PUFFIN BOOKS

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY

Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book
The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

by Jeff Kinney

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First published in the USA in the English language in 2013
by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS
Original English title: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck
(All rights reserved in all countries by Harry N. Abrams, Inc.)
Published simultaneously in Great Britain by Puffin Books 2013
Digital edition published 2013

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © Wimpy Kid Inc., 2013
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ are
trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc.
All rights reserved

MAGIC 8 BALL and associated trademarks and trade dress
owned by, and used under licence from, Mattel
Copyright © Mattel, 2013
All rights reserved

Book design by Jeff Kinney
Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

ISBN: 978–0–141–35068–4

TO CHARLIE

MARCH

Monday

Mom’s always saying that friends will come and go
but family is forever. Well, if that’s true, I could
be in for a rough ride.

I mean, I love my family and all, but I’m just
not sure we were meant to LIVE together. Maybe
it’ll be better later on when we’re all in different
houses and only see each other on holidays, but
right now things are just a little dicey.

1

I’m surprised Mom’s always pushing the “family”
message, since she and her sisters don’t really
get along. Maybe she thinks if she keeps
repeating it to me and my brothers, then
we’ll come out different. But, if I was her, I
wouldn’t hold my breath.

I think Mom is just trying to make me feel better
about my situation with Rowley anyway. Rowley’s
been my best friend ever since he moved into my
neighbourhood, but things have really changed
between us recently.

And it’s all because of a GIRL.

Believe me, the last person in the world I ever
thought would get a girlfriend was ROWLEY.

2

I always thought I’D be the one in a relationship
and Rowley would be the guy everyone kind of
felt sorry for.

I guess I’ve got to give Rowley some credit for
actually finding a girl who likes him. But I don’t
have to be HAPPY about it.

Back in the good old days, it was just me and
Rowley, and we hung out and did whatever we
wanted. If we felt like blowing bubbles in our
chocolate milk at lunch, then that’s exactly what
we did.

3

But now that there’s a girl in the picture things
are TOTALLY different.

Wherever Rowley is, his girlfriend Abigail is, too.
And even if she ISN’T there it SEEMS like she
is. I invited Rowley to my house for a sleepover
last weekend so the two of us could spend some
time together, but after about two hours I gave
up trying to have any fun.

4

And when the two of them are in the same place
it’s even WORSE. Ever since Rowley and Abigail

got together, it’s like Rowley doesn’t even have his
own OPINIONS any more.

I was hoping this would’ve all blown over by now
and things would be back to normal, but there’s
no sign of this ending anytime soon.

5

If you ask me, it’s ALREADY gone too far.
I’ve started noticing little changes in Rowley,

like the way he combs his hair and the clothes he
wears. And, I GUARANTEE you, Abigail is

behind all of it.

But I’M the one who’s been best friends with Rowley
all these years, so if anyone has the right to

change him it’s ME.

I just don’t get how you can go from being
someone’s best friend to getting kicked to the
kerb. But that’s exactly what happened.

During the winter, me and Rowley stored up some
snowballs in my freezer so we could have a snowball
fight when the weather got warm.

6

Well, yesterday was the first nice day we’ve had in
forever, but when I went over to Rowley’s house
he acted like he was too good for me.

The thing is , I can honestly say I’ve been nice
to Abigail, but SHE doesn’t like ME. She’s been
trying to drive a wedge between me and Rowley
ever since the two of them became a couple.

7

But whenever I try to bring the topic up with
Rowley I get the same thing every time.

I wish I could give Rowley a piece of my mind,
but I CAN’T because I’m depending on him to

get me through the school year.

I have Mr Blakely for English, and he makes
us turn in all our assignments in cursive. But it
really hurts my hand when I write in cursive
for too long, so I’ve been paying Rowley one
peanut-butter cracker for every page that he
transcribes for me.

8

But if I have to start writing my OWN
assignments the handwriting on my homework
won’t be the same as before, and Mr Blakely will
know.

So I’m stuck with Rowley, at least until I can
find someone who can write exactly like him and
who also likes peanut-butter crackers.

But the biggest problem with this Abigail
situation isn’t the English homework, it’s the
walk to school. Me and Rowley used to head in
together every morning, but now Rowley goes
over to Abigail’s neighbourhood and walks to

school with HER.

9

This is an issue for a COUPLE of reasons. For
one, me and Rowley have a deal where he’s in
charge of scouting ahead for dog poop on the
pavement. And that arrangement has saved me a
BUNCH of times.

There’s this one dog that really has it in for me
and Rowley, and we have to keep our guard up
whenever we pass by his house. He’s this really
mean Rottweiler named Rebel, and he used to get
out of his yard and chase us on our way to school.

10

Rebel’s owner had to install an electric fence to
make sure he couldn’t get loose. Now Rebel can’t
chase us, because if he takes one step out of his
yard he’ll get a shock from his collar.

Ever since me and Rowley found out about Rebel’s
electric collar, we’ve been having some fun with him.

But Rebel figured out that as long as his
COLLAR doesn’t cross over the property line

he won’t get shocked.

11

And if I didn’t have Rowley watching out for me
I definitely would’ve stepped on one of Rebel’s
land mines by now.

The other reason it stinks that Rowley isn’t
walking with me is because, with the school year
winding down, the teachers have really been
loading us up with homework lately.

That means I have to take almost all my books
home with me every day.

My body’s not built to carry that kind of weight,
but Rowley is practically like a pack animal, so it’s
no problem for HIM.

12

Unfortunately, Rowley is just as willing to help
Abigail with HER books, which makes me think

the only reason she’s even with him is to USE him.

And, as Rowley’s good friend, I find that a
little hard to take.

13

Tuesday

I figured out a pretty good solution to my book
problem. This morning I borrowed the wheelie case
Dad uses when he goes on trips, and carrying all
my school stuff was no sweat.

I was able to make pretty good time, too, but
that’s partially because I walked a little extra
fast when I went by Mr Sandoval’s house.

Before a snowstorm, Mr Sandoval always puts poles
in the ground on either side of his driveway so the
guy who ploughs it knows where the tarmac is.

The last time it snowed, me and Rowley plucked
the poles out of Mr Sandoval’s yard and started
horsing around with them.

14

But I guess we didn’t put the sticks back in
exactly the right place, because when the guy came
to plough Mr Sandoval’s driveway he was off by
about ten feet.

15

Mr Sandoval has been waiting for me and Rowley
to show our faces in front of his house again
so he can let us have it, but I’m not ready for
that conversation just yet. ESPECIALLY not
by myself.

Mr Sandoval’s not the ONLY danger between my
house and school, though.

Ever since they started doing construction on
Gramma’s street, we’ve had to take a detour on
the walk home. And that brings us right by the
woods where the Mingo kids hang out.

16

I don’t actually know a whole lot about the Mingo
kids. I’ve never seen any of them in school, so for
all I know they just live in the woods like a pack
of wild animals.

I’m not even sure if there are any parents or
grown-ups in the whole Mingo clan. I’ve heard
their leader is this boy named Meckley who always
wears a vest and a belt with a gigantic metal
buckle on it.

17

One time me and Rowley got too close to the
woods and one of the Mingo kids came out to let
us know.

I’m still not sure what he meant by that, but if
Meckley’s belt buckle was gonna be involved in any
way I didn’t want to stick around to find out.

Now that I’m walking home on my own, I have
to cross to the other side of the street when I
get near the Mingos’ woods. It wouldn’t be a big
deal except there’s no pavement over there, and
that can’t be good for Dad’s wheelie case.

18

Mom’s noticed I haven’t been hanging out with
Rowley lately. She said I shouldn’t get too worked
up over it because most friendships from childhood
don’t last and that me and Rowley will probably
grow apart over the years anyway.

Well, I hope that’s not true, because I think
it’s important for me to keep my childhood friends
so that later on someone can appreciate how far
I’ve come.

19

I’m not so sure Mom’s qualified to give me
friendship advice anyway, because guy friendships
are TOTALLY different from girl friendships.
And I know because I’ve read almost every single
book in the Slumber Party Pals series.

Before you judge me and say those books are for
GIRLS, let me just explain that the only reason
I got into them was because one time I forgot
to bring in a book for Silent Reading, and the
only books the teacher had were in the Slumber
Party Pals series. And once you’ve read ONE of

them you can’t stop.

20

There must be something like a hundred books in
that series. The first thirty or so were pretty
good, but after that I think the author started
running out of ideas.

Anyway, in the Slumber Party Pals books these
two friends are always getting into fights with
each other about little stuff.

21

But after a while things always cool down and the
girls learn the true meaning of friendship.

And that’s basically the plot of every single book
in the Slumber Party Pals series. Well, that might
be the way things work with GIRLS, but I can

tell you firsthand that it’s NOT the way it

works with BOYS.

For boys, things are just a lot less complicated.
For example, let’s say one guy breaks something
that belongs to another guy, but it’s totally an
accident. Well, five seconds later everybody’s moved
on and things are pretty much back to normal.

22

I don’t know if that means guys are less
sophisticated than girls or whatever, but I DO
know that the way we do things sure saves a lot
of time and energy.

Friday

I hate to say it, but Mom’s prediction about me
and Rowley is starting to come true.

Ever since Abigail and Rowley got together,
Abigail has been sitting at our lunch table, which
is all boys. I already mentioned how she’s not a
fan of the chocolate-milk bubble-blowing thing,

but there’s a lot of OTHER stuff she doesn’t
like either.

23

One of them is the Five-Second Rule. All the guys
at our table agree that if you drop a piece of food
on the floor, as long as you pick it up within five
seconds, it’s still OK to eat.

A new twist someone came up with recently is that
you can grab a piece of food off the floor even
if YOU’ RE not the one who actually DROPPED
it. I’ve lost two chocolate-chip cookies and a
Fudgsicle that way already.

24

This new rule has caused some other problems,
though. Yesterday, Freddie Harlahan ate a piece
of ham off the floor because he thought Carl
Dumas dropped it, but it was actually there from
the group that had lunch BEFORE us.

It might’ve even been there from before THAT,
because Freddie started to feel sick and ended up
in the nurse’s office for the rest of the day.

Something tells me they don’t have the Five-
Second Rule at the table Abigail used to sit at,
or probably any of the OTHER girls’ tables.
Another thing I’ll bet they don’t have is
French Fry Fridays.

25

They serve burgers in the cafeteria every Friday,
but the meat is grey and tastes like a wet sponge.
PLUS, they serve sweet-potato fries now instead
of regular french fries.

But Nolan Tiago’s mom works part-time in the
library, and every Friday she brings Nolan a
cheeseburger and fries from the fast-food place
on the corner.

Nolan eats his fries, but he always lets the rest
of us have whatever falls out into the bag. And
I’ve seen kids practically come to blows over a
few cold french fries.

26

We decided the only way to prevent someone from
getting hurt was to split the fries up evenly, so
we brought in Alex Aruda to divvy them up and
give everyone an equal number.

The rest of us keep an eye on Alex to make sure
he’s not taking any extra for himself.

Some kids eat all their fries at once, but I nibble
mine real slow to make them last as long as possible.

But no matter how many fries we get it’s never
enough. Today there were only THREE fries in
the bag, and we had to split them ten ways.

27

So you had a couple of kids paying Nolan a dime
each just to smell the fries on his breath. And I
think that’s what made Abigail finally decide to
look for another place to sit.

When Abigail moved to a different table, she
took Rowley with her. But that’s fine with ME
because it means more french fries for the rest
of us.

Abigail and Rowley moved to the Couples Table,
which is the only place in the whole cafeteria where
there’s still room to sit. After the Valentine’s Day
dance, almost all the couples in our grade broke
up, so Rowley and Abigail didn’t have any trouble
finding a spot.

28

The reason the couples have a whole table all to
themselves is because no one else can stand to be
around them. Let me just say that you couldn’t
PAY me to sit and watch Abigail feed Rowley his
pudding every day.

The SECOND that Rowley and Abigail left our
table, two guys slid right into their empty spots.
There aren’t enough seats in the cafeteria for all
the kids in our lunch period, so there’s actually a
line to get one.

If you didn’t get a seat on the first day of
school, you were out of luck. There are some kids
who have been waiting since September, and they’ll
probably STILL be waiting for a seat on the last
day of school.

29

I feel pretty lucky I got a seat, because the
people who didn’t get one have to find a place to
sit anywhere they can.

The kids in the middle of the line have pretty
much given up hope that they’re gonna get a
seat, so some of them have started selling their
spots to the kids behind them. I heard that
Brady Connor sold his position at the number-
fifteen spot to Glenn Harris, who was one spot
back, for five dollars and an ice-cream sandwich.

30

Unfortunately for me, the two kids in the
front of the line were Earl Dremmell and his
twin brother, Andy, and they took Abigail and
Rowley’s spots. Earl and Andy have Phys Ed
right before lunch, and those guys both fake
their gym showers, just like I do.

Even though I sit at a table with a bunch
of guys, I wouldn’t call any of them my actual
FRIENDS. Because when we head outside for
recess, we all go our separate ways.

I USED to hang out with Rowley during recess,
but those days are over. It’s probably time for
me to strike out on my own, but the problem is
I don’t know where I’m supposed to go.

First of all, there are some kids I have to watch
out for on the playground.

31

A few years ago Mom invited a bunch of my
classmates to my birthday party, but she thought
I already had enough toys and she said so on the
invitation.

Usually, when you open presents at your birthday
party, all the other kids are jealous. But at
MY party I think people just felt sorry for me.

32

Unfortunately, Mom’s idea caught on with a
bunch of OTHER moms in our neighbourhood,
and nowadays I have to be careful whenever I
see a kid walking around at recess carrying a
new book.

Then there’s Leon Feast and HIS gang. I got
into a situation with those guys a few summers
ago, and there’s been bad blood between us
ever since.

One day me and Rowley went down to the
school to ride our bikes on the basketball court,
but Leon and his friends showed up a few
minutes later.

33

They told us that we were gonna have to leave
so they could play basketball.

I told Leon we could make a compromise and they
could have one half of the court and we could ride
our bikes on the other. But they didn’t like THAT
idea and gave us the boot.

On the ride home I was really mad that we
let ourselves get pushed around like that, and
I wanted to DO something about it. A few
days later Mom asked me out of the blue if I
wanted her to sign me up for the “Superhero
Training Academy”. She showed me the flyer,
and I was sold.

34

I couldn’t WAIT to graduate from the Superhero
Training Academy and show Leon and his gang a
thing or two.

35

Rowley’s mom signed HIM up, too, and we were
both pretty excited about it. But on the first day
I realized it was a total scam.

First of all, the Superhero Training Academy
was in the gymnastics room at the YMCA and
not some secret bunker underneath the building.
Then I found out the whole “superpower” part
was a joke.

So me and Rowley were stuck in day camp for a
week while our moms ran errands. And at the end
we didn’t even get masks or costumes or anything
cool like that. We just got these stupid certificates.

36

A few weeks later we went down to the school on
our bikes again and, sure enough, Leon and his
friends were on the basketball court. But I guess
I should’ve given Rowley the heads-up that his
“superhero training” was totally worthless.

37

Aside from the kids I need to avoid, like Leon,
there are a few different groups that hang out
together at recess. But I don’t think I really
fit in with any of them.

There are some kids who play a fantasy-card game
and another group that just hangs out and reads.

Then there’s the group that plays on the field.
A few months ago the school banned any games
that involve a ball because too many kids were
getting hurt.

So these guys made up a game where somebody’s
SHOE is the ball. But don’t even ask me what the
point of the game is.

38

Erick Glick hangs out with his sketchy friends
behind the school where the teachers can’t see
them. I’ve heard that if you want to buy an old
book report or homework assignment, he’s the
guy to talk to.

The GIRLS hang out in groups, too. There’s one
that jumps rope near the side of the school and
another that does hopscotch fifty feet away. I’ve
heard the two groups don’t get along, but I
have no idea what that’s all about.

I’ll tell you the group I WISH I could join, and
that’s the girls who hang out near the cafeteria
door and gossip about everyone who walks by.

39

I’ve tried to slip into that group before, but it’s
pretty clear outsiders aren’t welcome.

The only place where boys and girls hang out
TOGETHER is on the playground. Some of the
kids have started playing Girls Chase Boys, which
was a big thing back in elementary school.

40

I’ve tried to get in on the Girls Chase Boys game
over the years, but most of the girls are only
interested in chasing the POPULAR guys like
Bryce Anderson.

Every so often during Girls Chase Boys, somebody
will yell out and flip the whole game.

41

It goes back and forth like that until the bell
rings and it’s time to go inside.

The only problem with that game is they never say
what you’re supposed to do when you actually CATCH
someone. I remember the time in fifth grade when
we were playing Boys Chase Girls and I caught Cara
Punter fair and square.

Cara reported me to the playground monitor,
who made me sit against the wall for the rest
of recess. I’m pretty sure the school called my
PARENTS, too.

42

I think the school realized there are some kids
who have trouble joining in with the others at
recess, so a few weeks ago they turned the bully-
reporting station on the playground into a “Find
a Friend” station.

I always thought the Find a Friend station was a
lame idea, but it’s not like I have a lot of options
these days.

43

I don’t know if people didn’t notice the blue light
going off or if everyone was just too busy playing
Girls Chase Boys, but no kids came over. I think
Mr Nern must’ve felt sorry for me, because he
walked over with a box of checkers.

I guess it was better than nothing. But I
hope Mr Nern doesn’t think this is gonna be a
regular thing.

44

Wednesday

OK, you KNOW things are bad when even your
little brother has more friends than you.

A family with a kindergarten-age kid named Mikey
moved in down the street a few weeks ago, and
Mikey and Manny hit it off. The two of them
have been hanging out after school every day since
they met.

Mikey loves to drink grape juice, and I’ve never
seen him without a juice ring round his lips. So
he always looks like a forty-year-old man with
a goatee.

The only thing Mikey and Manny do together
is watch TV.

45

As far as I know, neither of them has ever said
a single word to the other, but I guess something
about their relationship just works.

And, even crazier than that, now GRANDPA
has a girlfriend. I didn’t even know you could still
DATE once you got to be Grandpa’s age, but I
guess I was wrong.

I probably shouldn’t be surprised. Dad says that
at Leisure Towers the women outnumber the men
ten to one. So there are always women lined up
at Grandpa’s door trying to win him over with
casseroles and baked goods.

46

Grandpa started dating this widow named
Darlene, and we met her this weekend when they
came over for dinner.

I think it’s totally crazy that Rowley and
Grandpa both have girlfriends at the same time.

47

All I can say is that if these are the people
who are gonna populate the next generation
the human race is in BIG trouble.

I never should’ve opened up to Mom about
what’s been going on in my social life, because
now she’s made it her mission to help me find
new friends.

Yesterday she invited her old roommate from
college to our house because her friend has a son
and Mom thought the two of us might really “hit
it off”.

But what Mom DIDN’T mention is that her
friend’s son is a high school SENIOR, which made
for a really awkward afternoon.

48

Lately Mom’s been giving me tips on how to make
new friends at school.

I think her heart is in the right place, but the
advice she gives me would NEVER work with kids
my age. For example, Mom said that if I’m just
really nice to everyone I meet, then word will
spread and I’ll become the most popular kid at
school in no time.

49

Maybe that kind of stuff worked when Mom was
growing up, but kids aren’t like that any more. I
keep telling Mom that NOWADAYS popularity is
based on stuff like what kinds of clothes you wear
and what kind of mobile phone you have. But she
doesn’t want to hear it.

At school there’s this big push to encourage
“positive reinforcement”, so they’ve started taking
down all the anti-bullying posters in the hallways
because they don’t fit with the new theme.

Now, instead of punishing kids for acting mean
to each other, they’re rewarding kids for
being NICE.

50

The basic idea is that if a teacher catches you
being kind to another kid you get a “Hero Point”.

If you get a certain number of Hero Points you
can turn them in for prizes like extra recess time.

And the homeroom that gets the MOST Hero
Points gets a day off from school in June.

51

I actually thought it was a pretty decent idea,
but of course people always have to go and mess
things up. Right away kids realized they didn’t
actually have to do good deeds to get Hero
Points. They just started FAKING good deeds
whenever the teachers were around.

Hero Points are printed on sheets of ten, and
teachers tear one off when they want to reward
a kid.

Erick Glick got his hands on one of the sheets
and photocopied it, so after that there were all
these counterfeit Hero Points going around school.

52

Erick started selling them for twenty-five cents
a point, but then other kids realized THEY could
make copies, too, and after that there were so
many Hero Points going around that you could buy
a HUNDRED for a QUARTER.

The teachers got suspicious when the worst kids
in our class started turning in tons of Hero Points
for extra recess.

53

So the school invalidated all the Hero Points
printed on white paper and created a whole new
batch on GREEN paper. But it didn’t take long
for people to start making copies on green paper,
and the whole thing started all over again.

Every time the school changed the colour of
the paper, there would be fakes made within
twenty-four hours. Finally, the school started
punishing kids who turned in more than five Hero
Points at a time, because the teachers saw that
as proof they were counterfeit.

54

But THAT wasn’t fair, either. Marcel Templeton,
one of the nicest kids in our class, got put in
detention for the rest of the month even though
he’d earned his thirty-five Hero Points legitimately.

Eventually, the janitor busted one of the main
counterfeit operations when he walked into an empty
Science room that kids were using as their base.

55

The school cancelled the whole Hero Points
programme after that, which stinks because now
that extra recess is off the table nobody’s willing
to do anything nice.

Sunday

I think Mom took that stuff I said about
popularity with kids my age to heart, because
today she took me out clothes shopping.

Ordinarily I can’t STAND going clothes shopping,
because the only time we do it is at the beginning
of the school year. And once a year is enough
for ME.

56

I’ve done a lot of boring things in my life, but
NOTHING saps my energy more than back-to-
school clothes shopping.

57

Usually, Mom takes us shopping at this place
downtown called Frugal Freddy’s. I think the
people who run that store understand guys,
because they give us our own little area to sit in
while the women shop.

Last September Mom took me and Rodrick to
Frugal Freddy’s and picked out all our clothes for
us. Unfortunately, she forgot to come GET us
after she was done shopping, and she got all the
way home before she realized it.

We must’ve been in there for three hours before
Mom came back to get us.

58

Well, today I was actually EXCITED to go
clothes shopping. I got two pairs of jeans and
three shirts, but the thing I was most pumped
about was the SHOES.

All of my shoes are hand-me-downs from Rodrick,
and whenever I get a pair of HIS shoes I have
to spend a few hours scraping the bubble gum off
the bottoms.

59

The only time I had a new pair of shoes was in
fourth grade when Mom got me some trainers for
the first day of school.

I told her I’d never heard of “Sportzterz”
before. She told me they were from Europe and
had “space-age technology”. So I was all proud of
my new shoes when I went to school.

60

But at recess the rubber soles on both shoes fell
clean off. I was upset, and when I got home I
showed Mom, who said not to worry and that we’d
take them back to the store and get new ones.

That’s when I found out she’d bought the shoes
at the dollar store and the whole “space-age
technology” thing was just a bunch of baloney.

When Mom said she was taking me shoe shopping
today, I made sure she knew I was only interested
in name brands.

61

It wasn’t easy deciding which shoes to get,
though. There are about a million different
types, and each one is supposedly good for a
specific thing.

There are shoes for hiking, shoes for running,
shoes for skateboarding, and a bunch of other
ones, too.

There was a pair of fancy high-tech basketball
shoes I really liked. They had some sort of
thing in the soles that’s supposed to make you
jump higher, and I was seriously thinking about
getting them.

62

But I got nervous that if I bought those I’d be
totally out of control on the walk to school.

Then there was a pair of green “cross-training”
shoes that really looked awesome, but on the box it
said they were for the “serious athlete”.

63

So if I got those I think they’d just be wasted
on me.

I even thought about getting a pair of those
shoes with wheels in them so I could blow by the
Mingo kids’ woods every day.

I finally decided on some shoes that were sporty
but not too over-the-top. Mom asked me if I
wanted to wear them home, but there was no
WAY I was gonna let my shoes get dirty before
I wore them to school for the first time.

64

Plus, it gave me a chance to enjoy the new-shoe
smell all the way home.

Monday

I never noticed how DIRTY the ground
is until I got my new shoes. And not just
the actual ground but the street and the
SIDEWALK, too.

The way to school is like a minefield of mud and
grease and other junk, and you practically have
to be a ninja to avoid all of it.

65

In fact, after getting only one block from
my house this morning, I turned round and
went back inside. I got some of those plastic
grocery bags to put my feet in, and for a while
everything was good.

But eventually the bottoms of the bags got
shredded, and then they didn’t give me any
protection at ALL. So I just ripped the rest
of the bags off and threw them in the nearest
trash can.

66

After that I did my best to avoid the danger
areas. I stayed on the pavement until I realized
I was getting pebbles in the little grooves of
my shoes, and I knew those were gonna take
FOREVER to dig out with a stick. So I tried
to minimize the amount of rubber that touched
the cement.

Eventually, I gave up and just walked on the
grass. By the time I got to school, I was
twenty minutes late, but it was totally worth it
to show up in style.

67

Unfortunately, we were having a pop quiz in
Geography, and I had to try and catch up to
everyone else.

A few minutes into the quiz, I noticed a really
terrible smell. At first I thought it was
Bernard Barnson, who usually doesn’t smell too
good in general.

But this was WAY worse than usual. I took my
stuff to a desk at the back of the room so I could
concentrate on my quiz, but the smell FOLLOWED
me. And that’s when I realized where it was
REALLY coming from.

68

I must’ve stepped in dog poop when I walked on
the grass. And I knew EXACTLY where it had
happened, too.

I took my shoe off and went to the front of the
room to tell Mrs Pope about my situation.

But I think Mrs Pope thought I was trying
to skip out on the pop quiz, because she gave me
a plastic bag to put my shoe in and told me to
return to my seat.

69

By now the rest of the kids had figured out what
was going on, and everyone had a good laugh at
my expense.

Usually, I find poop as funny as the next guy,
but that’s when someone ELSE steps in it.

In fact, the best time I ever had with Rowley
was on the Fourth of July when his parents took
us downtown to see the fireworks. We had to get
there a few hours early to set up our blanket in
the park.

One of the police horses unloaded right on the main
path where everybody was walking by, and the two
of us spent the rest of the night watching people’s
reactions as they tried to avoid it.

70

Those were some good times, but I guess they’re
all over now.

What really makes me mad is that if everything
was the way it was SUPPOSED to be I
would’ve been walking to school with Rowley this
morning and he would’ve been doing his job of
scouting ahead.

But Rowley had to go and get himself a girlfriend,
and now I guess I’M the one who has to suffer.

71

I had tracked Rebel’s mess all over the classroom,
and they had to call in Mr Meeks to clean it up.
He kept shooting me dirty looks, which made it
really tough to concentrate on my pop quiz.

After class ended I went to the front office to
see if there was anything they could do to help
me. The school secretary let me look through the
Lost and Found box for a replacement shoe, but
the only thing in there that even came close was a
girl’s winter boot.

72

Right then Mr Nern came out of the teachers’
lounge, and the secretary asked him if he happened
to have any spare shoes. Mr Nern said he
actually had an extra pair in his office, and he
went to get one for me.

I never noticed before, but Mr Nern has some
GIGANTIC feet. And I hope just because he
lent me his shoe doesn’t mean I have to keep
playing checkers with him at recess.

73

Wednesday

Since I’m not hanging out with Rowley after
school any more, I’ve got a LOT more time on
my hands. But the thing I’ve learned is that you
should never tell your mom you’ve got nothing to do.

So I’ve been going outside after school just to
avoid doing chores at home. Mom’s been telling
me I should “branch out” and try to find new
friends in the neighbourhood, but where I live the
pickings are pretty slim.

A few houses down are the Lasky boys, but
THEIR idea of a good time is stripping down to
their underwear and wrestling in the front yard.

74

Diagonally across the street is a kid named
Mitchell Flammer, who I think is a year or two
younger than me. But I don’t even know what
he LOOKS like, because I’ve never seen him
without a motorcycle helmet on.

A few houses down on the right, you’ve got Aric
Holbert, who was suspended three weeks ago for
breaking in and vandalizing the school.

75

He tried to deny it was him, but it was pretty
pointless.

Then there’s Fregley, who lives a few houses up
from me. If there’s anything GOOD that’s come
out of my situation in the past few weeks, it’s
that I haven’t had to walk by Fregley’s house on
my way up to see Rowley.

76

Unfortunately, Mom’s always trying to set up
a “playdate” between me and Fregley. She says
she feels bad for him because he seems like a
“lonely boy”.

I really wish Mom wouldn’t say things like that,
because then it makes me feel all guilty. And,
trust me, I already feel bad ENOUGH seeing
Fregley out on the playground every day.

But today I had a really crazy thought: I
realized that, if I became friends with Fregley,
I could mould him into EXACTLY the type of
friend I wanted.

77

I could basically take all the things I like
about Rowley and teach Fregley how to do
them. Plus, Fregley could bring something
EXTRA to the table.

I’ve noticed that at my school the most popular
guys have a funny sidekick. One of the boys in
Bryce Anderson’s entourage is Jeffrey Laffley,
and I GUARANTEE you the only reason Bryce
keeps Jeffrey around is for comic relief.

And girls NEVER go for the funny sidekick, so
Fregley wouldn’t even be a threat to me.

78

I’ll just need to make sure people think Fregley is
acting funny on PURPOSE. Because with him you
can never really tell.

Today at lunch I went to find Fregley and invite
him to sit at our table. He was so far back in the
line to get a seat that he was out in the hallway
near the boys’ bathroom.

79

Luckily, Fregley is pretty skinny, so we were able
to squeeze him in. The first thing I did was tell
him how things worked, starting with the Five-
Second Rule.

I was right in the middle of telling him how you
can claim a piece of food that doesn’t belong to
you, when Fregley went for the crisp in my hand
with no warning.

I was pretty mad, and I told Fregley that if he
was gonna pull that kind of nonsense he could go
back to his spot on the floor in the hallway.

80

I explained that somebody had to actually DROP
something before it could be claimed. He seemed to
get it and sort of tried to apologize, so I guess
you’d have to call that progress.

While Fregley was eating lunch, I sneaked a peek
at his notebook to see how good his cursive was.
But when I saw what was on the first page
I wished I hadn’t.

81

After school, I asked Fregley if he wanted to
walk home with me. I explained how I needed him
to scout ahead for dog poop, and how he’ll have
to pull my wheelie case from time to time. Fregley
seemed eager to help out, and things started off
pretty smoothly.

But I wasn’t paying attention, and I forgot to
cross the street when we got near the Mingo kids’
woods. So the next thing we knew we had the
whole pack of them chasing after us.

82

We finally lost them when we got to the bottom
of our street, but when Fregley gave my case back
it was practically EMPTY.

I asked Fregley what happened to all my books,
and he said he threw them out when the Mingo
kids were chasing us. I asked him why he’d gone
and done THAT, and he said he was hoping
they’d stop and READ them.

83

So day one was a little bit of a disaster. But
Fregley’s gonna be a long-term project, and I’d
better prepare myself for some bumps along the way.

Thursday

This morning me and Fregley were supposed to
walk to school together, but at 8:30 he still
hadn’t shown up at my house. So I went over to
his place and knocked on the front door.

Nobody answered, and I was about to just head
to school by myself when I heard some noises
inside like a bowling ball falling down the stairs.
Then the front door opened, and Fregley was
standing there.

84

Fregley told me that when he was getting dressed
he accidentally put his shirt on upside down
and got stuck. That meant it was up to ME to
untangle him.

At first I was a little irritated, but then I
realized this was just the kind of thing other
people might find FUNNY.

So at lunch I brought Fregley over to one of the
girls’ tables and had him do the thing with his
shirt again.

85

Unfortunately, we must’ve picked the wrong table,
because not ONE of the girls even let out a chuckle.

I asked Fregley if he knew any jokes, but he
said he didn’t. Then I asked him if he knew how
to do any tricks, and he pulled out a piece of
bubble gum.

Fregley took off his shirt and put the gum in his
belly button. I didn’t know where this was going,
so I took a few steps back. And then, no lie, he
started CHEWING it.

I don’t know if any of the girls were impressed,
but I definitely was. Then Fregley said he was
gonna blow a BUBBLE, which was something I

HAD to see.

86

But I should’ve known it’s not physically possible
to blow a bubble with your belly button.

Word about Fregley’s talent got around the cafeteria
quick, and for the rest of the lunch period almost
every boy in our class was at our table wanting to see
what ELSE Fregley could chew.

In fact, it got so crowded there wasn’t even a
place for ME to sit.

87

So while Fregley was enjoying his moment in the
spotlight I was eating my lunch out in the hallway.

This just goes to show that no matter how nice
you are to some people they’ll turn their back on
you the second they get the chance.

Friday

With everything that’s been going on at school,
I’ve really been looking forward to spring
break. I figure having a week to myself will be
EXACTLY what the doctor ordered.

88

But tonight my plan for a stress-free week went
out the window. When Dad asked Mom what we’re
doing for Easter this year, she said her family is
coming to town.

I was TOTALLY blindsided by that news, and
I could tell Dad felt the exact same way.

Mom NEVER tells us when her family is coming to
visit, because she knows if she gives us too much
advance warning we’ll make a run for it.

Most of the relatives on Mom’s side of the family
live pretty far away, so we don’t see them that
often. I’m OK with that because whenever we
DO see them I need plenty of time to recover.

89

I’m sure most families have their issues, but it
seems like when it comes to Mom’s side there’s just
a lot of extra drama.

Mom has four sisters, and they’re so different
from one another that it’s kind of amazing they
grew up under the same roof.

Mom’s oldest sister is Aunt Cakey, who isn’t
married and doesn’t have any children. And that’s
probably a good thing, because it’s pretty obvious
she doesn’t like kids.

One time when I was little, Aunt Cakey came
to stay with us, and Mom went out for a few
hours and left me behind with her. But I don’t
think Aunt Cakey had ever been alone with a kid
before, and she seemed on edge the whole time.

90

I guess she thought I was gonna break
something, so the first thing she did was put
everything that was fragile out of reach. Then
she just stood there and watched me to make
sure I didn’t touch anything.

After about an hour, Aunt Cakey said it was
time for me to take a nap. I tried to tell her I
didn’t really take naps any more, but she said it’s
rude to talk back to an adult.

Aunt Cakey said she’d be downstairs in the
laundry room ironing and she’d come wake me up
in a few hours.

91

Then she turned out the light, but just before
she shut the door she said –

The idea of touching the iron never would’ve
entered my mind, but once Aunt Cakey put it in my
head I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So half
an hour later I sneaked downstairs like I was on
some kind of stealth mission.

92

Aunt Cakey was in the family room watching
television, and I had to go past her to get into
the laundry room.

Once I was in, I pulled out the little stool Mom
uses to reach high places and pressed my whole
hand on the iron.

93

Don’t ask me WHAT I was thinking. I ended
up with a second-degree burn, and Mom’s never
trusted Aunt Cakey to babysit again, which I’m
sure is just fine with HER.

Mom’s youngest sister is Aunt Gretchen, and she’s
the complete OPPOSITE of Aunt Cakey. Aunt
Gretchen has twin boys named Malvin and Malcolm,
who are TOTALLY wild. In fact, they’re so out
of control Aunt Gretchen used to keep them on
child leashes.

94

One time when Aunt Gretchen and her kids
visited, they brought their PETS with them. So
it was like a zoo in our house.

Aunt Gretchen took off for a few days to go
sightseeing, and we had to take care of her kids
AND her animals. It got totally out of hand
when her rabbit gave birth to a litter of bunnies
two days before she got back.

95

Dad wasn’t too happy about the situation, because
Aunt Gretchen had told us her rabbit was a BOY.

I can deal with Aunt Gretchen’s pets, but her
sons are a whole OTHER matter.

On that same visit, Malvin and Malcolm played a
game of catch in our driveway with a rock or a
piece of concrete or something.

I admit I’ve done some dumb things in my life,
but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as
stupid as THAT.

Before you knew it, Mom had taken Malvin to the
emergency room to get stitches in his forehead,
and we were responsible for Malcolm.

96

While Mom was gone, Malcolm somehow managed to
get hold of Dad’s shaving kit, and by the time
we found him there was nothing anybody could do
about it.

Dad said if Aunt Gretchen and her boys are
staying with us this time around he’s gonna get a
hotel room for himself. But Mom said we’re family
and family should be TOGETHER.

I’ll tell you one person who WON’T be coming
to Easter, though, and that’s Aunt Veronica.
She hasn’t been to a family event in something
like five years, or at least not in PERSON. I
think being with the family stresses her out, so
whenever there’s a big gathering she makes her
appearance by video conference.

97

In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen her in the flesh
since I was three or four.

One summer we all got together for an outdoor
wedding. The ceremony lasted something like two
hours and it was really hot, and I could tell
Aunt Veronica was playing video games on her
computer the whole time.

98

The only aunt I haven’t talked about yet is
Aunt Audra. She’s one of those people who
believe in crystal balls and horoscopes and all
that, and she doesn’t do ANYTHING without
talking to her psychic.

I know this firsthand because I stayed with her
for two weeks a few summers back.

When Mom found out Aunt Audra took me along
to her psychic appointments, she wasn’t happy.
Mom said all that fortune-telling stuff was just a
bunch of “hocus-pocus” and that Aunt Audra was
wasting her money.

99

But I had a FEELING Mom would say something
like that.

I don’t know what kind of training you need to
become a psychic, but if there’s not too much work
involved, then I could totally see that as a career
path for me.

100

I’m kind of surprised Mom feels that way about
fortune-telling and all that, because SHE’S the
one who’s always saying Gramma has ESP. I
don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it IS,
then Gramma’s not using her powers to their
full potential.

To be honest with you, I don’t know how much I
believe in that type of stuff myself. All I can say
is that none of it has helped ME any.

When I was eight, we went on a family camping
trip and stopped at a store that sold all sorts of
souvenirs and trinkets.

101

Dad gave me three dollars to spend, and I used
it all to buy a rabbit’s foot, which was supposed to
bring me good luck.

But on that trip I got food poisoning AND
sprained my ankle. So I got rid of the rabbit’s
foot the first chance I got.

It’s just as well, because I was uncomfortable
carrying that thing around anyway. I realized
that if I ended up winning the lottery or
something because of my rabbit’s foot I wouldn’t
really be able to enjoy it.

102

Whenever Dad leaves the newspaper out on the
kitchen table, I always read my horoscope.
But there’s never any information in it I can
actually USE.

And fortune cookies are even MORE worthless.
We used to go to the Chinese restaurant in the
centre of town on Christmas Eve, and I was
always excited to open my cookie to see what the
future held for me.

But here’s the fortune I got the last time I
was there –

I mean, whoever wrote THAT one wasn’t even
TRYING.

103

See, what I NEED is something that actually
TELLS me what to do, so I don’t have to guess.
Up to this point, I’ve been making all my own
decisions, and I’m not super happy with the results.

Wednesday

I actually used to look FORWARD to when
Mom’s family came to town, because it was a good
way for me to make some cash.

One year I was drawing pictures at the kitchen
table, and Mom told me I should try selling my
drawings to the family.

104

It actually worked out GREAT. I’d draw a
picture of a house or a turtle, and turn round and
sell it to someone in the family for five bucks.

In the weeks leading up to a big family
holiday, I’d draw as fast as I could so I had
a big stockpile when my relatives arrived. One
Thanksgiving I drew so many pictures that I
made eighty dollars.

105

In fact, it was so easy to turn my art into cash
that I thought that’s how it was gonna be for
the rest of my life.

But once I got a little older the same relatives who
were snapping up my drawings when I was little
weren’t as quick to pull out their wallets.

And I’m still not sure if it’s because I went back
to the same people too many times or because I’d
doubled my prices.

106

But when Manny started selling HIS drawings all
of a sudden my relatives were like human ATM
machines.

Let me just say this: when I draw a picture, I
put a lot of time and effort into it. But Manny
scribbles out fifteen drawings in a minute, and don’t
even ask me what half of them are supposed to BE.

107

This all just goes to show that some people have
no taste when it comes to art.

Thursday

We’re having Easter at Gramma’s house again this
year, which kind of stinks, because Gramma’s house
isn’t very kid-friendly. The only thing she has
that’s even CLOSE to a toy over there is this
stuffed elephant called Ellie.

108

Gramma bought Ellie as a chew toy for our old
dog, Sweetie, who lives with her now.

But Sweetie tore off Ellie’s trunk, ears and legs
on the first day he had it. So now you can’t even
tell it’s supposed to be an elephant.

If you’re a kid, that’s all you’ve got for
entertainment at Gramma’s house. And there’s
only so much fun you can have with a stuffed
bowling pin.

109

It wouldn’t be so boring at Gramma’s if Sweetie
could still PLAY like he used to. But Gramma
has fed him so much dog food and table scraps
that at this point he’s basically a beach ball
with legs.

PLUS, Gramma dresses him up like a little person
now, so I think he’s just really depressed.

Every once in a while when we have dinner over
at Gramma’s, we try and have a little fun with
Sweetie anyway.

One night we found out that if you sneak
up behind him when he’s sleeping and make a
raspberry sound with your lips, his ears perk up.

110

Then Sweetie sniffs his rear end for the next five
minutes and goes back to sleep.

Me and Rodrick do that over and over, and
Sweetie has the EXACT same reaction every
single time. But one night when Dad gave it a try
it TOTALLY backfired.

111

Even though Gramma’s house is boring, Easter
actually used to be pretty fun. When Great
Granny Meemaw was still alive, we’d always have
a big Easter egg hunt at Gramma’s.

Meemaw was Gramma’s mom. No disrespect to
Meemaw or anything, but if I ever have grandkids
I’M gonna be the one who chooses what they call
me, not THEM.

And I’m gonna go with something basic like
“Grandpa” or “Grandad”, because I don’t want
to end up getting stuck with some goofy nickname
for the rest of my life.

112

I’m sure my great grandfather wishes he could
change his name, but he’s about ninety-three years
old, so there’s really no point now.

Anyway, Meemaw was in charge of putting prizes
in the plastic eggs for the Easter egg hunt.
She’d stuff them with things like candy and
change, but every so often she’d drop in a five-
dollar bill.

Then she’d hide the eggs inside Gramma’s house
and in her backyard.

113

After Easter brunch, all of us kids would go to
Gramma’s backyard and get ready to fill up our
baskets with as many eggs as we could find.

Meemaw used to overdo it with the eggs, though,
and hide WAY more than she needed to. In fact,
I’ll bet you could go out in Gramma’s backyard right
now and STILL find enough to fill up a basket.

Sometimes I’ll find an egg at Gramma’s in a
cabinet or stuffed between the couch cushions. A
few weeks ago Gramma’s toilet wasn’t working, and
Dad found a pink plastic egg in the water tank
that had probably been bobbing around in there
for YEARS.

114

When Meemaw got older she wasn’t as sharp as
she used to be, and she started putting strange
things in the plastic eggs for prizes.

One year I found a green bean, a bottle cap and
a paper clip in my eggs. That was the same year
Manny found dental floss in one of HIS.

115

And I can tell you from experience that a used
tissue sounds EXACTLY the same as a five-dollar
bill when it’s inside a plastic egg.

The last Easter egg hunt we had was the year
Meemaw passed away. At her funeral, Mom
realized Meemaw wasn’t wearing her diamond
wedding ring.

Everybody was all in a panic because that ring
had been in the family for three generations, and
apparently it was worth a lot of money.

After the funeral the family went to the rest
home where Meemaw and Peepaw lived and
turned the place upside down, but they couldn’t
find the ring anywhere.

116

It got pretty ugly after that. Great Aunt
Beatrice accused her sister, Great Aunt Martha,
of pocketing the ring for herself. Then Aunt
Gretchen said Meemaw promised HER the ring, so
if anybody found it, they needed to hand it over.

And, before you knew it, the whole family was at
each other’s throats.

So that’s how things ended the last time we all
got together, and it’s probably the reason we
haven’t been in one place since.

117

I think the whole ring situation really shook Mom
up. She said she hopes NO ONE finds Meemaw’s
ring, because if someone DOES it could break up
the whole family.

But if that means no more visits from Aunt
Gretchen and her kids I have to say I’m all
for it.

Sunday

When it comes to holidays, I’m more of a
Christmas guy than an Easter guy.

118

On Christmas, the second you get home from
church, you can just totally unwind.

But on Easter you have to stay in your church
clothes the whole day, or at least you do in
MY family. Today we went straight from church
to Gramma’s house, and my tie was ALREADY
starting to drive me crazy.

119

I was nervous everyone was just gonna pick
right back up where they left off after Meemaw’s
funeral, but when we got to Gramma’s everyone
seemed to have moved past it.

I’ve never been that comfortable walking into
a room full of relatives. I know I see these
people once or twice a year, but there are so
many of them I can’t even remember everyone’s
NAME. They all seem to remember everything
about ME, though.

120

I always try to get past the crowd in the front
hallway as quickly as possible and find a place
where there aren’t as many people.

Manny’s strategy is to pretend he doesn’t speak
whenever he’s at family gatherings. I admit I’m
a little jealous and wish I had come up with that
idea a LONG time ago.

I didn’t think many people would show up after the
whole diamond ring blow-up, but it actually seemed
more crowded this year.

On top of the aunts and uncles who usually come
to these things, a bunch of Mom’s cousins were
there, too.

121

Her cousin Gerald from California made the trip.
Apparently, he lived with my family for a few
months right after I was born, but I wish he
didn’t have to remind me every time he sees me.

Mom’s cousin Martina was there, too, and she
hasn’t been to a family gathering since she struck
it rich in Las Vegas.

The way I heard it, one morning Martina was
at the hotel breakfast buffet when she noticed
another room with more food in it.

But when she made a beeline for the other room
she found out there WAS no other room.

122

It was actually a full-length mirror reflecting the
room she was already IN.

Martina broke her collarbone and sued the
hotel, so I’m pretty sure the Porsche parked in
Gramma’s driveway was hers.

Uncle Larry was at Gramma’s, too. I don’t think
he’s actually related to anyone, but someone invited
him to a family event at some point and he’s been
showing up ever since.

123

Uncle Larry’s a great guy and all, but he always
parks himself in the best seat in Gramma’s family
room and doesn’t move until it’s time to leave.

Gramma’s two sisters both came this year, even
though they can’t STAND each other. Every
Christmas they exchange presents, but I think
the only reason they do it is to see who can come
up with the most insulting gift.

124

On Easter at Gramma’s house you’ve basically got
three choices of how to occupy yourself: you can sit
in the family room and watch golf on TV with the
men, go in the kitchen and talk with the women,
or hang out in the basement with all the kids.

None of those options really works for me, so I
always just lock myself in the bathroom until it’s
time to eat.

125

The main event at Easter is brunch. The whole
family used to sit at one long table in the dining
room, but now that the family’s bigger it’s split
between grown-ups and kids. The grown-ups’
table is in the dining room, and the kids’ table is
in the kitchen.

I’m kind of glad we changed things, because
when we all used to sit together I’d always end
up next to someone who was WAY more interested
in my life than I was.

Plus, when we all sat together, Mom would make
me eat food I didn’t like. She always wants me
to try her potato salad, which I might be willing
to do if it wasn’t served in the same bowl she uses
when one of us kids has the flu.

126

I don’t like eating in Gramma’s dining room
anyway because it’s WAY too formal, and I think
it makes everyone act too serious.

A few years ago Peepaw had a green bean hanging
from his lip for most of brunch. That was funny
enough on its own, but when it fell into his glass
of water I had to laugh.

127

I thought everyone ELSE would laugh, too, but
nobody did. Dad shot me a look, and I got the
feeling I should just keep my head down and go
back to eating my ham.

Ever since then, whenever something funny
happens during a meal in the dining room, I do
everything I can to stop myself from laughing.
I’ll pinch my inner thigh or bite my lip real hard,
but sometimes even THAT’S not enough.

One year, when Peepaw went to blow out the
candles on his birthday cake, his dentures came
flying out.

I strained so hard to keep myself from laughing
that I thought I might burst a blood vessel or
blow out an eyeball or something.

128

Plus, I had JUST taken a big sip of chocolate
milk, and I was trying not to let it dribble on to
my plate.

I tried to think of something really sad, but
all I could come up with was Sweetie in his little
sweater. Then one thought led to another, and it
was just too much for me to take.

In fact, now that I think of it, that incident
is probably what led to us kids having our own
table in the kitchen.

129

I’m not sure how they figured out who qualifies
as a kid and who’s an adult, because Uncle Cecil
sits at the grown-ups’ table. I know it might
SOUND like Uncle Cecil is a grown-up, but he’s
actually only three or four years old.

Great Aunt Marcie adopted him a few years ago,
and somehow I guess that makes him my uncle. It
does make things pretty awkward sometimes.

I think the rule should be that if you need a
booster seat, you’re automatically disqualified from
sitting at the grown-ups’ table. But Uncle Cecil
sits in the dining room with the adults, and
Rodrick has to sit at the kids’ table, even though
he’s practically a grown man.

130

Today I made sure to sit as far away as I
could from Malvin and Malcolm, but that meant
I ended up sitting next to my second cousin,
Georgia, who has a front tooth that’s so loose
it’s hanging by a thread.

Her tooth was like that the LAST time we saw
her, so we’re talking YEARS now. Everyone in
the family tries to convince her to let them pull it
out, but she’s been stalling for forever.

131

When MY front tooth was loose, I was terrified
of letting someone pull it. Mom spent WEEKS
trying to convince me to let her yank it out, but
I was too scared. Eventually, she said if the
tooth fell out in my sleep I’d swallow it and that
was really dangerous.

But I knew that wasn’t true, because the week
before Manny had swallowed one of my toy cars
and HE lived.

132

After a while, I guess Dad got fed up about my
loose tooth and decided to take matters into his
own hands. He told me he wanted to show me a
magic trick, then he tied a string to my front
tooth and the other end to a doorknob. I didn’t
see what was coming until it was too late.

After watching Georgia twirl her tooth in a circle
with her tongue for forty-five minutes today, I
went into the family room because I knew that’s
where Gramma keeps her string.

But when I walked in I was surprised to find
that half the grown-ups were already in there,
going through Gramma’s photo albums.

133

From what I could piece together, Aunt Audra’s
psychic told her that Meemaw’s diamond ring was
in a family photo album, and when the rest of the
grown-ups heard that they got all excited.

Then someone suggested that maybe the psychic
didn’t mean the ring was LITERALLY in a photo
album, so everyone started looking through the
pictures to see if there were any clues. A minute
later something caught Uncle Larry’s eye.

134

Uncle Larry was pointing at photos from the
last Easter we all got together. In one picture
Meemaw was wearing her diamond ring, and in the
next she WASN’T.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out where her
ring went. Fifteen seconds later, everyone was
fanned out across Gramma’s backyard, searching
for Meemaw’s plastic eggs.

135

I guess everyone figured that if the ring was in
an egg, then it was finders keepers. Mom tried to
get everyone to come back inside to have dessert,
but it was no use.

It was a little disturbing to see how greedy my
relatives were acting, but I admit I got a little
caught up in the excitement myself. While everyone
else was looking for the egg OUTSIDE, I was
looking for it INSIDE.

But, after Mom caught me riffling through
Gramma’s underwear drawer, I realized maybe I
was getting a little TOO carried away.

136

I think Mom was pretty fed up with everyone by
that point, because she told our family that we
were going home.

As far as I know, nobody actually found the
ring. But when we drove away from Gramma’s
a few people were still out there searching.

137

Tuesday

Usually, when Aunt Gretchen and her kids stay
with us, it’s for a week. But this time around
they only lasted two DAYS.

That’s because, after what happened last night,
Dad told them they were gonna have to leave. At
dinner we’d run out of ketchup, so Malcolm had
picked up the phone and called 911 to report us.

It took about two hours for Mom and Dad to
clear everything up with the cops.

After Dad gave Aunt Gretchen and her sons the
boot, they packed up and went to Gramma’s.

138

And I’m sure that was just fine with them,
because it meant they had more time to look for
the egg.

I was glad they left, because when they did I
got my bed back. For two nights I had to sleep
in Rodrick’s room on a leaky air mattress.

No matter how much I inflated it at night, by
morning I was lying flat on the ground.

Yesterday when I woke up on Rodrick’s floor,
I spotted something under his bed when I was
getting dressed.

139

It was one of those Magic 8 Balls. I think
Rodrick got it as a present one year and must’ve
forgotten all about it after it rolled under his bed.

I was pretty excited to find it, because I’ve
never got to play around with one of those
things before.

The way you use the Magic 8 Ball is by asking it
a question, then shaking it and waiting for your
answer to appear in a little window at the back.

I was curious to see if it actually WORKED, so
I gave it a try. I thought up a question and
concentrated real hard, then gave the Magic 8
Ball a good shake.

140

A few seconds later, this is what showed up in
the little window –

I have to say, I was pretty impressed. But I
needed to ask this thing a few more questions to
make sure it was for real.

141

And every single time it was right on the money.

Even when I tried to throw it for a loop, I got
an answer that seemed pretty reasonable.

Then I realized this thing wasn’t only good for
answering QUESTIONS. I could ask it for
ADVICE, too.

142

I started by asking the Magic 8 Ball if I should
take a shower and if I really needed to finish the
outline for my Science Fair project. I got a “Yes”
on the hygiene issue, but the Magic 8 Ball totally
let me off the hook on my project.

See, THIS is what’s been missing my whole life.
Now that I’ve got something to help me make all
the LITTLE decisions, I’m free to focus on the
IMPORTANT stuff.

In school we learned that Albert Einstein wore
the same clothes every day so he didn’t have to
waste any brainpower on deciding what to wear.

143

And that’s exactly what THIS thing’s gonna
do for me.

In fact, after using the Magic 8 Ball for just
one day, I don’t know how I ever got by
WITHOUT it.

144

APRIL

Thursday

After playing around with the Magic 8 Ball for a
few days, I found out it has some limitations. But
that doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up on it just
YET. I tried using it to help me with my maths
homework a few times, but it turns out it’s not so
good at giving you specific answers.

Plus, sometimes when you REALLY need an
answer from the Magic 8 Ball, it can totally leave
you hanging.

Today on my way home from school, one of the
Mingo kids came after me with a stick. I asked
the Magic 8 Ball if I should run away or fight,
and gave it a hard shake.

145

For some reason, the Magic 8 Ball couldn’t make up
its mind.

But the Magic 8 Ball TOTALLY made up for
it later on in the day. Mom told me I’ve been
spending too much time indoors and that I
needed to go outside and get some fresh air.

146

When Mom left the room I asked the Magic 8
Ball if I should take her advice, and its answer
could not have been more clear.

So I hid in Mom’s closet, which I knew would be
the LAST place she’d come looking for me.

While I was waiting Mom out in there, I noticed
a bunch of books on the top shelf.

147

They were hidden behind some shoe boxes, so it
was pretty clear Mom didn’t want anyone to find
them. At first I couldn’t figure out why she was
keeping all these books tucked away in her closet
instead of on a shelf out in the open. But when I
read the titles I totally got it.

These books are basically Mom’s secret weapon, and
she doesn’t want us kids to KNOW about them.

I flipped through a few of the books, and
some were really eye-opening. I found one
that was about using something called “reverse
psychology”.

148

The idea is that you can get your kids to do what
you want by telling them to do the OPPOSITE.
Now that I think of it, Mom and Dad have
been using that technique on us ever since I can
remember.

149

When I was little, I used to BEG Mom and Dad
to let me do the dishes, but they’d always tell me
I was too young to help out.

Finally, on my eighth birthday they let me dry the
dishes, and I was so happy they might as well
have given me a million dollars. Now I realize
the whole thing was a trick, and Rodrick must’ve
fallen into the same trap.

150

There were books for just about every type of
situation a parent might have to deal with while
raising their kids. I’ve always wondered where
Mom gets all her advice, and now I know.

When I was nine I found an inchworm crawling up
our front steps, and I named him Squirm and kept
him in a little jar with holes poked in the top.

Every day I’d let him out of the jar so he could
get some exercise.

151

This was just about the time Manny was starting
to take his first steps, which was unfortunate for
Squirm the worm.

I was really torn up about it, and that night
Mom came into my room to talk.

She told me I shouldn’t be sad, because Squirm
was in “Inchworm Heaven” and that in Inchworm
Heaven it’s always sunny and there are tons of
leaves to eat. And I’ve gotta admit that DID
make me feel better about things.

152

Well, today I found the EXACT place where
Mom got that idea.

One of the books on Mom’s shelf looked pretty
new, and when I pulled it down a LOT of things
started to make sense.

153

Mom’s closet answered some other mysteries, too.
When I was in kindergarten I had a stuffed
animal called Tickles that I slept with every
single night.

That summer we went away on holiday to the
beach, and I took Tickles with me. But one
afternoon when we came back to our hotel room
Tickles was GONE.

154

Mom said the cleaning lady must’ve scooped up
Tickles when she took the sheets, so we went
down to the place where they do the laundry to
see if he was in the washer or something.

But he wasn’t THERE, either. By this time I was
pretty hysterical, so Mom told me I should make
some signs, which we put up all over the hotel.

155

The next day we went to the beach, but I
couldn’t enjoy myself because of Tickles.

Dad played one of those carnival games and won
me a stuffed animal to replace Tickles, but it
wasn’t the same.

156

Losing Tickles pretty much ruined the holiday for
EVERYONE, so we left for home a day early. I
went to sleep when we got back that night, and
the next morning Tickles was sitting on top of
my dresser.

Mom said Tickles must’ve found his way home
because he loved me so much. And that’s what I
believed for a long time.

157

But, hidden away behind Mom’s books, there were
FIVE stuffed monkeys that looked EXACTLY
like Tickles.

So that means Mom must’ve gone out and bought a
bunch of replacement monkeys right after I lost
the original.

Who even KNOWS which version of Tickles is
sitting on the shelf in my closet right now.

In fact, now that I think about it, I remember
a time when Mom had to wash Tickles because
I’d spilled some chocolate milk on him. When she
opened the washing machine door, it looked like a
pillow had exploded in there.

158

But that night after my bath Tickles was back on
my bed, good as new. So the one in my room could
be a fourth or fifth generation for all I know.

This ALSO explains why Manny sleeps with ten
stuffed dinosaurs every night.

He used to only have ONE dinosaur he called
Rexy, but Manny must’ve discovered Mom’s hidden
stash of back-ups WAY before I did.

159

I wanted to keep exploring Mom’s closet to see
what ELSE I could find, but I heard Mom
coming upstairs, so I had to slip out of there.

Now that I know about Mom’s parenting
books, I should be able to keep one step ahead
of my folks. And I can thank the Magic 8 Ball
for THAT.

Tuesday

Tonight I decided to see if any of the tricks in
Mom’s books would actually work on ADULTS.

I’ve been asking Mom and Dad for my own phone
for FOREVER, but Mom always says I already
HAVE one. She’s talking about my Ladybug phone,
though, and that’s more like a pre-school toy.

160

So when me and Rodrick were doing the dishes
tonight I took a crack at using reverse psychology
on Mom and Dad.

I didn’t know what to expect, but I was shocked
to see how FAST it worked. Right after that,
Mom came into my room and told me she’d decided
to upgrade her phone and was giving her USED

one to ME.

But before she handed it over, she said there
were some “ground rules”. She said I had to share
the phone with Manny because he uses it to play
educational games.

161

She also said I’m not allowed to text any of my
friends with it.

Well, texting my friends isn’t gonna be a problem,
because at the moment I don’t HAVE any.
Sharing with Manny is another issue.

Manny likes to take pictures on Mom’s phone,
but I really don’t need HIS pictures mixed in
with MINE.

Still, I was pretty excited to get my hands on a
decent phone.

162

I spent some time personalizing it with a new
wallpaper and different ringtones. But, in the
middle of doing that, I got a text from Gramma
that was obviously meant for Mom.

Mom said I wasn’t allowed to text my friends, but
she never said anything about RELATIVES.

163

After that was taken care of, I downloaded a
bunch of games and started having some fun.

But, right in the middle of a game, Aunt Veronica
called on video chat.

The LAST thing I expected to see in the privacy
of my bathroom was Aunt Veronica’s FACE.

164

So I think I can be excused for being a little
surprised.

I fished the phone out of the toilet and did
everything I could to get it to turn on, but it
was no use.

I feel kind of bad for ruining it, but, in my
defence, I DID try to warn Mom and Dad I
wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility.

165

Wednesday

I’ve been getting tired of having to fear for my
life whenever I walk by the Mingo kids’ woods,
but I realized those guys only really pick on the
after-school crowd. So I decided my smartest
move was to just wait them out.

That meant I needed to find something to kill
time once school ended. There are a whole bunch of
clubs for students, but I’ve never really been that
interested until now.

Today I stayed after school to see if there was
something that would be a good fit.

The Board Game Club sounded like it might be
pretty fun, but it’s run by Mr Nern, and I’ve
already spent enough time with him for one
school year.

There’s a Pillow-Fighting Club, too, but one look
inside the room where they meet told me it wasn’t
really my thing.

There are some clubs that are REALLY on the
fringe, like the Free Hugs Club that just started
up this spring.

It was too hard to decide what to do, so I left
it up to the Magic 8 Ball. I walked to each door
where the different clubs meet and gave the 8
Ball a shake to see which one I should join.

168

I got a lot of “No”s and a few “Ask Again
Later”s, but I finally got a “Yes, Definitely”
when I was in front of the Yearbook Club door.

I walked inside, and the staff looked like it was
in the middle of a meeting.

I waited at the back until the meeting broke up,
then went to the editor-in-chief, Betsy Buckles,
and asked if I could join.

She said the yearbook was almost finished, but
they needed a few more photos for the “Candids”
page. Then she said the school would pay five
bucks for every photo that ended up in the
yearbook, and I was sold.

If I can avoid the Mingo kids AND get paid,
that’s a win-win.

169

Thursday

Today was my first day as the yearbook
photographer, and it wasn’t as easy as I
thought it would be. I wanted to get good
pictures, but, to be honest, kids at my school
don’t really do anything that INTERESTING.

I was trying to do my job taking pictures while
ALSO being a full-time student, and that didn’t
make things any easier.

170

I was hoping somebody would do something really
dumb and I’d get a great picture of it. But for
some reason people were on their best behaviour
today. One shot I was DYING to get was Jamar
Law with his head stuck in a chair.

There was a picture of him doing that in the
LAST yearbook, and if he did it again I wanted
to be ready for it. I know a photographer isn’t
supposed to influence his subjects, but I tried to
at LEAST nudge Jamar in the right direction.

Whenever I see a picture in a yearbook or a
magazine, there’s always a little caption underneath.

171

So when I turned in my photos at the end of
the day, I wrote little blurbs so Betsy would
know what she was looking at.

The great thing about pictures nowadays is that
everything is digital, so if you don’t like something
about a photo you took you can always tweak it on
the computer.

I took a couple of shots at lunch where somebody
blinked, and those photos would’ve been USELESS
if I hadn’t been able to edit them.

172

I figure every yearbook needs a little humour, so
I edited a few pictures to make them funnier.
Hopefully, Mr Blakely won’t be too mad when he
sees his.

I realized being the yearbook photographer gives
me a lot of POWER, too.

173

I can decide who gets in the yearbook and
who DOESN’T. And, if there’s somebody who
ANNOYS me, I can get some revenge.

I took a picture of Leon Feast after school, and
when I played around with it on the computer I
shrunk his head by 75%. I seriously hope that
one gets past the editors. And if it does I give
all credit to the Magic 8 Ball.

Monday

Over the weekend I got a chance to go back into
Mom’s closet, and I found my old Body Blankie
behind her winter boots.

174

I couldn’t BELIEVE it. I’d been looking for
that thing for the past few months, and it was
in Mom’s closet all along.

I got the Body Blankie as a Christmas gift last
year from Mom and Dad. When I looked at the
box, I have to admit I wasn’t too thrilled about it.

175

That changed the minute I put it on. Let me
just say for the record that whoever invented the
Body Blankie is a GENIUS.

You know when you’re watching TV with a blanket
wrapped round you and you want to grab your
drink or the remote control, so you have to take
the whole thing off to free up your hands?

Well, the Body Blankie SOLVES all that. It’s
like a regular blanket, but with sleeves that have
MITTENS at the ends. So you can grab stuff

without ever exposing your skin to the cold air.

176

The Body Blankie is made of flannel, so having it
on is like being in bed all the time.

RODRICK got a Body Blankie, too, and I think
he liked HIS even more than I liked MINE. In
fact, after Rodrick put his on for the first time,
he didn’t take it off for something like five days.

I think he would’ve stayed in it for good if Mom
hadn’t made him take a shower.

177

Rodrick used to only sleep in his bed or on the
couch, but once he had his Body Blankie he pretty
much dozed off whenever the mood struck him.

Mom and Dad put up with it for a little while,
but me and Rodrick probably took it too far,
and our Body Blankies mysteriously disappeared
soon after that.

When I found my Body Blankie this weekend, I
didn’t know what to DO.

178

If I started parading around the house in it, Mom
would know I’ve been poking around in her closet.
The only place I could really wear it was in bed,
but that seemed to kind of defeat the purpose.

But this morning when I was getting ready for
school I got an idea.

I realized if I put my Body Blankie on UNDER
my school clothes no one would even know. And
being in class would be like being in BED.

But I wish I’d thought it through a little
better. The Body Blankie might be comfortable to
wear while watching TV at home, but walking to
SCHOOL in it was a whole other matter.

179

The leggings of the Body Blankie are really
short, so you look like a penguin when you walk.

I couldn’t open my locker with the mittens,
and trying to do jumping jacks in Phys Ed was
HOPELESS.

Plus, I found out the disadvantage of flannel is
that it gets really HOT.

180

After Phys Ed, the Body Blankie footies were
filled with sweat, and I knew it was time to bail
on the idea.

But, when I tried to take the Body Blankie
OFF, the zipper snapped.

I should’ve KNOWN never to trust a product
that’s advertised on TV.

181

I tried to wriggle out of it by pushing my arms
up through the hole where my head was, but I
couldn’t get my elbows out.

I started to go into a panic because there was no
ventilation in that thing, and I was worried I
was gonna get baked alive like a microwave burrito.

After a minute I took a lot of deep breaths to
calm myself down. At that point there were only
a few more classes to go, and then I could cut
myself free at home.

My last class was Social Studies, and we had a
test. I wasn’t prepared at ALL, so I was glad
when I found out it was true/false.

182

Because that’s EXACTLY the kind of thing the
Magic 8 Ball is good at.

When the test started I pulled the Magic 8 Ball
out of my bag and went through the questions one
by one. A few of the answers didn’t look right
to me, but the Magic 8 Ball had got me THIS far
and I wasn’t gonna start questioning it now.

It was STILL pretty time-consuming, though.
Kids were handing in their tests, and I wasn’t
even halfway through yet.

183

I started getting nervous that I wasn’t gonna
finish before the bell rang, and the Magic 8 Ball
was doing some SERIOUS stalling.

I shook it faster to try to get real answers, and
that’s when I lost a handle on it.

The Magic 8 Ball hit the ground hard and, before
I could grab it, it rolled RIGHT to Mrs Merritt.

184

Just then the bell rang and, after the class
was let out, Mrs Merritt took me down to Vice
Principal Roy’s office. Mrs Merritt told him she
had caught me red-handed using a “high-tech
cheating device” on my test.

I think Vice Principal Roy was a little confused,
but he took Mrs Merritt’s complaint seriously
anyway. He called MOM, and ten minutes later
she was in his office.

185

I’ve got to give Mom credit, because she stuck
up for me. She said the Magic 8 Ball was just a
“harmless toy” and that I COULDN’T have
been using it to cheat.

I wanted to interrupt Mom and tell her not to
disrespect the Magic 8 Ball by calling it a toy, but
I figured that could wait until later. Plus, Mom
hadn’t said anything about the Body Blankie yet
and I didn’t want to risk making her mad.

I thought Vice Principal Roy was gonna let me
off the hook, but then he pulled up my record
on his computer. He said my grades have been
going downhill lately and that I’m slipping in
every subject. Then he said I haven’t turned in a
homework assignment for three weeks.

186

Well, that might be true, but ever since Fregley
ditched my textbooks it’s been a little hard for me
to do my assignments.

Then Vice Principal Roy totally dropped a bomb on
me. He said that if I didn’t improve my grades in
the next few weeks I was gonna have to go to
SUMMER school.

THAT got my attention. I’ve heard rumours
about summer school, and it’s not something I
really want to be a part of.

187

For one thing, I know they shut off the air-
conditioning during the summer to save money.

The classes are more like detention than school,
and none of the regular teachers are there. In
fact, I heard the English teacher for summer
school is the JANITOR.

I don’t know if Vice Principal Roy was just
trying to scare me, but, if he was, it WORKED.
Because the thought of spending my summer
holiday with Mr Meeks is enough to turn me
into a straight-A student.

188

Thursday

I’m not really sure how my grades got so bad,
because my year actually started off pretty
GOOD. In the first quarter I got As and
Bs on my report card, and Mom even took me
out to get a hot-fudge sundae to celebrate my
accomplishment.

RODRICK got in on the action, too, even
though his report card that quarter was lousy.

That taught me that even if you try your best
someone’s just gonna mooch off your hard work.

I know I’m not the best student or anything,
but I’ve never had to worry about going to
SUMMER school.

189

So this week I’ve been doing everything I can to
get my situation under control. Mom got me a set
of used textbooks, and I’ve been catching up on
my assignments every night.

But some of the classes I’m flunking don’t even
HAVE homework. One is Music, and my problem

THERE is that I don’t participate. None of the
boys really do, which is why Mrs Norton comes
right up in our faces and tries to get us to sing.

If Mr Meeks is the ENGLISH teacher in summer
school, then I don’t even wanna imagine what
Music class looks like.

190

I decided that, starting TODAY, I was gonna
be Mrs Norton’s best student.

So, when she called my name at the start of
class, I stood right up and belted out the song
we’ve been working on.

191

Mrs Norton waited until I was finished, then she
said she wasn’t asking me to SING, she was just
calling attendance.

All week, Mom’s been helping me catch up on my
missing homework assignments, but the one thing
she says I’m gonna have to do on my OWN is the
Science Fair project. And that kind of stinks,
because Science isn’t exactly my strong suit.

For LAST year’s Science Fair, my experiment
was on metamorphosis. I collected a dozen or so
caterpillars and put them in a box with leaves to
eat, and they all made cocoons.

192

My plan was to open the box at the EXACT
moment they turned into butterflies and blow the
judges away.

I worked hard on it, and even turned in my
project a day EARLY. But I left the box with
the caterpillars on the heater in the Science
classroom, and unfortunately that was the end
of that.

193

Today during recess I was in the library trying
to get ideas for my Science Fair project, and
Betsy Buckles came in to say they needed me in
the yearbook office.

She said the Class Favourites results were in, and
she asked me to take pictures of the winners.

I didn’t bother to vote this year, so I wasn’t
even sure who was on the ballot. But, once the
winners started filing in through the door, it
wasn’t too hard to figure out who had won what.

194

Most of the winners were exactly who you’d expect.
Bryce Anderson won Best Hair, Cecilia Faramir
won Most Talented, and Jenna Stewart won
Best Dressed.

The only REAL surprise was Liam Nelson, who
won Best Looking. But Liam works on the yearbook
staff and was in charge of counting up the votes,
so something tells me he fudged the results.

When Fregley walked through the door, I got
confused. The only category I could see him
winning was Class Clown, but I had just finished
taking Jeffrey Laffley’s picture.

195

So I looked over the list Betsy gave me and
found out Fregley had been voted MOST
POPULAR. But the way things have been going
lately, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I was already in a pretty bad mood when the
last two people walked in the room to have their
picture taken.

I looked down at the printout and, when I
scanned all the way to the bottom, I felt sick.

196

I’ve had to do some unpleasant things in my life,
but, believe me, NOTHING compares to what I
had to suffer through today.

After that I officially resigned as yearbook
photographer and turned in my camera. Because,
really, there’s only so much one person can take.

197

Monday

Things have really fallen apart for me ever since
I dropped my Magic 8 Ball in Mrs Merritt’s class.

After Vice Principal Roy gave it back to me, I
noticed it seemed a lot lighter. It turned out
that when it hit the floor it had cracked and the
blue liquid behind the little window had leaked out.
So that meant it was totally USELESS.

I ended up tossing it over Gramma’s fence on the
way home from school that day. But lately I’ve
missed having it, because I’ve had some REALLY
tricky decisions to make.

I finally caught up on my missing homework
assignments, but my Science Fair project is due on
Thursday, and I still don’t even have an IDEA
for it yet.

198

So I thought of Erick Glick. I’ve always heard
he could hook you up with an old assignment if
you were in a pinch, and I figured maybe he could
even get his hands on a Science Fair project.

But, still, I didn’t know if I wanted to get
involved with a shady character like Erick. This
was just the kind of decision I’d ordinarily leave
up to the Magic 8 Ball, but today I was totally
on my own.

I was pretty desperate, though, so at recess I
found Erick hanging out behind the school and
told him about my situation.

199

Erick said he could take care of me. He did some
kind of secret knock on a door a few feet away
that had no handle on it. Then the door opened
from the inside.

It took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the
darkness. The room was apparently some kind of
storage area, and there were half a dozen kids
crowded round a desk with a pile of papers on it.

200

There were old book reports and history papers,
and a bunch of other stuff, too.

The person who seemed to be in charge was
Dennis Denard, who’s in eighth grade but got
held back twice. I’m guessing he stayed in middle
school on PURPOSE because he’s got such a
good racket going on.

Erick told Dennis I needed a Science Fair project,
and he took me to a separate area in the back
where there were SHELVES of old ones.

201

As far as I could tell, the better the project,
the more it cost.

One of the projects seemed kind of familiar, and
when I took a closer look I knew why. It was
RODRICK’S Science Fair project from when HE
was in middle school.

I remember Rodrick working on that one. His
idea was to see if different types of music have an
effect on how fast flowers grow.

202

So he put a potted flower in every place in the
house where there was music.

The flowers all died within two weeks, and Rodrick
thought the music killed them. But Mom told him
the reason the plants died was because he never
WATERED them.

203

I guess the school just dumps all the old Science
Fair projects in the storage room, whether they
got a decent grade or not.

I don’t know if seeing Rodrick’s old project is
what did it, but I started having second thoughts
about this whole thing. I think Dennis and Erick
could tell I was getting cold feet, because they
pressured me to make a decision.

I told Dennis I didn’t have any money on me and
that I’d come back tomorrow.

204

Erick told me to turn my pockets inside out to
PROVE it, but I noticed the door to the outside
was open a crack and I bolted.

I’m not sure I’m ready to get involved with the
Dennis Denards and Erick Glicks of the world
anyway. Because once you take that first step
there’s no turning back.

205

Wednesday

Well, I didn’t see THIS coming. One week after
Rowley and Abigail got voted Cutest Couple, word
on the playground is that they’re through.

I heard that Abigail is back with her old
boyfriend, Michael Sampson, and people are saying
the only reason she got together with Rowley in
the first place was to make Michael jealous.

Apparently, it WORKED. But, from what I
heard, the way Rowley found out was kind of harsh.

206

But I can’t spend a lot of time feeling sorry for
Rowley, because I’ve got problems of my OWN.

Yesterday I had to stay after school for the
second day in a row doing research for my Science
Fair project, which is due tomorrow.

And, by the way, I’m glad I decided not to go
the Dennis Denard route, because today somebody
tipped off a teacher and a bunch of the faculty
members staged a raid on the storage room.

207

The kids who got caught were given detention for
the rest of the year, and I’m sure the punishment
includes an automatic trip to summer school.

I’ve still got a chance to get OUT of summer
school, and I really hope I DO, because I don’t
want to be staring at Dennis Denard’s sweaty
back for the rest of the summer.

Thursday

I worked on my Science Fair project yesterday
from the time I got home until 11:30 at night.
I wouldn’t say my project is gonna win the Nobel
Prize or anything, but I was proud of myself for
actually getting it DONE.

208

I think Mom was pretty happy, too. But after
I was finished she went over the requirements
that Mrs Abbington sent home, and it said in big
bold letters that the written report had to be
TYPED.

Mom said there was no use complaining and that I
needed to get started on typing up the report.

But I had already spent all my energy getting
to THAT point, so I told Mom I was gonna
go to sleep and wake up extra early to get the
work done.

209

I set my alarm for 6:00, but when I woke up
this morning it was 8:10. I totally freaked out
because I didn’t remember hitting the snooze bar
even ONCE.

I knew I was in trouble because I had to leave
for school in twenty minutes and there was no
WAY I could type it up before then.

But when I went downstairs my Science Fair
project was sitting on the kitchen table, and the
whole thing was TYPED.

210

For a second I thought maybe the Science
Report Fairy had come in overnight and sprinkled
some pixie dust on the pages, but then I realized
it was MOM.

I went up to her room to thank her, but she was
out cold.

I handed in my Science Fair project during second
period, and I felt like a HUGE weight had been
lifted off my shoulders. For the rest of the day,
I actually ENJOYED myself at school.

Rowley, on the other hand, was not doing so good.

211

At recess he just wandered around with a dazed
look on his face, and once or twice I saw him near
the Find a Friend station.

I thought about going over and talking to him,
but Mr Nern beat me to it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized
me and Rowley are probably better off not being
friends anyway. We’ve been going back and forth
for so long that enough is enough already.

212

But seeing Rowley play checkers on the bench with
Mr Nern made me feel really guilty.

I couldn’t decide what to do about Rowley, so I
went to the one place where I knew I could get
an answer.

On the way home from school, I stopped by
Gramma’s house to see if I could find the Magic 8
Ball in her backyard. I knew it was broken, but
I thought somehow I could get one more good
answer out of it.

It took a long time, but I finally found it near
the woodpile.

I was ready to concentrate real hard and ask
my question, but that’s when I noticed something
green and shiny poking out from under a log.

213

I forgot all about the Magic 8 Ball and went for
the plastic egg.

I gave it a little shake, and when I heard the
sound it made I knew EXACTLY what was inside.

I couldn’t believe the Magic 8 Ball had led me
directly to Meemaw’s diamond ring. It probably
figured it OWED me one for everything that’s
happened recently.

Once I knew I had Meemaw’s ring, a MILLION
thoughts went through my head, and most of
them involved a jet pack.

214

But I remembered what Mom said would happen if
someone actually FOUND the ring. And, even
though I could probably sell it for good money, it’s
not worth breaking up the family over it.

So I took the egg and hid it where nobody will
find it, or at least not for a while. But if I’m
ever hard up for cash I know I can always go to
the spot between Tickles four and five to get out
of a jam.

215

Monday

The Magic 8 Ball might be good for helping out
with the little decisions, but I figure the BIG
ones are up to me.

So at lunch today I went to the back of the
line where Rowley was sitting and asked him if he
wanted to come sit with ME. And five seconds
later it was just like old times.

I know Mom’s always saying friends come and go
and family is forever, and maybe that’s true.

But your family isn’t gonna be there when Meckley
Mingo chases you with his belt on your way home
from school.

216

I’m sure me and Rowley will get in another
fight somewhere down the road and then we’ll go
through this drama all over again. But for now
we’re good.

Or at least until the YEARBOOK comes out. But
I figure we can always deal with THAT later on.

217

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thanks to all the terrific Wimpy Kid fans around the world who

make writing these books so rewarding. Thank you for inspiring and
energizing me.

Thanks to my family for years of support and love. I feel very blessed
to be a part of your lives.

Thanks to everyone at Abrams for turning me into a published
author and for taking such care to create great books. Thanks to my
editor, Charlie Kochman, for your dedication and passion. Thanks to
Michael Jacobs for helping Greg Heffley reach ever higher heights.
Thanks to Jason Wells, Veronica Wasserman, Scott Auerbach, Jen
Graham, Chad W. Beckerman and Susan Van Metre for your work
and for your friendship.

Thanks to everyone at Poptropica, especially Jess Brallier, for your
belief that kids deserve great storytelling.

Thanks to Sylvie Rabineau, my wonderful agent, for your guidance.
Thanks to Brad Simpson and Nina Jacobson for bringing Greg
Heffley to life on the silver screen, and thanks to Roland Poindexter,
Ralph Millero and Vanessa Morrison for helping bring Greg Heffley
to life in a new way.

Thanks to Shaelyn Germain and Anna Cesary for working with me
through the madness of multiple endeavours.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is an online game developer and designer, and a #1
New York Times bestselling author. Jeff has been named one of Time
magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World. Jeff is also the
creator of Poptropica.com, which was named one of Time magazine’s
50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C.,
area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern
Massachusetts with his wife and their two sons.

JUNE

Friday

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my years
of being a kid, it’s that you have ZERO control
over your own life.

Ever since school let out, I haven’t had anything
I’ve needed to DO or anywhere I’ve needed to
BE. As long as the air-conditioning was working
and the TV remote had batteries in it, I was all
set for a relaxing summer holiday.

But then, out of the blue, THIS happened –

1

This isn’t the FIRST time Mom has sprung a trip
on us without any warning. Last year on the first
day of summer, she said we were going upstate
for a few days to visit Aunt Loretta at the
nursing home.

It wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun way to kick
off the summer. One time when we visited Aunt
Loretta, her roommate grabbed me and wouldn’t let
go until a staffer gave her a chocolate-chip muffin.

But Mom was just bluffing about going to the
nursing home. At breakfast the next morning, she
told us where we were REALLY going.

2

Me and my brother Rodrick were happy, because
we were both dreading spending the first week
of our summer holiday playing shuffleboard at a
nursing home.

But when my little brother, Manny, heard about
the change in plans he totally LOST it. Mom
had talked up the Aunt Loretta trip so much
that Manny was actually EXCITED about going.

3

We ended up POSTPONING our trip to Disney
so we could visit Aunt Loretta. You’d think Mom
would’ve learned her lesson about surprise trips
after THAT one.

I know EXACTLY where this road-trip idea
came from, because the new issue of “Family Frolic”
magazine came in the mail today.

If I had to guess, I’d say 90% of everything
we do as a family comes from ideas Mom gets from
that magazine. And when I saw the latest issue
I knew it was gonna get Mom’s wheels turning.

4

I’ve flipped through “Family Frolic” a few times,
and I have to admit the pictures always make
everything look like a lot of fun.

But there must be something wrong with OUR
family, because we can never measure up to the
ones they show in the magazine.

I guess Mom’s not giving up, though. She said
this road trip is gonna be awesome and that
spending a lot of time together in the car will be
a “bonding” experience for the whole family.

I tried to talk her into letting us do something
NORMAL, like going to a water park for the
day, but Mom didn’t want to hear it.

6

She said the whole point of this trip is to do
things we’ve never done before and to have
“authentic” experiences.

I thought Mom would’ve looped Dad in about her
road-trip idea, but apparently I was wrong.
Because when he got home from work he seemed
just as surprised as us kids.

Dad told Mom it was a bad time to be away from
work and he didn’t want to use his vacation days
unless he absolutely HAD to. But Mom said there’s
nothing more important than spending time with
your family.

7

Then Dad told Mom he was really hoping to get
his BOAT out on the water this weekend, and if
we went on a road trip he wouldn’t be able to.

Mom and Dad get along pretty well in general,
but the one thing that’s guaranteed to cause a
fight between them is Dad’s boat.

A few years ago, Mom sent Dad out to get some
milk, but along the way he spotted a boat for sale
in someone’s front yard. And, before you knew
it, the boat was in our driveway.

Mom was mad that Dad didn’t check with her
first, because having a boat is a ton of work.

8

But Dad said it was always his dream to own a
boat and that we could spend every weekend out
on the water as a family.

So Dad got to KEEP the boat, and he seemed
really happy. But things went downhill fast.

A few days later, some people from the
Homeowners’ Association knocked on our door.

9

They said there were rules in our neighbourhood
against having a boat parked in front of your
house and told Dad he had to move it to the back.

The boat sat in the backyard for the whole
summer because Dad was too busy and didn’t have
time to use it. Then, in the autumn, one of Dad’s
co-workers told him he’d have to WINTERIZE
the boat to protect it from the cold weather.

Dad found out it would cost more to winterize the
boat than it cost him to BUY it, so he decided
he’d take his chances. And, sure enough, two
weeks later, when the temperature dropped below
freezing, a big crack appeared in the hull.

10

When it started to snow, Dad rolled the boat
under the back deck, and it sat there all winter.
In the spring, Mom started using it to store all
sorts of junk from the house.

The next summer, Dad decided he was gonna fix
the boat.

11

But when he went to pull it out from under the
deck he discovered a family of raccoons living in our
old washing machine.

Dad called an exterminator to get rid of the
raccoons, but when he heard how much THAT was
gonna cost he decided to take care of it himself.

By then Manny had heard about the baby
raccoons living in the washing machine, and Mom
had to step in.

12

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Greg Heffley’s on
a losing streak. His
best friend, Rowley
Jefferson, has
ditched him, and
finding new friends
in middle school is
proving to be a
tough task.

To change his fortunes, Greg decides to take a leap
of faith and turn his decisions over to chance.

Will a roll of the dice turn things round, or is Greg’s
life destined to be just another hard-luck story?

“HILARIOUS” — Sunday Telegraph

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