow hadn’t come yet,

because when there’s THIS much snow, people

can’t even get their cars out of their driveways.

But when Dad came back from his morning walk,

I found out what was going on.

170

Dad said that when the plow tried to get up

the hill, it got STUCK. And when the snowplow

driver got ambushed by the neighborhood kids, he

ran off and left the truck sitting in the street.

That meant we could sled all DAY if we wanted to.

But sledding is for KIDS, and I had OTHER

plans in mind.

I’d been up all night looking through Dad’s books

to learn everything I could about castle warfare

and battle strategies. And by the morning, I

was READY.

171

I wanted to get started making a fort with

Rowley right away, but I knew that the second

we put up WALLS, we were gonna be under

ATTACK. The only way we could fight back was

if we had AMMUNITION.

I figured we could buy a big supply of premade

snowballs from Mitchell Pickett, so we went down to

his shed, which was open for business. But I guess

things must’ve gone well for Mitchell last winter,

because THIS year he EXPANDED his operations.

I’d borrowed enough money from Manny’s change

jar to pay for three dozen snowballs, but now

that I saw all this OTHER stuff, I had to

make some tough choices.

172

The Sloppy Specials looked like regular snowballs

to me, so I asked Mitchell why they were five

times more expensive. He said that each one was a

regular snowball with SLUSH on the inside, and

don’t even ask me how he pulled THAT off.

We ended up buying two dozen premade snowballs and

one snowball launcher, which I figured we could use

if we needed to nail somebody from long distance.

But I wish I’d brought the whole jar of change,

because Mitchell was selling a snow catapult that

looked like it could REALLY do some damage.

I’d have to get that another time, though. We

loaded up my sled with our purchases and went

back to the empty lot.

173

But when we got closer, we were SHOCKED by

what we saw. There were a BUNCH of snow forts

in the empty lot now, and there were kids inside

each one.

These kids copied our idea, right down to the

FLAGS. The Marlee sisters had a spear on their

flag, and Evelyn Trimble had a bat on hers. The

Garza twins had a two-headed ogre, which actually

looked pretty cool.

174

There were some really LAME flags, too. Marcus

Marconi’s dad owned the sub shop in the center of

town that went out of business, and Marcus used the

flag that used to hang in front of the restaurant.

I wanted to get closer to see who ELSE made

a fort, but when we got near the empty lot,

Ernesto, Gabriel, and a bunch of OTHER kids

opened FIRE on us.

175

The empty lot was totally overcrowded, and I

knew there was no WAY we could build a snow fort

on the lot now. So our only chance was to take

over someone ELSE’S.

I got some old binoculars from my garage so we

could scope things out without having to get too

CLOSE

.

Things had gotten a lot CRAZIER in the

five minutes we were gone, though. Gabriel and

Ernesto were in a battle with the Marlee sisters,

and a bunch of homeschooled kids were going at

it with the Garza twins.

176

Emilia Greenwall and Evelyn Trimble had teamed

up to fight Anthony Denard and Sheldon

Reyes, and Speed Bump and Latricia Hooks were

straight-up going at it with their FISTS.

But I wasn’t focused on all that. I was searching

for a fort that looked VULNERABLE, and I

FOUND one. The duplex kids had built a pretty

solid-looking fort, but as usual it looked like they

weren’t getting along.

177

I figured they’d wear themselves out fighting,

and when they DID, me and Rowley could

POUNCE. So we moved in a little closer and

waited for the right moment.

That’s when I noticed a fort that didn’t have

anyone IN it. The fort was sitting all alone on

top of a big mound of snow. I remembered what

Dad said about the HIGH ground, and this fort

was in the PERFECT spot.

178

I couldn’t figure out why someone would build a

fort and ABANDON it, but I knew this was our

big chance. So we snuck around it and climbed over

the back wall.

It turned out the fort WASN’T empty,

though. It belonged to BABY GIBSON, who

was inside with a stockpile of snowballs.

But the second we stepped in the fort, it was

under ATTACK.

179

The homeschooled kids must’ve known about the

high-ground thing, too, and now they wanted

the fort for THEMSELVES. But when they

came charging up the mound, we drove them back.

And even Baby Gibson got in on the act.

Then kids started coming for us from every

direction, and it was getting harder and harder

to defend the fort.

The duplex kids split into two groups, and they

came at us from the left AND the right, while

Ernesto and Gabriel started using snowball

throwers to snipe at us from THEIR fort.

180

And while we were trying to deal with all THAT,

some little kid from Mrs. Jimenez’s playgroup

tunneled up through the bottom of our fort and

TOTALLY took us off guard.

The next thing we knew, our fort was totally

infested with PRESCHOOLERS. And to cap it

all off, the Marlee sisters did a sneak attack from

the rear, which was terrifying, because those girls

go for the EYES.

181

Me and Rowley got driven out of the fort and

onto the open battlefield, where it was just total

MAYHEM. Everyone was fighting everyone ELSE,

and any sense of order was just GONE.

Then something happened that made everyone

STOP. Joe O’Rourke got hit in the mouth with

an ice ball and lost a couple of TEETH.

182

In our neighborhood, ice balls are on the “banned”

list in snowball fights. So when somebody crossed

that line, everybody knew things had gone too far.

Representatives from all the clans had a meeting

in the center of the empty lot to settle on the

RULES

.

Everyone agreed that ice balls were off-limits,

and so was yellow snow. We came up with a bunch of

OTHER rules, too, like how it’s not OKto stuff

snow in someone’s hat and then put it back on

their head.

Once we agreed on everything, we were ready for

the next round of battle.

183

But while we were doing all that TALKING, we

didn’t notice what was happening right BEHIND us.

The Lower Surrey Street kids had snuck up to

the top of the hill with their sleds, and by then,

there was nothing we could do to STOP them.

Now, if there’s ONE thing that unites us hill

kids, it’s when the kids from the BOTTOM of

the hill try to take what’s OURS. We don’t have

much, but we have the HILL, and no one’s gonna

take that from us.

As long as the plow was stuck, we knew those

guys were just gonna keep COMING.

184

So we decided to DO something about it.

The only way to keep the Lower Surrey Street

kids from coming back up the hill was to build a

WALL to block their path. And we didn’t wanna

build some puny wall they could just push over,

either. We wanted something that was SOLID.

But we needed to make it FAST, because those

guys were already marching back up the hill with

their sleds. So we got recycling bins from some

nearby houses and started BUILDING.

We made it a DOUBLE wall, so if anyone broke

through the first layer, they’d still have to deal

with the SECOND one. And we stockpiled a

TON of snowballs.

185

We weren’t gonna be able to get boiling oil, so I

sent Rowley up to his house to fill some thermoses

with hot chocolate.

The homeschooled kids went out and collected icicles

to stick into the wall, and the duplex kids threw

together some snowmen to make it seem like there

were more of us than there actually WERE.

And when the Lower Surrey Street kids came

BACK, we were READY for them.

When those guys saw our WALL, they didn’t

know what to DO.

186

And when they got CLOSER, we hit them with

everything we had.

Those guys didn’t stand a CHANCE. We

sent them running back down the hill, and we

celebrated our victory.

But we celebrated too SOON. Ten minutes later,

the Lower Surrey Street kids were BACK.

187

And this time they were armed to the TEETH.

Most of them were wearing sports gear to protect

themselves from our snowballs. And the moment

I knew this wasn’t gonna be an easy fight was

when one of them threw a HOCKEY STICK.

But still WE were the ones with the WALL, and

we had the higher ground.

188

So we unleashed another round of snowballs.

We held them off for a while, but those guys

had some surprises up their sleeves. They hit us

with a round of Sloppy Specials, which we were

TOTALLY unprepared for.

If the Lower Surrey Street kids had Sloppy

Specials, that meant Mitchell Pickett was playing

both SIDES.

189

But we’d have to deal with him LATER, because

now we had a NEW problem.

It turned out the Sloppy Specials were just a

distraction to draw our attention away from the

NEXT wave of attack, which was coming at us

FAST

.

We hit the kids carrying ladders with snowballs,

but before we knew it, they’d planted their

ladders at the base of the wall and had started

climbing their way UP it.

But Rowley came back with the hot chocolate just

in the nick of time.

We emptied the thermoses out on the kids scaling

the wall. Unfortunately, Rowley hadn’t added any

WATER to the hot chocolate mix, so all it did

was ANNOY them.

I thought those guys were about to take control

of the wall, but then Latricia Hooks and Speed

Bump saved the day by dumping trash cans full of

SLUSH on them.

191

We didn’t have a second to celebrate, though,

because the Lower Surrey Street kids were already

launching their next attack.

Half the fifth-grade football team lives at the

bottom of the hill, and they tried to take down

the wall with brute FORCE.

But the wall held UP, and those guys wore

themselves out with the effort.

By now, EVERYONE was tired. The sun was

out, and it was actually starting to get WARM.

I really wished I hadn’t worn my thermal

underwear, because I was ROASTING with those

extra layers.

192

The Lower Surrey Street kids kept coming at us,

and we kept driving them BACK. And after a

while, NOBODY had the energy to keep fighting.

Finally, the other team turned around and went

back home. At first we thought that meant we

had WON. But those guys weren’t giving up.

They were just REFUELING.

By now it was lunchtime, and the kids at

the bottom of the hill came back outside with

sandwiches and snacks.

And when some kid started handing out JUICE

BOXES, it was a little hard to watch.

193

We were all pretty thirsty on the wall, and it was

only getting HOTTER.

Some kids started sucking on SNOWBALLS to

stay hydrated, and they got through half of

our stockpile before the rest of us realized what

was happening.

We did an inventory of what we had left, and we

knew we didn’t have enough to fight off a major

assault. So we split our remaining snowballs into

thirds and put Anthony Denard in charge of

protecting them.

We kept waiting for the next attack from the

Lower Surrey Street kids, but it never came.

194

After a while we realized their strategy was to

wait us out until we CRACKED, and then take

our wall without a fight.

Pervis Gentry was the first one on our side to

break. He hadn’t even had BREAKFAST this

morning, so the sight of all those sandwich crusts

lying on the ground made him CRAZY.

He climbed over the wall and ran down the hill,

and that was the last any of us saw of him.

But the REST of us hill kids kept it together.

Three HOURS went by, but the Lower Surrey

Street kids weren’t BUDGING.

195

In fact, they looked like they were settling in for

the NIGHT.

A few of them had strung extension cords to

their houses, so now they had ELECTRICITY.

And we could see the glow of their TV sets from

where WE were.

Things were going from bad to worse on the wall.

A lot of the younger kids were tired and hungry

and wanted to go HOME. And I couldn’t blame

them, because by now, it was DINNERTIME.

Jacob Hoff said he was supposed to have a

clarinet lesson at six o’clock, and if he missed it his

parents would be mad. And the rest of us could

understand that kind of thing.

196

Jacob’s house was just a few doors down, and we

told him if he made a run for it, we’d give him

COVER. He promised that the second his clarinet

lesson was over, he’d come back to the wall with

his coat pockets stuffed with granola bars and

fruit chews.

That got everybody pretty excited, and we helped

Jacob over the wall. Sure enough, as soon as he

touched down on the other side, the Lower Surrey

Street kids opened fire on him. But we fired

BACK and got Jacob to his front door safely.

It turned out it was a wasted effort, though.

The thing about the clarinet lesson was just an

excuse to go home, and when we saw Jacob in his

bedroom window, we knew he was never coming

back with those SNACKS.

197

After that, the mood inside the wall was really

GRIM. Some kids were crying, and I didn’t see

how we could hold out much longer.

The Lower Surrey Street kids must’ve known

they had us on the ropes, because that’s when

they launched paper airplanes into our fort with

NOTES written on them.

198

That was too much for some kids to take. Even

Baby Gibson seemed shaken up, so I guess now we

know he can READ.

A few minutes later, a kid came running toward

us from between a couple of houses to the right

of our fort, and we got ready to pelt him with a

round of snowballs.

But somebody RECOGNIZED the kid, and we

held our fire. It was TREVOR NIX, who used

to live on the hill.

199

Trevor was out of breath, and could barely get his

words out. So we pulled him up onto the wall and

waited for him to calm down.

After Trevor got himself together, he told us

what was going on. He said the Lower Surrey

Street kids had been holding him CAPTIVE, but

he managed to ESCAPE.

Trevor said those guys were planning something

really BAD, and he wanted to tell us before it

was too LATE.

He said the Lower Surrey Street kids were creating

a HUGE stockpile of snowballs, and when it got

dark they were gonna launch a full-scale attack.

But that wasn’t even the WORST part.

200

Those guys were making their snowballs in the

GUZMANS’ yard, and that’s the place with all

the DOGS. So that meant they were using

YELLOW SNOW and who knows what ELSE.

Everyone was pretty mad about what the Lower

Surrey Street kids were planning, but we were glad

Trevor gave us the heads-up. We told him that

from now on, he could sled on our hill ANY time.

We agreed we couldn’t just sit there and wait for

the attack, so we started working on a PLAN.

Half of us would sneak down the hill and launch a

SURPRISE attack on the kids making snowballs

in the Guzmans’ yard. The OTHER half would

stay back to protect the fort. We sketched the

plan into the snow with a stick to make sure we

were all on the same page.

201

Me and Rowley wanted to be a part of the

ACTION, so we chose to be on the sneak attack

team. Our group loaded up a few sleds with all the

snowballs we had left, and we slipped over the

back wall and between some houses.

202

It was getting dark now, so we knew those guys

wouldn’t be able to see us coming.

When we got to the Guzmans’ backyard, we stopped

to scope out the scene. Sure enough, there was

a big group of kids making snowballs out front

behind a rock wall.

When Baby Gibson gave the signal, we launched

our attack.

203

But the other guys didn’t even FLINCH when we

hit them. And as we got closer, we realized it was

all just a TRICK.

The Lower Surrey Street kids had created

DECOYS to split us up, which meant we’d been

double-crossed by TREVOR NIX. We rushed

back to the wall, but by then it was already too

LATE.

204

The wall was in RUINS, and we were out of

ammo. It looked really bad for us hill kids, but

then something happened that gave us HOPE.

A group of kids was marching up the hill toward

us, and when they got closer I realized it was

the SAFETY PATROLS. For a brief second, I

thought they were there to SAVE us.

But they weren’t there to help ANYONE. They

were there for REVENGE.

Usually, the Safety Patrols aren’t allowed to

throw snowballs, but today was a SUNDAY. And

that meant they were free to do whatever they

WANTED.

205

Half the girls on the Safety Patrols are on the

SOFTBALL team, and anybody who says girls

can’t throw hard doesn’t know what they’re

TALKING about.

The battle turned into the Surrey Street kids

versus the Safety Patrols, and we outnumbered them

two to one. But then half the girls on our street

switched SIDES, and it got really confusing.

In the middle of all this, ANOTHER group

came down from the TOP of the hill. It was the

WHIRLEY STREET kids, who must’ve gotten

kicked off the golf course and came to sled on our

street. And once THEY got into the mix, it was

just a total FREE-FOR-ALL.

Just when things couldn’t get any CRAZIER,

a terrifying sound cut through the air, and

everyone stopped to figure out what it WAS. The

only ones on the street who knew for SURE were

me and Rowley.

Then the MINGO kids started pouring out of

the woods, looking like they’d just woken up from a

three-month NAP.

209

The last Mingo to emerge was MECKLEY. He

was carrying something on top of a STICK, and at

first I couldn’t tell what it was. But when he got

CLOSER, I realized it was MR. MORSELS.

Meckley wasn’t wearing his BELT, which I thought

was strange. But seeing that made me remember

something, and I reached into my coat pocket and

pulled out something cold and metal.

210

When me and Rowley were in the Mingos’ camp,

I must’ve put the belt buckle in my pocket

without even REALIZING it. And now I was in

a panic, because that meant Meckley Mingo was

coming for ME.

But the only thing kids in my town hate more than

each OTHER is the MINGOS. So when the

Mingos charged, everyone turned to FACE them.

Well, everyone except ME. At that point I’d

had ENOUGH.

When the Mingos came at us, I looked for a good

place to HIDE.

211

There was a big hole in a collapsed section of the

wall, so I dove inside, and Rowley was right behind

me. The battle raged all around us, and I didn’t

see how we were gonna get out of this one ALIVE.

Rowley didn’t think we were gonna make it,

either. He told me that if I survived but he

DIDN’T, I could have all of his video games.

I patted myself down to see if I had a pen so he

could put that in WRITING, but all I had on me

was that stupid belt buckle.

212

It didn’t matter anyway, because five seconds later

the ground started shaking, and it felt like we

were in an EARTHQUAKE.

I thought we were gonna be buried ALIVE, and

all I could think of is how the two of us were

gonna end up in a MUSEUM after they dug us

out in a couple thousand years.

213

But then the ground stopped shaking, and after

a few seconds we popped our heads out of our

hiding spot to see what was happening.

The snowplow was three-quarters of the way up

the street, mowing through everything in its path.

And I don’t know if the snowplow driver couldn’t

SEE the kids in the road or just didn’t CARE.

By now, the snow was melting, and everything

was turning to SLUSH. And once the plow left

our street, it was QUIET.

214

The crazy thing is, now that the street was

plowed, there wasn’t really anything left to FIGHT

over, and everyone picked themselves up and went

back HOME. Even the Mingo kids went back to

where they came from.

And the truth is, I couldn’t really remember what

we were all fighting over to BEGIN with.

215

Friday

We’ve been back at school for a week, and it’s

warmed up a LOT in the past few days. I don’t

want to curse it or anything, but I think we

might’ve seen the last of the cold weather.

So I’m not really worried about the PIG anymore.

In fact, he’s probably somewhere warm by now,

having the time of his life.

There’s still some snow on the ground in my

neighborhood, so Mitchell Pickett’s been enjoying

the snowmobile he bought with all the money he

made this winter.

216

So anybody who says that war doesn’t PAY should

think AGAIN.

Mitchell’s not the ONLY one who made out,

though. Trevor Nix has been playing hockey down

at the bottom of the hill with the Lower Surrey

Street kids every day after school. So I guess

that’s what you get for being a TRAITOR.

217

But I’m not gonna complain. I’m just glad I

made it through the winter without getting myself

KILLED.

The thing I learned about myself is that I’m

just not the HERO type. Trust me, I’m glad

there are people like that out there, but the

world needs guys like ME, too.

Because if human beings are still around 500

million years from now, it’s gonna be thanks to

the Greg Heffleys of the world who figured out a

way to SURVIVE.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to everyone at Abrams, especially Charlie Kochman, who

makes every book better. Big thanks to Michael Jacobs, Andrew

Smith, Chad W. Beckerman, Liz Fithian, Hallie Patterson, Steve

Tager, Melanie Chang, Mary O’Mara, Alison Gervais, and Elisa

Garcia. Thanks also to Susan Van Metre and Steve Roman.

Thanks to the great Wimpy Kid team: Shaelyn Germain, Anna

Cesary, and Vanessa Jedrej. Thanks to Deb Sundin and the staff at

An Unlikely Story.

Thanks to Rich Carr and Andrea Lucey for your support and

friendship. Thanks to Paul Sennott for all your help. Thanks to Sylvie

Rabineau and Keith Fleer for everything you do for me.

Thanks to Jess Brallier for your mentorship and for getting me

started as an author.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and a six-

time Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award winner for Favorite Book.

Jeff has been named one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential

People in the World. He is also the creator of Poptropica, which was

named one of Time’s 50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in

the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff

lives with his wife and two sons in Massachusetts, where they own

a bookstore, An Unlikely Story.