PUFFIN BOOKS

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

By Jeff Kinney

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

Coming soon

More Diary of a Wimpy Kid

by Jeff Kinney

PUFFIN BOOKS

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India | New Zealand | South Africa

Puffin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose

addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

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First published in the USA in the English language in 2011

by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS

Original English title: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

(All rights reserved in all countries by Harry N. Abrams, Inc.)

Published simultaneously in Great Britain by Puffin Books 2011

Digital edition published 2012

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © Wimpy Kid Inc., 2011

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™ are

trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc.

All rights reserved

PAC-MAN ® & © NAMCO BANDAI Games Inc.

Courtesy of NAMCO BANDAI Games America Inc.

All rights reserved

Book design by Jeff Kinney

Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

ISBN: 978–0–141–34785–1

to TICHINO

1

NOVEMBER

Saturday

Most people look forward to the holidays, but the

stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas just

makes me a nervous wreck. If you make a mistake

in the first eleven months of the year, it’s no big

deal. But if you do something wrong during the

holiday season you’re gonna pay for it.

It’s too much pressure to be on your best

behaviour for a whole month. The most I can

really handle is six or seven days in a row. So

if they moved Thanksgiving to the week before

Christmas it would be fine by me.

2

Kids whose families don’t celebrate Christmas

are lucky because they don’t have to stress out

whenever they do something wrong at this time

of year. In fact, I have a few friends in that

category who I think act a little extra jerky

around now just because they can.

The thing that REALLY makes me nervous is this

whole Santa issue. The fact that he can see you

when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake

really creeps me out. So I’ve started wearing

sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need

Santa seeing me in my underwear.

3

I’m not really convinced that Santa has the time to

keep an eye on you twenty-four hours a day anyway.

I figure he can only check in on each kid once or

twice a year for a few seconds - and, with my luck,

that happens at the most embarrassing moments.

If Santa really DOES see everything you do,

then I could be in trouble. So, when I write to

him, I don’t say what I want for Christmas and

all that. I use my letters to paint myself in the

best possible light.

4

Then there’s this “Naughty or Nice” list they’re

always talking about. You hear about it, but

you never actually get to SEE it, so it’s up to

grown-ups to tell you where you stand at any

given moment. And something about that just

doesn’t seem right.

I kind of wonder how accurate the list really is

anyway. There’s a kid named Jared Pyle who lives

up the street from me, and if there’s ANYONE

who deserves to be on the “Naughty” list

it’s him. But last year he got a dirt bike for

Christmas, so don’t even ask me WHAT Santa was

thinking on THAT one.

5

It’s not just Santa I’ve got to worry about,

either. Last year, when Mom was going through

some old boxes, she found a homemade doll from

her childhood.

Mom said the doll is called “Santa’s Scout” and

that his job is to watch how kids behave and then

report back to Santa at the North Pole.

6

Well, I’m not a fan of that idea. First of all, I

think you have a right to privacy in your own home.

And, second, Santa’s Scout gives me the willies.

I don’t really buy the idea that this doll is

feeding Santa information, but, just in case, I

try to be extra good whenever I’m in the same

room as Santa’s Scout.

7

But it probably doesn’t matter anyway, because

my older brother, Rodrick, is constantly feeding

Santa’s Scout bad information about me.

Every morning when I wake up, Santa’s Scout is in

a new place, which I guess is supposed to prove that

he travelled to the North Pole overnight. But I’m

starting to wonder if it’s really Rodrick who moves him.

8

Sunday

Today we took all our Christmas decorations out

of the storage room in the basement. We have

boxes full of ornaments, and some of them are

pretty old. There’s one with a picture of me and

Rodrick taking a bath in the sink that’s really

embarrassing, but Mom won’t let me throw it out.

We put up the tree in the living room and started

hanging ornaments on it. My little brother,

Manny, was taking a nap upstairs and, when he

woke up and found out we were decorating the

tree without him, he had a total meltdown.

9

The reason Manny was so upset was because

someone had hung his favourite ornament, this

candy cane he really likes. So Mom took it off the

tree and handed it to Manny to hang up himself.

But Manny wanted his ornament to be the

FIRST one on the tree, so that meant we had

to take all the decorations down, just so he could

get his way.

10

And that’s just the kind of thing that happens

in my house every single day.

Mom hasn’t started to use the threat of Santa

as a way of getting Manny to behave, but I’m

sure she will soon. I don’t think it’s such a good

strategy for keeping us in line, though. Because

the second Christmas is over Mom doesn’t have

any real leverage.

11

Monday

Right before Thanksgiving break, there was a

contest at school to see who could come up with

the best anti-bullying slogan, and the grand prize

was a pizza party for the winning team.

Everyone wanted that pizza party, and people

didn’t care WHAT they had to do to win it. Two

groups of girls in my grade came up with slogans

that were really similar, and each group accused

the other one of stealing their idea.

12

The whole situation spun out of control, and

eventually the vice principal had to step in to stop

it from turning into a full-scale riot.

Our school only has one legitimate bully this year

anyway, and his name is Dennis Root. And with

all the signs and posters everywhere I’m pretty

sure the message is getting through to him.

13

The day before Thanksgiving there was a big

anti-bullying assembly, and everyone in the

auditorium was looking at Dennis the whole time.

I kind of felt sorry for him, so I tried to make

him feel better.

Even though Dennis is the only real bully in our

school this year, we had a BUNCH of them

LAST year. People were constantly getting picked

on at recess, so the teachers set up a station on

the playground where kids could press a button if

they needed to get a grown-up’s attention.

14

Well, the Tell-a-Teacher station just ended up

being a convenient place for the bullies to hang

out to find their next victims.

The teachers say TEASING counts as bullying,

too, but I don’t think there’s any way they’re

gonna put a stop to THAT. Kids are always

calling each other names and that kind of thing

at my school. In fact, one of the reasons I try

to stay under the radar is because I don’t want

to end up getting stuck with a nickname like

Cody Johnson did.

In kindergarten Cody stepped in some dog poop

at recess, and ever since then people have called

him “Dookie”.

15

And I’m not just talking about the kids, either.

I’m talking about the teachers and even the

PRINCIPAL.

I’ll tell you this: if I ever get a nickname like

Dookie, I’ll move to a different town.

16

But what would probably happen is that someone

from my OLD school would move to my new town

and the whole thing would just start back up again.

The teachers always say that when you’re getting

picked on you should tell an adult. I think that’s

a good idea, but it didn’t work out so well when I

was getting bullied.

There was this kid who lived in the neighbourhood

next to mine, and for some reason everyone called

him “Nasty Pants”.

17

Every time me and my friend Rowley went

through Nasty Pants’s neighbourhood, he chased

us with a stick.

The thing that really stunk was that me and

Rowley used the woods in that neighbourhood as

a shortcut to get to school. So we started having

to go out of our way to avoid getting harassed by

Nasty Pants.

18

We did EXACTLY what the teachers are always

telling us to do, and complained to the vice

principal. But Vice Principal Roy said that since

Nasty Pants didn’t go to our school there was

nothing he could really do about it.

After getting chased a few more times, I

decided I’d had enough, so I told Dad about

the situation. I was afraid Dad was gonna say I

needed to toughen up and deal with the problem

myself, but he surprised me. Dad said that HE

had problems with a bully at my age and he knew

just what I was going through.

19

Dad’s bully was named Billy Staples, and Billy’s

favourite thing to do was pin a kid’s arm behind

his back and hold it there until he cried.

Dad said that the kids in the neighbourhood

told their parents about Billy and they all went

to Billy’s house to confront his mom and dad.

Mr Staples made Billy promise to never pick on

anyone ever again, and Dad said Billy burst into

tears and might have even wet his pants.

20

Well, after hearing that story, I don’t think Billy

Staples would’ve been any match for Nasty Pants.

But I told Dad I liked the idea of complaining to

the bully’s parents. I called up Rowley and told

him to come over and to bring his dad, because we

needed as much back-up as we could get.

Dad knocked on Nasty Pants’s door, and we

waited for one of his parents to open it.

21

But Nasty Pants HIMSELF came to the door,

and me and Rowley took off.

I guess I should’ve described Nasty Pants to

Dad, because it took him a while to understand

that the kid who came to the door was the one

who was causing us all that trouble.

Dad talked to Mrs Pants, and she told Dad her

son was only five and that he just gets a little

wound up sometimes.

22

On the way home, Dad was pretty mad at me for

letting myself get bullied by a kid who was still in

kindergarten. But let me just say in my defence

that when some kid is chasing you with a stick

you don’t stop to ask him how old he is.

Tuesday

They took the last piece of playground equipment

away at school today. We started off the year

with all sorts of things, like monkey bars and

swings and stuff, but now the playground is an

empty sawdust pit.

So recess is basically like a prison yard.

23

I heard the school was having trouble paying

the insurance for the playground, so every time

there was some kind of accident or injury on a

piece of equipment the easiest thing to do was

just remove it.

In October, Francis Knott went flying off the

swing set and landed on the seesaw, so that took

out two big items right there.

We lost the monkey bars when a girl named

Christine Higgins climbed to the top and then got

too scared to come down.

24

The teachers aren’t allowed to touch kids, so

they had to call Christine’s parents to come and

get her.

Eventually the only piece of equipment left was

the balance beam, and I figured nobody could get

hurt on THAT thing. But, believe it or not, some

idiot wasn’t looking where he was going the other

day, so now that’s gone, too.

25

Without any playground equipment, there’s really

nothing for us to do. But the teachers won’t

even let us sit down, because they say we have to

stay “active”.

And it’s not like you’re allowed to bring in toys

or video games to keep yourself occupied, either.

In fact, if you get caught with a toy on the

playground, it’ll get confiscated. Last week

somebody found a miniature car buried in the sawdust

that looked like it had been there for years.

26

The car had three missing wheels, but people were

so desperate for entertainment that they lined up

to play with it while others kept lookout.

Now there’s a black market for toys at our school.

Christopher Stangel brought in a bunch of Lego

from home yesterday, and I hear a single brick will

set you back fifty cents.

The teachers have banned a bunch of games we

used to play, too. Last week a group of boys were

playing Freeze Tag, but one of them got hurt

when someone shoved him from behind.

27

So now we’re not allowed to touch each other or

even RUN. Today people were playing “Air Tag”

and getting around by speed-walking, but it

wasn’t really the same.

If you ask me, I think people are getting too

carried away with all this safety stuff. I went to

Manny’s peewee soccer game, and all the kids had

to wear bicycle helmets.

The only good thing about the playground

equipment being gone is that now I actually have

a chance to start doing well in school.

28

I’m one of those people who has a hard time

focusing when the teacher is talking, and when

another class is having recess right outside the

window it’s practically impossible to pay attention.

Wednesday

OK, I take back what I said about being glad

the playground equipment is gone. Now the kids

at recess don’t have anything to do, so they just

stare in through the windows. And that’s seriously

distracting when you’re trying to take a test.

29

It doesn’t help that I’m not exactly the fastest

test-taker. In third grade I had a teacher

named Mrs Sinclair who taught us all these great

tricks for remembering multiplication facts. But

they seriously slow me down.

Earlier this year we had a maths teacher named Mr

Sparks who used to stand on his chair every time

he wanted us to remember something important.

30

But once when Mr Sparks was trying to get us to

remember a maths concept one of the legs on his

chair broke and he fell.

Mr Sparks broke his collarbone, and I heard he’s

suing the school over it. I don’t remember the

concept he was trying to teach us that day, but I

do always remember never to stand on the furniture.

During recess today everyone was just waiting

to go back inside, but then Rowley got up and

started skipping around the playground.

31

A few people started cheering and clapping. They

must’ve thought Rowley was protesting against all

the new rules by skipping instead of running, but

the truth is skipping is just something Rowley

likes to do.

For some reason it really gets on my nerves when

Rowley skips, so it bugged me to see him prancing

around the playground like that. Skipping is

actually a real sore subject between the two of us.

Rowley says I’m jealous of him because I don’t

know how to skip, but I think it just looks stupid.

I will admit that I never exactly got the hang

of skipping. In fact, I was the only kid in first

grade who couldn’t do it.

I was afraid I’d be held back until I learned how

to skip, but luckily they let me move on to second

grade. Still, I’m worried it’s gonna come back to

haunt me later on.

33

Sometimes I wonder how me and Rowley ended

up being friends in the first place, since we’re so

different. But at this point I figure we’re stuck

with each other, so I just try to overlook the

things he does that annoy me.

Thursday

The thing that stinks about having Santa’s

Scout watching my every move at home is that

I can’t get away with the things I used to do

during the holidays.

A few years ago Mom and Dad put some gifts

under the tree a week before Christmas, and it

was driving me crazy not knowing what they were.

34

One of the gifts had my name on it, and I was

pretty sure it was a video game. I made a tiny

little tear in the wrapping paper to see and, sure

enough, it was a game I’d asked for.

But then it was bugging me that a game I

wanted was sitting right there under the tree

and I couldn’t play it. So I went one step

further and made a slit along the top of the

packaging and slid the box out.

I opened the plastic case and removed the game,

then put the box back in the wrapping paper and

taped it closed.

But I started to get paranoid that Mom was

gonna pick up the present and notice it felt

lighter, so I opened it back up and put one of

Rodrick’s heavy-metal CDs inside the box to make

it the same weight it was before.

35

I played the video game every night after Mom

and Dad went to bed, and I actually beat it.

But I forgot to put it back in the box, and on

Christmas Day, when I opened my present in

front of Mom and Dad, Rodrick’s CD slipped out

and rolled on to the floor.

The day after Christmas, Mom took the CD to

the Game Hut and chewed the clerk out for selling

her material that was “inappropriate” for kids.

I just don’t like not knowing what I’m getting

for Christmas, and sometimes I can’t help myself.

Last year I went on Mom’s e-mail account and

wrote to all our relatives to see if I could find out

what they were getting me.

37

But Mom keeps her e-mail on the computer in the

kitchen, and it’s hard to get onto her account

when Santa’s Scout is watching me like a hawk.

Tonight I spent some time trying to decide what

to put on my Christmas wish list this year. I try

to be as specific as possible when I make my list,

because whenever I leave my gifts up to Mom and

Dad I get some crazy stuff.

A few years ago I forgot to write out a wish

list, and I paid the price for it. Mom was

pregnant with Manny, and she wanted me to get

ready for having a baby brother.

38

So, for Christmas, Mom got me a DOLL.

At first I didn’t want anything to do with it.

39

Then I realized having a doll you could FEED

came in handy. In fact, I don’t think a

vegetable touched my lips for a month after I

got Alfrendo.

But that wasn’t the only thing I used that doll

for. I found out that he made a really excellent

comic-book stand, too.

I have to admit, after a few months I got

really attached to that doll.

40

Since I didn’t have a pet, it was kind of nice to

have something to take care of for once.

But one day I came home from school and I

couldn’t find Alfrendo ANYWHERE. I searched

the house from top to bottom, but there was no

trace of him.

The only thing I could think of was that I

dropped Alfrendo at some point and somehow

didn’t notice.

41

I was pretty torn up about losing my doll, but

what I was REALLY worried about was Mom

thinking I couldn’t be trusted around my new

baby brother. So I got a grapefruit out of the

fridge and drew a face on it with a marker.

Then I wrapped the grapefruit in a dish towel,

and for the next three months I pretended it

was my doll.

42

Mom and Dad didn’t seem to notice. But I was

terrified by the idea that the REAL Alfrendo

was gonna find his way back home and get his

revenge on me for abandoning him and replacing

him with a fruit.

In fact, I still worry about that to this day.

It’s the reason I always check to make sure my

window is locked before I go to bed at night.

I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but I

actually got attached to that GRAPEFRUIT,

too. But after a while it started to rot, and Dad

traced the weird smell back to my Alfrendo decoy.

43

Mom didn’t seem too upset that I’d lost my doll,

but I will say she’s never left me alone in the

house with Manny for more than fifteen minutes.

Like I said, though, it was nice to have

something to take care of, and I missed that

feeling. So these days I’ve been spending a lot of

time playing this game called Net Kritterz.

44

In fact, I’ve been playing Net Kritterz every

free second I get. The basic idea is that you have

to feed your pet and keep it happy. And if your

pet is happy you get tokens so you can buy it

clothes and furniture and stuff like that.

I’ve played so much that my pet Chihuahua has

a mansion with an indoor swimming pool, a bowling

alley and about 150 different outfits.

The only thing I’m not happy about is his

NAME. Mom’s the one who set up my account,

and I can’t figure out how to change the name

she registered with.

45

Mom says I take better care of my virtual pet

than I do MYSELF, and I guess I can’t

argue with her there. Over the weekend I played

for sixteen hours without even taking a break to

go to the bathroom.

But if you don’t keep getting your pet new

stuff it starts to look unhappy, and that really

stresses me out.

46

The problem is you can only earn a certain number

of tokens, and after that you have to buy them

with real money. Unfortunately, I don’t have my

own credit card, so that means I have to beg

Mom and Dad to use THEIRS.

And it’s not really easy to convince Dad to break

open his wallet so you can buy a fancy outfit for

your virtual pet.

This year I’m gonna ask for a bunch of Kritterz

Kash for Christmas. But I’m still trying to figure

out what to put on the REST of my wish list.

I could actually use a LOT of different things,

because a couple of weeks ago when I spent the

night at the hospital getting my tonsils out

Manny sold half of everything I owned.

47

But I’m not so sure I should ask for a normal

gift like a video game or a toy this year. What

I’ve realized is that every time you get something

cool for your birthday or for Christmas within a

week it’s being used against you.

48

One thing I know for sure is that this year

I’m only accepting store-bought presents. Last

Christmas, Mom gave me a really nice hand-knitted

blanket, and I had that thing wrapped round me

for half the winter.

But I found a picture of the same blanket on Great

Uncle Bruce, who passed away a few years ago, so I

pawned it off on Rodrick for his birthday.

49

Sunday

I was gonna play Net Kritterz all weekend,

but yesterday Mom said the amount of time I’m

spending playing that game is “unhealthy” and

that I had to interact with a “real live person”.

So I called up Rowley and asked him to come

over, even though I was still a little bothered by

the whole skipping thing.

When Rowley got to my house, we sat down in

front of the TV to play video games, but Mom

said we had to shut off the machine and interact

“face to face”.

But one of the things that makes my friendship

with Rowley work is that he doesn’t MIND

watching me play video games.

50

Plus, the reason our ancestors invented technology

in the first place was so they didn’t HAVE to

interact with one another.

Mom sent me and Rowley down to the basement,

and the two of us tried to figure out what to do.

I’d asked Rowley to bring some DVDs with him so

we could stay up late watching movies.

But he only brought HOME movies, and you

couldn’t PAY me to watch THOSE.

Mom brought us down some “Wacky Sentences”

books, where you fill in the blanks to create

funny phrases.

51

For the first round, Rowley came up with the

words and I wrote them down in the blanks. The

phrases we made were actually pretty funny, but

what WASN’T funny was Rowley’s new habit of

saying “LOL” instead of laughing.

It was really driving me CRAZY. So we switched

roles, and I came up with the words instead. Rowley

started by asking me for the name of a sport, so I

said “volleyball”. But he told me it’s “bolleyball”, with

a “b”. So then we got into this huge argument about

what letter “volleyball” starts with.

I found a dictionary and handed it to Rowley

and told him to look it up himself. But, instead

of flipping to the letter “v”, Rowley read every

single word in the “b” section. And, when he

couldn’t find “bolleyball”, he started over from

the beginning.

Rowley accused me of having an outdated dictionary

and said that’s why “bolleyball” wasn’t in it, so

THEN we got into an argument about what year

volleyball was invented.

By this point Rowley was really getting on my

nerves, and I realized we’d better change gears

or we were gonna end up in a fight, as usual.

52

53

I told Rowley maybe we should do something

different, and he said he wanted to play hide-

and-seek. But the problem with playing hide-and-

seek with Rowley is he thinks that when he can’t

see YOU, you can’t see HIM. So that makes him

really easy to find.

I decided we just needed a break from each

other, so I came up with an idea. I told Rowley

we were gonna see who was braver, me or him, and

we stepped out the sliding glass door.

Each of us had to walk into the woods and write

our name on the tree fort we built last summer.

And whoever chickened out was wrong about

volleyball and had to call the other guy “sir” for

the rest of his life.

54

Rowley seemed to think that was a fair deal.

I told Rowley I’d go first, and I walked into

the woods. But, as soon as I knew he couldn’t see

me, I ran round to the front of my house.

There’s no WAY I was gonna go into those

woods by myself at night. I had written my name

on the tree fort when me and Rowley had built it

over the summer, and that’s the reason I came up

with the dare.

55

I walked in the front door, made a bowl of ice

cream and relaxed for a while. And, I have to

say, some time to myself was just what I needed.

56

Once I’d finished my ice cream, I walked round

the side of the house, rubbed some dirt on my face

and clothes, then came running out of the woods.

I probably shouldn’t have added that last part,

because Rowley totally gave up on the dare after that.

57

Anyway, that break was just what the doctor

ordered, and the rest of the night was

argument-free.

This morning my family headed to church, and

Rowley came with us. I don’t think Rowley’s

family really goes to church that much, so he’s

not used to all the rules about what you’re

supposed to do and when. So I always have to

tell him when you need to kneel and stand and

all that.

Towards the end we all did the “Peace be with you”

part, where you’re supposed to shake everyone’s

hand. I said “Peace be with you” to Rowley, but

he started giggling.

58

I think he must’ve thought I’d said, “Peas be

with you,” like the vegetable.

I don’t think Rowley totally understood that

you’re just supposed to shake hands with people,

either, because when the woman in the pew behind

us said, “Peace be with you,” Rowley gave her a

big wet kiss on the cheek.

After church we dropped Rowley off at his house,

and I was glad he was gone and that I could go

back to playing my game.

59

And something tells me Mom felt the same way.

DECEMBER

Tuesday

Today I was playing Net Kritterz in my room,

and Mom walked in. She watched for a while, then

asked what I was doing in the game. I explained

that I was watching my Chihuahua watch TV,

because if your virtual pet watches at least two

hours of commercials a day it makes him happy and

you get twenty bonus tokens.

60

Then I asked Mom if she wouldn’t mind spotting

me ten bucks because the Net Kritterz store

just started carrying trampoline shoes and I was

pretty sure Gregory’s Little Friend would really

like to have them.

But I guess I picked the wrong time to ask Mom

for a loan, because it seemed like she was in a bad

mood. She said I didn’t have any appreciation for

the “value of money” and that, if I wanted to

pay for my Net Kritterz “habit”, it was gonna

have to come out of my own pocket.

I told Mom I didn’t have any money of my own

and that’s why I kept hitting up her and Dad.

But she said there were PLENTY of things I

could do to earn some. She said it’s supposed to

snow tonight and I could go out and shovel our

neighbours’ driveways tomorrow.

61

I REALLY don’t feel comfortable knocking on

doors and asking our neighbours for money. My

school has three fundraisers a year, and I have

to go from house to house begging people I

hardly know to buy something from me.

And half the time I don’t even really know what

it is I’m selling.

I wish the school would give us something USEFUL

to sell, like candy bars or cookies. The Girl Scouts

are lucky, because at least they get to sell stuff

people actually WANT.

62

The way the system works with these fundraisers

is that us students do all the work and the

school gives us these junky prizes as rewards.

One time I sold twenty dollars’ worth of gourmet

coffee beans, and all I got was a cheap yo-yo

that broke before I even got off school property.

But Rowley REALLY got stiffed. He sold $150

worth of beans and got a Chinese finger trap as

his prize. It actually worked like it was supposed

to, but Rowley couldn’t get his fingers out, and

his mom had to cut it off when he got home.

63

Last year the school tried something different.

They had us sell raffle tickets, and whoever won

the raffle would get a spring yard clean-up from

the seventh-grade class.

Mrs Spangler, who lives down the street from me,

won the raffle, and on the first day of spring

the whole seventh grade showed up at her house.

But there were only two rakes for all those kids,

so most of the class just ended up sitting around

with nothing to do.

64

And, by the time the “spring clean-up” was done, Mrs

Spangler’s yard was worse off than when it started.

The new thing the school is doing is these

Walkathons. The idea is that we’ll walk round

the track at school a certain number of times, like

one hundred or two hundred laps, and get our

neighbours to sponsor us for each lap we complete.

65

I can understand asking someone to pay for seeds

or coffee beans or whatever, but I don’t know

what kind of person gets pleasure out of having

some kid walk round a football field a couple of

hundred times.

The reason the school put on the Walkathon in

September was so they could pay for a billboard

near the town park.

66

I couldn’t figure out why the school didn’t

just skip the Walkathon and have the kids

clean up the town park instead. But I guess

if the seventh grade was involved they might’ve

completely trashed it.

I’ve done the maths and I’ve figured out

that each grown-up on my street gives me an

average of twenty-three dollars a year for school

fundraisers.

So I should just invite all the neighbours to my

house once a year and tell them to bring me the

twenty-three bucks in cash, because it sure would

save everyone a lot of pain and anguish.

67

Wednesday

It snowed last night just like Mom said it would,

and while all the other kids in the neighbourhood

were enjoying their day off from school I was

pounding the pavement looking for work.

I thought about whose door I should knock

on first, but it wasn’t easy. Mrs Durocher lives

right across the street, but she’s a little too

affectionate, and I usually do my best to avoid her.

68

Then there’s Mr Alexander, who moved into the

Snellas’ house. He must not have worn braces as

a kid, because his teeth aren’t very straight.

Unfortunately, the first time Dad met Mr Alexander

was on Halloween, and Dad must’ve thought his

teeth weren’t real.

So I decided to skip Mr Alexander’s house, too.

There are people who live on my street that I

haven’t spoken to in YEARS. When I was about

four, Mom and Dad had a cocktail party for some

of the couples in the neighbourhood, and I went

downstairs during the party to use the bathroom.

69

But I guess back then I didn’t know you were

supposed to keep the door locked, so Mr Harkin

walked right in on me.

When I was done I found Mom and told on

Mr Harkin, and I’m sure he felt like a jerk.

So I’m not about to knock on the door of some

guy I ratted out when I was in preschool and ask

him for money, either.

70

Today I realized there’s just too much history

between me and the people in my neighbourhood,

so I decided to go one street over to Prentice

Lane and start afresh.

I walked up to the house on the corner and

knocked on the door. But I recognized the

lady who answered. She was Mrs Melcher, one of

Gramma’s friends from Bingo.

I told Mrs Melcher I was trying to earn a little

money shovelling people’s driveways and that I’d

be happy to do hers for five bucks.

71

But she told me she never gets visitors and

invited me inside to chat.

I didn’t want to be rude, so the next thing I

knew I was sitting in Mrs Melcher’s living room

surrounded by the lawn ornaments she’d taken

inside for the winter. I felt a little uncomfortable,

but I figured if I was gonna ask someone for

money the least I could do was try to be polite.

But all I could think about the whole time I

sat there was how much money I could’ve been

making if I’d just knocked on someone else’s

door instead.

72

I must’ve been in there for an hour before I

was finally able to steer the conversation back

to the subject of me shovelling her driveway.

But Mrs Melcher said her son was coming by in

his pickup truck any minute and he ploughs her

driveway for free. So that’s an hour of my life

I’ll never get back.

I headed back out on to Prentice Street and

started knocking on doors. I guess most people

were at work, so it took me a while to find

someone who was actually home. I finally got

lucky when a guy who looked like he’d just woken

up came to the door. I told him I’d shovel his

driveway for five bucks, and he said it was a deal.

73

I got to work and was making pretty good

progress. But it started snowing again while I

was shovelling.

By the time I’d finished, it had snowed so much

that you could barely tell I’d done any work.

74

So I rang the doorbell and asked the guy if

he wanted me to shovel his driveway again for

another five bucks. But he wouldn’t go for it.

And, to make things worse, the guy said he

wasn’t gonna pay me the first five bucks until his

driveway was clear like I’d promised. See, this is

why it’s a good idea to have a contract before you

start working for someone.

I got back out there and started shovelling, but so

much snow was falling that I was getting nowhere.

75

Then I had an idea. Gramma’s house was only a

few streets away, and I remembered that she

keeps her lawn mower in the garage. So I walked

over to her place and pushed the mower back to

the driveway I was working on.

I thought the snow-mowing idea was genius,

and I couldn’t believe no one had ever thought

of it before.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go as smoothly as I

hoped it would. I thought the snow would shoot

out of the side, but the blade cut right through

it and the snow stayed where it was.

Eventually the mower started making funny

sounds, and then all of a sudden it stopped.

76

So I guess those things aren’t really built for

cold weather.

I pushed the mower to Gramma’s and put it back

in her garage. Hopefully it will thaw out before

the summer rolls around.

I still had this guy’s driveway to deal with, but

now the snow was REALLY coming down, and

there was no way I was gonna spend the rest of

my day working for five bucks. I needed a quick

solution so I could move on.

I could see that his garden hose was attached to

the house, so I turned it on, put the nozzle to

the “shower” setting and sprayed down the snow

in the driveway.

77

It was GREAT. The water melted the snow

on contact, and I was cruising. Then I saw a

sprinkler leaning up against the house, and I got

an even BETTER idea.

Once I was finished, I turned off the sprinkler

and knocked on the guy’s door. He paid me my five

bucks when he saw that his driveway was cleared.

78

I was pretty excited about the way things

worked out, and I figured if I found some more

people with sprinklers I could have multiple jobs

going at once.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone else who

was home. But my idea probably wouldn’t have

worked out anyway. Because, by the time I’d

walked back down Prentice Lane, the driveway

I’d hit with the sprinkler was frozen over.

When Dad got home, we had to go out and buy five

big bags of rock salt to melt the guy’s driveway.

79

So now, instead of having money in my pocket for

all my hard work, I’m twenty bucks in the hole.

Thursday

Dad wasn’t too happy that I’d turned somebody’s

driveway into an ice-skating rink yesterday, and

he said he was disappointed in me for using “poor

judgement”. That’s the exact same phrase he’d used

a few weeks ago when I’d scratched up his car.

It all started when I won Student of the Week

at school. When you win Student of the Week,

they give you a bumper sticker that you can put

on your family’s car.

80

The bumper sticker is pretty corny, but it was

still cool to win it.

I’m not sure why I’d won, but I think they

just give it to everyone eventually. Fregley won

Student of the Week this past Friday, and I’m

guessing it was for not biting anyone for five

days straight.

Mom wanted to put my sticker on her car, but

her bumper is so overcrowded that I knew it

would just get lost on there. So I asked Dad if

I could put it on his car.

81

Dad had recently bought a new car, and I

thought my Student of the Week sticker would

look really sharp on his bumper.

But Dad said he didn’t want to “junk up” his new

car. At first I was disappointed, but I guess

I could kind of understand where he was coming

from. My family doesn’t have anything that’s really

nice, and when Dad came home from the dealership

with a sporty car I was pretty surprised.

Mom wasn’t happy that Dad picked out a car

without talking it through with her, though.

82

She said the car looked “flashy” and that since

it only had two doors it wasn’t “practical” for

a family of five. But Dad said it was the car he

wanted, and he kept it.

After I talked to Dad, I didn’t know what to

do with my bumper sticker, so I just ended up

giving it to Manny and telling him he could put it

on his wagon or something.

But Manny turned right around and put it smack

in the middle of Dad’s driver’s-side door.

83

I freaked out because I knew Dad was gonna

think I was the one who put it there. I tried

to peel it off, but they must use superglue on the

backs of those things. So I got some soap and

water and tried to SCRUB it off.

But, after twenty minutes of scrubbing, I’d barely

made a dent.

I started looking for different cleaning supplies

in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, and I

found some steel-wool pads that looked like they

might do the trick.

84

Those things work pretty good on the pots and

pans, so I figured they were worth a try on the

car since it was metal, too.

Sure enough, the steel wool made the bumper

sticker come off the car as easy as pie.

In fact, it was so easy that I kind of got

carried away. I used the steel-wool pads to scrape

off the bugs and bird poop, too. I figured Dad

would be pretty happy I was cleaning his car for

free. But, when I rinsed the car off with the

hose, I got a huge surprise.

85

The steel wool didn’t just scrape the bumper

sticker and bugs off the car. It scraped the

PAINT off, too.

I panicked and started filling in the bare spots

with a permanent marker. But the area where the

bumper sticker had been was too big, so I wrote

a note in Mom’s handwriting and taped it over

that spot.

86

I thought the note might buy me a few days,

but Dad uncovered the big area in no time flat.

Dad was really mad at me, but Mom came to my

defence. She said everyone makes mistakes and

that the important thing is that I learn my

lesson and move on.

I owe Mom for that one. She calmed Dad down

and I didn’t even get grounded.

Dad took the car to the dealer to see how much

it would be to get the paint touched up.

87

The dealer told him it was gonna cost a lot of

money because it was a custom paint job.

Mom told Dad this was a “sign” that it was a

mistake to get a fancy car in the first place and

that he should just trade it in for a used minivan

instead. So that’s what he did.

The funny thing is that the minivan already HAD

a Student of the Week sticker on the bumper

from the previous owners. But Dad didn’t seem to

appreciate the humour in that.

Sunday

Our family usually goes to church at 9:00 a.m.,

but today we went to the folk service at 11:00.

88

The folk service has a different kind of music

from the regular one, and there’s a band that

plays guitars and stuff like that. Last week

Mom convinced Rodrick to join the folk group

because she got a flyer saying they were looking

for a “percussionist”.

I think Rodrick imagined he was gonna get to

play his drums in church, so he signed up.

But it turns out the folk group was looking for

someone to play HAND percussion instruments, like

the tambourine and castanets.

89

Rodrick tried his best to look cool up there in the

front of the church today, but it’s really hard to

pull that off when you’ve got a pair of maracas in

your hands.

I can totally relate to getting duped into joining

something without knowing all the details. Last year

Mom told me I should join the church’s Pre-Teen

Club, but then I found out they were really lax

about who qualified as a “pre-teen”.

90

Every year our church does this thing called the

“Giving Tree”, where people in need put their

requests in envelopes and hang them on the

tree. Then a family picks a random envelope, and

whatever it says inside is what they’re supposed

to buy.

As far as I know, there aren’t any rules about

who’s allowed to put a request on the Giving Tree,

so I decided to try my luck and fill out a form of

my own.

But something told me Mom and Dad wouldn’t

approve, so I made sure it couldn’t be traced

back to me.

91

Monday

This year at school they taped off a bunch of

tables in the cafeteria so kids with nut allergies

could eat in a separate section. I think it’s great

the school did that, but it means there’s a lot less

room for the rest of us to sit.

I’m not sure anyone at my school is actually

allergic to nuts, though, because for the first two

months of this year the tables in the taped-off

area were completely empty.

92

But I guess Ricardo Freedman liked the idea of

all that elbow room, because today he plopped

himself down in the middle of the Nut-Free Zone

and ate two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

he’d brought from home.

Today we had a general assembly, and everyone

was all excited because they told us we were gonna

get to watch a movie. But it was just one of those

educational films about healthy eating.

93

I know I need to eat healthier, but if you

take fast food out of my diet I’m in big

trouble, because I’m probably something like

95% chicken nugget.

The school has really been cracking down on junk

food in the cafeteria. Last week they replaced

the soda machine with a bottled-water machine,

but if they’re gonna charge a dollar for a bottle

of water they should probably think of a better

place to put it.

The school also got rid of a bunch of menu items,

like hot dogs and pizza, and replaced them with

healthier stuff.

94

They even replaced french fries with a new item

called “Extreme Sports Stix”, but it took everyone

about five seconds to figure out that Extreme

Sports Stix are just sliced carrots.

I usually bring a bagged lunch to school, but the

one thing I would always buy from the cafeteria

was a chocolate-chip cookie. Last week, though,

the chocolate-chip cookies were replaced by oatmeal-

raisin cookies. I still buy them, but I eat round

the raisins, which is a lot of work.

I can’t tell you HOW many times I’ve bitten

into an oatmeal-raisin cookie thinking it was

chocolate chip.

95

I have a theory that oatmeal raisin cookies were

invented as a practical joke a long time ago and

that they were never actually meant to be eaten.

Most of the kids at school aren’t too bothered by

all the menu changes, but the thing that really

set people off was when they took away the

energy drinks.

96

The reason the school stopped selling Rowdy Riot

was because teachers were complaining that the

red dye was making kids hyperactive. And if you

walked into my classroom after lunch you’d see

what they were talking about.

But, when they stopped selling Rowdy Riot,

people who were used to drinking three or four

cans a day were totally unprepared to go cold

turkey. In fact, some kids ended up having to go

down to the nurse’s office because they had the

shakes from withdrawal.

The school wouldn’t bring Rowdy Riot back no

matter HOW much people complained. But the

other day Leon Goodson sneaked in a backpack

full of Rowdy Riot he’d brought from home and

sold cans for three bucks a pop.

97

At recess a few kids who’d bought Rowdy Riot

from Leon ducked behind the school and slurped

down their drinks where no one could see them.

But one of the recess monitors, Mrs Lahey, got

suspicious and went back there to see what was

going on.

98

Mrs Lahey told everyone they had to pour out

their drinks immediately or she’d report them to

the principal.

But the second she was gone the kids took off

their shoes and sopped up the puddles with

their socks.

99

Tuesday

One of the reasons the school has been getting

on us about our eating habits is because the

Presidential Fitness Test is coming up, where they

measure you on all sorts of stuff, like how many

sit-ups and chin-ups you can do.

Last year our school was in the bottom 10% in

the country, and I guess the school is trying to

do anything they can to turn that round.

Grown-ups say there’s a big problem with kids

in our generation being out of shape because

they don’t exercise enough, but I don’t think

taking away our playground equipment is really

helping matters.

100

In one part of the Presidential Fitness Test,

they check to see how many push-ups you can do

in a row. The girls in our class did better than

the boys, but that’s only because the girls get to

do an easier kind of push-up.

The boys have to keep their whole body straight

and go all the way to the floor and then all the

way back up again.

But the girls get to let their knees touch the

ground, so they have a HUGE advantage.

101

Not all the girls were happy that they got to

do easier push-ups than the boys, though. In

fact, a couple of girls signed a petition saying

they demanded to do the same kind of push-ups

as the boys.

I’m pretty sure I know where they got that idea.

In Social Studies we’re learning about different

ways people throughout history have protested to

change things they weren’t happy about.

102

I think the girls were expecting a big fight out

of Mr Underwood, but he just told them they

could do regular push-ups if they felt like it. So

now we’re all in the same boat.

I thought that petition thing was a good idea,

though. I figured us boys should be allowed to

do the easy push-ups if we want, so I wrote a

petition and tried to get signatures.

But I got a bad feeling when I saw the group

of guys who wanted to sign my petition, and I

decided to just drop the whole thing.

103

A couple of weeks ago we had to do sit-ups

during Phys Ed, but I got cramps and asked

Mr Underwood if I could just do the rest of my

sit-ups as homework. He said that was OK, but

he wanted proof that I did them.

So the next morning I got some of Mom’s mascara

and drew a six-pack of abs on my stomach. Then I

made sure I had my shirt off when Mr Underwood

walked through the locker room.

The next thing I knew, though, I had a

bunch of copycats, and the following day half

the guys in my class showed up with their OWN

fake six-packs.

104

But some of those guys were REALLY awful

makeup artists.

Still, I think we had Mr Underwood fooled. At

least until we got sweaty and the mascara ran.

Wednesday

For the past few days I’ve been getting alerts

on my Net Kritterz account, and if I don’t get

some Kritterz Kash soon I could have a problem

on my hands.

105

I asked Mom if she could just float me a few

bucks so I could get my pet’s Mood Meter back to

“Calm”, but she wouldn’t budge.

Then she said I shouldn’t expect her to give me

money to buy Christmas presents for the family

this year, either. She said I’m at the age where

I need to be spending my own money so that my

gifts “mean” something.

Usually Mom gives me twenty dollars to spend on

presents and I do all my shopping at the Holiday

Bazaar at school. It’s great because I can get all

my Christmas shopping done in one shot and the

stuff at the Bazaar is dirt cheap.

106

So I always come away with a little money I can

spend on myself.

I usually spend most of my money at the

concession stand. They have the most delicious

chicken drumsticks I’ve ever tasted, but they

have a really goofy name and you feel stupid

ordering them.

107

I don’t know how I’m gonna scrape together

enough money to buy everyone a present. Basically,

there are two times a year when I can count

on getting spending money, and that’s on my

birthday and Christmas.

I’m just glad my birthday’s a few months away

from Christmas so I get separate gifts for

BOTH. I feel bad for people who have their

birthday right around the holidays, because it

gets lumped together with Christmas and they

end up getting cheated out of a gift.

It’s not fair, but I guess it’s been happening for

thousands of years.

108

I realized something today, though. I might not

have any cash, but I DO have something valuable:

my first-edition signed copy of the “Tower of

Druids” graphic novel.

I got “Tower of Druids” signed by the author,

Kenny Centazzo, at the comics convention in the

city last year.

Well, actually, I didn’t technically get it signed

- Mom did. I waited in line for two and a half

hours, and then I had to take a bathroom break.

By the time I got back, Mom had got my book

signed.

109

I was bummed that I didn’t get to meet Kenny

Centazzo, but at least I got his autograph.

I looked on the computer today and found out

that a first-edition signed copy of “Tower of

Druids” is worth forty bucks. So that’ll cover me

for Christmas presents, and I’ll have enough left

over to get Gregory’s Little Friend that jacuzzi

he seems to want.

I told Mom about my plan to sell my book, and

she didn’t like the idea. She said I waited a long

time to get that thing signed and I would really

regret selling it.

110

Mom said that when I had kids they’d be mad I

sold it because it’ll be worth a lot of money.

Well, that settled it for me. I’ve already decided

I’m not HAVING any kids. I want to be a

bachelor like my Uncle Charlie, who spends all his

money on holidays and heated toilet seats and

stuff like that, instead of forking it over to a

bunch of ungrateful kids.

111

I can thank my librarian, Mrs Schneiderman, for

getting me into the “Tower of Druids” series to

begin with, because she’s the one who started the

graphic-novel section in our school library.

I don’t know when they started calling comic

books graphic novels, but I’m glad they did. Some

of the teachers complain that they don’t count as

REAL reading, but, the way I see it, if they’re

in the library they’re fair game for book reports.

112

Unfortunately, when Mrs Schneiderman put in

the graphic novels, she got rid of the Easy

Reader section. I always used the books in the

Easy Reader section to do my reports for Social

Studies, because you could whip through one of

them in about forty-five seconds.

When I was little I used to want to be an

author myself. But whenever I started telling

Mom my ideas she’d say my story was just like

some book that was already published.

113

I realized all the good ideas were taken before I

was even born.

Mom said if I wanted to be an author I should

try coming up with something original. But it was

really hard coming up with a fresh idea, so I just

took one of my favourite books and more or less

copied it word for word with a few small tweaks.

When Mom read what I wrote, she was really

impressed, and I guess she thought I was some

kind of genius or something.

But I think Mom got a little carried away. She

sent my book to a publisher in New York, who

told her I’d plagiarized “Geoffrey the Gorilla”,

which was already a bestselling kids’ book.

114

Mom was pretty mad at me for passing off the

book as my own, but I’m surprised she couldn’t

figure it out herself from reading it.

Thursday

Well, it turns out my first-edition copy of “Tower

of Druids” is totally worthless. I brought it to

the comic-book shop yesterday afternoon hoping

to cash in, but the guy who works there told me

the autograph was a forgery.

115

I told him he didn’t know what he was talking

about, because Mom got my book signed by the

actual author. But the comic-book guy showed me

a catalogue with Kenny Centazzo’s signature in it,

and it looked COMPLETELY different.

I was really confused, but on the walk home I

realized what must’ve happened. Mom probably got

tired of waiting in line at the comics convention

and just signed the book HERSELF. In fact, I

should’ve figured that out from the inscription.

116

It wouldn’t be the FIRST time Mom pulled this

sort of thing, because she has ZERO patience for

waiting in line.

When I was little I used to like to get my

picture taken with the characters at theme parks.

But whenever there was more than a five-minute

wait Mom would just walk to the front of the

line and snap a picture of the character and

whatever kid was posing with him. That’s why

our holiday photo albums are full of pictures of

random people.

When I got home I went straight to Mom’s room

with my book, and the look on her face said it all.

So now I know why she didn’t want me to sell it.

117

I just hope Mom knows that when she doesn’t

get a present from me on Christmas she’s only

got herself to blame.

Friday

Even though I was still pretty mad at Mom for

forging that signature, she bailed me out today.

At school Rowley was carrying a present, and

I asked him what it was for. He said it was his

Secret Holiday Buddy gift.

I forgot all ABOUT the Secret Holiday

Buddy thing.

118

Everyone at school is supposed to buy a gift for

the person they get assigned and then give it

anonymously.

The person I was supposed to get a gift for was

Dean Delarosa, who I’ve known a long time. Back

in third grade, I got invited to Dean’s birthday

party, but Mom got the date wrong and I

showed up at his house a week EARLY.

Dean’s mom told us the party was the following

week, so we went home.

119

But the gift Mom bought for Dean was really

cool, and I ended up playing with it myself.

By the time Dean’s actual birthday rolled around,

I’d already broken the robot’s hand and lost the

gun that came with it, so I skipped the party.

I’ve felt guilty about that ever since, and today

I didn’t want to cheat Dean out of a gift for

the second time. So when I got to school I

asked the secretary in the front office to call

Mom and see if she could pick something up for me.

And she came through just in time.

120

The teacher started handing out the Secret

Holiday Buddy gifts, and I got a jar of gummy

bears. Finally, there was only one present under

the tree, and it was the one for Dean.

Unfortunately, Mom didn’t understand that the

gift was supposed to be ANONYMOUS, so it

was totally embarrassing when the teacher read

the card on Dean’s present out loud.

Dean looked like he wanted to crawl under his

desk and hide, and I felt the same exact way.

121

Saturday

I always thought the only place in the world

where you could get Drummies was at the Holiday

Bazaar. But today me and Mom were at the

grocery store, and you’ll never BELIEVE what I

found in the frozen-food aisle.

Now I know that I can have Drummies whenever

I want and that they’re TOTALLY ripping us

off at the Holiday Bazaar. You can buy a whole

BOX at the store for what they charge for three

or four individual Drummies at school.

In fact, now that I could get my own Drummies,

I realized I could run my OWN Holiday Bazaar.

122

But first I had to buy up the grocery store’s

supply before the school beat me to it.

Other kids in my neighbourhood have done this

sort of thing before. Last summer Bryce Anderson

and a bunch of his cronies set up a restaurant for

all the neighbourhood parents.

I heard they pulled in almost three hundred

bucks, and I know for a fact that one of Bryce’s

goons bought a brand-new BB gun with his share.

123

I knew I couldn’t run a Holiday Bazaar all by

myself, so I called Rowley and asked him to help

out. We found some Christmas ornaments and

some other stuff in my basement we could sell.

But I figured if we were gonna compete with

the school’s Holiday Bazaar we’d have to come up

with better games than the beanbag toss and the

ping-pong-ball bounce.

Rowley suggested a dunk tank, but I told him

I didn’t think Mom would allow that in the

house. Plus, we had a dunk tank when we ran a

Fun Fair in Rowley’s yard over the summer, and it

was a DISASTER.

124

We didn’t know you were supposed to protect the

guy in the dunk tank by putting him in a cage.

Me and Rowley decided it would be really cool if

our Holiday Bazaar had a video-game arcade. We

didn’t have the money to buy real arcade machines,

so we got a bunch of cardboard boxes out of the

basement to make homemade versions.

We started off with Pac-Man because we thought

it would be pretty easy to make. In Pac-Man

you’ve got a little character who goes around

eating pellets while getting chased by ghosts.

125

In our version we were gonna have Rowley on

the inside of the box operating ghosts glued to

pencils, while the person who was playing the

game manoeuvred Pac-Man from the outside with a

popsicle stick.

126

We spent the next two hours making the box look

just like the real thing.

But, while we were working, Rowley started asking

questions about how long he was gonna be in

the box and what would happen if he needed a

bathroom break. I gave him an empty two-litre

soda bottle to keep in the box for when he had to

go Number One.

Rowley asked what he would do if he needed to

go Number Two, but I told him we’d cross that

bridge when we came to it.

127

Once we were done colouring in our machine, we

started cutting out the groove where the popsicle

sticks were supposed to go.

But I guess we weren’t really thinking ahead,

because, as soon as we cut the outer border, the

whole maze fell inside the machine.

So I guess we’re not gonna make a lot of money

on Pac-Man unless people are willing to pay

twenty-five cents to see Rowley sitting in a box.

128

Sunday

Me and Rowley still have a lot of work to do to

set up our Holiday Bazaar, but I realized we’d

better not wait until the last minute to let people

know about it. So we went down to the town

newspaper’s office and told them we wanted to

order a full-page colour ad in tomorrow’s edition.

They said an ad like that would cost a thousand

dollars, and I told them we could pay for it the

day AFTER our event. But they wouldn’t take an

IOU, even when I told them how many Drummies

we were planning on selling.

I suggested maybe they could just write an

article about how two regular kids were putting

together their own Holiday Bazaar and not

charge us anything.

129

But they told us they didn’t consider our Holiday

Bazaar “newsworthy”.

I think it stinks that the newspaper basically

gets to control the information people are

getting. At home, I complained to Mom, and

she suggested me and Rowley start our OWN

newspaper and write about our Bazaar.

I thought that was a GREAT idea, and we got

right to work. We came up with a name for our

paper and put together the front page.

130

We realized we were gonna have to come up with

some more pages for people to take our newspaper

seriously, so we started brainstorming ideas for

other sections we could add. I figured we needed

a comics section, so we started there.

We added an advice column, where people write in

questions about problems they’re having. But we

didn’t have time to wait for people to send in real

questions, so we just made a few up.

131

Rowley was all excited about this newspaper, and

he said he wanted to be like a real reporter and

go out looking for stories. So I told him he should

go around the neighbourhood and see if he could

dig up any dirt. But what Rowley came back with

wasn’t exactly hard-hitting news.

132

I decided to make myself editor in chief so I

could control the kinds of things we had in our

newspaper. Because, if Rowley had his way, our

paper would be like a little girl’s colouring book.

Mom told us we should go to some businesses

downtown and see if anyone was willing to pay

for ads to cover the cost of our first printing.

The only person who was willing to buy an ad in

our paper was Tony from Papa Tony’s Pizza, and

I’m pretty sure the reason he agreed to help is

because we’re in there at least twice a week and

he didn’t want to lose our business.

Tony gave us just enough money to buy some colour

ink cartridges, so we printed a hundred copies.

133

Monday

Yesterday we went around town trying to sell our

papers, but nobody wanted to pay and we had to

start giving them out for free. When we handed a

paper to Tony, he didn’t seem too happy that his

ad was running next to a negative review of his

restaurant.

I told him if he bought a BIGGER ad for the

NEXT edition of the paper we could arrange for

a more positive write-up.

We still had a few dozen papers left and, since

we were handing them out for free, I figured I

could unload them at school.

134

But, when I started giving them to kids as they

walked in the door, Vice Principal Roy asked me

what I was doing.

He said I couldn’t hand out an “unauthorized

publication” on school grounds and that he was

going to have to confiscate my papers. But I

knew what this was REALLY all about. Vice

Principal Roy was just spooked that we were

gonna give the school a run for its money with our

Holiday Bazaar.

I was still pretty mad about the whole thing

when I got home this afternoon, and I decided

I wasn’t gonna just roll over and let Vice Principal

Roy shut us down.

135

Even though Vice Principal Roy took our papers,

I figured I could make some signs and hang them

up around town to advertise.

I knew Mom kept poster board and markers in

the laundry room for school projects, so I got

to work. I used the neon green poster board,

because I wanted to make sure you could see our

signs from a mile away.

I finished making the posters after dinner and

called Rowley to ask for help putting them up. We

started with the school because I figured a lot of

parents would see them when they dropped their

kids off in the morning.

136

But, right when we were done hanging them up,

it started to rain, and the marker on our signs

ran. And soon they were pretty much worthless.

But, when we pulled them down, we got a huge

shock. The rain had made the green dye from the

poster board bleed, too, and now there were huge

green splotches all over the brick wall.

137

We tried to get the green dye off the wall, but

that stuff was like permanent ink.

I knew we couldn’t leave giant green stains all

over the school, so I tried to figure out what

to do next. But, right at that moment, someone

yelled at us from the street.

138

Me and Rowley panicked and took off. We ran

across the parking lot and through the shortcut

in the woods, then kept running until we were

sure we’d lost whoever was back there.

I wish we hadn’t run, because if we had just

stayed and explained ourselves it probably would’ve

been fine. I don’t know if the person who called

out was a parent or a police officer or WHAT, but

I just hope they didn’t recognize us. Because if

they did we could be in some SERIOUS trouble.

Tuesday

When I woke up this morning, I thought maybe

everything that happened last night was just a

bad dream. But then I saw the newspaper on the

kitchen table.

139

So now I’m basically a criminal. Believe it or not,

this isn’t the FIRST time I’ve been falsely

accused of a crime.

When I was in the Boy Scouts, I was trying to

earn my Service Project merit badge, and I had to

do some kind of good deed. Mom said I should go

over to Leisure Towers and see if there were any

elderly people who needed help carrying groceries or

something like that, and she told Rodrick he had to

give me a ride.

140

When we got to the parking lot of Leisure

Towers, there was a lady walking around who

looked like she was lost.

We asked the lady if she needed any help, and

she said she was just walking to the supermarket

on the other side of the apartment building. But

I knew the nearest supermarket was almost five

miles away in the opposite direction, so we said

we’d give her a ride.

141

The only condition was that she had to ride in

the back because I had already called shotgun.

We dropped the woman off at the supermarket,

and then we went home. When we walked in the

door, I was pretty excited to tell Mom about my

good deed. I told her about the lady and how

we gave her a ride to the supermarket a few miles

from Leisure Towers and saved her a lot of walking.

142

But Mom said there was a brand-new supermarket

a block away from Leisure Towers and the woman

had probably been heading THERE. So that

meant we’d dropped her off five miles from where

she was trying to go, and now she didn’t have a

way to get home.

Mom said we had to get back in the van and

see if we could find the lady, so we went to the

supermarket where we’d dropped her off. But a

cashier told us she’d already finished her shopping

and left.

We eventually found the lady walking along the

highway with her groceries.

143

We tried to offer her a ride back to Leisure

Towers, but this time she wouldn’t get in the van.

I guess she must’ve called the local TV station to

report us once she got home, because that night

we were on the news.

144

This school vandalism thing seems a LOT more

serious, though. Luckily the eyewitness sketches in

the paper didn’t really look like me and Rowley,

so I thought maybe we’d be OK. But when I

got to school all anyone wanted to talk about was

who was behind the green blobs.

The school had a general assembly in third period,

and the topic was the so-called graffiti on the

front of the school. Vice Principal Roy said someone

had spray-painted the front wall and he was sure

the perpetrators were students at our school.

He said someone in the auditorium knew who was

responsible and that it was terrible to live with a

“guilty conscience”. Then he said he was gonna put

a locked box in the cafeteria to make it easy for

someone to leave an anonymous tip.

145

At lunch I could tell Rowley was really freaking

out, so I reminded him that this “vandalism”

thing was a lot of baloney and we didn’t really

do anything wrong. But Rowley said if he got

a criminal record he wouldn’t be able to get into

college or get a job and that his whole future

would be ruined. It took a while, but eventually

I convinced him to just stay cool and wait for

the whole thing to blow over.

After lunch the POLICE came to the school, and

Vice Principal Roy started calling kids down to the

front office one by one. At first I was worried

someone had identified us, but then I realized Vice

Principal Roy was only calling the names of the

worst troublemakers.

146

That’s when I knew they didn’t have any real

evidence, and I started to relax.

At recess a kid named Mark Ramon told us what

happened when he went in for questioning. The

police had a machine that they said was a lie

detector, and they claimed it was foolproof, so

there was no point in fibbing.

Mark said it was pretty obvious the “lie detector”

was really just a photocopier. But whenever Mark

said something the police didn’t like Sergeant Peters

hit the “copy” button and out came a piece of paper.

147

I guess the police eventually gave up, because

after lunch Vice Principal Roy stopped calling kids

down to the front office. So I finally feel like

we’re off the hook.

Wednesday

When I got to school today, I thought the

green dye incident was totally behind me. So I

was pretty surprised when I heard MY name on

the loudspeaker during morning announcements.

148

I walked into Vice Principal Roy’s office, and he told

me to take a seat. He said he knew I was one of

the “culprits” responsible for the green blobs and

asked me if I had anything to say for myself.

I looked around the room for the lie detector

machine, but I didn’t see it, and I decided my

best move was to just keep quiet or maybe ask

for a lawyer. Then Vice Principal Roy pulled a

piece of paper out of the anonymous-tip box and

showed it to me.

All of a sudden, everything made sense.

149

Rowley had confessed, but he’d kept himself

anonymous. I don’t know if Rowley did it that

way on purpose or if he’s just a total doofus, but

I’m guessing it’s door number two.

I didn’t see any reason to play dumb at that

point, so I told Vice Principal Roy the whole

story. I told him about the signs and how the

rain had made the poster board bleed and how

we’d panicked and ran.

Vice Principal Roy thought about it for a while,

and then he told me I should’ve come clean

earlier. He said he was gonna have to give me a

punishment to make sure I learned my lesson and

said that after school I had to scrub the green

dye off the wall with bleach.

Then he gave me a choice.

150

He said I could name my “co-conspirator” or I

could just take the punishment myself.

Let me tell you, that was not an easy one. I

really wanted to stick it to Rowley for writing my

name on that piece of paper, but I also didn’t

see the point in both of us getting in trouble for

something that I’d basically dragged him into.

So I decided this time around I’d just take one

for the team.

And, if Rowley gets into a good college or gets

some dream job later on, I hope he remembers to

thank me.

151

Thursday

It took me two hours to scrub the green dye

off the wall yesterday, and it was hard work. I

tried to get Vice Principal Roy to get me a few

steel-wool pads so we could speed things along,

but he told me I needed to stick with the bleach.

I finally got home around 5:00 p.m., and there

was a note on the front door. When I read it,

I almost passed out.

I couldn’t BELIEVE Vice Principal Roy gave me

up to the police. I thought we were gonna keep

this between us and that once I’d served my

punishment it was over and done with.

152

All I know is I can’t go to jail. This year they

took our class on a “Scared Straight” field trip to

the local prison. They had these prisoners talk to

us about what their lives were like in jail, and it

really freaked everybody out.

But it wasn’t the idea of being locked up that

scared me. It was the fact that the toilets in

the cells are right out in the open.

153

I have a HUGE issue when it comes to privacy.

It’s bad enough at school when you come back

from the bathroom and everyone wants to know

all the details.

I’ve never actually broken the law before, but

when I was little I THOUGHT I had. They

used to have this thing at my supermarket called

the “Cupcake Club”, where they gave a free

cupcake to everyone under eight years old. I had a

membership card and everything.

154

Well, I kept taking a cupcake even AFTER I

turned eight, and every time I did I thought

I was gonna get busted. Then this one time an

alarm went off at the EXACT moment I bit into

a strawberry-frosted cupcake with sprinkles.

Looking back, I’m pretty sure what happened

was that someone accidentally tripped the fire

alarm or something, but I was convinced it was

for me and that the cops were gonna swoop in

and place me under arrest.

So I made a run for it. Luckily Mom found me

a few streets away, because, as far as I was

concerned, I was a fugitive and had started my

life of crime.

155

But this vandalism thing was a whole lot more

serious than the Cupcake Club episode. So, when

Mom got home with Manny, I didn’t tell her

about the note.

The person I was really worried about was DAD.

I haven’t been on his good side lately. In fact,

this morning we had an incident I’m sure he’s still

sore over.

I was asleep when I heard someone knocking on

the front door, but I didn’t wanna get out of

bed to answer it.

156

I was hoping whoever was there would just go

away and come back later.

But the knocking got louder and louder, and

the person out there was acting like a maniac. I

buried myself in my covers and just prayed that

whoever it was wouldn’t knock the door down.

I thought about calling the police, but then I

remembered I was a wanted man and that I’d

have to deal with this problem on my own.

157

Eventually I got brave enough to go downstairs

and grab a baseball bat out of the garage to

protect myself.

Then it went quiet, and I pulled the curtain

back to see if the person was still out there.

But I was surprised to see DAD standing on

the front step.

He had got his tie stuck in the door and had left

his keys inside, so he just needed me to open it to

let him loose.

158

So I’m sure Dad is ready to ship me off to

juvenile detention the first chance he gets.

In fact, if he’s home when the police come he’ll

probably hand me over into their custody without

batting an eye.

It turns out I don’t have to worry about Dad

- at least not for the next twenty-four hours.

It started snowing pretty hard around dinner

tonight, and Dad called Mom to say it was too

dangerous for him to drive home, so he was gonna

stay overnight in a hotel near his office.

That means I’ve got until tomorrow to figure out

my next move.

159

Friday

It looks like I’ll have more time than I thought.

It snowed all night, and by the time I woke up

this morning the snow was three feet high. They

even cancelled school.

Apparently we’re in the middle of a BLIZZARD.

Rowley actually called last night to tell me we

were supposed to get a ton of snow, but I didn’t

believe him.

Every year around this time, Rowley calls to

tell me there’s a huge snowstorm coming, and

he’s always wrong. His family taped one of those

holiday specials a few years ago, and the night

they recorded it a “severe weather” warning was

on the bottom of the screen.

160

So now the weather warning is a permanent part

of the recording.

Every time Rowley watches that holiday special,

he calls me up and tells me a blizzard is coming.

I used to fall for it, but I stopped believing him

after he called me in a panic when he watched the

special during the summer holidays.

So it looks like we’re snowed in. Ordinarily I

would be really happy to be stuck in the house,

because it would give me a good excuse to play Net

Kritterz all day long.

161

But my account is locked thanks to Manny.

A few days ago Mom decided it would be a good

idea to teach Manny how to use the computer,

so she let him play on my Net Kritterz account

while I was at school. By the time I got home,

Manny had traded in everything I’d ever earned

in the game for tokens and then blew all of them

in the Kritterz Kasino.

And the worst part is that Manny somehow

figured out how to change my PASSWORD, so

now I can’t even play the game and earn my

stuff back. For the past few days I’ve been

getting e-mails from Net Kritterz telling me I

need to get back on the site, but there’s nothing

I can do about it.

162

And if something doesn’t change soon I don’t

think my Chihuahua is gonna make it.

This isn’t the only password Manny has changed,

either. He figured out how to mess with the

settings on our TV and changed the “parental

lock” feature.

The parental lock thing is supposed to allow

parents to control what their kids can watch,

but Manny changed the settings so that the only

shows we can watch are HIS favourites. And he

won’t give up the password, no matter how much

we try to bribe him.

163

Luckily I can still play video games on the TV.

But Mom just got this exercise game, and now she

spends an hour a day using my system.

When it got cold a few weeks ago, Mom said she

wanted the whole family to use her exercise game

so we’d stay active during the winter. I tried

it out, but I don’t really like to sweat while I’m

playing video games.

164

The problem is the game keeps track of how much

you exercise each day, so Mom was on my case

about not using it. But then I figured out I

could use the controller instead of my body, and

within a few days I had all the high scores on

the game.

When Mom saw my high scores, she took it as a

personal challenge to beat them. I feel like I

should probably come clean and tell her I cheated,

but she’s already lost five pounds trying to get on

the leaderboard, so I think I’ll do her a favour

and keep my mouth shut.

165

Mom always says I need to spend less time on

the couch and more time being active. But, the

way I see it, I’m just conserving my energy for

later on. When all my friends are in their eighties

and their bodies are broken down, I’ll just be

getting started.

This morning Mom wanted to turn on the weather

channel to see when the blizzard was going to

end, but Manny wasn’t budging on the parental

lock, so she went into the kitchen and turned on

the radio.

The weather report said we could expect another

foot and a half overnight, which means this storm

is gonna break all the records for our area by the

time it’s finished.

166

On the one hand I was pretty happy, because

that meant I had some more time to figure out

what to do about the police situation. But I was a

little worried, too. The snow was already up to our

mailbox, and it wasn’t showing any sign of stopping.

Mom wasn’t stressed out about the snow, though.

She said it was a good opportunity to slow down

and relax and told me I should go down in the

storage room to get a puzzle.

But there was no WAY I was getting a puzzle

from the storage room. I have a big phobia

about puzzles, and that’s because once when I

got one out of the basement I opened the box

and it was full of CRICKETS that had made a

nest in there.

167

After lunch Mom said that even though we were

gonna miss school she was gonna make sure we

didn’t fall behind in our education. She said that

two hundred years ago all the kids went to school

in one classroom and that we could do the same

sort of thing in our house.

But if I was in the same classroom as a kid

Manny’s age back in the old days I would have

gone bananas.

168

Saturday

Last night Mom brought up some stuff from the

basement to keep us entertained. She’d found a

magic set I got for my sixth birthday, and all

the tricks were still in it.

I never really played with the magic set because

I couldn’t read the directions when I got it. But

today I read through the instructions and tried

a few tricks out.

The first trick worked pretty well, and I had

Manny believing there was actually a magical hole

in the table.

169

I really wish I hadn’t done that trick for

Manny, though. When Mom was in the bathroom

washing her face, Manny got her glasses off the

dresser and brought them into the kitchen to try

the trick himself.

When Mom got out of the bathroom to look for

her glasses, I had to tell her what happened.

170

Mom is practically BLIND without her glasses, so

she said me and Rodrick were gonna have to help

her out with Manny until Dad came home and she

could get a new pair. Rodrick said he had some

urgent homework assignments to work on, and

he took off for the basement, leaving me to deal

with Manny.

I had to brush Manny’s teeth and tie his shoes,

and then I had to make him breakfast. I poured

some milk in the bowl and then dumped Manny’s

favourite cereal on top.

Well, Manny was upset that I poured the milk in

first, and he had a fit. He wanted a new bowl of

cereal since he said I did it in the wrong order.

But I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good bowl

of cereal, so I refused to do it.

171

Mom asked what was going on, and I told her

Manny was just being ridiculous. I expected her to

back me up and tell Manny to just eat his cereal

the way it was, but Mom said she wouldn’t eat it

with the milk poured in first, either.

You know, back in the old days adults were

respected because of how wise they were, and

people went to them to help settle disputes.

172

Nowadays it’s a whole different world, and half

the time I wonder if grown-ups should really

be in charge.

Mom went upstairs to take a shower, and after she

was finished she yelled down and said there were

no towels in the bathroom. So I got one from the

linen closet and tried to give it to her. But the

handoff was tricky because she couldn’t see and I

was shutting my eyes as tightly as I could.

173

Later that morning Manny had to use the

bathroom, and Mom said she needed me to go in

there and keep him “entertained”. But that’s

where I put my foot down, because I knew what

she had in mind. Manny used to make Mom read

to him while he sat on the potty, but it just

escalated from there.

After Manny was finished in the bathroom, Mom

said I needed to make him lunch. She said he likes

hot dogs, so I got one out of the refrigerator

and put it in the microwave.

Mom told me Manny is really finicky about the

way his mustard goes on his hot dog, and she said

he likes a straight line right down the middle.

I didn’t want a repeat of Manny’s breakfast

meltdown, so I tried to make the line of mustard

as perfectly straight as possible.

174

I was pretty sure I’d got it right.

Manny had another temper tantrum, though.

I thought the line must not have been straight

enough, so I got a napkin and wiped the mustard

off to give it another try. But I guess Manny

thought that hot dog was tainted, so I had to

microwave another one.

This time I tried to be extra careful with the

mustard, but when I showed it to Manny it was

the same exact result as before.

Mom asked me to describe how I was doing it,

and I told her I was making a straight line of

mustard along the length of the hot dog.

175

But Mom told me Manny likes his line of mustard

ACROSS the hot dog, and when I did it like

that he finally calmed down.

See, this is the kind of nonsense I’m dealing with

right now. I’ve seen a lot of movies where a kid

my age finds out he’s got magical powers and then

gets invited to go away to some special school.

Well, if I’ve got an invitation coming, now would

be the PERFECT time to get it.

176

Sunday

This morning at 10:00, Mom told me to go

downstairs and wake up Rodrick. But when I

walked down the basement steps I could tell

something was seriously wrong.

There was at least a FOOT of water covering

the basement floor. I guess all that snow was

too much for the ground to hold and it had

caused the basement to flood.

I told Mom to come downstairs quick, and when

she did she was REALLY upset that a bunch of

our stuff was ruined. But, to be honest with you,

there were some things floating in the water that

I didn’t MIND getting wrecked.

177

Mom keeps a “memory box” for each of us kids,

and mine was on the bottom shelf, so it was

mostly underwater. One of the things that was in

the box was my bed-wetting calendar from when I

was eight years old.

Let me just say in my defence that there was

a perfectly good reason why I was wetting the

bed back then. In those days I drank a lot of

water before I went to sleep at night, and then

I’d have these crazy dreams that made me need

to go.

178

I finally figured out what the issue was, but not

before I got five frowny-face stickers in a row.

Some of the yearbooks from my elementary school

days were soaked, but I didn’t mind that, either.

My fifth-grade yearbook was in my memory box,

and that’s the one where we were allowed to

choose whatever kind of background we wanted for

our school picture.

I was the only kid in the whole school who chose

“Natural Setting”.

179

I knew I should’ve just gone with a regular

background, but Mom talked me into it when the

forms came home from school.

I don’t really understand why Mom was so upset.

Most of the stuff that got ruined was in the

basement for a reason, and that’s because we

never USE it. One of the things Mom was really

sad about was a “spoon carousel” Gammie gave us

five or six years ago.

180

I think we were supposed to collect a spoon from

every country in the world, but we only got up

to Canada.

I did feel pretty bad for Mom when she found

out one of the family photo albums got ruined. A

few years ago Mom got into scrapbooking, and

she spent a lot of time cutting out pictures and

doing these really fancy photo pages.

181

But there’s one page in that album I didn’t like,

because Rodrick always teases me about it. It’s

the one where I had a breakdown before a pony

ride at the state fair.

Rodrick always says I was scared of the pony,

but that’s not true at all. I was scared of the

guy HANDLING the pony, but Mom cropped

HIM out of the picture.

182

Speaking of Rodrick, the flooding didn’t seem to

bother him at all. In fact, I’ll bet if I hadn’t

woken him up he would’ve kept sleeping even if his

bed floated up the stairs and out of the house.

The rest of the day was pretty awful. The water

in the basement kept getting higher, so we had

to make a bucket relay line with some of Manny’s

sand pails.

183

Dad called from his hotel room to check in on

us, and Mom told him what happened. Dad said

he was really sorry he wasn’t home to help, but

something tells me he’s OK with the way things

worked out for him.

I would LOVE to trade places with Dad right

now, because he’s got a clean room and a king-size

bed all to himself.

Mom told me and Rodrick that, since the

basement was flooded, we’re gonna have to share

MY room. She said it would be good for both of us

to get used to having a “roommate”, because it was

practice for college.

184

Me and Rodrick shared a room this summer for

a weekend. We had to spend a few days at

Gramma’s while Mom and Dad took Manny to a

kiddie amusement park. Gramma has a guest room,

so I figured one of us would sleep on her couch

and the other would get the guest bed.

But Gramma said the guest room was “occupied”, so

we couldn’t sleep there. She’d given the whole room

to Sweetie, the dog we gave her. But you’d hardly

know he’s the same dog, because Gramma feeds him

so much he looks like a tick that’s about to pop.

Gramma said me and Rodrick could sleep together

on the pullout couch she has in the living room.

185

But that couch is covered in plastic because she

doesn’t trust us kids not to spill something on it.

So me and Rodrick spent a whole weekend sleeping

side by side on a queen-size pullout couch. I’d wake

up every morning in a pool of sweat, and I don’t

even know if it was Rodrick’s or mine.

I’m pretty sure that in prison you sleep in bunk

beds, so if they lock me up at least I’ll have

a better sleeping arrangement than I had at

Gramma’s this summer.

186

Monday

After twelve hours of sharing a room with

Rodrick, I’m thinking of marching down to the

police station and turning myself in. Because there’s

no punishment they can dream up that could be

worse than what I’m dealing with at home.

Last night Rodrick brought a bunch of his stuff

from the basement and put it in my room. This is

supposed to be a temporary living situation, but

Rodrick is treating it like a permanent one.

Rodrick’s got his drum set on stacks of books to air

it out, and his dirty clothes are EVERYWHERE.

187

This morning when I was getting dressed, I

put on a pair of boxer shorts that was sitting on

my dresser. But, by the time I realized it was

actually Rodrick’s dirty underwear, it was too late.

So until Mom did a load of laundry I wore my

Halloween costume. It was uncomfortable, but at

least I knew for sure it was CLEAN.

This afternoon we were down in the basement

seeing if there was anything we could salvage

from the flood.

188

I noticed something strange floating in the water

in the storage room, and when I picked it up I

almost passed out.

At first I thought it was a real baby, but then

I realized it was my long-lost doll, Alfrendo.

After all this time, Alfrendo wasn’t looking too

good. I think a mouse must’ve got to him, and

spending a day in the water didn’t help, either.

189

But in a weird way I was kind of glad to see him.

I was living with the guilt of losing Alfrendo for

all these years, and now I’d found out he was in

the house all along.

In fact, I couldn’t figure out how he’d wound up

in the storage room. But I realized it HAD to be

Dad. He was never really on board with the whole

doll idea, and I’m sure he got rid of Alfrendo

when I wasn’t looking.

I figured I’d confront Dad about kidnapping my

doll when he got home, but at the moment I had

bigger things to worry about. The first one was

what I was gonna EAT.

190

Over the past few days we’ve been running low on

food, and if this snow doesn’t melt quick I don’t

know WHAT we’re gonna do.

Mom was supposed to go grocery shopping the day

the blizzard hit, so we have less food than usual

to begin with. She said we’re gonna have to start

“rationing” until she can go back out.

That could be a while, though. The snow is piled

up three feet high against the front door, so

we’re basically trapped inside.

191

And Rodrick is spoiling the food we DO have

left. He drinks milk straight from the carton, so

there’s no way I’m gonna touch that now.

I’m actually kind of mad at Dad, because if it

wasn’t for him we’d have all the milk we wanted.

A few years ago I won a contest at the state

fair where you had to guess how much a baby goat

weighed, and the winner got to take it home. I

guessed the weight right, but Dad wouldn’t let me

have the goat. And if we’d had that goat I could

have had a glass of milk whenever I wanted.

192

Mom found some burritos in the back of the

freezer last night and made them for dinner,

but they tasted funny, so I wouldn’t eat them.

Mom said I needed to eat SOMETHING, so I

had ketchup as my main course.

Manny didn’t seem to mind the burritos, but he’ll

eat just about ANYTHING as long as he’s got

his favourite condiment on it. When Sweetie lived

with us, he used to chew on the furniture, so we

sprayed it with this stuff called “Bitter Apple

Spray” that dogs can’t stand the taste of.

193

But, for whatever reason, Manny LOVES the

taste of Bitter Apple Spray, and to this day he

uses it on almost everything he eats.

Speaking of Sweetie, I got so hungry today that

I was seriously thinking about eating some of the

dog treats I’d found in the back of our pantry.

But Mom told me they have different standards for

making dog food than they do for people food, so

that stopped me from eating any, at least for now.

194

I can’t believe I’m practically starving here

while Sweetie is living the good life at Gramma’s,

enjoying her home-cooked meals.

I only have myself to blame about the food

situation, though. We had a bunch of canned

food until a week before Thanksgiving, but then

I gave almost ALL of it to the Food Drive at

school. I got rid of the things I don’t like to

eat, like yams and beets.

195

But I’ll bet whoever got our rejects is having a

pretty good laugh about it right now.

I was starting to wonder whether toothpaste had

any nutritional value when I remembered I actually

DID have something edible in my desk drawer.

When Dad wouldn’t let me take the goat home

from the state fair, Mom got me a giant

gobstopper to make up for it. I spent the whole

autumn working on that thing.

196

I figure, if we DO run out of food in the house,

that gobstopper will help me survive at least

another week.

Tonight the electricity cut out for a few seconds

and then came back on. Mom said there was a lot

of ice on the power lines and we were probably

gonna lose our electricity at some point.

She said if that happened we needed to keep the

freezer door closed so the food inside didn’t thaw

out and get ruined. She also said we’d need to

keep the doors to the house shut so we didn’t lose

too much heat.

197

Manny got REALLY upset, and whenever he

gets scared he hides in his room. One time when

Manny was younger, I told him a witch lived in

our basement, and he got really spooked. He went

missing for a few hours, but we eventually tracked

him down to his sock drawer.

Mom was right about the electricity, because

fifteen minutes after her prediction the power cut

off and didn’t come back on. She tried to call the

electric company, but her mobile-phone battery

was dead. Every hour the temperature dropped

another two or three degrees, and we had to get

a blanket to keep ourselves warm.

198

Manny just stayed in his room the whole time,

and I’m sure he was scared out of his mind. I was

actually pretty worried myself.

When you’re used to having electricity and then all

of a sudden it’s taken away, you’re basically just

one step away from being a wild animal. And with

no phone or TV we were totally cut off from the

outside world.

I would’ve felt a lot better if our street was

ploughed, because then we’d at least be connected to

the rest of civilization. But I’m sure the snowplough

guy is gonna come to our street last, because every

time he comes up our hill he gets ambushed.

199

There really wasn’t any point in staying awake, so

I just went to bed, and Rodrick followed me into

the room a few minutes later.

It was freezing cold, and I remembered a story

I’d read in a magazine about these two guys who

were stranded out in the wilderness and had to

share a sleeping bag to conserve body heat.

I looked over at Rodrick and thought about it

for a second, but then I decided my dignity was

more important to me than staying alive.

All I can say is prison’s gotta be a lot better

than THIS. I’m pretty sure they guarantee you a

warm cell and three meals a day, so when the police

do come back, believe me, I’ll be ready to go.

200

Tuesday

When I woke up today, I realized I’d somehow

lost Alfrendo again, but I wasn’t too upset about

it. I was pretty happy to be reunited with my

doll yesterday, but it hasn’t been easy picking up

where we left off.

This morning I noticed it was snowing a lot less,

but the electricity was still out, and Mom said

we were just gonna have to adapt to our new

circumstances until the snow melted.

She said I hadn’t showered in a few days and I

couldn’t live like a “savage”. I promised Mom I’d

bathe TWICE a day once the electricity came

back on, but she made me go upstairs to take a

shower anyway.

201

The water was freezing cold, and the only towel

in the bathroom was one Mom used yesterday. So

I had to dry myself with some gauze I found in

the cabinet under the sink.

After I got dressed, I heard a knock on

the front door. I thought maybe the police

had finally come to take me away, and I felt

dizzy. But when I looked out the window I saw

ROWLEY standing there, and he had something

in his hands.

202

I thought Rowley had come to RESCUE us. But

when I opened the door he told me he’d brought us

Christmas cookies, and then he asked me if I wanted

to come outside and play. I told him he was out of

his MIND and asked him how his family was surviving

without any electricity, but he looked confused.

Rowley said his family still had electricity and

everyone else on the street did, too. And, sure

enough, I could see people’s Christmas lights on

up and down the street.

Then Rowley asked me if I wanted to make a

snowman. I slammed the door shut, but only after

I helped myself to a few cookies.

I told Mom what Rowley said about the electricity,

and she told me to go down to the basement to see

if there was something wrong with our fuse box.

203

When I opened it up and looked at the circuit

breaker, here’s what I found -

The only switch that was ON was the one for

Manny’s room.

I ran upstairs, and when I opened Manny’s door

I got a blast of heat. Manny was sitting there

with a space heater, a pile of food and a bunch of

OTHER stuff, too.

204

When things got bad, Manny must’ve figured it

was every man for himself. I think he would’ve let

the rest of us freeze to death as long as HE had

enough to survive.

Mom asked Manny why he cut off the power to

the rest of the house, and he started blubbering

that it was because no one had ever taught him

how to tie his shoes.

While Mom dealt with Manny, I went down

to the basement and switched on the circuit

breakers for the rest of the house. The

electricity came back on, and the furnace kicked

in. A few minutes after that, Dad called. He

said the highways were clear and that he was

coming home.

205

I looked out the window and saw the plough

coming up our hill.

Mom said it was a “miracle” that Dad was gonna

be home for Christmas Eve, but, to be honest

with you, I had totally forgotten what day it

was until that moment.

Dad picked up some food on the way home, and the

rest of us ate like a pack of wolves. And, let me

just say, I’ll never take food for granted again.

Mom said she was gonna go out with Dad to try

to find a place that was open that sold glasses.

206

Before she left, Mom asked me to take a present

down to the police station for the Toy Drive and

put it in the outdoor bin, because today was the

last day you could turn a gift in.

But I wasn’t too eager to show my face at the

police station, and I REALLY didn’t need to

spend Christmas in jail. I knew I’d let some kid

down if I didn’t turn in our present, though, so

I found a ski mask in our closet and headed out.

It took forever to get to the police station, and

I crawled the last twenty feet to the bin just to

play it safe.

207

Once I knew the coast was clear, I stood up and

tossed the present in the bin.

Then I turned round and headed home. But

when I walked by the church I remembered

something. I had filled out a request for the

Giving Tree, and I’d asked whoever got my

envelope to leave my cash under the recycling bin

behind the church.

208

The church parking lot was covered in snow.

I was pretty sure the recycling bin was buried

somewhere behind the church, but I didn’t know

the exact spot.

Luckily there was a shovel leaning up against the

wall, and I started digging to find the recycling

bin. But it wasn’t in the place I thought it would

be, and I ended up clearing out a HUGE area

looking for it.

I wish the church had a hose attached to the back

of the building, because that would’ve made the job

go a lot easier. I was pretty desperate to find

that envelope, because I figured if I was gonna

start my life on the run I could really use a big

wad of cash to get me by for the first few weeks.

209

But when I finally found the recycling bin there

was no envelope beneath it.

I was pretty bummed on the walk back home, and

I forgot all about being careful not to be seen.

So I was totally unprepared when I got to my

front door and a police car pulled in the driveway

right behind me.

I thought this was it for me, so I ran inside

and locked the door. But when the police knocked

Rodrick let them in.

210

I thought about jumping out of the back window

and making a run for it, but I’m glad I didn’t,

because I would’ve looked like an idiot. It turns

out the police weren’t there for me at all. They

were just there to collect last-minute gifts for

the Toy Drive.

I thought they might be bluffing and that they

were just using the Toy Drive as a way of flushing

me out. But I finally worked up the courage to go

to the front door, and I even brought a donation

with me and tried to act casual.

211

The police said they couldn’t accept a used toy as

a donation and that they were only taking new

items in their original packaging. I actually think

they were just a little freaked out by Alfrendo,

because they seemed to leave in a hurry after that.

Christmas

When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t believe

it was Christmas and I was in my house with

electricity and heat and wasn’t on the run from

the police.

I went downstairs to see if there was anything

under the tree, but I was totally shocked to find

there weren’t any gifts at ALL.

212

At first I thought it was all Santa’s Scout’s

fault and that he’d been running his mouth about

the trouble I’ve got myself into lately. But Mom

came downstairs a few minutes later and told me

Santa DID come last night and that he left our

gifts in the garage.

Mom said the snowstorm really messed up Santa’s

schedule, so he ran out of time to wrap presents

and just put them in garbage bags instead. That

didn’t make a lot of sense to me, but at that

point I was relieved to be getting any gifts at all.

The rest of the family came downstairs, and Mom

said we could have fun reaching in the trash bags

and guessing what our gifts were.

213

It wasn’t really the same. But I think Dad was

pretty happy he didn’t have any wrapping paper

to clean up.

After I was done with the gifts in the trash

bag, Mom handed me a wrapped present that she

said was from HER.

It was my “Tower of Druids” graphic novel, so I

was a little confused. Mom said she felt bad about

forging Kenny Centazzo’s autograph, so she

found out where he was appearing a few weeks

ago and got my book signed for real this time.

214

She said she had to wait in line for three hours

but she was happy to do it for me.

But, based on what’s written in my book now,

I’m guessing Kenny Centazzo didn’t hear my

name correctly.

Hopefully I can find a rich guy named Craig who’s

really into graphic novels so I can sell it to him

for a pile of cash.

215

Rodrick got a snare drum and some drumsticks,

and Manny got a bunch of toys and a pair of

trainers. Even though Mom taught Manny how to

tie his shoes yesterday, it looks like he’d prefer

to have her do it for him anyway.

After we were done opening presents, Mom said it

was time to go to church. I told her we couldn’t

go because we didn’t have any clean clothes to wear,

but that’s when she pulled out three last gifts.

216

I really like to spend Christmas in my pyjamas,

and the second you put on dress clothes it feels

like it’s over. So I decided to put my clothes on

OVER my pyjamas and pick up where I left off

once we got back home. But it was a mistake to

wear flannel pyjamas underneath corduroy pants

and a V-neck sweater for a two-hour service.

After we got home from church, I went upstairs

to change. I actually had puddles of sweat in

my shoes, so I had to empty them out in the

bathroom sink.

When I got downstairs the newspaper was on

the kitchen table, and here’s what was on the

front page -

217

Well, the newspaper didn’t exactly get the story

right, but I’m not gonna complain. In fact,

that article inspired me to put out a new edition

of the “Neighbourhood Tattler”. And I’ll bet we

can sell a TON of copies.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to all the teachers and librarians who have put my

books in kids’ hands.

Thanks to my wonderful extended family for all the laughter

and love. We have a really special group, and I feel very

fortunate to be a part of your lives.

Thanks to everyone at Abrams for making my dream of

becoming a cartoonist come true. Thanks to Charlie Kochman,

my passionate and dedicated editor, and Michael Jacobs for

taking Wimpy Kid to ever greater heights. Thanks to Jason

Wells, Veronica Wasserman, Scott Auerbach and Chad W.

Beckerman. This has been a really fun ride, and it’s great to

share it with you.

Thanks to Jess Brallier and to the incredibly talented team at

Poptropica for your patience and understanding during the

craziest of times, and for your dedication to creating great

content for kids.

Thanks to Sylvie Rabineau, my terrific agent, for your support,

encouragement and guidance. Thanks to Carla, Elizabeth and

Nick at Fox, and thanks to Nina, Brad and David for working

with me to bring Greg Heffley to life on the big screen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is an online game developer and designer, and

a #1 New York Times bestselling author. Jeff has been named

one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the

World. Jeff is also the creator of Poptropica.com, which was

named one of Time magazine’s 50 Best Websites. He spent

his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to

New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern Massachusetts

with his wife and their two sons.

JANUARY

Sunday

I wish I’d started keeping a journal a lot earlier

on, because whoever ends up writing my biography

is gonna have a lot of questions about my life in

the years leading up to middle school.

Luckily, I remember just about everything that’s

happened to me since I was born. In fact, I

can even remember stuff that happened to me

BEFORE I was born.

Back in those days it was just me swimming around

in the dark, doing backflips and taking naps

whenever I wanted.

Then one day, when I was in the middle of

a really good nap, I got woken up by these

strange noises coming from the outside.

At the time I didn’t know what the heck I was

hearing, but later on I found out it was Mom

piping in music through these speakers she put on

her belly.

I guess Mom thought if she played classical music

for me every day before I was born it would turn

me into some kind of genius.

Those speakers came with a microphone, and

when Mom wasn’t playing music she was telling me

everything that was going on in her life.

And when Dad came home from work Mom would

have him give me a blow-by-blow of HIS day.

But that wasn’t the end of it. Every night, Mom

would read to me for a half hour before she went

to bed.

The problem was my sleep schedule didn’t line up

with Mom’s. So when she was sleeping I’d be wide

awake.

I actually wish I’d paid more attention when Mom

was reading to me, though.

Last week in school we had a pop quiz on a book,

and I hadn’t read it yet. I was pretty sure Mom

read that one to me before I was born, but I

couldn’t remember any of the details.

I guess the week Mom was reading that book I

was busy doing something else.

The crazy thing was Mom didn’t NEED to use the

microphone for me to hear her.

I mean, I was INSIDE her, so I could hear

every word she said whether I wanted to or not.

I could also hear just about EVERYTHING

that was happening on the outside. So when Mom

and Dad got all mushy I had to listen to THAT,

too.

I’ve never really felt comfortable when people are

acting affectionate around me, ESPECIALLY

when it’s my parents. I tried to get them to

stop, but they never got the message.

In fact, everything I tried just seemed to

make things WORSE.

After a few months of living like this, I had to

get out of there, and that’s why I was born

three weeks early. But, after being hit by the

cold air and the blinding lights of the delivery

room, I wished I’d just stayed put.

By the time I came into the world, I was totally

sleep deprived and in a really lousy mood. So, if

you ever see a picture of a newborn, now you know

why they always look ticked off.

In fact, I STILL haven’t caught up on the

sleep I missed and, believe me, I’ve been trying.

Ever since I was born, I’ve tried to re-create

the feeling I had way back when I was floating

around in the dark, happy as could be.

But, when you’re living in a house with four other

people, some fool is always gonna come along and

ruin things for you.

I met my older brother, Rodrick, a few days after

I was born. Up to that point I thought I was

an only child, so I was pretty disappointed to

find out I wasn’t.

My family was living in a really small apartment

back then, and I had to share a room with

Rodrick. He got the crib, so for the first few

months of my life I had to sleep in the top

dresser drawer, which I’m pretty sure isn’t

even legal.

Eventually, Dad moved his work stuff out of the

room he was using as an office and made it into a

nursery. I got Rodrick’s old crib, and he got a

new bed.

Almost EVERYTHING I had back in those days

was a hand-me-down from Rodrick.

By the time something came to me, it was either

worn-out or covered in slobber.

Even my DUMMY was a hand-me-down from

Rodrick. I don’t think he was ready to give it

up, though, which might explain why he’s never

really liked me.

“HILARIOUS” – Sunday Telegraph

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