JUNE

Friday

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my years

of being a kid, it’s that you have ZERO control

over your own life.

Ever since school let out, I haven’t had anything

I’ve needed to DO or anywhere I’ve needed to

BE. As long as the air-conditioning was working

and the TV remote had batteries in it, I was all

set for a relaxing summer vacation.

But then, out of the blue, THIS happened—

PACK YOUR BAGS.
WE’RE GOING ON
A ROAD TRIP!

This isn’t the FIRST time Mom has sprung a trip

on us without any warning. Last year on the first

day of summer, she said we were going upstate

for a few days to visit Aunt Loretta at the

nursing home.

It wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun way to kick

off the summer. One time when we visited Aunt

Loretta, her roommate grabbed me and wouldn’t let

go until a staffer gave her a chocolate chip muffin.

But Mom was just bluffing about going to the

nursing home. At breakfast the next morning, she

told us where we were REALLY going.

HAPPENINGS

STAFF ONLY

2

Me and my brother Rodrick were happy, because

we were both dreading spending the first week

of summer vacation playing shuffleboard at a

nursing home.

But when my little brother, Manny, heard about

the change in plans, he totally LOST it. Mom

had talked up the Aunt Loretta trip so much

that Manny was actually EXCITED about going.

WE’RE GOING
TO DISNEY
WORLD!

3

We ended up POSTPONING our trip to Disney

so we could visit Aunt Loretta. You’d think Mom

would’ve learned her lesson about surprise trips

after THAT one.

I know EXACTLY where this road trip idea

came from, because the new issue of “Family Frolic”

magazine came in the mail today.

If I had to guess, I’d say 90% of everything

we do as a family comes from ideas Mom gets from

that magazine. And when I saw the latest issue,

I knew it was gonna get Mom’s wheels turning.

SLIDE

4

I've flipped through “Family Frolic” a few times,

and I have to admit, the pictures always make

everything look like a lot of fun.

Family Frolic

ADVENTURE AWAITS!

TAKE THE ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP!

Your Perfect

FAMILY

BARBECUE!

Summer’s here and it’s time
to break out the grill and fill
the cooler with drinks. What
better way to celebrate the

sunshine than with a good
old-fashioned barbecue?
Follow out tips for a day
you and your family won’t
soon forget!

But there must be something wrong with OUR
family, because we can never measure up to the
ones they show in the magazine.

I guess Mom’s not giving up, though. She said
this road trip is gonna be awesome and that
spending a lot of time together in the car will be
a “bonding” experience for the whole family.

I tried to talk her into letting us do something
NORMAL, like going to a water park for the
day, but Mom didn’t want to hear it.

#$%#
$#?@!!!

BUZZ

BUZZ

SPLOOSH

6

She said the whole point of this trip is to do
things we’ve never done before and to have
“authentic” experiences.

I thought Mom would’ve looped Dad in about her
road trip idea, but apparently I was wrong.
Because when he got home from work, he seemed
just as surprised as us kids.

Dad told Mom it was a bad time to be away from
work and he didn’t want to use his vacation days
unless he absolutely HAD to. But Mom said there’s
nothing more important than spending time with
your family.

7

Then Dad told Mom he was really hoping to get
his BOAT out on the water this weekend, and if
we went on a road trip, he wouldn’t be able to.

Mom and Dad get along pretty well in general,
but the one thing that’s guaranteed to cause a
fight between them is Dad’s boat.

A few years ago, Mom sent Dad out to get some
milk, but along the way he spotted a boat for sale
in someone’s front yard. And before you knew it,
the boat was in our driveway.

Mom was mad that Dad didn’t check with her
first, because having a boat is a ton of work.

8

But Dad said it was always his dream to own a
boat and that we could spend every weekend out
on the water as a family.

So Dad got to KEEP the boat, and he seemed
really happy. But things went downhill fast.

A few days later, some people from the
Homeowners’ Association knocked on our door.

9

They said there were rules in our neighborhood
against having a boat parked in front of your
house and told Dad he had to move it to the back.

The boat sat in the backyard for the whole
summer because Dad was too busy and didn’t have
time to use it. Then, in the fall, one of Dad’s
coworkers told him he’d have to WINTERIZE
the boat to protect it from the cold weather.

Dad found out it would cost more to winterize the
boat than it cost him to BUY it, so he decided
he’d take his chances. And sure enough, two
weeks later, when the temperature dropped below
freezing, a big crack appeared in the hull.

10

When it started to snow, Dad rolled the boat
under the back deck, and it sat there all winter.
In the spring, Mom started using it to store all
sorts of junk from the house.

The next summer, Dad decided he was gonna fix
the boat.

11

But when he went to pull it out from under the
deck, he discovered a family of raccoons living in
our old washing machine.

Dad called an exterminator to get rid of the
raccoons, but when he heard how much THAT was
gonna cost, he decided to take care of it himself.

By then Manny had heard about the baby
raccoons living in the washing machine, and Mom
had to step in.

HISSSSSSSS

SCREAMM!!!

12

The boat’s been sitting there ever since. I haven’t
heard any scurrying sounds coming from under the
deck for a while, so I’m guessing the raccoons
moved out.

Today, Mom told Dad he had the whole rest of
the summer to get his boat out on the water, and
he pretty much gave up after that.

Mom said we were gonna leave first thing in the
morning, so we needed to start packing for
the trip. She told everyone to bring the “bare
essentials” so we could fit everything in the minivan.

COO

13

But by the time we got all our stuff out in the
driveway, it was pretty clear we had a space problem.

Mom started going through everything and
sorting it into two piles — the things we needed
and the things we didn’t. Rodrick was pretty
disappointed when some of his “essentials” didn’t
make the cut.

14

Mom made me leave a bunch of small stuff behind,
which seemed pretty ridiculous considering that
Manny’s plastic potty was coming along for the ride.

Whenever we take a trip that’s longer than
fifteen minutes, Mom brings Manny's potty “just
in case.” But I get really uncomfortable whenever
Manny uses it.

Mom wouldn’t let me and Rodrick take any
electronics on the trip, even though they barely
take up any space.

PUSSSHHHH!

15

She’s always saying kids these days don’t know
how to socialize because they’ve constantly got
their noses two inches from a screen.

But I’ll tell you this: When I have kids, I’m
gonna let them play with whatever kind of gadget
they WANT. If you ask me, electronics are the
key to family happiness.

Even after Mom went through every single item in
the driveway and cut out all the things we didn’t
need, there was STILL way too much to fit in
the van.

I suggested we rent one of those giant recreational
vehicles, because we could fit all our stuff in it and
have room to spare.

TAP

TAP
TAP

BLEEP BLIP
BLOOP

CLINK

BLEEP
BLURP
BLOP

16

The way I see it, if you want the whole family to
get along, everyone needs their own space. And
with one of those souped-up RVs, we could spend
WEEKS on the road without even bumping into
one another.

But Mom said RVs are too expensive and they
get terrible gas mileage, so that put an end to
that idea.

Rodrick said maybe we could get one of those
trailers you tow BEHIND the car, which sounded
smart to me.

ZZZZ

17

But it was pretty clear Rodrick was imagining
the trailer as a sort of mini-apartment for
HIMSELF, so that wasn’t gonna fly, either.

Then Dad rang in with his OWN idea. He said we
could solve the whole space issue by just putting
the stuff that didn’t fit in the van into the
BOAT, which we could tow behind us.

I think Mom realized there wasn’t really another
option, so she caved in. But getting the boat into
the driveway was easier said than done.

CHIPS

18

Not only did we have to take all the junk out of
the boat, but it turned out there was a TREE
growing through the bottom. It took three hours
to get the boat out from under the deck, and
let me just say Mom did not exactly go out of her
way to help.

After we got the boat into the driveway, Dad
patched up the hole in the bottom and the crack
in the hull with some duct tape.

I just hope we’re not going anywhere near water
on this trip, though.

SAW

SAW

19

Because as far as I know, the boat didn’t come
with any life preservers.

Even with the added space we got from the boat,
the minivan was still pretty full. I snuck my pillow
on board at the last second, because I decided I
was entitled to at least ONE luxury item.

I figured Rodrick would want to sit in the back
of the van, because whenever we go anywhere as a
family, he likes to stretch out and take a nap.

Every once in a while we’ll forget Rodrick is even
back there.

Saturday

20

This Easter, we made it halfway through church
before Mom realized Rodrick never made it out of
the van.

Back when we had a station wagon, me and
Rodrick used to sit in the way back TOGETHER,
in a seat that faced the rear window. But we got
in big trouble when we played a practical joke on
Mom and Dad that ended up getting us pulled
over by the police.

When we got in the van today, Rodrick offered
me the backseat.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

ZZZZ

STOP

These
people
are

kidnapping
us!

21

I accepted before he could change his mind, but I
should’ve known his offer was too good to be true.

Before we pulled out of the driveway, Mom said
we were taking a “special guest” along for the
ride. For a second I was worried we were picking
someone ELSE up, because with all our stuff in
the van they’d have to sit on the ROOF.

But Mom opened her purse and pulled out a piece
of paper with a drawing on it.

PULL

22

The drawing was Flat Stanley, a character from a
book I read in second grade.

Flat Stanley is a boy who gets squashed by a
bulletin board that falls off his bedroom wall in
the middle of the night.

And when they pull the bulletin board off him,
he’s as thin as a piece of paper.

23

I thought it was pretty cool that Flat Stanley
could fold himself up and get mailed to his
grandma’s, or have his brother fly him like a kite.

But I’ll tell you this: If Flat Stanley had
a brother like RODRICK, I guarantee he
wouldn’t survive a whole day.

SCREAMMM!!!

SHREDDER

24

I really liked the book, but it kind of freaked me
out, too. One thing it did was give me a deathly
fear of bulletin boards.

In second grade, everyone in my class had to
color in a cutout of Flat Stanley and mail him to
a friend or relative who lived far away.

Then that person was supposed to take a picture
of Flat Stanley in front of something interesting
and mail him back with the photo.

I

PUPPIES

ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON’T WANT
THE BED? IT’S A
LOT MORE COMFY!

THAT’S OK,
YOU TAKE
IT!

25

My friend Rowley sent Flat Stanley to a bunch
of his relatives and got lots of cool pictures
back. Rowley even sent him to his uncle who lives
in Asia, and he took a picture of Flat Stanley in
front of the Great Wall of China.

Well, the first person Mom sent MY Flat Stanley
to was her cousin Stacey, who lives out in Seattle.
But she probably wasn’t the best choice.

Stacey is one of those people who hoard all sorts
of stuff, like newspapers and magazines, so Mom
should’ve known that once her cousin got her
hands on Flat Stanley he wasn’t coming back.

26

Today, Mom said she was gonna take photos
of our new Flat Stanley in front of all the cool
places we visit and then make a scrapbook of our
trip. And as soon as we got on the highway, she
started snapping pictures. But she was probably
a little too eager, because her first few pictures
weren’t exactly keepers.

STUFF

27

When Mom wasn’t taking pictures, Flat Stanley
was taped to the front air-conditioning vent.
All I can say is, he was having a lot better ride
than I was. The windows in the back of the van
don’t open, and the vents were blocked by all
our luggage, so I wasn’t getting ANY cold air.

What made me even MORE uncomfortable was the
fact that Mom was in control of the trip. Mom
always tries to make things about education, and
I knew she was gonna turn this experience into
one long lesson.

She’s been doing that ever since I was little. I
remember when I got scratched by Gramma’s cat
and Mom tried to turn it into a “teaching moment.”

C-A-T.
CAT!

28

Sure enough, a half hour into the trip today,
Mom started in with the educational stuff.

She had borrowed a bunch of CDs from the library
that teach Spanish, and said we’d use the long
stretches on the road to learn a new language as
a family.

Mom’s always saying that learning a foreign
language is the best thing you can do for your
brain. That might be true, but I think she should
leave the actual TEACHING to the schools.

¡HOLA!

LEARN TO
SPEAK
SPANISH
FLUENTLY

29

Mom decided it would be a good idea to expose me
to a foreign language early on, so when I was in
first grade, she would put the Spanish-speaking
channels on TV while we ate breakfast.

Mom would repeat whatever they said on the
television, but when SHE said the words they
came out a little bit different.

I ended up learning all sorts of phrases that
weren’t right. For example, the way you’re
SUPPOSED to say “What’s your name” in
Spanish is “Cómo te llamas.” Well, I know that
NOW because I learned it in my middle school
Spanish class.

TENGO
HAMBRE!

TANGO
HAMBURGERS!

30

But when I was little, Mom taught me that
“What’s your name” in Spanish is “Te amo,” which
ACTUALLY means “I love you.” I just wish
I had known that before I said it to a million
different people.

Today, Mom played the first two Spanish CDs,
but she got frustrated that no one seemed to be
paying attention. So she switched gears and said
we were gonna play a car game she read about in
her magazine.

JUAN’S

TE AMO.
TE AMO!

31

The game was called Alphabet Groceries, and you
play it like this: The first player has to name an
item you can get at the grocery store that starts
with the letter “A.” The next person has to come
up with an item that starts with “B,” and so on.

If a player CAN’T come up with an item that
starts with their letter, they’re out of the game.

Mom said I should go first, so I said “apple,”
which I guess was kind of an obvious choice.
Rodrick was up next, but he said he couldn’t come
up with any food that started with “B.”

I’m pretty sure he was lying to get out of having
to play the game, but with Rodrick, you never know.

HMMM...

32

When Rodrick got knocked out, the turn went to
Manny, who came up with his word right away.

Mom started clapping, but I pointed out that
“bapple” isn’t a real word. She said Manny is just
learning the alphabet and that we all need to
“encourage” him.

I quit in protest, and from then on it was only
Manny, Mom, and Dad playing. I really wished
my earplugs weren’t buried in my duffel bag under
a pile of suitcases, because the next hour and a
half was pretty painful.

BAPPLE!

ZAPPLE!

YAYYY!

33

All that talk of food was actually getting me kind
of hungry, and when I saw a sign for a drive-
through place at the next exit, I asked Mom if
we could pull over. But Mom said we wouldn’t be
stopping at any of THOSE kinds of restaurants,
because they don’t serve “real food.”

She said fast-food places lure kids in with cheap
plastic toys to trick them into eating sugar and
fat, and we weren’t gonna fall into that trap.
Mom said she had a MUCH better alternative and
handed me a lunch bag with my name on it.

Gregory

MOMMY MEAL

NUTRITIOUS

FOOD!

FUN

ACTIVITIES!

ALL MIXED UP

Unscramble the words to
find the wacky phrase!

MESUMR ELRIANGN
SI NFU!

TOO PUNNY

Q. Why did the

rabbit like

Watership Down?

A. It was a “hare-

raising” tale!

NAME THAT NOBEL PRIZE WINNER!

34

Mom said she got the Mommy Meal idea from
“Family Frolic,” which I guess should not have
come as a surprise.

Inside the bag was a tuna fish sandwich,
an orange, and a little carton of milk, plus
something wrapped in tinfoil.

Mom said I had to eat my fruit before I
unwrapped the tinfoil, because that was my “prize.”

But I wish I had just opened it right away,
because I wouldn’t have eaten the whole orange
if I’d known the prize was a pack of math
flash cards.

Rodrick got flash cards in HIS lunch, too, and
we could both see where this was headed. So before
Mom could turn the next hour of the trip into a
tutoring session, I pulled out one of the games
Mom had packed in a big tote bag.

35

The game I grabbed was called “I Must Confess,”
and when Mom saw it she got so excited she forgot
all about the flash cards.

I read the rules, which were pretty simple: One
person takes a card from the deck and reads it
out loud to everyone else.

If one of the players has done the thing that’s
written on the card, they earn a point. And the
first player to get ten points wins.

I was a little skeptical at first, but I have to
admit, the game was actually kind of FUN. I
learned a lot of things about Mom and Dad I
never knew before.

I Must Confess...

... I’VE MET A

FAMOUS PERSON.

36

I found out that Dad had a pet chameleon when
he was a kid and that Mom dyed her hair blond
once, which really surprised me.

Believe it or not, even RODRICK was getting
into the game. He got a point for being the only
person who’d ever slept out overnight for tickets
to a concert, and ANOTHER point for getting
a bug stuck in his ear, which I remember like it
was yesterday.

MEDICAL
WASTE

37

Dad and Rodrick were neck and neck with nine
points, and whoever scored next would win the
game. Mom seemed really happy everyone was
getting along and having fun.

Then she pulled a new card out of the deck and
read it.

I’m pretty sure Mom thought no one was gonna
get a point on that card, because she was already
reaching for the next one. But Rodrick started
acting like he had just won the lottery.

I MUST CONFESS
I’VE TOILET-PAPERED
A NEIGHBOR’S
HOUSE!

I WIN!
I WIN!

38

Mom thought Rodrick was lying to get a point,
but he told her it was TRUE. He said that a
few months ago, he and his bandmates toilet-
papered Mrs. Tuttle’s house next door after she

called the police to complain they were making too

much noise rehearsing.

Rodrick thought the whole thing was pretty
funny, but Mom didn’t seem amused.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU AND TWO OF YOUR
BANDMATES TOILET-
PAPERED AN ELDERLY
WOMAN’S HOUSE?

39

If I was Rodrick, I would’ve changed my story
real quick and said I was just joking around to
win the game. But Rodrick didn’t seize his chance
to bail out.

Mom had Dad pull over to the side of the road,
then handed Rodrick her phone and made him call
Mrs. Tuttle to apologize, which was awkward for
everyone in the car.

After that, it was quiet in the van for a long
time. Mom was about to pop the next Spanish CD
in the stereo, but luckily Manny had fallen asleep
by then, so she couldn’t.

NO, THERE
WERE FOUR
OF US!

I’M SORRY FOR
TOILET-PAPERING
YOUR HOUSE...

...MA’AM.

40

If you wake Manny up in the middle of one of
his naps, he’ll go completely ballistic, and there’s
NO calming him down. So whenever Manny falls
asleep, Mom and Dad do everything they can to
KEEP him that way.

I was big on naps when I was Manny’s age, too.
I used to take an hour-long nap after lunch
every day, and when I started preschool, we had
an official nap time where everyone pulled out a
mat and slept on the floor.

HEY, HAS
ANYONE
SEEN MY—

SHHHHHHH!!!

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

AHHHHH!

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

41

If you ask me, I think they should give kids nap
time all the way through college. But they stop
doing it after preschool, which I found out the
HARD way.

On the first day of kindergarten, after we had our
snacks, I asked the teacher where the mats were,
so we could lie down and recharge our batteries.

But she said kindergartners don’t HAVE nap time,
and I thought she was just making a funny joke.

YEAH,
RIGHT!

42

A few minutes later the whole class was making
paper bag puppets. Apparently, I was the only
one who didn’t get the heads-up about the no-nap
thing, because for the rest of the day everyone
else seemed fine, while I could barely function.

I’m glad Mom remembered to bring a pacifier on
the trip, because as long as Manny’s got one stuck
in his mouth, he can sleep through just about
anything. Manny lost his favorite pacifier last
night, but Dad ran out to get a new one at a
store near our house that sells gag gifts.

TRUDGE
TRUDGE

43

I guess it looks a little strange, but it works
just as well as a regular one.

Manny had been sleeping peacefully for about an
hour today when we stopped at a tollbooth. Dad
rolled down his window to get a ticket, and the
guy in the booth had such a loud voice he sounded
like he was speaking through a MEGAPHONE.

SUCK
SUCK
SUCK

HOPE Y’ALL ARE
HAVIN’ AN
AWESOME DAY!

CARS $1.00
TRUCKS $1.50

BUSES $3.00

44

Manny started to fuss, and his pacifier came
halfway out of his mouth. But luckily Rodrick
reacted quickly, and Manny fell back asleep.

I think Mom was a little frustrated that Manny
was napping in the first place. She had marked a
bunch of places on her map where she wanted us
to stop and get out for some sightseeing, but now
we had to keep driving.

The problem I had with Manny’s nap was that I
really needed to get out of the car and stretch,
but I COULDN’T.

SPLOOK

ZZZZ

45

I tried to make myself comfortable, but with all
the stuff piled around me, it was impossible.

Luckily, my backpack was in arm’s reach behind my
seat, because it had some books and other things
I’d brought to entertain myself.

Mom’s always trying to get me to read stuff
that’s “enriching,” but when it comes to books,
I know what I like. And ever since elementary
school, my favorite books have been the ones in
the Underpants Bandits series.

The Underpants Bandits books are about these
two kids named Bryce and Brody who go back in
time and steal underwear from famous people so
they can put the underpants in a museum.

46

I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, but the
books are actually pretty funny.

Underpants
Bandits

By Mik
Davies

SWIPE!

And just as Van Gogh returned to
his masterpiece, Bryce snatched
the painter’s favorite pair of
boxers, which, thank goodness,
were clean.

47

The books are super popular with boys at my
school, but the teachers HATE them because of
all the “rude humor.”

Whenever a book report was due in fifth grade,
all the boys in my class did theirs on one of the
Underpants Bandits books. And that made my
teacher, Mrs. Terry, hate them even MORE.

Our class had a project where we had to write a
letter to our favorite author, and of course all
the boys chose Mik Davies.

Underpants

Bandits and

Shakespeare’s

Skivvies

Luke Howells

Underpants

Bandits

and

Napoleon’s

Britches

Matt Trask

48

But Mrs. Terry said we had to pick someone
ELSE, so I grabbed a random book from the
library and wrote my letter to an author I’d
never even heard of before.

March 30th

Dear Nathaniel,

My teacher made us write to an author,
so I picked you. I have not read any of
your books (no offense).

Here are my questions for you:

1. What’s your favorite color?

2. What’s your favorite animal?

3. What’s your favorite flavor of ice
cream?

4. What’s your favorite super-hero
movie?

I would appreciate it if you could
answer me soon, because I am getting
graded on this.

Sincerely,

Greg Heffley

49

But I probably should’ve checked the year the
book was written before I wrote my letter.

Most PARENTS don’t like the Underpants
Bandits books, either.

May 20th

Dear Mr. Heffley,

We regret to inform you that the
author to whom you have written,
Mr. Hawthorne, passed away more
than a century ago.

As such, he will not be able to
respond to your questions.

With regrets,

Katrina Welker

Publisher

50

In fact, the PTA had a meeting that year
where they decided parents’ tax dollars shouldn’t
be used to purchase any of the Underpants
Bandits books for the library.

When we came back to school from spring break,
all of the Underpants Bandits books in the library
were GONE.

I hope these adults are happy when a whole
generation of boys grow up not knowing how to read.

UNDERPANTS
BANDITS

& Gandhi’s
Undergarments

SWIPE

By Mik
Davies

READ

51

When the school banned the Underpants Bandits
books, it just made them more popular than
EVER. Some boys snuck in copies from home and
passed them on to OTHER kids.

One kid even brought in a bootleg copy of an
Underpants Bandits book from Japan. I couldn’t
understand a word of it, but it was pretty easy
to figure out from the pictures what was going on.

I actually wrote to the author on my OWN just
to tell him how much I liked his series.

I’d never written a fan letter like that, and every
day when I got home from school, I ran to the
mailbox to see if Mik Davies had written me back.

August 18th

Dear Mr. Davies,

I’m just writing to tell you, don’t listen to
these people who say your books are
garbage, because they don’t know what
they’re talking about. I know a bunch
of kids (including me) who think your
books are great.

As far as the “rude humor” goes, I find
that stuff hilarious, so please don’t
change a thing. In fact, I would
encourage you to put MORE bodily
functions and things of that nature in
your books.

Sincerely,

Grey Heffley

53

I finally got a response almost a year later, and
I was really excited.

But when I read the letter, it was a HUGE
disappointment.

From THe Desk OF
Mik Davies

Dear friend,

Unfortunately, I get so much fan mail
that I’m not able to answer your letter
personally.

But I did want to tell you to be on the
lookout for “Underpants Bandits 24:
Lincoln’s Longjohns,” coming soon to
stores near you!

Lots of yuks,

Mik

UNDERPANTS

BanDiTs

&Lincoln’s
Longjohns

By Mik
Davies

54

I couldn’t believe I poured my heart out to this
guy and all I got back was an AD.

Even though that whole experience left a bad
taste in my mouth, I still like his books.

At least I get to read whatever I WANT this
summer. Rodrick’s school gave him a whole list for
required reading, and some of the books look like a
lot of work.

TOSS

Jane Eyre

Charlotte
Brontë

MOBY
DICK

Herman Melville

A Tale of
Two Cities

Charles Dickens

55

But Rodrick’s not much of a reader, so he rented
all the MOVIE versions of the books on his list.

Mom said it’s not smart to watch the movie
without reading the book, because they usually
change a lot of stuff. But Rodrick said as long as
he got the basic idea, he’d be fine.

I think his approach is gonna cause problems,
though. “The Lord of the Rings” is on his summer
reading list, but when he rented the movie, he
wasn’t careful about checking the title.

Lords

OF THE

RING

56

Rodrick watched the movie TWICE, and after
the second time he told Mom that whoever wrote
the book must be a genius. But I’m guessing
Rodrick’s teacher is gonna be pretty confused
when she reads his book report in September.

By the time I was done reading today, I really
needed to get out of the car to prevent my legs
from permanently cramping.

Manny was still asleep, but he had somehow turned
himself all the way upside down in his seat.

CHIPS

CRUNCH!
POUND!

SUCK
SUCK
SUCK

57

When Mom noticed, she told Dad maybe we should
stop driving for the day, so he pulled off at the
next exit.

I was really looking forward to eating a meal at a
decent restaurant, but Mom said we’re on a budget
and tonight we were gonna pick up our dinner at
a grocery store.

Dad found a supermarket a few miles from the
exit. But Mom was afraid that if the van stopped
moving, Manny would wake up and have a fit. So
Mom wrote out a shopping list for Rodrick and
gave him some money, then Dad drove real slow in
front of the entrance so Rodrick could hop out.

HOP

58

Dad had to circle the parking lot about ten times,
which wasn’t easy since we were towing a boat.
Eventually, Rodrick came out with a couple bags
of groceries. And from the looks of it, he picked
up some extra items for himself.

When Dad pulled the van around, Rodrick hopped
in. Then we started looking for a place to stay
for the night, but the selection in the area
wasn’t that great.

PEACHES

WATERMELON

SPECIAL

COLA

MOTEL

AIR
CONDITIONED

CHEEP

CHEEP

MOTEL

VACANCY

SLEEP TITE

CLEAN ROOMS

MOTEL

JACUZZI

POOL

A few of the motels had big signs that said
they had “Color TV,” which if you ask me is not
anything to brag about in this day and age.

Dad finally pulled over at a place with air-
conditioning and a pool, which sounded pretty
good to me, especially considering that I’d lost
about five pounds in sweat sitting in the backseat.

I haven’t stayed in a whole lot of motels, but if
I had to guess, I’d say we picked one on the
lower end of the spectrum.

The lobby smelled like mildew, and the carpet was
covered in weird stains.

RECEPTION

COLA

60

But everyone was too tired to get back in the car
and look for another place to stay.

We got the key to our room, and when we walked
in it reeked of smoke. There were little holes in
the comforter and pillows that I’m pretty sure
were cigarette burns.

Dad picked a towel off the floor, then dropped it
because it was WET.

Mom went back to the front desk and asked for
a different room, but the clerk said the motel was
full and that we’d gotten the last one.

61

Mom told her in that case we were gonna leave and
take our business to another motel. But the clerk
told her there was a twenty-four-hour cancellation
policy, so we couldn’t get our money back.

When Mom returned to the room, she said we were
gonna have to try and make the best of a bad
situation. Then she and Dad stripped the bed
down to the bare mattress.

CANCELLATION
POLICY

RECEPTION

PULL

YANK

62

Believe it or not, Manny slept through ALL of
this. Mom said that if he woke up now, he’d be
awake all night, so she was just gonna let him
sleep through till morning.

Mom put Manny down in the middle of the sofa
bed and pulled a blanket over him.

The rest of us were really hungry, so we emptied
out the groceries Rodrick bought. But it turned
out he didn’t buy ANYTHING on Mom’s list.

TUCK
TUCK

DUMP

63

Rodrick was supposed to get sandwich supplies,
orange juice, and stuff like that, but he just got
a bunch of things HE likes.

Mom was pretty upset that Rodrick didn’t get
a single thing on the list she gave him, but his
excuse was that he couldn’t read her handwriting.
Mom told him it wasn’t very smart to get cinnamon
rolls and a frozen pizza, since those things needed
an oven and we didn’t HAVE one.

COLA

PAPA PEPE’S

CHEEZ CURLZ

CINNAMON

ROLLS

Big

BUBBA

Big

BUBBA

Big

BUBBA

COLA

64

But Rodrick said we could MICROWAVE the
pizza. Then he put it inside the microwave oven to
prove it.

At least, Rodrick THOUGHT it was a microwave.
It was actually a SAFE. By the time he figured
that out, the pizza was locked inside.

Mom gave me what was left of her cash and said
to go down to the vending machine to get the
most nutritious stuff I could find.

BEEP
BEEP
BEEP

GRUNT!

65

And that’s how we ended up eating sugar wafers
and breath mints for dinner on the first night of
our road trip.

Last night we couldn’t watch TV or do anything
in the room because Manny was asleep on the
pullout sofa.

Mom wouldn’t even let us keep the light on, so
we all sat in the dark for a while until me and
Rodrick decided to go down to the pool to kill
some time.

Well, the sign outside the motel said there was a
pool, but there was no actual WATER in it.

CHEW

CHEW
CHEW

TOSS

Sunday

66

And it didn’t look like there HAD been for at
least five years.

There was a hot tub near the pool that DID have
water in it, but some family was already using it.
So me and Rodrick waited our turn.

NO
LIFEGUA
ON DUTY

NO
DIVING

5 FEET

15 MINUTE
LIMIT

67

Unfortunately, the family couldn’t take a hint
that we wanted to use the hot tub, so eventually
me and Rodrick just went back to the room.

The lights were still out, and Mom and Dad were
asleep on the mattress. I guess they must’ve been
pretty exhausted, because they were still wearing
all their clothes.

With Mom and Dad on the bed and Manny on the
sofa, it didn’t leave a lot of good sleep options for
me and Rodrick.

We checked the closet for a cot or an air mattress,
but there was nothing.

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZ

68

Rodrick was one step ahead of me, though. He
gathered up the sofa cushions and made a bed for
himself on the floor. Five seconds later, he was
out cold.

I figured the closet was as good a place as any
for me to sleep, so I got some towels out of the
bathroom and laid them on the floor.

After lying there for a minute, I noticed a
TERRIBLE smell and thought a mouse must’ve
died in the vent or something.

ZZZZZZ

PAT
PAT

69

I tried covering my nose with a washcloth, but
that seemed to make the smell even WORSE.

It was hard enough trying to fall asleep under
those conditions, but then someone in the room
started SNORING. Luckily, I was prepared for
that. Mom and Dad BOTH snore, which is the
reason I thought ahead and brought earplugs on
the trip.

But it was so dark in the room I could only find
ONE in my duffel bag, so I had to try sleeping
with the earplug in my left ear and my other ear
pressed to the floor.

I did actually fall asleep for a few minutes, but
woke up to some kind of ruckus going on outside.

SNORE

70

When I looked out the peephole, I saw something
flash by, but I couldn’t tell what it was. So I
cracked open the door to see what was going on.

It turns out those kids from the hot tub had
gotten their hands on a cleaning cart and were
ramming it into a wall.

CRASH

WOO-HOO!!!

RUMBLE

RUMBLE

RUMBLE

71

I couldn’t BELIEVE these kids’ parents were
letting them run wild in the middle of the night,
so I stepped out of the room and went over to
give them a piece of my mind.

The littlest kid burst into tears and ran into his
room, and I didn’t feel bad for even one second.
But a minute later his door opened again, and his
FATHER came out.

72

I wasn’t about to get yelled at by a grown man
in his underwear, so I ran back to our room and
locked the door. Then I prayed with all my might
that the chain lock was strong enough to keep
him out.

I guess the kids’ dad didn’t see which door I
went into, because he knocked on the wrong one.
Then he pounded on the door right next to ours
before giving up and going back to his room.

Once the coast was clear, I hung a little sign on our
doorknob in case the guy decided to come BACK.

It was REALLY hard falling asleep after that,
because every time I heard someone outside the
door, I held my breath until they passed by.

Before I knew it, the sun was up and so was
Manny. Mom turned on the television, and
whenever Manny watches TV, he TALKS to it.

Do not
Disturb

74

I was a little annoyed with Manny blabbering
away, but I guess I can’t complain. I used to do
the same exact thing when I was younger.

One time when I was watching my favorite show,
the host asked a question.

WHAT
SOUND
DOES A
DUCKIE
MAKE?

QUACK!
QUACK!

BLINK
BLINK

WHAT SHOULD
I DRAW ON
THIS BOX?

I DON’T
KNOW…POLKA
DOTS?

75

I was just goofing around when I answered, but
the guy on TV actually RESPONDED.

I wish it never happened, though. Because for a
long time after that, I thought the people inside
the TV could hear everything I said.

OK, POLKA
DOTS IT IS!

AND HOW
ARE YOU
TODAY?

I COULD BE
BETTER. MY
BROTHER
RODRICK—

THAT’S
GREAT!

76

In fact, on my sixth birthday, Mom had to sit
me down and have a talk about the difference
between “imaginary” friends and “real” friends.

Once Manny got going in a conversation with his
favorite TV characters this morning, I knew
there was no point in trying to fall back asleep.
So I just got up for the day.

And when I did, I found out the source of
that awful smell. Rodrick had put his shoes in
the closet, and I had spent the whole night
breathing in his fumes.

HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO
SEE WHAT MY PARENTS
GOT ME? IT’S A BIKE,
ISN’T IT? BLINK ONCE IF
THE ANSWER IS YES!

77

But even WORSE was that the “washcloth” I
had used to block the smell was actually one of
Rodrick’s SOCKS.

Speaking of Rodrick, Manny’s conversation with
the TV didn’t bother him one little bit, because
he just slept right through all the noise.

CAN YOU
HOP LIKE
A FROG?

HOP!
HOP!

ZZZZ

78

Dad was getting a little restless waiting for
everyone to get going this morning. He’s one of
those guys who gets up every day at the crack of
dawn so he can arrive at his office early, and this
whole late-start thing wasn’t working for him.

Eventually, Mom made Rodrick get up and take
a shower. We went to a diner right next to the
motel for breakfast, then got back in the van.

Mom said that from now on we were all gonna be
on the same sleep schedule so we wouldn’t waste
any more time on our trip. But before she was even
done talking, Manny passed out in his car seat.

Mom’s big plan for the day was for us to go to a
country fair she read about in “Family Frolic.”

ZZZZZ

79

I’d never been to anything like that before, but
it looked like it was worth checking out.

The fair was a few hours away, so that meant me
being cramped in the backseat again, which was
starting to get old. Thankfully, after an hour,
Mom offered to switch places with me.

When I got up to the front seat, I couldn’t
believe how much ROOM there was.

HIGHWAY 1

130TH

ANNUAL

COUNTRY FAIR

#1

FOR

FAMILY FUN!

FOOD! CONTESTS! PRIZES!

80

And it wasn’t just all the space that was awesome.
I even had individual temperature settings and my
own cup holder.

I went to change the radio station, but Dad
stopped me. He said only the DRIVER gets to
pick the music. I didn’t think that was fair, but
I wasn’t gonna complain and risk getting sent to
the backseat.

AHHHH!

ZZZZZ

TAP
TAP

MY TRUCK IS BUSTED BUT
MY DOG HE LOVES ME

81

Dad’s music was pretty awful, but the view totally
made up for it.

When you’re in the back, you don’t have any sense
of what’s ahead. Sitting up front, I had a whole
new perspective and could almost see why Mom was
so gung ho about taking this road trip.

When we took the exit for the country fair, we
came to a stoplight. We were behind a minivan that
was the same exact model as ours, only purple.

The kids in the van looked kind of familiar. It
took me a second to realize they were the same
ones from last night.

FAIR

FAIRGROUNDS
NEXT LEFT

82

I hadn’t told Mom and Dad about the incident
with the kids and the cleaning cart, because I
was worried I wouldn’t come out looking too great.
And they definitely didn’t need to know about my
run-in with Mr. Beardo.

The kids in the purple van recognized me right
away, and started making obnoxious faces.

I wasn’t gonna just sit there and take it from
those little punks, so I made a face at THEM.

83

The skinny one made the same face back at ME,
and the second he did, the light turned green
and they accelerated. When their van lurched
forward, the little kid face-planted into the
back window.

Dad passed them on the left, and Mr. Beardo
got a real good look at me.

VROOM

SPLAT

ZOOM

84

Luckily, the parking lot for the fair was only a
few hundred feet up the road. Once we stopped,
I wanted to stay inside until I was sure we
weren’t being tailed by the purple van.

But it looked like we were in the clear. Manny
was still asleep in his car seat, so Mom said she’d
stay back with him and the rest of us could go
on ahead.

The fair was a LOT different than I thought
it was gonna be. I expected it to have a Ferris
wheel and a merry-go-round and stuff like that,
but instead there were a bunch of tents with farm
animals and booths with homemade food.

FAIR
PARKING

85

We were getting kind of hungry anyway, so we
went looking for something to eat.

They had corn dogs and fried dough and all the
stuff you’d expect at a big fair. But then they
had crazy things like deep-fried butter on a stick.

I was actually glad Mom was still in the van,
because I was pretty sure that kind of thing
didn’t qualify as “real food” in her book.

PORK BELLIES

CHEESY

ACON BOMBS

CHEW
CHEW

86

After about an hour of walking the fairgrounds,
Dad went back to the car to see if Manny was
awake yet, and he told me and Rodrick to go
explore on our own.

The two of us wandered around for a while until
we came across a tent where there was something
big going on.

It was a Foulest Footwear contest, and they
were offering a prize for whoever had the
nastiest shoe.

BUTTER

SLORK
SLURP

CHEW
CHEW

PAT
PAT

DEEP-FRIED
PB&J

BUTTER ON A STICK

87

There was a big line of people ready to submit
their entries.

I told Rodrick HE should enter, because if
ANYONE deserved to win this thing, it was him.

While we were waiting in line, me and Rodrick got
in an argument over who would get to keep the
prize. I said we should split it 50 – 50 because it
was my idea, but he said he should get the whole
thing because it was HIS shoe and he was the one
who made it stink.

FOULEST FOOTWEAR
CONTEST

88

Right before we got to the judging table, we
reached a compromise where I’d get 10% of the
prize as Rodrick’s agent.

Some of the other shoes looked a lot worse than
Rodrick’s, and I was losing confidence that he’d
win. But when the judges got to the smell test,
it was all over.

Rodrick won first prize, which turned out to be
a coupon for one deep-fried butter on a stick.
I told Rodrick he could have it all to himself,
because the thought of eating any more butter
made me feel a little nauseous.

JUDGES

89

Rodrick asked the judges for his shoe back, but
they said they were gonna send it on to the
national competition. So that left Rodrick walking
around with only one shoe. I decided to explore
the nearby stalls while Rodrick was polishing off
his stick of fried butter.

But I had a SERIOUSLY close call when I
turned a corner and almost ran smack into the
entire Beardo family. Luckily, I was able to duck
for cover just in time.

BUTTER

CHEW
CHOMP

BUTTER ON STICK

90

Now that I knew the Beardos were on the
fairgrounds, I was eager to get out of there.

I went to look for Rodrick, but he must’ve gone
back to the van. I decided to head there myself,
but on my way out I spotted the top of Mom’s
head in a crowd under one of the livestock tents.

People were packed shoulder to shoulder, and I
tried pushing my way through to get to where
Mom was.

But when I got halfway in, a big cheer went up.

HOORAY!!!

91

When I finally made it up to the front, I was
surprised to see Manny standing in the middle of
the crowd, holding a piece of paper.

Apparently, there was a contest to see who could
come the closest to guessing the weight of a hog,
and Manny got it exactly right.

The prize for guessing the hog’s weight was a real
live baby pig.

243.1

243.1

92

Mom explained to the judge that they’d just
entered the contest for fun and didn’t actually
WANT the pig.

But the people in the crowd seemed kind of
insulted and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

With all the commotion this was causing, I was
nervous the Beardo family was gonna come over
to the livestock tent to see what was going on.
Luckily, by then Mom seemed ready to get out of
there herself, and we made our way to the exit.

Dad was sitting in the van with the air-conditioning
cranked up, and when he saw Mom carrying a
pig, he was a little taken by surprise.

93

Mom filled Dad in on how Manny won the pig in
the contest, but he didn’t seem too thrilled with
the news.

Dad said we had no business owning a pig and
that we needed to take it back to the fair
immediately.

But Mom said it was too late, because the pig
had already “imprinted” on Manny.

94

Dad still wasn’t on board, though. He said a pig is
a “barn animal” and could be carrying all sorts of
parasites and whatnot. But Mom said a LOT of
people keep pigs as pets, and she’d heard they’re
just as smart as dogs.

Then Rodrick got in on the conversation. He
voted for KEEPING the pig because he said we
could get free bacon from it every morning, the
way you get eggs from a chicken.

So either he doesn’t understand how pigs work, or
he just wasn’t thinking it all the way through.

I was all in favor of keeping the pig if it meant
we could hurry up and get going.

95

I noticed a purple van parked a few spaces away
from ours, and I was nervous the Beardos would
show up any second.

Dad finally caved in. He said if we were gonna
keep the pig, it would have to ride in the boat.
But Mom said putting the pig in the boat was
“inhumane” and that we needed to find a place for
it in the van.

The thing is, there wasn’t anywhere to PUT
the pig in the van. We couldn’t just let it roam
free, and we couldn’t exactly strap it in with a
seat belt, either. So Mom emptied out the cooler
and put the pig in THERE.

Once that was settled, we finally pulled out of
the parking lot.

96

After we put a few miles between us and the fair,
I could finally breathe again.

But the pig started causing trouble right away.
By the time we got back on the highway, it had
tipped over the cooler and was rooting around in
one of the Mommy Meal bags.

I had to wrangle the pig back into the cooler,
and THIS time I strapped the seat belt across
it so it wouldn’t tip over.

Mom figured the pig was hungry, so she said we
needed to stop and get it some food. Her idea
was for us to go to a restaurant and then give
the pig our leftovers. That sounded like a good
deal to me, since it meant we’d actually get to
have a sit-down dinner.

SNUFFLE
GRUNT
SLORK

97

We found a place to eat a few miles away, and
Mom stayed back in the van with the pig while
the rest of us went inside. But when the waitress
saw that Rodrick was only wearing one shoe, she
said she couldn’t serve him.

Dad said me and Rodrick could take turns using
MY shoe. But I wish I hadn’t let Rodrick go
first, because he’s the world’s slowest eater.

OMELETS · PANCAKES
EGGS ANY STYLE

NO SHIRT
NO SHOES
NO SERVICE

POKE
POKE

CHEW
CHEW

POUND

POUND

POUND

98

When we got back in the van, we gave the pig our
leftover corn and vegetables, which it ate straight
out of the styrofoam container.

Mom started looking up places to stay for the
night on the GPS. She asked Rodrick to call a
hotel to see if they had any rooms available.They
did, but Rodrick blew it by getting too specific.

Mom found another place a few miles away, and
this time she did the talking.

The hotel was just after the tolls. A few hundred
feet from the exit, traffic came to a crawl.

THEY SAY,
“NO PIGS.”

99

That was a problem for me because I had two
big glasses of lemonade at the restaurant and
REALLY needed to use the bathroom.

I spotted a gas station up ahead and asked
Mom and Dad if I could hop out and use the
bathroom, then catch up with the car after I
was done.

Dad didn’t like the idea because he was worried
that by the time I got back, they might already
be through the tollbooth. By now it was pretty
obvious the pig needed to go, too, because it was
running in little circles inside the cooler.

Mom said I could use the bathroom at the gas
station as long as I brought the pig WITH me.

100

So I tucked it under my arm and ran across three
lanes of traffic to the gas station.

TOLL PLAZA
200 FEET

I tried the handle to the men’s room, but it was
locked. I waited for the person using it to come
OUT, but whoever was in there wasn’t in any
rush to wrap things up.

KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

101

I was getting kind of desperate, so I tried
the handle to the women’s room, but THAT was
locked, too.

I ran back to the car, which had only moved
forward about five feet in the time I was gone.

When I told Mom that both bathrooms were
occupied, she said gas station bathrooms are
ALWAYS locked and that I had to ask the
ATTENDANT for the key.

So I ran BACK to the gas station and told
the guy at the desk I needed to use the
restroom in a hurry.

102

I’m not sure what I was expecting from a
gas station bathroom, but it was actually a lot
WORSE than I could’ve even imagined.

Let me just say it was pretty awkward using the
toilet with a farm animal staring right at me.
But the pig was even MORE embarrassed than
I was, because when it was the pig’s turn to go,
nothing happened.

103

After I gave the key back to the attendant,
I spotted our van just as it was about to go
through the tollbooth. So I sprinted all the way
across traffic to get to it in time.

But before I opened the door, I wish I had
noticed that the van didn’t have a BOAT
attached to it.

SCREAM!!!

OUR van was actually still a few cars back, and
by the time I got inside, the pig looked like he
was about to burst.

I guess Mom was right about pigs being smart,
because when I put him on Manny’s potty seat,
he knew EXACTLY what to do.

104

OINNKK!

Monday

When we pulled up to the hotel last night, I was
relieved that it looked a lot nicer than the place
we stayed the night BEFORE.

Mom and Dad weren’t taking any chances on
getting turned away at the desk because of the
pig, so we kept it in the cooler until we got into
our room.

SNUFFLE
GRUNT

105

I think Mom felt bad about the sleep situation at
the motel the first night, because this time she
rented TWO rooms so everyone would have a bed.

But I should’ve known there was a catch. Mom
said since she and Dad had Manny in THEIR
room, the pig was gonna have to stay in OURS.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with the
pig, so I tried putting it in our bathtub. But it
started whimpering the second I set it down.

WHIMPER
WHIMPER

106

I decided to let the pig loose in the bathroom,
but when I peeked inside a few minutes later, it
had made a TERRIBLE mess in there. And I’m
pretty sure it ate a bar of soap, too.

HICCUP

I let the pig free in the bedroom so I could keep
an eye on it, but the first thing it did was go
straight to the door connecting the two rooms.

SCRATCH
SCRATCH
SCRATCH
SCRATCH

107

Eventually, Dad got sick of all the noise and
opened the door to let the pig in.

I was so tired I fell asleep before my head hit
the pillow.

This morning I woke up to the sound of weird
noises coming from the foot of my bed. At first I
thought Rodrick had gotten up early, but then
I realized the sound was coming from the PIG.

GOBBLE

CHEW

CHOMP

108

It had somehow figured out how to open the
minibar door and was rooting through the candy
and other snacks inside.

I picked the pig up and put it in our bathtub,
then went next door to tell Mom and Dad what
happened. But it turned out the pig had raided
THEIR minibar, too.

Somehow it had even gotten into the DRINKS.
I counted at least three empty cans on the
floor, and don’t even ask me how a pig managed
to do THAT.

109

Dad went down to the front desk to tell them
our “pet” had gotten into the minibar and we
shouldn’t be charged for all the stuff it ate.

But the clerk told Dad we were gonna have to
pay for the stuff from the minibar, and on top
of THAT, there was a fifty-dollar penalty for
violating the hotel’s “no pet” policy.

After the final tally, the pig ended up costing us
more than the ROOMS did.

Mom was eager to get on the road, so she woke
Rodrick up and told him to get in the shower.
But I probably should’ve mentioned to him that
the pig was in the bathtub before he stepped in.

110

SCREAM!

PULL

When we got in the car, Dad was on the phone
with his office. Apparently, there was some sort
of emergency, and he was the only one who knew
how to take care of it.

Mom had planned a big day for us with lots of
stops, so she wasn’t happy that Dad had to deal
with a work situation. But we hit the road anyway,
and Dad talked on the phone while he drove.

111

Our first stop was a place that claimed to have
the largest piece of popcorn in the world, which
ended up not being that impressive. First of all,
it wasn’t a real piece of popcorn, it was a wood
carving, and second, it wasn’t even all that big.

When we got out of the car, Dad stayed back
on his call. The pig stayed, too, sleeping off the
drinks from the minibar.

Greetings from the home of the

WORLD’S LARGEST POPCORN KERNEL

Next we went to a place that’s supposedly “world
famous” because it has life-size carvings of all the
U.S. presidents in butter.

112

This time Mom made Dad get out of the van and
join us, but he stayed on the phone the whole time.

GIFT
SHOP

TOUCH

LICK

When we got back in the car, Mom let Dad know
it wasn’t OK for him to be missing out on “family
time.” Dad told her he just needed to deal with
one more work issue, and after it was taken care
of, he’d give us his full attention.

Dad said he was about to get a call from one of
his international clients and that when he DID, it
was really important for everyone to stay quiet so
it would seem like Dad was in the office.

113

It didn’t look like that was gonna be a big problem.
Manny was already down for his afternoon nap,
and the pig was still passed out in the cooler.

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

A few minutes later, Dad’s call came in. You could
tell by how loud the guy was talking that he was
upset. But Dad spoke in a real even tone, and his
client seemed to calm down.

The rest of us stayed as quiet as we could. But
then Rodrick got out one of his packs of bubble
gum and put all five pieces in his mouth and
started chewing it real loud.

Mom snapped her fingers to try and get him to
stop making so much noise.

114

But her finger snapping was actually LOUDER
than the gum chewing, which you could tell was
irritating Dad.

SNAP
SNAP
SNAP

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

Mom wanted Rodrick to get rid of his gum, so she
pressed the button to open the sunroof. But when
she DID, the sound of air blowing inside the van
was like a jet turbine.

WHOOSH

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

Mom realized she had made a mistake, so she
pressed the button to CLOSE the sunroof. But
before it shut all the way, Rodrick chucked his
gum through the opening.

115

The gum boomeranged right BACK and got stuck
in the gear track of the sunroof.

TOSS

Mom frantically pressed the “close” button, but
the sunroof was jammed open. At that moment,
the air rushing in from outside dislodged Flat
Stanley from the vent, and he went flying.

Dad was having a really hard time concentrating
on his call and was fumbling with the buttons to
try and shut the sunroof himself.

116

But now he didn’t have a hand on the wheel and
was steering with his KNEES.

ZZZZ

ZZZZ

PRESS
PRESS

Dad started drifting out of his lane, and the
driver of a huge tractor-trailer let us know it,
which made Dad drop his phone.

HONK

117

The horn also startled Manny, and his pacifier
popped out and onto the floor.

Manny was sucking air like he still had his pacifier
in his mouth, and I knew we had about ten
seconds to find it before he had a full-on tantrum.

THWUP
THWUP
THWUP

I spotted the pacifier on the floor in front of
me and tried to unfasten my seat belt so I could
reach it. But instead I accidentally unbuckled the
seat belt holding the COOLER in place.

Dad was trying to reach for his phone at the
same time, and he jerked the car to the left,
which made the cooler tip over.

DUMP

118

Now it was total chaos. The pig was loose, Manny
was crying, and Dad was cursing because he couldn’t
reach his phone.

But the main problem was the PIG. It was
going bananas, running around on the floor and
squealing like crazy. Everyone was trying to grab
it, but the pig was too slippery.

POP

SQUEAL!

Then, all of a sudden, the pig went quiet. And
when he popped back up, we knew why.

SUCK
SUCK
SUCK

119

I reached out real slowly and plucked Manny’s
pacifier out of the pig’s mouth. And that’s when
it BIT me.

SHRIEK!!!

CHOMP

I guess the pig decided this was its chance to
make a run for it. It hopped up on Manny’s seat
and tried to squeeze through the window, which
was open a crack.

WRIGGLE
SQUIRM

The pig managed to get its head and front legs
out the window and would’ve made it ALL the
way out if Mom hadn’t jumped over her seat and
grabbed its hind legs.

120

But when she lunged for the pig, she kicked a
button on the stereo, and now we had the Spanish
CD blaring at full volume.

POR FAVOR, HABLE
MÁS DESPACIO.

SQUEAL!

The whole time, Dad was swerving all over the
place. Eventually, Mom got the pig back inside
and closed Manny’s window. Dad managed to
pull the van over and turn off the stereo.

It was quiet in the car for a full minute while
everyone caught their breath. Dad was really mad
that we messed up his business call, and he let us
know it.

121

But he probably should’ve made sure his phone was
off first. Because when he put it to his ear, his
client was still on the other end.

Tuesday

After Dad’s work-call disaster yesterday, he and
Mom had a long talk outside the car. Then they
got back in, and we drove in silence for a while.

A half hour later we pulled into the parking lot
of a petting zoo. Mom opened the side door and
took the cooler with the pig in it out of the van.

ROLL

ROLL

ROLL

122

Mom went inside, and five minutes later she came
out with an empty cooler.

Personally, I wasn’t sad to see the pig go, but
Manny was a different story.

I’m not so sure Mom was doing the petting zoo
any favors by donating a pig that bites kids.

And speaking of which, my finger was really
KILLING me.

Dad said that the pig probably hadn’t had any
immunizations and might even have rabies, which
was NOT what I wanted to hear.

123

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that when
a person gets bit by an animal, nothing good
comes of it. The LAST thing I need is to turn
into some kind of were-pig, because that could
really mess up my dating life.

THERE’S A
FULL MOON
TONIGHT!

Chez Henri

REALLY? I
HADN’T
EVEN
NOTICED!

SPROING

Mom took a look at my finger, and I could tell
she was a little worried. She said we should find
a doctor to check it out, which didn’t calm my
nerves any.

Mom tried to find an emergency-care place on
the GPS, but there was nothing within a fifty-
mile radius.

124

But she DID find a VETERINARIAN’S office
five minutes up the road.

She said a veterinarian would have the same stuff
as a regular doctor, but a vet could actually be
BETTER because they might know a thing or
two about pig bites.

I honestly thought Mom was joking around about
this veterinarian thing, but she was dead serious.
And a few minutes later we pulled into the
parking lot.

CHECK$
CA$HED
HERE!

VETERINARIAN

BOARDING +
GROOMING

OPEN

Mom talked to the receptionist at the front desk
while the rest of us waited on a bench.

125

A minute later Mom came back with a clipboard
and some paperwork to fill out.

All I can say is, I hope this stuff doesn’t get
filed on my permanent record, because if it crops
up later in life, it could be embarrassing.

Emergency Pet Care

Patient Registration

Pet’s name:

“Greg”

Owner’s name:

Susan Heffley

Species:

Human

Last vaccination:

January 12

History of worms?

Yes

No

as a toddler

Last rabies shot:

N/A

Spayed/Neutered?

Yes

No

126

Once Mom handed in the forms, the receptionist
told me I could sit with the other “patients” to
wait for the doctor.

You’d think I’d get some sort of priority because
I’m a human being, but I got put behind a gerbil
that had swallowed a cigarette and a cat that
got its face stuck in a yogurt container.

cough
cough

When we had our dog, Sweetie, Mom had to take
him to the vet a bunch of times for getting into
stuff he wasn’t supposed to eat. But the LAST
time she took him, she didn’t really need to.

Mom had found a bunch of empty cellophane
wrappers from a pack of whoopie pies in the laundry
room, and she figured Sweetie had eaten them.

127

Apparently, chocolate is like POISON to a
dog, so Mom rushed him to the vet to get his
stomach pumped.

When Mom brought Sweetie home from the vet,
she told me he had gotten into the whoopie pies.
I felt kind of bad, because I was the one who
ate them, not the dog.

And from what I’ve heard, getting your stomach
pumped isn’t a real pleasant experience.

I OWE
YOU ONE!

128

I feel like my visit to the vet was payback for
the whoopie pie incident, especially when the nurse
weighed me on the same scale they use for DOGS.

DOGGie POUNDS

The nurse took my temperature, too, and had
me hold the thermometer under my tongue for
thirty seconds.

When I got back to the waiting area, Rodrick
told me that when they take an ANIMAL’S
temperature, they stick the thermometer
somewhere ELSE, and they probably use the
same one for all their patients.

129

I was worried Rodrick might be right, but then
I realized this information was coming from a guy
who was eating gerbil pellets.

CRUNCH
CRUNCH

Twice while we were waiting at the vet’s, Manny
bolted out the front door, and both times Dad
grabbed him before he got too far. I think
Manny was pretty mad about us leaving his pig
at the petting zoo, and he was acting out.

CHECK$
CA$HED
HERE!

KICK
SQUIRM

BOARDING +
GROOMING

OPEN

When I was Manny’s age, I used to get mad at
Mom and Dad and try to run away all the time.

130

I remember once when we were in the changing
room at the pool and Mom was trying to make
me wear a bathing suit I didn’t like. I took off
running, but I wasn’t really thinking about where
I was GOING.

RODRICK used to run away a lot, too. When he
was in first grade, he’d take off every day at the
same time, but he’d come back home when Mom told
him his favorite TV show was on.

When Manny tried to run away a THIRD time
today, Mom bought a retractable leash at the
front desk to try and keep him under control.

STRAIN

Mom also got a bandage for Rodrick’s foot so we
could start going into restaurants as a family again.

Finally, the veterinarian was ready to see me, and
the nurse led us into the exam room. My palms
started getting sweaty, because I always get a
little nervous when it’s time to see the doctor.

132

I’m not a big fan of needles, and Mom knows
it. So whenever I need to get a flu shot or
something, Mom doesn’t tell me it’s coming.

And by the time I figure out what’s going on,
it’s too late.

HEY, IS THAT
A HOT-AIR
BALLOON?

WHERE?

But there weren’t any shots this time around.
Mom told the vet what had happened, and she
took a look at my finger.

The vet said there was nothing to worry about
since the pig’s teeth hadn’t broken the skin.

133

She put some antibacterial ointment on my finger
just to be safe and then sent me on my way.

DAB DAB

I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by the
whole veterinarian experience. The doctor was no-
nonsense and didn’t ambush me with any needles.

I figure when we get back home I might research
some veterinarians in our area. I’m not saying
I’m definitely going to make the switch, but I
do want to see what my options are.

After the vet’s, Dad spent some time trying to
get the gum out of the sunroof with a popsicle
stick. But it was too messy and eventually he
gave up.

134

Dad didn’t like not being able to close the sunroof,
so he drove around trying to find a mechanic who
could fix it. But nobody he talked to would do it
for under a hundred bucks.

So Dad went to a grocery store and bought some
cellophane and duct tape, and he fashioned his
OWN sunroof.

STRETCH

135

I think Dad was pretty proud of himself for
saving money on repairs, especially when it started
to rain and his homemade sunroof held up.

But after a while the cellophane started filling
with water and bugs.

SLOSH

Eventually, the whole thing gave way, and for
once I was glad to be sitting in the back.

SPLOOSH

136

We parked under an overpass and waited for the
rain to clear up while Manny and Rodrick changed
into some dry clothes.

The trip was a total disaster up to this point,
and even Mom was ready to admit it.

She said it probably wasn’t such a good idea to do
everything according to the magazine, and that
if we switched things up a little, maybe we could
turn the trip around.

WRING

137

Mom said that from then on, we’d go wherever
the road took us and we’d make decisions as a
FAMILY along the way. She said the rest of
the trip could be like those Choose Your Own
Adventure books.

I always liked those books, because on every page
you get to make a decision that changes the story.

MEOW

The ancient statue has a
priceless gem in its eye
socket. The inscription at
the base of the statue
reads STEAL FROM ME
AND PERISH. What do
you do?

If you pry the gem from
the statue, turn to page 40.

If you stop and pet the
kitten, turn to page 23.

93

The problem is, I never seem to make the choices
that get me to a happy ending.

138

In fact, it seems like no matter WHAT choice I
make, it’s always the WRONG one.

CRUM

BLE

When you step onto the
dais to pet the kitten, the
ground beneath you gives
way, opening into a deep
chasm.

You fall to the bottom and
die. Better luck next time!

The End

23

I wasn’t so sure about Mom’s new approach, but I
figured anything was an improvement as long as I
didn’t get bit by any more pigs.

After the rainstorm passed, we got back in the
car and gave Mom’s idea a try. When we reached
our first intersection, she asked everyone if we
should turn right or left or go straight.

139

So we held a vote. Me and Rodrick voted to turn
right, and that’s what we did. And when we got
to ANOTHER intersection, we voted again, and
this time we turned LEFT.

We drove into this little town that had two
restaurants, and after we voted, we went to one
that ended up having the best apple pie I’ve ever
tasted in my life. In fact, it was so good we
ordered a SECOND one.

140

Mom was really pleased with herself for coming up
with this new approach and said she was gonna
write in to “Family Frolic” and tell THEM about it.

The only person who WASN’T having a good
time was MANNY, who still seemed upset about
the pig. Mom kept the leash on him even while we
were eating, to make sure he didn’t try and run
away again.

After lunch, Mom asked me to take Manny to the
bathroom, which only had one toilet in it. So I
waited outside for him to do his business.

Manny was in there for a while, and I started to
wonder what was taking him so long.

141

I finally opened the door, and he was GONE.

Luckily, Dad saw Manny through the front
window of the restaurant and scooped him up
before it was too late. Because if it had been
another minute or two, who knows HOW far he
would’ve gotten.

142

We got back in the van and Mom strapped Manny
into his car seat. When we got to a stoplight,
everyone agreed that we should go left, and we
waited for the light to change.

When it turned green, Dad stepped on the gas,
but a car came out of nowhere and TOTALLY
ran the red light.

Dad laid on the horn, but the driver just kept
on going.

HONK

Then another car ran the light, and then
ANOTHER. It was like nobody even NOTICED
that the light was red.

143

Dad was getting pretty frustrated, and when he
saw a gap between two cars, he put the pedal to
the floor and hung a left.

SCREECH

We barely squeezed in front of the NEXT car,
which ALSO ran the light.

When I looked back at the car behind us, I
noticed something weird. There was a little flag on
either side of the hood.

144

Mom noticed the flags, too, and she got really
upset. She said the vehicles behind us were part of
a FUNERAL procession.

She explained that during a funeral, cars are
allowed to go through red lights on their way
from the church to the cemetery so they can all
stick together. And now we’d gone and cut off
the line of cars.

Dad was getting panicky that all the cars behind
our van were now following US, and he tried to
shake them off our tail by making a few quick turns.

TURN

145

It didn’t work, though. Dad said he was gonna
get back on the highway and try to lose the cars
THAT way, but Mom said the LEAST we could do
was lead the people behind us to the cemetery.

So Mom typed “cemetery” into the GPS, and
there was one just a few blocks away.

RESULTS FOR “CEMETERY”

QUIET MEADOWS

0.5

RESTFUL OVERLOOK

7.2

PEACEFUL VIEW

7.9

PLEASANT HILLS

9.3

We drove through the gates and parked along the
side of the path. Everyone who was following us
got out of their cars, but they seemed confused.

One look at the gravestones and it was clear what
had happened. Apparently, the GPS treats all
cemeteries the same, and it had taken us to a
PET cemetery.

146

Luckily, Dad got us out of there before things
got ugly.

SCREECH

After escaping with our lives from the pet
cemetery, everyone decided it would be best to
just pack it in for the night. So we found a
hotel a few miles away and got a room on the
seventh floor.

147

Dad wasn’t comfortable leaving all our stuff in
the van, since someone could get in through the
sunroof and steal whatever they wanted, so we
had to take EVERYTHING into the hotel.

This morning Mom wanted to keep going with
the Choose Your Own Adventure plan. I was
starting to wonder if it was such a great idea,
since it almost got us killed yesterday, but Mom
was sticking with it.

She grabbed a bunch of brochures from the front
desk and brought them to breakfast so we could
figure out what we wanted to do for the day.

148

CHOST

TOUR

DINO

PLAYPLACE

CONWAY

CAVERNS

There were actually TOO many options, and
nobody could agree on what to do.

Dad wanted to take an all-day guided tour of a
Civil War battlefield. Mom wanted to go to the
beach. And Rodrick wanted to go to the electric
guitar museum.

149

What looked like the most fun to ME was a place
called Soak Central. We went to a water park
LAST summer but got rained out, so I figured
this would make up for it.

SOAK

CENTRAL

But Mom read through the brochure and said Soak
Central looked “artificial” and that the whole
point of this trip was to AVOID places like that.

150

Since nobody could agree on anything, Mom said
she was making an “executive decision” and that
we were going to the beach. Dad didn’t complain,
because I’m sure he was thinking that if we were
going to the shore, he might actually get a
chance to use his BOAT.

I’m really not much of a beach person myself.
Whenever we go to one, we bring a blanket and
spread it out, then sit there for the whole day.
And you can’t really go anywhere, because you’re
worried someone will take your spot.

The last time we went to the beach, Dad brought
the tarp he uses to cover the boat so we’d have
more room for our family and all our stuff.

PAT
PAT

151

But the tarp was at LEAST twice the size of our
old blanket, and it took up a ton of space on
the beach.

Not to mention the fact that it’s made of
PLASTIC, so with the sun beating down, it
was like sitting in a frying pan.

It was ESPECIALLY embarrassing when the
rest of my family went to grab lunch on the
boardwalk and I had to hang back on the tarp
by myself to watch our stuff.

FAN
FAN

SPLOOSH

SSSS

BOUNCE

So I wasn’t real excited about going to the beach,
especially since I knew Dad had his boat tarp
with him.

The beach was a few hours’ drive away, so I
decided to take a nap until we got there. And
believe me, with all the junk piled up in the back
of the minivan, it wasn’t easy.

I woke up when the van slowed down. I thought
we were at the beach, but we hadn’t even gotten
to the bridge yet. It seemed like everyone had
the same idea WE did.

HONK

HONNK

BEEEEP

ZZZZZ

ZZZZZ

153

When we were about a quarter of a mile from
the bridge, I could tell Dad was starting to
get nervous.

He HATES bridges, because for some reason he
gets dizzy whenever he has to drive over one.

The bridge to the beach is one of those kinds
that’s really high above the water, and I’m sure
Dad wasn’t looking forward to being stuck on it
for the next half hour.

Mom told Rodrick HE could drive. So we pulled
over and everyone switched seats.

154

Dad took my place in the back so he wouldn’t see
the bridge out the front window, and I moved to
the middle row.

When Rodrick got in the driver’s seat, he took
advantage of Dad’s radio rule and blasted heavy
metal music. And I could tell that wasn’t helping
Dad’s nerves.

We were only going about three miles an hour.
It looked like we were gonna be stuck on the
bridge even longer than I expected, so I opened
the bag of cheese curls Rodrick bought at the
grocery store.

155

There was a seagull sitting on the bridge railing
next to our minivan, and it looked right at me.

I guess I kind of felt sorry for it, so I tossed
a cheese curl out of the sunroof. I have to say,
I was pretty impressed when the seagull caught
the thing in midair.

TOSS

CHOMP

156

I was about to throw it ANOTHER one, but
Mom stopped me.

She said seagulls are really aggressive, and giving
them “people food” is a bad idea.

She was right about the “aggressive” thing,
because two seconds later the seagull was on top
of the car, and you could tell it wanted more food.

I threw another one at it to try and make it
go away, but the seagull bobbled the cheese curl,
which fell right back into the car.

SQUAWK

POP

157

That’s when things got BAD.

The seagull hopped down INTO the car and ate
the cheese curl off the floor.

For a second, everyone was in a state of shock that
a seagull was in our van, and nobody moved a muscle.

The seagull squawked a few times and then tried
to fly back out the way it came in. But it missed
the opening by about two feet and smacked into
the roof.

DOINK

CHEW
CHEW
CHEW

158

Then it just went completely nuts, flying
around and crashing into the windows. Everyone
was in a total panic, and feathers and cheese
curls were everywhere.

Then the seagull got greedy and grabbed the bag
of cheese curls off the floor. But I snagged it
and held on for dear life. Everyone was yelling at
me to let go of the bag, but I wasn’t giving in.

SCREAM!

SCREECH!

SMACK

BONK

FLAP

FLAP

FLAP

159

Finally, the seagull beat me in our tug-of-war and
flew straight up through the sunroof, taking the
cheese curls with it. But the seagull didn’t get far
with the bag.

About three-quarters of the cheese curls ended
up BACK in the minivan, and from there it was a
total nightmare.

SLAM

THUMP

CRASH

THUNK

SMACK

WHOMP

160

A few of the seagulls flew up front, and Rodrick
got so freaked out he hit the gas. When the
birds finally cleared out and things settled down,
we had a whole NEW problem to deal with.

Believe it or not, the people in the car that we
rear-ended were actually pretty nice.

It was a man and his wife, and they seemed to
understand it was an accident. So they exchanged
insurance information with Dad, and the police
didn’t even need to get involved.

If anything GOOD came out of the accident, it
was that it got us out of going to the beach.

HISSSS

161

The BAD news was that now our van wouldn’t
start, and we had to wait an hour for a tow
truck to come.

All the traffic went down to one lane, and that
didn’t make us too popular with the people trying
to cross the bridge.

The guy at the auto repair shop said we cracked
the radiator and it was gonna take at least
four or five hours to fix it. That meant we
needed to find something to do for the rest of
the day.

BEEEP

HONK

162

When we stepped outside, I was pretty shocked
to find out we were only two blocks away from
Soak Central, which is where I wanted to go in
the FIRST place.

I BEGGED Mom to let us go there while we were
waiting for the van to get fixed.

She said she would rather we did something
“wholesome” like go to a local library, but this time
she was outvoted four to one.

SOAK

CENTRAL

163

So we walked to Soak Central and paid for tickets
at the gate. Then we got a locker and put in all
the stuff that we didn’t want to get wet.

We changed into our bathing suits and met outside
the restrooms. It was SUPER crowded, and
there was no way we were gonna find five lounge
chairs all together. We eventually found ONE
chair with a few broken straps, and dumped our
towels and the rest of our stuff on it.

DIG
DIG

DUMP

TOSS

164

Mom and Dad stayed back with Manny, so me
and Rodrick were on our own. But Mom said she
wanted the two of us to stick together.

We went to the giant wave pool first, but there
were about a BILLION people in it.

Rodrick suggested we play hide-and-seek, but
with all the people and rafts in the pool, I
knew it would be impossible for the seeker to find
the hider.

STRAIN

165

I said to make it FAIR, the hider couldn’t swim
underwater. I didn’t really trust Rodrick not to
cheat, but he came up with a way to make sure the
hider followed the rules.

Rodrick got a paper place mat from the snack bar
and said the hider had to keep it dry to prove he
didn’t go underwater. And I have to admit, I
was pretty impressed he came up with that all on
his own.

I volunteered to be the first hider and found a
spot at the far end of the pool where I knew
Rodrick would have trouble finding me.

SNACK

166

What I DIDN’T know was that Rodrick had
written something on the place mat before giving
it to me. Unfortunately, everyone AROUND me
noticed before I did.

What he wrote would’ve been bad enough on its
OWN, but the misspelled word somehow made it
WORSE.

I am not

waring a

bathing suit

167

And even MORE embarrassing was when the
lifeguard got down from her chair and told me I
had to get out of the pool.

When it comes to Rodrick, I’ve gotta learn never
to trust him. ESPECIALLY at water parks.

TWEET

SMILE!

CHEESE!

I was done with Rodrick after the place mat
thing and didn’t care if Mom said we needed to
stick together. I left him behind and went to a
waterslide by myself.

I hadn’t realized how long the line was until I
got halfway up the stairs. But by then a ton
of people were BEHIND me, and there was no
turning back. So I was packed in with these
people until I got to the top.

It was really hot, and people were starting to
get agitated by how slow the line was moving.

SMOOCH

169

Then the kid right behind me poked the lady in
FRONT of me in the butt with a pool noodle,
and she thought it was ME.

So then I had her BOYFRIEND to deal with.

I really didn’t want to get into a fight over
something like this, but luckily it didn’t come to
that. We were at the top of the stairs, and it was
time to go down the slide.

Unfortunately, the raft was a four-seater, which
made things pretty awkward on the ride down.

170

The slide emptied out into an area where there
were a ton of rafts, which was great because it
gave me a chance to hide from that woman and
her boyfriend. I went around the lazy river twice
to make sure I’d lost them.

I’d had enough with the water after that, so I
went back to our lounge chair to get my clothes.

SOAK

CENTRAL

SLOSH

171

But the chair was GONE, and all our stuff was
lying in a pile on the ground.

I found the rest of my family at the snack bar
getting lunch and told them what happened with
our lounge chair.

Mom said it wouldn’t be hard to figure out who
TOOK it because of the broken straps.

172

We spread out to look for it, and I searched the
area by the wave pool.

Sure enough, our lounge chair was there. But I
couldn’t BELIEVE who was SITTING in it.

I don’t know what the odds are of running into
the same people again and again, but this was
starting to get RIDICULOUS.

I figured it was best to just let the Beardos
HAVE our lounge chair and not make it into a
big deal. So when I caught back up with my
family, I pretended I didn’t have any luck
finding our chair.

173

By now our food was getting cold, and we still
didn’t have anywhere to eat. We eventually found
a place to sit behind the snack bar.

Everyone seemed ready to leave after that.
Mom asked for the key to the locker so she could
get our stuff. But I told her I didn’t HAVE it.

She said she had given me the key, but I turned
both pockets of my bathing suit inside out to
prove they were empty.

CHEW

SIP

CHEW
CHEW

LICK

174

I was pretty sure she’d given the key to
RODRICK, but he said HE didn’t have it, either.

Everybody searched themselves for the key, but
we all came up empty-handed. This was a HUGE
problem, because Mom and Dad’s cell phones and
wallets were in that locker, so we couldn’t leave
until we found it.

We went to an employee at the front counter and
told him we lost our key.

But when he asked what our locker number was,
none of us could remember. There were hundreds of
them, and they all looked exactly the same.

ADULTS : $25

CHILDREN : $20

175

He said the locker number was written on the key,
but of course THAT information wasn’t getting
us anywhere.

The guy said the only thing we could do was try
and FIND the key, so we split up and retraced
our steps across the water park.

Rodrick went to the wave pool where we played
hide-and-seek, and I went to the lazy river but
didn’t have any luck.

When we met back up, nobody had found the key.
Mom said maybe we accidentally threw it away
after we ate, so we dug through the trash near
where we sat.

176

Mom said we should all concentrate real hard and
try to remember which locker we put our stuff in,
and when I did, I could suddenly see it clearly in
my mind.

I told Mom, and we went straight to locker 929.
Sure enough, it was locked, and there was no key
in the door.

SHAKE
SHAKE

POKE

929

930

177

We went back to the guy at the counter to tell
him which locker was ours, but we had to wait a
long time before we could get his attention.

When we told him our locker number, he got out
the master key and walked over to number 929
with us. But by the time we got there, the key was
back in the slot and the locker was EMPTY.

ADULTS : $25

CHILDREN : $20

178

That meant someone had found our key and
STOLEN all our stuff.

Then I thought of ANOTHER possibility: When
the Beardos took our lounge chair, they must’ve
taken our KEY, too.

I decided to tell Mom and Dad all about the
Beardos and how they probably stole our stuff to
get some payback on me. Then I took them to
the area where I last saw them sitting.

But by the time we got there, they were GONE.

179

I was worried they might’ve already left the
park, so I ran to the front gate. And sure
enough, the purple van was pulling away.

I KNEW that family was bad news from the
beginning, but I never thought they were capable
of THEFT.

Dad used the phone at the front desk to call the
police, but the cops said that without a license
plate number it would be really hard to track down
our stolen stuff.

ZOOM

180

If there was any GOOD news about our situation,
it was that the key to the van wasn’t in the
locker, because it was back at the mechanic’s.

So we walked to the auto repair shop, where
the mechanic was getting ready to put in a new
radiator. He told Dad it was gonna cost almost
three hundred dollars, but Dad told him he
couldn’t pay because his wallet just got stolen.

Dad told the mechanic he’d mail him a check the
second we got home, but the guy said he couldn’t
take an “I.O.U.” He said what he COULD do
was put some sealant on the busted radiator,
which would last a day or two before it wore off.

181

But the mechanic said we’d have to run the heater
inside the van at full blast to keep the engine
from overheating. He said it might sound crazy,
but it actually works.

Mom and Dad talked it over and decided we should
just drive the van all the way home. We didn’t have
any money or a phone, but we DID have a full tank
of gas. Dad figured if we drove straight through,
we’d get back at about 3:00 in the morning.

Mom seemed pretty sad the trip was getting cut
short, but to be honest, I was kind of relieved.

When we got in the van, Dad turned up the heat
just like the mechanic told him to, and within
about thirty seconds it was a hundred degrees
inside the car.

182

Mom opened all the windows up front, but it was
like a FURNACE where I was sitting, since the
windows back there don’t open.

I told Mom I didn’t think I could make it all
the way home without dying of heatstroke, but
she said I’d be fine as long as I stayed hydrated.
Then she got two cases of water out of the boat
and brought them into the van.

FWOOSH

183

We headed out onto the highway, and I went
through four bottles of water in the first hour.

I tried to fall asleep to make the trip go faster,
but I got woken up when somebody started
honking their horn.

The people in the car next to us were waving their
arms and trying to get our attention.

When I looked behind us, I was surprised to see
that the tarp on the boat was loose and flapping
around in the wind.

And everything INSIDE the boat was flying OUT.

184

Cars were swerving left and right trying to
avoid our stuff flying through the air. By now,
Dad had seen what was going on in the rearview
mirror, and he pulled over to the side of the road.

We spent the next two hours walking down the
highway trying to recover all of our stuff. But we
had to give up when it got dark.

FLAP

FLAP

185

Once we got back to the van, we sorted through
the things we had collected. I’d say I found
about two-thirds of the clothes I’d packed for
the trip, but Mom said there were whole BAGS
that were missing.

What was REALLY gross was that a few of
the items we picked up weren’t even OURS.
Rodrick found a pair of underwear that was as
stiff as cardboard.

Once we got back in the car, Mom said we needed
to start thinking about eating. Rodrick wanted to
open the package of cinnamon rolls that was still
in the grocery bag, but Mom said they hadn’t been
refrigerated and he’d get sick if he ate them.

186

Mom used the GPS to try and find a place to
eat. But the only places that were open at that
hour were fast-food restaurants, and Mom
wasn’t happy about that.

We ended up pulling over at a rest stop along
the highway that had a fried chicken place. Since
we didn’t have any cash or credit cards, we had
to scrounge around on the floor of the car for
loose change.

We came up with three dollars and fifteen cents,
which I was pretty sure wasn’t even enough to
get a drumstick and a thigh.

Mom said maybe they had a value menu with less
expensive items, so we got out of the car and
walked to the restaurant.

187

But when we got to the entrance, the doors
were locked. We could see workers inside, but
apparently at that hour the only thing open
was the drive-through.

We got back in the car and tried to enter the
drive-through lane, but with the boat, it was
too tight a squeeze. So we had to repark and go
through on FOOT.

188

We stood next to the menu and waited for
someone to come on the speaker and take our
order, but no one did.

Dad said there must be some kind of sensor that
could detect the weight of a car, so we did our
best to trigger it.

Eventually, somebody inside noticed us and opened
the drive-through window.

JUMP

HOP

STOMP

STEP
STEP

189

Mom asked what we could get with the money we
had, and the cashier said we could buy a small box
of chicken nuggets and a biscuit.

So we got that, plus a handful of barbecue sauce
packets. Then we went back to the van and split
up the food five ways.

We drove for a half hour or so, but by now it was
pretty obvious we weren’t gonna make it all the
way home in one shot. So we were gonna have to
find a place to sleep.

We didn’t have any money for a hotel, so Mom
tried to find a campsite nearby.

190

The closest one was ten miles in the opposite
direction, though. Dad said we were just gonna
have to take the next exit, find a place where we
could park, and sleep in the car.

I was open to just about anything as long as we
could turn the heater off when we stopped.

But as soon as we took the exit, it was clear we’d
made a mistake.

First of all, the road wasn’t paved. There weren’t
any gas stations or stores or even any houses.
There were just trees on either side of the road,
and no streetlights.

We drove for a long time, but the road was
narrow and there wasn’t a good place to pull over.
I think everyone was getting pretty spooked,
and eventually Mom told Dad we should just get
back on the highway.

But Dad kept saying he was POSITIVE that
at any moment we were gonna find a good place
to stop.

The farther we went, though, the more nervous
Mom became, because now even the GPS didn’t
know where we were.

We saw some signs up ahead, and we all got
excited that maybe we were getting back to
civilization. But we were wrong.

192

Right at the moment when everyone’s nerves were
totally shot, there was a really loud noise.

Dad swerved off the road, and our car came to
a stop in the mud.

My ears were ringing, and I looked around to try
and figure out what had happened.

WARNING

HUNTING
AREA

BANG

193

I expected to see broken glass everywhere, but
the windows were intact, and there was some kind
of weird goo all over them.

Rodrick had the gooey stuff on the back of his
head, and he was TOTALLY freaking out.

I still didn’t know what was going on, but then
I looked in the grocery bag, which had shreds of
the cinnamon roll package inside.

The tube had EXPLODED because the bag was
sitting right on top of one of the heater vents.

194

But RODRICK didn’t know that yet. He had
uncooked cinnamon rolls all over the back of his
head, and he thought the dough was his BRAINS.

What upset Rodrick even MORE was when he saw
Manny licking the stuff off his fingers.

SCREAM!

SHRIEEEK!!!

LICK

195

Once Rodrick figured out what had happened
and calmed down, we cleaned up the inside of the
minivan with some paper towels.

Then Dad turned the car around and drove back
to the highway. At the next exit there was a
supermarket with an empty parking lot, so Dad
pulled in for the night.

We only had four reclining seats in the van and
five people, so Mom volunteered Dad to sleep in
the boat.

I know Dad was looking forward to using his boat
on this trip, but I’m guessing this was NOT what
he had in mind.

196

Wednesday

It took me a long time to fall asleep last night,
and I was woken up at about 6:00 in the morning
when the grocery store employees started arriving
for work.

By then the sun was up and it was already hot
in the car, plus we were all sticky and miserable
from sleeping in our clothes.

We walked over to the grocery store to see if
they’d let us use the bathroom to wash up, but
the manager said the store wouldn’t be open to
customers for another two hours.

RATTLE

RATTLE

RATTLE

197

When we were walking back to the car, Mom said
we could use Manny’s baby wipes to get cleaned up.
But then she realized she had accidentally locked
the keys inside the minivan.

There was HOPE, though. The sunroof was still
open, so Dad tried to FISH the keys out of the
cup holder.

SWING

198

After a lot of trying, he still couldn’t get the
right angle. It looked like we were out of
options at that point, but then Mom suggested
maybe MANNY could get the keys out.

So Dad lowered Manny through the sunroof by
his leash.

Once Manny was in the van, he took his sweet time.
First he went into the backseat and ate the two
barbecue sauce packets we had left. Then he dug
through my duffel bag and found a pack of Oreos
I’d been saving just in case.

POUND

POUND

POUND

GOBBLE
SMACK

199

Manny finally made his way to the front of the
car and got the keys, but instead of opening the
door to let us in, he started the engine.

Then he fiddled with the knob on the stereo until
he found a radio station he liked.

Mom and Dad were pounding on the windows,
trying to get Manny to open the door. But
then Manny put the car in DRIVE.

I think until then everyone had forgotten that
Manny had been trying to run away, because we
never would’ve made the mistake of letting him in
the van by himself if we had remembered.

THE ITSY-BITSY
SPIDER CLIMBED UP
THE WATERSPOUT

200

Luckily, Manny wasn’t tall enough to reach the
gas pedal, because if he could, he would’ve been
long gone.

I think Manny knew his escape plan was foiled,
at least for now. Mom finally convinced him to
unlock the doors and let us in.

Once we got going again, I started seeing some
familiar sights out the window, because we were
basically retracing our path back home.

We were coming up on the town where we spent the
first night of the trip, and when we passed by the
motel we’d stayed in, I saw the CRAZIEST thing.

SMASH

201

There was a purple van in the parking lot.

I told Dad, and he pulled over. We took a closer
look at the van, and sure enough, it was the one
that belonged to the Beardos.

That meant they were staying at THIS motel,
and were probably using Mom and Dad’s credit
cards to PAY for it.

We parked our car at the side of the building.
Dad said he was gonna call the cops, so he got
out to use the phone at the front desk.

202

But thirty seconds later Dad came running back
to the car.

He said he saw the Beardos leaving their room to
go down to the pool, and it looked like their door
was left open.

Mom said we should stick with the plan and call the
police, but Dad said that before we did, we should
do a little investigation of our OWN.

So we ALL got out and followed Dad to the
Beardos’ room. Just like he said, the door was
open a crack.

Dad nudged it open a little WIDER, and we
peeked inside to see if anything of ours was
sitting in plain view.

203

But we couldn’t see any of our stuff from where
we were standing.

Mom seemed pretty uneasy about what we were
doing, but then Dad pushed the door ALL the
way open, and there was no turning back.

TOSS

204

We couldn’t find anything of ours, so if the
Beardos DID have any of our stuff, they probably
carried it with them to the pool.

But as long as we had the run of their room, we
decided to take full advantage of it. I figured
it was OK since we were the ones paying for it.

I think Mom felt we were setting a bad example for
Manny, so she took him out to the car.

But the rest of us weren’t finished. Me and
Rodrick took turns using the bathroom while Dad
stood watch at the door.

Then he went in and told us to be lookouts for HIM.

AHHHH...

CHOMP

CHEW
SMACK

SPLASH

205

We had pushed our luck, though. The SECOND
Dad shut the door to the bathroom, I saw the
Beardos coming our way.

Now, I love my dad and all, but I’m too YOUNG
to die. So I bolted, and Rodrick was right
behind me.

I wasn’t there to SEE it, but I’m guessing it
was pretty awkward when Mr. Beardo opened his
bathroom door.

206

Me and Rodrick got in the van and locked the
doors. I was pretty convinced Dad wasn’t gonna
make it out of the room alive and we were just
gonna have to go on without him.

But Mom pulled the car around to the front of
the motel, and when she did, Dad burst out of
the Beardos’ room.

Somehow Dad had gotten the idea to grab their
car keys on his way out.

207

Before he got in our car he chucked the keys into
some bushes, which bought us some time.

I think we must’ve gotten two miles down the
road before Dad even bothered to pull his pants
back up.

We high-fived each other because we had escaped
with our lives. But in our rush to get away, we
forgot to turn on the HEATER.

And a few seconds later the RADIATOR
conked out.

TOSS

208

Mom had to cut across two lanes of traffic to get
the van into the breakdown lane. But in the spot
where we pulled over, there was a broken bottle,
and we rolled right over it.

We got out of the car so we could change the
tire. Dad opened the back hatch to find his jack,
but unfortunately I had taken it out before we
left for the trip to make room for my PILLOW.

The only thing we could do at that point was wait
for help to come.

SPUTTER

SHAKE

HISS

HISSSS

209

Eventually, a car pulled over behind us, but when
it got closer I knew we were in big trouble.

It was a purple van.

I figured the Beardos might try to ram us with
their car, so I braced for impact. But the van
slowed down, and when the doors opened, it
wasn’t the Beardos at ALL.

It was pretty obvious that whoever these guys
were, they were here to HELP.

ROLL

210

But they didn’t speak English, so we were having
trouble communicating with them. Mom and Dad
tried to act out what was wrong with the car, and
I’m sure the two guys thought my parents had
completely lost their minds.

Then Manny surprised EVERYONE by speaking
in perfect Spanish.

FLBBPT!

FRBBRP!

SBFTT!

GLBRF!

SALUDOS, AMIGOS.
GRACIAS POR PARAR
A AYUDARNOS.

211

The conversation between Manny and the two
guys lasted a long time, so I figured Manny
was explaining everything that had happened on
our trip.

He must’ve done a good job making the guys feel
sorry for us, because the next thing you knew,
they were offering us a RIDE. And I’m happy to
say their air-conditioning worked GREAT.

I think we assumed these guys were taking us to
a mechanic or something, but we were wrong.

TU CORAZÓN CANTA
PARA MI, MI AMOR

212

We should’ve realized that if MANNY was the one
doing all the talking, we’d end up going where HE
wanted to go.

Like I said before, Mom was right about pigs
being smart. She had it house-trained within a
week, and the pig even knows a few tricks already.

My only real complaint is that now I never get a
chance to watch my shows on TV, because the pig
has figured out how to use the remote.

Sunday

213

But I’m gonna let that go, because I don’t want
to get bit a second time.

It’s taken a while for everything to get back to
normal after the trip. Dad had to take a few
more days off work to cancel all his credit cards
and get new ones.

And tomorrow Mom and Dad are supposed to go
out and get new drivers’ licenses and phones.

WHAT SOUND
DOES A COW
MAKE?

OINK!

214

Our minivan’s been at the mechanic since it was
towed. We gave the BOAT to the drivers who
helped us out as a way of saying thanks, which
was actually Mom’s suggestion.

Mom’s been saying that even though our trip
didn’t go the way we planned, it was still an
adventure. She’s been working on an article to
send in to “Family Frolic” that I seriously hope
does NOT get published.

Mom’s also been making a scrapbook, and she asked
everyone to contribute a souvenir to put inside.

VROOM

TAPPITY

TAP

TAP

215

I was going through the clothes I wore on the
trip, and when I picked up my shorts, something
small fell out onto the floor.

It was the KEY from Soak Central.

I couldn’t believe I had the key all along. It
turns out I was wrong about the locker number.
But I should get SOME credit for being CLOSE.

Now that I have the key, I have a tough
decision to make. It feels like a page from one of
those Choose Your Own Adventure books.

292

216

I figure I have three basic choices: One, I
can tell Mom and Dad the truth and deal with
the consequences. Two, I can plant the key in
RODRICK’S dirty laundry and let HIM take
the blame. Or three, I can flush the key down the
toilet and forget this whole thing ever happened.

There’s a fourth option that involves the pig,
but I haven’t worked out the details of THAT
one yet.

But like I said before, whenever I have a
difficult choice to make, I always seem to pick
the wrong one. And whichever way I go here, it’s
hard to see this story having a happy ending.

FLUSH

217